Helping DM come to terms with no contact

[GinThief]

I am hoping you might be able to help me with coping strategies / ideas for my mum.

My sister cut ties with my parents a few years ago. Its now been a year since she went completely no contact.

I see sister once a year due to distance but keep in contact when we can. We've never been close and I am happy with this setup. We both have busy lives.

My mum just cannot accept her daughter's decison, now very depressed & whenever we talk it's "why" "what did I do" etc. I've had the same conversation with my mum at least once a week. It's now making me resent phoning her/putting of calling as it's the same questions everytime.

She's had counselling which didn't really help as all she came away from it was she needed to accept situation which she has said she can't / won't.

I've been sending her magazines, thinking of you cards, taking her out for lunch etc to cheer her up. Deep down I know she doesn't want to see me she wants to see my sister. I can't make that happen so are there any coping tips from other parents who are now no contact with their children? how do I make my mum see there is a whole life out there for her away from her adult children with our own lives?

You've got to get some boundaries around this , Gin. She has to get her own (preferably professional) support, you're not the appropriate person at all for all this.

Maybe you're both not very good at boundaries?

So refreshing to see it acknowledged on mn that it may not all be about the toxic behaviour or personality disorder of the parent when the dc goes nc. Toxicity is the mn bandwagon par excellence!

I can understand the OP's mum's insurmountable urge to go over it again and again with her other daughter - who else occupies the same unique position of the daughter who has effectively died to her, after all? Grief can be obsessive - and this grief, the one that the bereaved person is potentially 'responsible' for - has to be the cruellest type of pain to bear.

If losing a child is the most painful experience for a mother, then losing a child through her own fault - and being castigated for it by everyone else - must be unbearable. I don't think I'd be able to survive that.

Nevertheless, I agree with Springydaff, the mum needs professional care to cope with this. A year on and one counsellor down, different help should be sought. Well done OP on your compassion, but I think your mum probably needs to talk to someone else who can steer her into accepting this somehow.

Ironically it may be better for her in the longer term, if she can let go of the hope of a reconciliation and focus on building a life for herself that does not involve her children to any great extent.

Reported.

Good grief.

I think you are probably right about boundaries, I need to work on this. I am fully aware that I need to step back from mum. My fear of upsetting her due to her fragile state stops me from doing so but I need to get over this fear.

Sadly mum is not able to afford private counselling and has had the 6 sessions on NHS so that option is not possible.

From experience Gin you need to develop a standard line and repeat it as nauseum.

something along the lines of:

"you can't make and adult do something they don't want to. Leave her to it... now about meeting for a coffee tomorrow/how is Uncle Geoffry"

I'd 'd think I'd failed somewhere in my children's education if they turned out to be UKIP supporters, or MRA or homeopaths too. Is that ironic too?

Sorry, wrong thread!

I think you should encourage your mum to return to her GP and insist on them referring her to psychiatric services again.

'Six goes and your out' isn't any kind of healthcare policy I recognise!

Psychological services vary widely between different regions. There are far more people wanting psychological help than the NHS is able/ willing to pay for. Some areas rationalise this by having a short waiting list but small number of treatments, others have long (often over a year) waiting list but more treatments. There isn't just the NHS though. A lot of charities do CBT or counselling often for a donation or income based fee.
It sounds as though CBT and behaviour change may be more effective than just counselling. Seeing the GP may help clarify what is available as some areas have counselling and CBT.

She was only meant to have 4 sessions but counsellor added in an extra 2 which was a bonus. I know nhs resources are stretched but 6 sessions let alone 4 is not much time.

Does more harm than good imo

She's probably so caught in the grief she won't currently be able to engage with eg CBT - which is actually a very good set of skills to learn - or mindfulness (ditto). Her overriding thought will be that she wants her daughter back and I doubt she'll be able to concentrate on anything else.

But it's only been a year - it'll take a few more years (plus) for her to even begin to feel relatively stable.

As for the idea that she will have to learn to live her life without her daughter in it, i'm a bit speechless at that tbh. Most of us are parents on here, how would we fair if faced with losing a child, regardless the age? Not very well is my guess. Not very well at all . Yes she has to learn to live without her daughter but it will be day at a time stuff, very probably for the rest of her life.

How about Cruse for your mum?

She hasn't lost her daughter though her daughter is still alive and just doesn't want to communicate with her mum at the moment. In 3 or 4 years things may be different.
In my experience relationships are more likely to resume if the parent accepts the childs decision and gets on with other aspects of their life rather than obsessing on it and feeling sorry for themself.
Make it clear you love them and wish them well. The mum could be doing positive things with the daughter she still sees not driving her away by focussing on the daughter she doesnt see

Can I ask what you mean by 'ime' 2rebecca? Genuine q.

I don't think grief is 'feeling sorry' for oneself. When any relationship ends against someone's will there will be a period of grief, varying in severity. It's not just romantic break-ups that can be intensely painful. And nobody died there but the grief is real and can last a long time. A romantic relationship ending is clear cut: it's over; but a mother's relationship with her child can usually never be over.

Short for 'in my opinion', springy

Sorry you were asking about the experience not the abbreviation. I'll go back to bed.

There is an organisation called "Stand Alone" which was originally there to help people who had gone NC with their parents but now also offers support and advice to parents whose children have broken contact with them.
I think your Mum may get help there and they should have quite a balanced view.

This is a very emotive subject-your sister will have her reasons but your Mum is grieving. Treat your Mum as if she has had a bereavement-offer support but protect yourself.