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Original poster

awful situation with dps ex wife

131 replies

Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 12:07

Me and dp live together. I am divorced with two older teens that i share time with my ex h and partner has two children of 17 and 12.

We are very happy and are planning to get married next year. No issues at all in our relationship.

However there are big problems with his ex wife. She has MS and still lives in the old marital home with the children. My dp sees the kids a few times a week, financially supports them completely etc.

The problem is that she only has a slight limp and is very well besides this. She recently had her yearly check up and her condition is stable. The drugs she is on work very well and she is likely to be like this for years.

She doesn't work but refuses to do anything at all in the house so dp pays for a cleaner.When he went there last night there was cat poo all over the kitchen floor and the mess was awful. DP is understandably very upset that his children live in this and will often clean rather than spending time with the children. His daughter of 12 says shes feeling depressed which is obviously also a big concern.

However he (and family members) says she has always been like this (she was only diagnosed a few years ago) throughout their marriage and it has always been like this with him doing absolutely everything. So much so that his dad told me that they feared he would have a breakdown and they were very glad when they parted.

She can go to the gym and has a small voluntary job but refuses to do anything else at all.

My partner has a very responsible job and travels as well so has lots on his plate. I'm very worried about his health and wonder how i can help him?

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 10/12/2015 17:17

Just because it's a recent diagnosis, it doesn't mean she only recently became ill.

ItsBeginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 10/12/2015 17:24

howto
Maybe just at least pick up the cat shit Maybe she used up her last bit of energy doing something else some disablist jusgy person thought she could at least just do.

So because I stated (based entirely on the OP's comment that she has always been like this, even before how diagnosis) that the ex wife could perhaps pick up the cat shit, bearing in mind she can get to the gym, I am now disabilist and judgy? You know nothing of my life, I am far from disabilist. But I do actually agree with the posters who said the kids should be doing more to help.

Strawberry, I understand what you're saying, but the OP has said her partner is suffering because of this situation, surely that affects her life too? I'm not suggesting (like one poster did) that she herself should go and clean the house for the ex, but to say she should butt out completely I think is unfair, because it is affecting her, albeit indirectly.

allwornout0 · 10/12/2015 17:25

If your boyfriend is paying for a cleaner, I think that maybe he needs to speak to them directly to find out if either she needs to come more often, or if she is doing a decent job in the first place.

user7755 · 10/12/2015 17:31

Marilynsbigsister

You are so right. I have had a break from MN, couldn't get in after the whole hacking thing, and this is one of the things that I had forgotten about but drives me batty!

JonesTheSteam · 10/12/2015 17:38

So you've got her husband, now you want her kids too and have her out of her home as well?

Lovely.

Totally uncalled for. Thoroughly nasty comment! Shock

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 17:43

I have my own children and certainly don't want or need others
I also own my own house so don't appreciate the suggestion that I want hers! It's not even in my town!
I am concerned about his children is all
I agree re the kitten

OP posts:
ginandjuice · 10/12/2015 19:29

wannaBe if you did my job you would see some truly awful sights, people who NEVER clean up after their animals and the smell is repulsive. It does happen, trust me!!

lunar1 · 10/12/2015 19:43

My first husband used to volunteer rather than work. He had a chronic condition and needed flexibility and not the pressure to be there every day.

Just remember you are getting a filtered version from your dp. I would do a bit of reading about ms, it is a very difficult condition to live with and can change day to day and even with changes in the weather.

Tread carefully, her condition is fragile, don't go wading in with talk of removing children, that would be a very last resort, they are no where near that point.

Isetan · 10/12/2015 19:47

If your partner doesn't think his Ex is prioritising his children and the cleaner and the presence of a nearly adult child isn't helping, then he needs to be more involved. I understand his frustration but he's an adult, can you imagine what it's like for his children.

You are neither qualified or impartial enough to be diagnosing and speculating about the severity of his Ex's condition, so don't. Stick to the facts.

