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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really upset as just found out that DH is looking at....

153 replies

bloomingnora · 12/12/2006 21:30

teen porn websites. Too angry to even change my name. Was looking at another thread about someones dh using internet dating website and thought I would check the history on the laptop and lo and behold they are all just the f*king same. Stupid immature idiots that cannot keep their minds off sex for five minutes. I hope the silly f*ker sees this and gets the shock he deserves. And now I can't stop crying and we have two children both of whom are ill and my best friend is away on holiday so have no-one to talk to and all I can think is how much sleep I am going to miss out on as a result of having to stay up until dh gets back to kick his ass. Have just checked the pc and strangely enough the history has been wiped. Am I stupid to be so upset by this? Bad enough that it's porn but teenagers?? Feel sick.

OP posts:

amlivingproof · 14/12/2006 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 14/12/2006 15:54

So what is the solution as most young men use some form of titllation during masturbation.Do we expect them to stop looking at these things as soon as they enter a relationship?Or maybe when the relationship becomes serious/move in together/have kids?Where do you draw the line.It is a reality that a lot of men are turned on by visuals and unfortunately they don't look at the bigger picture(excuse the pun)

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 16:22

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem sorry to offend. I REALLY disagree that porn use is a slippery path to infidelity or strip clubs etc. Or that it requires more and more hardcore porn. Most men have one or two things that they like and focus on those things - you don't need more and more hardcore porn to get off.

Issues of trust are paramount of course but if women are saying that their husbands MUST NOT look at porn when they have spent their lives doing it, and that this is an issue over which their relationships will fail, it is very sad, because no matter how much your DH loves you, he has probably spent his life doing this and getting turned on by visual images. It is like insisting that he never masturbates again - except in a way that women are happy with (i.e. using imagination). There are SO MANY women on MN who have posted that their husbands NEVER do this sort of thing. A vast majority of them will be wrong. I think it's important to point out that it doesn't have to be a make-or-break issue before they discover the truth and they lose their husband and their children lose a father.

And it is sad that some women might worry that their husband's porn "habit" is going to escalate when there is no evidence to support such a claim.

I'm not meaning to say that those of you who are struggling with these issues with your partners are silly at all - your feelings are very real and genuine and I'm very sorry that you are going through this.

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 16:26

And I think there ARE compromises. I think you can say "Look, I know you are doing this but I worry about it, so please don't delete your internet history because I just want to know that it isn't escalating" or "Please don't use porn sites that you pay for" or "Please don't view personal webcam stripping" or "Please don't view young girls." I think these things are worth considering before giving your husband an ultimatum that he isn't going to keep.

This is just my opinion but I DO think it's worth saying - and again, I don't mean to denigrate those of you who are struggling with these issues.

swifter · 14/12/2006 17:27

i actually dont think going to a strip club is that awful, especially as a lads thig MP but what I object to is the amount of money spent to look at a pair of tits. I also dont have issues with porn per se, what I do have issues with is the type of porn some men use. My OH occasionaly looks at Porn and it is always asian girls. It used to make me feel slighlty insecure, as if thats what he wanted in RL but realise its just titilation.

I also think that women who do object to porn have valid reasons for it and shouldnt be made to feel as if they are prudish.

amlivingproof · 14/12/2006 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

swifter · 14/12/2006 19:09

i'm sorry, i didn't mean to upset you- i meant in my experience with my DP I havent found them to be a problem. As with most things it is about moderation. It sounds like your DP has a problem with porn and isn't/wasn't able to moderate his use of these things.

swifter · 14/12/2006 19:13

divastrop · 14/12/2006 19:46

i havent read all of this thread but i had to point out that i worked at lidl some years ago and i got paid well above minimum wage

i dont get why some people think its ok for men to look at porn behind their partners backs?they say things like 'hes only looking,its only a fantasy' but would they say the same about a paedophile looking at pictures of kids?'oh hes not doing anything wrong cos hes only having a wank over some pictures' ????

divastrop · 14/12/2006 20:11

having read the rest of the thread now,i think it comes down to trust.personally,i'd consider my dp looking at porn behind my back as cheating.but if couples want to look at porn together,as part of a healthy sex life,i dont see anything wrong with that.

noddyholder · 14/12/2006 20:13

Divastrop the two have no link imo

Bugsy2 · 14/12/2006 20:14

I'm sorry but the notion that you have to go more & more hardcore to get turned on. IME this is simply not so. If that were the case there would be hoards of 80 yr old men requiring acts of utter depravity to get aroused. Absolutely not the case.
Deception & inappropriate expenditure are completely different subjects unrelated to porn. I would be hacked off if I was broke & my partner/husband spent £1k on anything that wasn't family orientated. But these are separate issues & not actually related to some bloke looking at porn on the internet.

swifter · 14/12/2006 20:29

think it is naive to equate looking at porn to being unfaithful.

divastrop · 14/12/2006 20:34

swifter-i can assure you i am by no means naieve,that is mine and my dps personal opinion of looking at porn behind the others back,and as i have seen on these threads many times,people have very differing views on what they would class as being unfaithful.

swifter · 14/12/2006 20:40

I think it is naive - where do we draw the line here? So if my DP walks down the road and looks at an attractive woman then he is being unfaithful? If he looks at a bit of porn every now and then he is being unfaithful? I dont get it. Fortunatly I am secure enough in our relationship that I dont have to police him all the time.

