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Original poster

awful situation with dps ex wife

131 replies

Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 12:07

Me and dp live together. I am divorced with two older teens that i share time with my ex h and partner has two children of 17 and 12.

We are very happy and are planning to get married next year. No issues at all in our relationship.

However there are big problems with his ex wife. She has MS and still lives in the old marital home with the children. My dp sees the kids a few times a week, financially supports them completely etc.

The problem is that she only has a slight limp and is very well besides this. She recently had her yearly check up and her condition is stable. The drugs she is on work very well and she is likely to be like this for years.

She doesn't work but refuses to do anything at all in the house so dp pays for a cleaner.When he went there last night there was cat poo all over the kitchen floor and the mess was awful. DP is understandably very upset that his children live in this and will often clean rather than spending time with the children. His daughter of 12 says shes feeling depressed which is obviously also a big concern.

However he (and family members) says she has always been like this (she was only diagnosed a few years ago) throughout their marriage and it has always been like this with him doing absolutely everything. So much so that his dad told me that they feared he would have a breakdown and they were very glad when they parted.

She can go to the gym and has a small voluntary job but refuses to do anything else at all.

My partner has a very responsible job and travels as well so has lots on his plate. I'm very worried about his health and wonder how i can help him?

OP posts:
Funinthesun15 · 10/12/2015 13:50

You don't really know how bad it is and always assume divorce men lie about their wives - they do it all the time; it's standard practice. Take what he says with a pinch of salt.

What a sweeping statement!

Ex wives aren't always paragon of virtue either you know.

manana21 · 10/12/2015 13:52

yeah this is making me a bit uncomfortable - she's a sick woman with a proper diagnosis, not some made up illness who's being a bit lazy. The DC are of an age where between them, it wouldn't be too onerous to do the cleaning, there are only 3 of them. I wouldn't be a party to moaning about her personally, or excessively worried about your DH, he sounds like a nice man whereas you've been talking about the ex to his family to garner negative comments, not that lovely.

aginghippy · 10/12/2015 13:57

The problem is that she only has a slight limp and is very well besides this. She recently had her yearly check up and her condition is stable.

You can't possibly know this. Did you go to the check up with her? Hmm Nobody with MS is 'very well'. You are displaying your ignorance here.

If you have a problem, it is a problem with your dp. Stop focusing on his exw. Look at what your dp is doing.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/12/2015 14:06

Oh come on. If a cleaner does a proper clean say on a Monday in a household that has a perfectly well functioning 17yo and a 12yo who is capable of picking up after themselves and doing only basic joint effort team effort.

It may not be perfect, it may not be up to someone elses high standards it may be not ideal but it won't be concerning levels.

The cat shit obviously is an issue but in reality what that means most of the time is either someone knocked over a litter tray or the cat did a shit and for what ever reason it hadn't been cleaned up (possibly kids out or just being teenagers and adult can't bend well)

How many cleaners do you know who would walk into a house that actually had a cat/s really shitting all over the floor and this happened frequently where is had been left for some time who would go back?
If a normal cleaner can get between 7-18 ph to do a basic clean they are going to pick a fairly normal level cleanliness house over a mega bad one probally 99% of the time

HelenaDove · 10/12/2015 14:10

MS is a terrible debilitating illness. It killed my DHs aunt. So im also uncomfortable with what youve posted OP.

What im stunned by though is how this thread has gone How basically its nothing to do with your DP as hes not married to her anymore but you should go over there and clean Confused

SpendSpendSpend · 10/12/2015 14:17

I think you and your DP are overly involved.

You shoudnt be paying for a cleaner. Your DP and her are not together anymore, she needs to rely on her family etc.

No way would any person pay for a cleaner to clean their ex wives home!

Madness!

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 14:21

Thanks for your thoughts
My dp works in a medical area and goes to appointments so yes we do know
I think the kids will come to us. Found out today that his daughter has been self harming so it just gets worse
I also agree her family could step in
They are local so will see the house

OP posts:
SpendSpendSpend · 10/12/2015 14:22

Again.. Why is dp taking her to appointments?? Again hes overly involved.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 14:24

Problems with hospital transport I think but he won't be going anymore

OP posts:
SpendSpendSpend · 10/12/2015 14:25

The 17 year old could come to you now if she wanted.

