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Original poster

Really upset as just found out that DH is looking at....

153 replies

bloomingnora · 12/12/2006 21:30

teen porn websites. Too angry to even change my name. Was looking at another thread about someones dh using internet dating website and thought I would check the history on the laptop and lo and behold they are all just the f*king same. Stupid immature idiots that cannot keep their minds off sex for five minutes. I hope the silly f*ker sees this and gets the shock he deserves. And now I can't stop crying and we have two children both of whom are ill and my best friend is away on holiday so have no-one to talk to and all I can think is how much sleep I am going to miss out on as a result of having to stay up until dh gets back to kick his ass. Have just checked the pc and strangely enough the history has been wiped. Am I stupid to be so upset by this? Bad enough that it's porn but teenagers?? Feel sick.

OP posts:
ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:32

We have often conversed on here Sophable And yes have used other names on senstive threads

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:33

I was thinking alone lines of burnt bras too YellowVan lol.. and I'm so not a bra burner!

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:35

wickedwinterwitch will be along soon to give me a good kicking no doubt.

this is one of the only things we disagree on.

noddyholder · 13/12/2006 14:35

I have to agree with sophable here.Our sexuality is our own personal business and using something like porn or toys really has no bearing on 'real'sexual relationships.What about people who are single and use these things to satisfy themselves and then continue to do so within a relationship?At what point as a couple does our own private pleasure stop? The teen thing is worrying if they were very young although lots of men are turned on visually by firm young things but wouldn't dream of doing anything about it in RL and would probably find the girls that turn them on in books/sited mindnumbingly boring and inexperienced in the bedroom!

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:36

by the way shiny, you did that really well.....that thing where i was ranting and raving and you said calmly and kindly 'you're ranting and raving and you might be hurting someones feelings and that's no like you' that bit.

stopped me in midrant that did.

i might try that one day.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:38

I do think that Sophable and Noddy and others are looking at it too 2-dimensionally.. if that makes sense. And that's rich considering my "they're just men" comments I know.

But the dynamics of a whole relationship can be changed by aspects of a porn habit. You are missing this point as anyone would who has not suffered this. (And I mean suffered.)

Am retiring from thread now!

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:39

Well it wasn't like you Sophable. I like your posts and always think what you say is worth consideration.

yellowvan · 13/12/2006 14:46

Agree Bethle! The whole visual emphasis tunes a man out of responding to his RL partner,with her various noises, smell, feel and warmth, the rewards are too instant, and thats when it starts to get addictive. Of course it changes the relationship, it introduces secrecy and mistrust for a start, not to mention feelings of insecurity and inadequacy (on both sides). But where is Nora? Has she approached her DH with what she has found?

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 16:35

If our sexuality is our own personal business then why is porn so bland and impersonal?

I agree, there is no need for sex stereotyping, but male and female sexualites are different and there are baseline universals for both. Thats science not stereotyping.

Bugsy2 · 14/12/2006 09:36

I'm slightly confused by some of the views on here. Every man I've ever been with for any length of time has admitted to enjoying porn. As far as I know, none of them had a 'habit' as such & in all honesty most of them were very receptive, enthusiastic & good lovers.
Because consenting adult porn doesn't horrify me, I've been happy to watch porn with them, look at Playboy, work my way through the Joy of Sex etc etc. There was nothing sordid or dirty about any of it. Just seemed to be part of a normal adult sex life.
I never for one moment felt that I wasn't "enough" for these men or that they actually wanted to be with a porn star or anything along those lines.
My own view is that porn is not necessarily the tip of the iceberg at all or any more habit forming that checking the football scores, it can be a perfectly normal part of an adult relationship.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 14/12/2006 09:42

Then you are in a very privileged postion Bugsy, lucky you. Enjoy it, but you should realise that for a variety of reasons, many women won't or can't feel the same. Not because we are prudes either.