I completely appreciate some people feel very insecure about porn and when shrouded in secrecy it can be hurtful but have never considered it as being unfaithful.

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 20:49

I'm sorry but I masturbate behind my partner's back (well not literally - he might turn around)

Some things are best done in PRIVATE. Whether that involves DECEPTION is another matter.

Child porn has nothing to do with men looking at pornography.

divastrop · 14/12/2006 20:56

good for you.

Original poster

bloomingnora · 14/12/2006 21:04

This is the first time I have managed to log on and think I need to clear up a few things. Firstly I wouldn't actually change the locks (nor hit DH on the nose with a rolled up newspaper!) - I did mention that I tend to use humour as a defense mechanism!! I had a long think and actually came to some of the same conclusions as others on this thread. I also worked out that the reason I was mostly pissed off was the idea that he had been wanking to porn while I was doing any one of the numerous drudgy things that need doing (he works from home so this is perfectly possible). I know that sounds a bit sad but I think your world can shrink somewhat when you've got a new baby.I did talk to him about it last night and actually said that I would prefer that he looked at porn than went off with someone else. He was horrified and denied all knowledge of the looking at porn in the first place even though I had given him no reason to (I really wasn't accusatory or anything other than lovely and understanding). I was also upset by the idea that he had done it behind my back as I think that porn can be part of a healthy sex life if both partners are happy about it. But if you've ever looked in the mirror with your new baby and thought how craggy and old and wrinkly you look or pushed them down the street in a pram and hated the dirt and rubbish that surround them you will understand why porn and new babies just don't go! They seem to be polar opposites. I don't worry that this is going to escalate because I don't think it necessarily does for all men much as not everyone who smokes one fag becomes a smoker IYKWIM.

It's all very complicated isn't it....but when you're on your own and knackered and feeling like a fat minger you take things very much to heart! So may be I did overreact but it's because I love him and suspect that whatever he did I would stay with him - perhaps I am cross with myself for that as much as with him for some of the things he does. I do believe that marriage has to be worked at and people do grow up and change it just seems that men are slightly slower than women. Or as my friend would have it, I only know one emotionally mature man and it's not my husband. She's 56 and has been married for 23 years!

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 14/12/2006 21:44

That's not complicated at all BN, very reasonable and understandable.

Just for the record, I have no problem with people wanking, objectifing and getting off on each other - but I do think porn (by that I mean industrial commericial porn not home made erotica) and the ubiquity of its aesthetic in modern culture is a bit worrying. I'd like to see more balance.

kittylettekissingsanta · 14/12/2006 22:26

i dont think theres anything wrong with porn, i look at it and enojy it, alone and with my partner,

he knows i look at porn and he isnt threatened by it - but it is mostly female stuff,

however i think its different for a woman when a mans looking at porn, like somehow 'were not good enough' or 'dont look like those women' iykwim

double standards i know, but thats how i feel,

having said that i dont mind him looking at porn, but i dont think he does that much, if at all

one things for sure if it causing friction in a relationshp it needs to be discussed

Monkeytrousers · 14/12/2006 23:00

I think we need to reiterate that porn does not equate with sex. Porn is sex squared, if you like. It turns you on, pushes your primal buttons without much effort. Relationships on the other hand, require effort, good ones more so.

Disliking porn does not = disliking sex, or being sexually liberated.

You have to get to grips with the industrial nature of the industry, the exploitation it unarguably contains. Yes you and me, everyone is turned on by explicit sexual images - anyone who denies that such images have some affect on them is denying their human sexuality. But we don't need to rely on the industrial exploitation of men and women (and children and animals) to come - it's the definition of superfluous, surely.

Let me just state for the record; I am a feminist, I am attractive, I wear makeup, I love flirting, I love good sex, blah blah blah - surely we can be interested in and question the cultural acceptance of industries that quite obviously rely on the exploitation of others, be that the sex, oil or arms?

kittylettekissingsanta · 14/12/2006 23:05

i dont believe a woman who agrees to be phtographed naked, legs akimbo is being 'exploited'

shes a grown woman making her own choices, getting paid and choosing to do it, as are the rest of the people in the porn industry

kittylettekissingsanta · 14/12/2006 23:07

im not talking about the dark side of it either, the horrible child porn idustry and such,

i mean women who conent to have the pics taken in full knowledge of what its for - how can that be exploitation?

Monkeytrousers · 14/12/2006 23:18

Eh?

It's far too late to stack up the evidence for you and I don?t want to piss you off; but how detached are you from the reality of the porn industry? It is an area of huge scientific study.

Really, rationalise all you want; I'm not asking you to question your sexuality just your gullibility.

kittylettekissingsanta · 14/12/2006 23:26

its a job, that women choose to do,

yeah there will be some tragic cases where women are forced into things, there are in every industry, but its work, like anything else for most women,

like i said women that agree to it arent being exploited,

the site i go on is where women send pics in them selves, young beautiful liberated women!

hardly exploited

if i thought for a minute any woman on there was being exploited i wouldnt visit it

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