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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Helping DM come to terms with no contact

144 replies

GinThief · 09/12/2015 00:04

I am hoping you might be able to help me with coping strategies / ideas for my mum.

My sister cut ties with my parents a few years ago. Its now been a year since she went completely no contact.

I see sister once a year due to distance but keep in contact when we can. We've never been close and I am happy with this setup. We both have busy lives.

My mum just cannot accept her daughter's decison, now very depressed & whenever we talk it's "why" "what did I do" etc. I've had the same conversation with my mum at least once a week. It's now making me resent phoning her/putting of calling as it's the same questions everytime.

She's had counselling which didn't really help as all she came away from it was she needed to accept situation which she has said she can't / won't.

I've been sending her magazines, thinking of you cards, taking her out for lunch etc to cheer her up. Deep down I know she doesn't want to see me she wants to see my sister. I can't make that happen so are there any coping tips from other parents who are now no contact with their children? how do I make my mum see there is a whole life out there for her away from her adult children with our own lives?

OP posts:
diddl · 10/12/2015 17:01

So it could be as simple as OPs sister needs a break.

And look how the mother is with OP-calling when asked not to, keep talking about the sister.

Perhaps OP will be needing a break soon...

2rebecca · 10/12/2015 17:07

Your mum is expecting you to mother her and reassure her. There does sound to be a lot of "poor poor me" involved.
I agree with not taking social calls at work and keeping your phone on silent and telling your mum you don't want to discuss your sister and advising her to see a counselor if she feels she needs to discuss it as it is now adversely affecting your relationship with her.
This isn't your problem, don't let your mum turn it in to your problem

WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww · 10/12/2015 17:09

I admit to feeling like the OP's mother since my mother (and extended family) cut me off. It is grieving but it is a complicated bereavement (as the daughter/my mother is not dead) and it is even harder to get through as there is no 'closure'. I do 'wallow' in it some days and waste days on here whilst gorging on mini cheddars as it is a blow that's really hard to come back from. DH has been driven insane by me rehashing the lead up to it and swinging from blaming myself to blaming my mother. I must be really hard to live with as I question myself on everything.

I agree with PP's and think you should rock the boat and urge your sister to sort it out with your mother - assuming there is nothing toxic that went on of course.

I would certainly be empathetic to your mother for feeling the way she does.

Lizabloo · 10/12/2015 17:15

I have a degree of empathy for the mother too-but it does sound as if she has difficulty with boundaries.
I do not however think that the OP should try to intervene with the sister-it is between the sister and her mother and triangulating is likely to end in tears (someone will turn on OP).
I think its just best for her to be as supportive as possible whilst setting boundaries around calls at work etc.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 10/12/2015 17:18

I wonder what happens if the person who 'goes NC' suddenly finds they really need the help of the one who s/he was shunning? Do they then reverse and apologise and explain WHY and expect to be taken in and helped?

Under no circumstances would I ever try to ask my (biological) BPD mother for help, nor my 'normal' but really deeply unpleasant adoptive father. I'd prefer to go to my death than ask either of them for help; it would be a pleasanter option. It has actually been tested btw. My father was completely unconcerned that my baby had only a 20% chance of living, and my chances were only a bit better.

The last thing I'd expect from either of them would be help. If they needed it from me, they wouldn't get it either. I'm done trying to be a good daughter, except to my MIL. She, I'd do a lot for.

I might consider going to my totally uninvolved biological father for money if my children needed an expensive operation. He's very well off and while he doesn't want anything to do with his illegitimate daughter, I'd bring myself to ask for their sake.

BertrandRussell · 10/12/2015 17:22

"Sounds like BertrandRussell was generalising to me,"

It may have sounded like that to you- but that is because you did not read my post properly.

WashedUpHysteric · 10/12/2015 17:22

I realise that now, I was just typing a message. Sorry!!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 10/12/2015 17:52

I wonder what happens if the person who 'goes NC' suddenly finds they really need the help of the one who s/he was shunning? Do they then reverse and apologise and explain WHY and expect to be taken in and helped?

Hahahahaha Hahahahaha

Whenim64 · 10/12/2015 17:57

Again-the idea of getting help may give rise to hollow laughter for some people, others would be immediately helped as the parent would be so glad to see them all these situations are different.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 10/12/2015 17:58

Mumy mother has never had so much as a kind word for me during difficult times. When my dad died and I then discovered my husband's affair 2 weeks later to the day, the only thing that meant I was able to get through it was not having her around to 'help'.

So yes, I went through two traumatic life events in quick succession and her not being round was a blessing.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 10/12/2015 18:01

agreed there, whenim64. all these situations are different! and the original post does not assign fault really, though the OP does say her mother is very hard work.