Have you contacted social services for help. Would ex wife be able to get some help from a home care company?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 14:25

And I am far from trying to get negative comments thanks
I am asking for help as clearly we are struggling so I don't appreciate that tone
He helps her because he is a good man and worries about his children, rightly surely?

OP posts:
manana21 · 10/12/2015 14:26

but the depression of the 12 yo DD and the self harming isn't necessarily directly related to the house not being clean or her mum's ms - you need to be careful to make sure that you're not saying anything untoward in front of the DD. Moving out of her mum's house isn't necessarily the root of this, it could be an entirely different issue and needs a proper investigation rather than assuming that taking them away from their mum is what's needed.

SpendSpendSpend · 10/12/2015 14:26

The more your dp does, the less likely people will step in to help

howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 14:27

MS is an extremely debilitating illness. You should have more sympathy and be glad you are not walking in her shoes. Your DP should be doing all he can to help. And your whining doesn't help matters at all.

This

OllyBJolly · 10/12/2015 14:30

The parents split and their dad lives with another family. Their mum has an awful, debilitating, progressive illness. Both girls are at difficult ages.

Your DP should be looking to support his daughters. You picking holes in the way his XW lives is not constructive.

blobbityblob · 10/12/2015 14:31

Doing voluntary work on an as and when basis is not comparable to being able to provide reliable service in paid work. And it is recommended I think to try and keep your muscles working by exercising is you can if you have MS.

But maybe have a read up about how long it takes to get diagnosed (it can be years) and what the symptoms are. I very much doubt her only symptom is a slight limp.

I suspect she will need support at times - it's usually a condition that relapses and remits - so flares up to be debilitating at times. Whether that falls to your dp I don't know. I know I'd feel some responsibility if I'd left my dp with this illness and two dc to cope with.

SirChenjin · 10/12/2015 14:37

MS affects people in different ways. DH's aunt has it - has done for many years, her condition is stable and she keeps well. She's able to keep her house clean and tidy, and travels all over the country with her DH who is involved in motor sport - she also helps him with his business. Other people suffer greatly from it.

That being said, what do you think would be the best solution OP? None of us know the situation as you do.

ravenmum · 10/12/2015 14:38

How long is it since they broke up? Do you think the wife might be depressed, living as a single mother to two teenagers while knowing she has a long-term illness that means she can't improve her situation and has to rely on the kindness of her ex, making it harder to get over a breakup?

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 14:43

I'm not whining I'm asking for advice
Depression maybe yes
Daughter has an urgent Cams referral

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/12/2015 14:46

She may well be depressed. She has a debilitating illness which will never improve, her husband has not only left her but both he and his new wife openly despise her and tell other people that she's a lazy bitch and a bad mother.

Mind you don't get ill yourself, OP. Or your H will trot off to a younger, fitter woman, and then he and his new partner will publicly and persistently look down their noses at you.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 14:48

Right thanks for that completely biased and unsupportive post solid
Just because someone has a condition doesn't make them a saint either
I'm out

OP posts:
Hatethis22 · 10/12/2015 14:48

They're divorced. Why is he supporting her financially? Is it in the terms of the divorce? Why is he so involved with her health issues?

howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 14:49

*She may well be depressed. She has a debilitating illness which will never improve, her husband has not only left her but both he and his new wife openly despise her and tell other people that she's a lazy bitch and a bad mother.

Mind you don't get ill yourself, OP. Or your H will trot off to a younger, fitter woman, and then he and his new partner will publicly and persistently look down their noses at you.*

This.

Also others will delight in the bitch fest, to intense the humiliation.

Micah · 10/12/2015 14:50

I think the issue is he is paying for and still maintaining her while in a new relationship.

Unless he's earning megabucks it's not possible to finance two families in this way.

So. Either she can look after the children or she can't. If she can, she does it separate to your DP, like any divorced couple. He pays her child maintenance, get any other joint finances officially split.

If she can't, they come live with you. Sell the family home, split the proceeds according to the divorce. Buy her a flat or small property she can maintain by herself.

SpendSpendSpend · 10/12/2015 14:53

Would conacting social services for help be an option? They could arrange homecare for ex wife.

Regarding the pet(s) if people are unable or not willing to clean up after them that their house is a health hazard (and shit on the floor is a health hazard) then the pet(s) need to be re homed.

Social services wont step in if people close by are ralling round and helping out. The less you do then social services will have no choice to step in and arrange help and care within the home.

When your dp sees the kids, could he not bring them to yours instead of staying at ex wives?