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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Right then...time to get this biatch to back off

108 replies

munkynutts · 10/12/2015 10:50

Been seeing a guy for 4/5 months.
Before me, he was casually seeing (sleeping with and hanging out but no shared plans or talk of feelings) a woman who is much older than me and was in the process of leaving her husband. It was fizzling out by the time I came on the scene, I know there was an 'overlap' between me and her in the first month, which is fine by me, it was the same situation on my side when I was seeing him (was also casually seeing someone else). Now though:
She left her husband.
He is with me.
I'm pretty sure he isn't messing around on the side as we spend almost every night together.

HOWEVER. She calls and texts him constantly. I never check his phone obviously, I'm not like that, but I can't help if his phone goes off next to me at breakfast and I see its her. He never answers but she keeps at it. Apparently fairly angry messages, trash talking him, begging him to reply,. etc. Three times now she has turned up on his doorstep.

Last night was the first time we spoke about it properly. I feel he should be doing more, he says he has already told her he will call the police if she turns up again, and he doesnt respond to her. I feel clearly in some way he must not be being forceful enough or must be encouraging it. He blocked her number in front of me, but I feel pissed off he hadn't done that already. I'm considering taking action myself. I asked if she knows about me, he said yes. In that case, irrespective of what shes doing to him, she is disrespecting ME, clearly. What would you do? And what do you think about the situation? Any similar experiences?

OP posts:

Report

munkynutts · 10/12/2015 11:35

Yup. Not sure what my course of action should be then? Nothing? I feel frustrated.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 10/12/2015 11:36

Your course of action is to stop allowing yourself to be a character in his game. Walk away.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/12/2015 11:37

You intruded on her relationship.

How do you know he doesn't reply?

How do you know he hasn't unblocked her?

How do you know there were no plans for them to be together?

Your bloke sounds like a dick.

SirChenjin · 10/12/2015 11:38

That's exactly what he's doing OP. He was having a great time with her, feeding her all sorts of lines, and then she went and left her husband - pesky woman. Now you're on the scene and you're both feeding his ego - you calling her out for 'disrespecting' you and being a 'biatch' (how very Jeremy Kyle) and her turning up on his doorstep begging him to get back together with her.

He's bloody loving it OP. If I were you I'd hold my head high and walk away with my dignity intact - tell him to get in touch when his life dramas are over and you'll decide if you want to take it from there.

Quornmakesmefart · 10/12/2015 11:40

Well in your shoes I would tell him I wanted nothing more to do with him until he sorts out this mess. He has to block her in all the above ways now. And if she turns up at his home he has to report her.

And then he can let you know when it's all sorted.

But after only knowing somebody for such a short time, I would wonder if I wanted to bother at all because he's not exactly coming across as much of a catch.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 11:40

You don't know how serious he presented their relationship to her. It could be seen as:

1.He saw a married woman.
2.She left her husband to be with him.
3.You then were the other woman in their relationship.
4.You also saw someone else.

You now want this relationship to be exclusive.

He may or may not want that (he hasn't been too particular about that in the past). Which bit in this means she is disrespecting ME, clearly or make her a biatch?

Toffeelatteplease · 10/12/2015 11:40

Next course of action: Dump the two timing plaaayeeer

Isetan · 10/12/2015 11:43

He threatens her with Police but hadn't blocked her sooner, yeah right.! MN seems to be awash with magic vaginas at the mo.

Isetan · 10/12/2015 11:46

Ohh, I wonder if magic vaginas are like glitter beards? I'm fascinated by the glitter beard but wouldn't want to be anywhere near one.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 11:47

And he's surely the type who will be off with someone else more exciting at the first chance?

mygrandchildrenrock · 10/12/2015 11:47

I have a cheap pay as you go mobile. You can't block numbers on it.

munkynutts · 10/12/2015 11:50

Well this thread is helping me see things from her point of view. In his defense he brought this up the other day because he wanted to be open about what was happening. When I got upset he said he had thought he was doing the right thing by letting me know.

OP posts:

Caprinihahahaha · 10/12/2015 11:54

Hmm - well that sounds good but didn't telling you raise the drama nicely for him.

I don't doubt he wants to stop seeing her but he would have blocked her if he really wanted her to leave him alone.
If you take everything else to one side, logic says he is accepting her messages as a choice - so to what purpose?
I think previous posters are bang on. He is loving the drama and the ego feeding.
See how he reacts if you start saying things like 'you are treating her really badly - I can see her point tbh'

SirChenjin · 10/12/2015 11:56

So why didn't he finish the 'I want to be open with you' conversation with 'but please be assured Munky, I told her that she and I have absolutely no future, that I love you very much, and that I've blocked all contact with her. I've made that very, very clear to her'?

sugar21 · 10/12/2015 11:56

magic vaginas
I've got one of those, nobody's said open sesame for a bloody long time.

Maryz · 10/12/2015 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Learningtoletgo · 10/12/2015 12:01

You is bein' played, innit. She better step off before you pops a cap in her ass. You don't wanna go there girlfriend

Just thought I'd try it out

Maryz · 10/12/2015 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 12:05

One day he will leave you, too. There will be a bit of an overlap between you and the new woman, it is inevitable, he has to be sure she is serious. Then he will move on and you will hopefully not call and text and beg, but maybe you will send some flowers to the 'biatch'.

Learningtoletgo · 10/12/2015 12:05

Seriously he is using you and keeping his options open with the other woman.

You don't know what he has said to her when you are not there to keep encouraging her. She could be pregnant, waiting for him to make good on a promise he made her. It could be all sorts of reasons that might not have come to the surface yet.

You've only been with him a few months. She owes you nothing like. You're still in the dating stage of your relationship.

Personally I'd run for the hills. I agree he's getting a kick out of this.

Isetan · 10/12/2015 12:08

Learningtoletgo, Your post has made me laugh out loud and has drawn attention to my sneaky MNetting. Now I'm having to act all contrite (which is a look I have no experience in pulling off successfully), cheers!

sminkypink · 10/12/2015 12:15

Oh gosh this sounds familiar, I was once you, op. I ended up marrying him. Then, seven years later, I was the overlapping biatch as he cheated on me.
We divorced.
I really think my ex will continue this pattern into infinity. He loved the drama, clearly.
I was young and stupid and proud that he had favoured me over the older 'biatch'
But it's not at all funny when he moves on and does it to you (and he might). Go careful eh, I'd even get out, myself and leave the drama to feed on itself.

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Isetan · 10/12/2015 12:17

Sugar, is your vagina sparkly? If it is, how do you stop it getting everywhere? Ohh but I'm guessing that's the point, how else are 'Biatches' to know there is a magic vagina in the vicinity.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 12:18

I don't think there is any "he might do it to you". He will. I am yet to meet a man (or woman, for that matter) who behaves like this as a one-off. The only woman who won't be left for a newer, better model is the last one, the one who carries his bedpan and feeds him from a cup as he lies dying.

Learningtoletgo · 10/12/2015 12:20

Isetan busted!!!

I channelled my inner Melissa McCarthy. She rocks!

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