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Original poster

Right then...time to get this biatch to back off

108 replies

munkynutts · 10/12/2015 10:50

Been seeing a guy for 4/5 months.
Before me, he was casually seeing (sleeping with and hanging out but no shared plans or talk of feelings) a woman who is much older than me and was in the process of leaving her husband. It was fizzling out by the time I came on the scene, I know there was an 'overlap' between me and her in the first month, which is fine by me, it was the same situation on my side when I was seeing him (was also casually seeing someone else). Now though:
She left her husband.
He is with me.
I'm pretty sure he isn't messing around on the side as we spend almost every night together.

HOWEVER. She calls and texts him constantly. I never check his phone obviously, I'm not like that, but I can't help if his phone goes off next to me at breakfast and I see its her. He never answers but she keeps at it. Apparently fairly angry messages, trash talking him, begging him to reply,. etc. Three times now she has turned up on his doorstep.

Last night was the first time we spoke about it properly. I feel he should be doing more, he says he has already told her he will call the police if she turns up again, and he doesnt respond to her. I feel clearly in some way he must not be being forceful enough or must be encouraging it. He blocked her number in front of me, but I feel pissed off he hadn't done that already. I'm considering taking action myself. I asked if she knows about me, he said yes. In that case, irrespective of what shes doing to him, she is disrespecting ME, clearly. What would you do? And what do you think about the situation? Any similar experiences?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 10/12/2015 14:47

Your boyfriend's the one who had two of you on the go for a month he says, why is she the biatch who must be taught to respect you? The pair of you sound like a match made in heaven (except it very obviously won't last) and the biatch has had a very lucky escape.

Original poster
munkynutts · 10/12/2015 14:52

I think because of the demographic here there is quite a strong bias in favour of this older woman who you all seem to want to paint as someone who has been so very hard done by, whilst simultaneously telling me I shouldn't be painting her as a demon. You're telling me to look clearly and see the facts with regard to him. But I think the same should be applied to her. This is after all a woman who cheated on her husband and who was planning on leaving him irrespective of the guy I'm currently seeing. So you have a woman who cheats on her husband and then goes bunny boiler on a guy who was casually shagging her up until 4 or 5 months ago. Incredible double standards from a lot of you here.

If the post were about a man who cheated on his wife by casually seeing some other woman, and then started acting almost stalkerish when that woman actually started a relationship with another man, how would you be reacting? You'd be saying the guy was a cheating pig and the harrassment deserved to be reported to the police, I'll wager.

Of course there are lots of ifs and buts and the thing should be looked at from all sides. It's just a pattern I've seen quite frequently here on MN. LTB but try and have a bit of empathy when a woman acts out, eh?

Thank you to the comments that have been balanced. I think I'll keep an eye open and see what if anything changes over the next few weeks. I agree with a lot of what has been said re his murkiness. And I do have a little more sympathy for her. I stick to my belief though. Which is that if the person you were seeing decides to embark on a relationship with someone else, that is their right and should be respected irrespective of your hurt. I don't think you can leave a person for another person either. Your marriage is either something you want to try and salvage and work at, or you want to jump ship. A third party is just an enabler, not a cause.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 10/12/2015 14:56

Keep that thought in your mind when he moves on, op...

Jan45 · 10/12/2015 14:59

Your thanking us for the balanced comments, look at your title thread, hardly balanced yourself?

You just don't get it, it's nothing to do with you, if he had cared about sparing your feelings he would have blocked her no from the onset of your relationship. Most women who act up like his Ex do so cos they've been fed a load of bullshit and want revenge.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 14:59

All those members have been young women before though, OP. They know. And there are many mnetters in their 20s, too.

Maryz · 10/12/2015 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbieanders · 10/12/2015 15:03

You think people are saying you're a fool because we're old? Well I'm certainty old and I think you're making a right eejit of yourself and I also think that women who blame other women for the behaviour of men are on a hiding to nothing. And that's years of experience talking.

Anyway, the point is that she's a side issue to you. You might think criticising her for shagging around is very moral but it's the behaviour of your boyfriend you need to concern yourself with.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/12/2015 15:04

I'm not biased towards the older woman at all. Infact, I'd wager that I'm closer to your age than hers. The difference is, I can look at his behaviour indifferently.

Dehumanise it.

He has person A, her. Person A was sleeping with him, she thought they were embarking on a relationship. It may be true that her marriage was struggling anyway or she may have thought he was the love of her life, and she broke up her relationship to be with him. They used to talk a lot. I'd bet that, regardless of whether he intended to or whether he remembers, he did give her the impression that he liked her. Her was sleeping with her!

Person B comes along, and the man is sleeping with them both. He's texting them both. At this point, Person A probably feels him pulling away and puts more effort in. For at least a month, he kept both of you, like puppets on strings.