His Ex has a progressive illness and she may be stable now but that won't last forever.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 10/12/2015 20:02

Strawberry, I understand what you're saying, but the OP has said her partner is suffering because of this situation, surely that affects her life too? I'm not suggesting (like one poster did) that she herself should go and clean the house for the ex, but to say she should butt out completely I think is unfair, because it is affecting her, albeit indirectly

Yes, which is where the huge urge to DO something comes from. So someone in the OP's position looks at the situation, identifies the exw's house/cat/lifestyle as the source of 'The Problem' and wants to fix it. But, really, when has a new partner directly intervening a previous partner's life ever worked out well?

All OP 'knows' is what she hears and what she's hearing now is refreacted through a prism of stress and frustration and concern for the 12 year old at the worst of all possible times. The ONLY wise thing to do is support the DSD and support her fiance. How could anything more than that end well?

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 10/12/2015 20:03

refracted

manana21 · 10/12/2015 20:39

The op didn't post about her concern for her depressed dsd though, the op is about her dp and judgments about how she (and dh's family) perceived the ex-w. If she'd posted about how best to help dsd it would have been an entirely different thread but perhaps these things come out jumbled up.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 10/12/2015 21:12

To be fair knowledge of the self harming has only filtered through today hence the urgent referral.
Our main concern is that and the situation they are living in
We aren't suggesting the kids move in with us at this stage

OP posts:
iPaid · 10/12/2015 21:13

OP - aren't you concerned that your DP's ex wife might read what you've written?

wannaBe · 10/12/2015 21:26

Your DP needs to have a conversation with his DC about the kitten, to establish whether or not it crapping on the floor is normal or whether it just so happened that it had just done so as he came to pick up the kids.

If the kids wanted it, then they are old enough to look after it. My ds is thirteen, and I have currently said no to the budgie he wants because I know he won't clear up after it. But the reality is that young animals do take some house training , and accidents will happen, so unless there is a persistent problem this particular incident may well have been a one off. But he should be having the conversation with his DC about unacceptable it is to have animal crap all over the kitchen floor.

rainbowstardrops · 10/12/2015 21:40

Hold your head up high op, you've done nothing wrong! Unless of course worrying about your dp and his children is a crime?
I sincerely hope that the harsher commenters on here are brave behind their keyboards but more empathic and supportive in rl. Let's hope so.
For all we know, the 17yr old might hardly be at home and the 12yr old might be bogged down by school work. People just jump to conclusions and say really hurtful things without having a clue about the true situation. Nasty.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 10/12/2015 21:45

FGS rainbow she posted for advice and perspectives not a load of hunning. She could have got that in the other place.

Temporaryanonymity · 10/12/2015 21:47

I have an exH with a rather over-opinionated new partner. I actually opened this thread wondering if she posted this thread. I know she is a mumsnetter. I'm very relieved it isn't.

However, I do hope your DP's ex-wife doesn't read this. It's rather identifying. If this had been about me, I think I'd either explode with anger or collapse in tears. It would destroy any future communication with my ex, and consequently, our ability to co-parent our children.

iPaid · 10/12/2015 22:34

I wonder if that's why OP started this thread. To get a message to the ex wife.

Sansoora · 10/12/2015 22:38

However, I do hope your DP's ex-wife doesn't read this. It's rather identifying. If this had been about me, I think I'd either explode with anger or collapse in tears. It would destroy any future communication with my ex, and consequently, our ability to co-parent our children.

I can understand that but in amongst all the things a person would be feeling and thinking I'd hope that getting the cat poo cleaned up also happened.

manana21 · 11/12/2015 05:58

It sounds like you're doing the right thing for your dsd, I hope things get better for all of you. The kitten may have been a misguided attempt to cheer up the younger dd too, maybe a post in the pet section could help to understand why it's not properly toilet trained and what to do there because usually cats are pretty straightforward

Fratelli · 11/12/2015 07:07

It sounds like you have no idea about ms. It can change so quickly. Maybe she wants voluntary work as it's flexible. I also don't believe the state of the house can be that bad with her and her two kids there unless they're lazy and a cleaner.

Get your dp to take his child to the gp and get some support. It's not your place.

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Caprinihahahaha · 11/12/2015 07:31

Oh Jessica
What a massive bot twat you are.

Sansoora · 11/12/2015 08:49

Get your dp to take his child to the gp and get some support. It's not your place.

Either way she's damned.