Also ... the NC might not be permanent.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 10/12/2015 18:15

Doea anyone go no contact for trivial reasons? I doubt it.

Lizabloo · 10/12/2015 18:20

I don't think anyone goes NC for trivial reasons-they are usually very hurt/angry.
People do go NC for complicated reasons and some parents are very distressed about it.

springydaffs · 10/12/2015 18:42

Some adult children can't, or won't? , cope with difficulties in their lives and, instead of facing their stuff, blame it all on the parent. This is a very common scenario. So, yes, they are in a lot of pain but the 'resolution' is a detour, in effect.

I'm of course not talking here about a genuinely toxic parent. Pp (sorry, didn't c&p your NN, apologies) says People telling me I must be to blame in part is a huge kick in the teeth. and I'm not saying that in a genuinely toxic situation, which it sounds you were in.

And i do know about genuinely toxic situations: I am nc with my siblings. I've been through hell in the past 4 years or so and I can just about bear it bcs I don't have them in my life - joy of joys. Even if I was dying I wouldn't contact them or want their 'help' (ha! It wouldn't be help, it would be tying a lead weight to my feet). I also would find it hard to hear if I was reading a thread that suggested I had contributed to their (rabid) toxicity, in part to blame for it. I would feel panicky to read that, so I think I know something of how you may feel.

Isetan · 10/12/2015 18:59

Meanwhile back to the OP. It sounds like you have a plan OP and I hope your mother takes the hint but remember, you are not a mediator or herapist and you have the right not to be treated like them.

Good luck.

springydaffs · 10/12/2015 19:23

You can be the 'back to the op' monitor isetan on this emotive thread Xmas Wink

FantasticButtocks · 10/12/2015 19:38

Do you think your mother is hoping that if she keeps telling you how she feels about it, you will eventually intervene between your DSis and her? Beware of being sent on a mission like that.

I'd say to her - I know you're upset about the situation with dsis, but you do know I can't change that situation, don't you? So we need to stop talking about it so much because it's affecting our relationship now and we don't want that do we?

2rebecca · 10/12/2015 19:45

I've been in the position of having to advise parents whose adult (or more often teenage) children have gone NC. In general my advice is for them not to keep phoning/ texting them etc but make it clear they are there and happy to talk if the "child" wants to get in touch and find other stuff to distract them. I also advise them not to make rare conversations/ letters etc with the estranged child all about them and how upset they are, the stress it is causing them, how depressed they are etc.
In general the parents who seem generally pleasant and follow this advice end up back in contact again, the narcissists who can't see beyond themselves don't.
Your mother sadly sounds in the latter camp. She needs to rebuild her life and make her daughter want to be in contact with her because she would enhance her life, not make her feel guilty.

springydaffs · 10/12/2015 19:57

How old is your mum, op?

Isetan · 10/12/2015 20:01

Once a prefect springy, always a prefect. Not to be mercenary or anything but I hope the reward for such a prestigious position is more, 'kaching' and less 'being a role model for the younger ones' Xmas Smile.

springydaffs · 10/12/2015 21:35
Xmas Grin

what's kaching

Kewcumber · 10/12/2015 22:17

My brother would never apologise, not ever because he doesn't think what he's done is wrong. He has gradually convinced himself of his poor treatment by us which has (almost amusingly) been rewritten in progressively worse terms over the past 3 years.

Of course I have no "right" to a relationship with him. We all accept that the choice is his to make.

Interesting how we are able to be accepting of his "rights" and would none the less all help him in an emergency. He however would not contemplate seeing my mother when she was rushed into hospital. I wonder if some of you would still deem that there must be something in our behaviour which made him go no contact. How about if I mentioned that he was so controlling and bullying of his wife that his own daughter gave her mother an ultimatum that she either had to throw him out or restrict contact to the girls to when he wasn't around. They're now divorced.

Still convinced it must be us not him?

Original poster
GinThief · 10/12/2015 22:48

Springy Early 60's

OP posts:
Original poster
GinThief · 10/12/2015 22:55

2rebecca yes I've already tried to warn mum that her emails will push sister further away. If any emails are to be sent they should be about the present not asking why no contact and how upset she is.

I personally think no emails should be sent but it's not up to me I'm just the listener zzzzz

OP posts:
tma1968 · 10/12/2015 23:27

my mum is estranged from all her siblings. i helped her talk thru the anger hurt sadness etc which entailed hours and hours of what ifs and if onlys and aportioning blame etc. after a period of time i began to dread seeing her and goin over it again so i simply told her how i felt. she understood that id helped as much as i cud and agreed that nothing more cud b said so we agreed to not discuss it any further. it actually did us both good because it faded from our minds. now we will casually mention it occasionally and we are happy with that. try telling her how you feel.