Then he left Person A, who has caused a lot of chaos in her private life, for Person B, who was presumably a bit more straight-forward. He's stopped seeing, talking to and sleeping with Person A. This is going to feel like a big break up for her, she's going to be angry and hurt and upset. She's probably going to want to talk to him and get some answers and closure.

If you ignore this, she will slowly heal and leave him alone. Sooner or later, dignity and real-life kick in, and it will for her. So you're best option is to totally ignore it and see it as part and parcel of starting your relationship before he left the old one.

It comes across that you might be a bit worried that he's actually still weighing up whether he should be with you or her, so you want to warn her off so that he doesn't really have a choice. That won't work. Logically, you know that - she's not going to listen to the person who stole her man, and even if she did, there'd be plenty of others who don't mind sleeping with someone with a girlfriend. To be blunt, you did the same thing. So you have to trust him, both with her and with the general public. If you don't have that trust, either because of the overlap or just as a general instinct, listen to that. It's not her that's the problem - I'd sympathise a bit with her, because her position is horrible, whomevers fault it is that she's there - he is the problem.

Jan45 · 10/12/2015 15:09

I like how you say he was casually shagging her - how do you know he's not doing the same with you.

You are rolling up your sleeves to go fighting with a woman you know nothing about and you've been with him for 4-5 months, he must be loving all the attention.

Ironic also that you criticise her for seeing your bf whilst still married but he was also happy to see a married woman - yeah double standards you say.

Jesus, how blinded by love are you.

Offred · 10/12/2015 15:12

You are deluded.

I've not commented on her because she is nothing to do with you. She is not your BF.

You don't know what he told her then or what he is telling her now. You only know what he has told you about her and him and his relationship with her.

You came here because his actions didn't match up with what he is trying to tell you but you still state all the crap he has told you as though it is fact even though it doesn't make sense.

But carry on if you like the drama! Focus on her, having pity for her or feeling she is some kind of demon if you like! It'll be mighty convenient for him not to be the focus of your scrutiny!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/12/2015 15:17

Women who focus on the other woman and completely ignore the bad behaviour of their boyfriends are silly and immature. You think the problem is her. It's not.

Offred · 10/12/2015 15:20

And no-one knows the ages involved in your little mess. You could be 18 and the older woman 25 or 35 and the older woman 50... MN is full of people of all different ages too.

You are just grasping for reasons to dismiss concerns about him which came from you in the first place.

TPel · 10/12/2015 15:21

I'm fairly sure that he won't be your DP in 6 months.

None of you in this drama have covered yourself with glory and I can't see how any sort of deep, lasting, loving relationship can be developed in such circumstances.

MySordidCakeSecret · 10/12/2015 15:47

hahaha yes of course op, what do all us old trollops know eh? like we've ever dealt with relationships?!

for the record i have just turned 23, it might be best op to try and scrape back together your dignity (look on the floor) while you're down there grab your standards too and raise them a bit.

This is after all a woman who cheated on her husband and who was planning on leaving him irrespective of the guy I'm currently seeing

Yes yes.. you were cheating on someone too and.. oh wait so was this >highly desireable< "man" of yours. match made in heaven you lot.

(if you are 21 and this man is divorced himself with 2 kids then you may be my new ndn Waves)

TurnipCake · 10/12/2015 15:48

You're being played like a fiddle.

You have his version of events and nothing more. I'm betting he does indeed reply to her when you're not around.

Either way, he's enjoying the drama of two women fighting for him. Sad.

Original poster
munkynutts · 10/12/2015 15:50

I have to admit that my instinct tells me no person would act like this (the woman) unless there was a fairly high level of emotional attachment involved...

OP posts:
TotalConfucius · 10/12/2015 15:51

No, you're quite wrong. My sympathy with the lady began when you called her a biatch, used the phrase 'back off' in connection with her, repeatedly hearsay about her personal circumstances, hearsay you heard from a gentleman caller who does not present as the most honest and trustworthy source.

SirChenjin · 10/12/2015 16:29

As an older woman (with 20 plus years experience of watching relationships and being involved in some messy ones myself) I'm pretty sure than Anchor has it spot on.

Elendon · 10/12/2015 16:31

Ever heard the phrase all's fair in love and war?

You now own it.

Duckdeamon · 10/12/2015 16:37

Her behaviour wouldn't matter whatsoever if his had been such that you trusted him.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 16:40

Love it TotalConfucius- a gentleman caller Grin.

celestialgin · 10/12/2015 16:41

Why is her age relevant?

SirChenjin · 10/12/2015 16:41

Gentleman caller - I'd love one of those! Grin

reni2 · 10/12/2015 16:50

Do you mean OP's age, celestialgin? If so, because she said the negative comments are due to the older demographic of mn.

duckwalk · 10/12/2015 17:07

Op, why have you bothered posting? You're not interested in taking anyone's advice, or seeing things from a different perspective.

Grow up!