Bugsy2 · 14/12/2006 10:00

I'm not expecting everyone to feel the same, I just feel that it doesn't have to be seen as sordid, bad, dirty or perverted and that it doesn't make those people who do find it appealling sex crazed demons.
I don't think I'm lucky - it is just my perspective that is all.

noddyholder · 14/12/2006 10:38

Well said bugsy!

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 14/12/2006 11:14

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Bugsy2 · 14/12/2006 11:45

If you are looking at porn together or if you are comfortable with your partner/husband/lover looking at it, then there is no need for lies, deceipt or mistrust.
My ex-husband had an affair, but of all the men I have been with he was the one with the least interest in porn - so no correlation there as far as I am concerned.
Also, I consider there to be a huge difference in engaging in online relationships to watching porn. Engaging in a relationship outside of your partnership or marriage is something completely separate.
If Iamlivingproof is one side of a spectrum - then I am another. I am just trying to offer a different perspective.

amlivingproof · 14/12/2006 13:37

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amlivingproof · 14/12/2006 13:49

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swifter · 14/12/2006 14:01

are you still together AMLP??
my sister rang me in tears today-her husband got in at 6am and was wrecked - had spent 250 squid in a strip club and justified it as it was his birthday! They are skint as we all are at this time of year but she is so unhappy about it as it ended up with just him and one other guy going-she feels like he has betrayed her. I justified it by saying it doesnt mean anything , this is what men do...blah blah- but seriosuly why do they feel the need and also what a dick

amlivingproof · 14/12/2006 14:08

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notasheep · 14/12/2006 14:10

AMLP-We have big problems here too,and as you said its the lies,deceit and mistrust.
I cant even look at dp in the eye now.

If the shoe was on the other foot i know that dp would be devestated if i looked at black men with large......
He has done the teenager viewing too.
Our sex life is over and so will our relationship be soon

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 14:44

I agree with Sophable

Some women have high sex drives / like looking at porn. That doesn't have to be an activity that occurs in a moral vacuum. I'm sure that there are lots of people who look at porn and wish that they weren't turn on by it because it would give them more time to hoover or think about philosophy

Am very glad I am not a man because I would be accused of being obsessed-by-sex and a dirty unredeemable pervert

I'm really sorry that people feel threatened by their husbands looking at porn - I don't know WHERE this feeling of threat comes from.

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 14:45

Spend 1k at a strip club or visiting prostitutes is not remotely similar to viewing porn

Please don't confuse the issues!

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 14/12/2006 14:52

MP if you read the thread you SEE where this feeling of threat comes from! Not meaning to be rude but am feeling frustrated when people breeze into these threads, dismiss those who are upset as silly and unreasonable (not saying anyone has used those words) and imply that they should pull themselves together.

It can be truly devastating to have a DH who lies to you and deceives you (in some relationships repeatedly) just so he can get off on online porn. And as I keep saying, for many men it leads on to other things. Women who might once have been quite laid back about the whole issue can have their whole confidence undermined. It can make a DW look at her DH in a whole different way in all respects when she knows she can no longer trust him in a particularly respect.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 14/12/2006 14:55

And if you feel the issues you mention are being confused, that is because x amount of men (hopefully a minority but still!) will allow 'basic' porn to lead onto those more serious issues. It's all here on MN.. you have only to read the archives.. and it's not just one solitary DH who has done it either.

The hurt some women have clearly endured in order to (try to) save a relationship is dreadful.

yellowvan · 14/12/2006 15:20

I still maintain it changes people, especially the way men relate to women in sexual relationships. Also it loses its effect quickly, it "wears out" leading to the use of increasingly hardcore images to get the same (orgasmic) effect, hence the escalation and risk of addiction. Surely if this stuff is going into your mind over a long period of time it is going to change your perception of women and relationships?The women are not viewed as PEOPLE they are OBJECTS for orgasmic relief. There is no back story, she is a thing. That has got to rub off surely? They are And don't even get me started on the lives of the "stars" of the "art form" at the seedier end (we're not talking girls in bikinis in loaded are we?) drug addiction, people traffiking, forced prostitution etc etc. Not nice