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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really upset as just found out that DH is looking at....

153 replies

bloomingnora · 12/12/2006 21:30

teen porn websites. Too angry to even change my name. Was looking at another thread about someones dh using internet dating website and thought I would check the history on the laptop and lo and behold they are all just the f*king same. Stupid immature idiots that cannot keep their minds off sex for five minutes. I hope the silly f*ker sees this and gets the shock he deserves. And now I can't stop crying and we have two children both of whom are ill and my best friend is away on holiday so have no-one to talk to and all I can think is how much sleep I am going to miss out on as a result of having to stay up until dh gets back to kick his ass. Have just checked the pc and strangely enough the history has been wiped. Am I stupid to be so upset by this? Bad enough that it's porn but teenagers?? Feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
bloomingnora · 12/12/2006 22:18

Am going to bed now as have to be up in the night breastfeeding ds who is 3 months and has nasty cold and dosing dd 3 years on calpol and cough medicine. Will not say anything til morning when have calmed down. Perhaps if I treat him like a toddler? I'm quite a good mum so maybe if I employ the same tactics?? I'll post tomorrow and let you know how I get on.

OP posts:
kittylettekissingsanta · 12/12/2006 22:20

good nite hun, try to get some rest,

will be thinking of you

xxx

Original poster
bloomingnora · 12/12/2006 22:21

Thanks for support. Night night!

OP posts:
FredBassett · 12/12/2006 22:21

But would she fancy him? Just console yourself that he's living in fantasyland and will need to come back down to earth one day - bit sad isn't it?

kittylettekissingsanta · 12/12/2006 22:31

lmao, sooo true

Helgand · 12/12/2006 22:46

Glad to hear you are going to speak to him about this. I am going to tell you a true story - I'm sorry if it scares you, but I mean it to scare your dh tbh. My friend's husband was succesfully prosecuted for looking at porn websites where the site stated the models were over 18, but because they looked under 18 it was classed as child porn. He is now classed as a sex offender, has lost his job, they were told to move out of the city before it hit the papers , she lost her job, they lost their house, their marriage is in tatters after being forced to live apart for 3 yrs (his contact with dc had to be supervised so couldn't live together), they are in financial ruin, have lost a lot of friends and are constantly having to lie to people rather than tell the whole story all the time.
I would not wish their ordeal on anyone and really hope your dh gets his act together and realises what he has to lose and how serious his actions are. I really hope you make some fast progress on this one. Best wishes.

surprise · 12/12/2006 23:33

i wouldn't worry, despite the previous post. Men are attracted to youth and beauty, because they are biologically programmed to go for young, strong mothers for their children. But society makes them (hopefully) aware that, even though they find young pert women attractive, that love and companionship is more important. I think men have always got more out of the way women look than vice versa, which is why it's quite hard to understand. I enjoy reading saucy books.. so is there any difference? If he really is interested in very young girls, then obviously that's different. But wasn't britney spears in her schoolgirl outfit most men's idea of a sex goddess? But she looked 16, not 6.

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 10:09

Surprise we all have biological proclivities but they don't make us helpless to them. He makes a conscious, not unconscious choice whenever he logs on to those sites and will also be aware of how hurtful it will be to his wife.

If he is masturbating to climax then that reinforces the 'positive' effects of logging on and it's this that becomes addictive - he thinks about logging on, gets and erection and so does it. He needs to get out of this cycle - and all it takes is a will to do it and respect for his partner anf family.

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 10:12

And saucy erotic books ask you to use your own imagination and no one is being exploited.

Porn does the opposite and is a hugely exploitative industry.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 10:12

i know it is a bit harsh....but there is a bit of me that really wants to just say: 'oh so what????'

so he looks a nubile young women (I'm assuming they are on the right side of 16?)?

so?

is he a good man? do you feel cared for?

do you think it's right snooping in his computer and then getting upset at what you find?

if looking at porn is immoral, so is sneaking through someone else's stuff. In my view neither is a mortal sin. if then porn bothers you then TALK to him about it, but in an open way (not much chance of this it seems to me).

sorry.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 10:13

monkeytrousers shopping in a big supermarket is MORE exploitative of MORE people (people oftentimes on the povertyline).

this reaction is not about feminist outrage is it? no.

sunnywong · 13/12/2006 10:16

I'll say it for you sophable"
"oh so what?"

I foudn out my dh was doing this when I had just had a baby. And you know what he is not a montser or a beast or The Devil .........he's a bloke with a computer. That's what they are like.
Don't tell him I told you thought will you

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 10:24

I don't know Soph. The sex industry is the third biggest market after arms and oil I think.

I'm giving my own opinion on porn. Men and women are sexual animals - I've absolutely no problem with that. What I object to the cynical and industrial exploitation of that sexuality for commercial ends. Porn barons are not providing an altruistic service, they are exploiting people, and that exploitation is explicitly evident in screen, not hidden behind a label on a supermarket shelf.

I?ve no problem with men finding women attractive, but porn peddles lies about women and there is hard evidence mounting that the instant availability of porn on the internet is having devastating effects on families when men and young boys become addicted to it.

I said in another post, this is a market and just as the food industry exploits our biological liking for salty, fatty food knowing it is very bad for us in the long term, so porn exploits our desire to climax ? not have sex ? just climax ? and often becoming more solitary and secretive when doing so.

nameforthebadstuff · 13/12/2006 10:24

I agree with Helgand, this has the potential to be serious. A close relative of mine was prosecuted this year for looking at teen sites, he was all over the front page of his local paper with his photograph and street name, and has had people coming round to the house and making abusive phonecalls. He is now on the sex offenders register - and this is just for looking at pictures, he never had any sexual contact with an underage girl.

you DO NOT KNOW how old the models are. In any case, 'legit' teen sites carry links to underage sites.

My relative was a respectable man with no previous record, a father of 3 daughters.

Me and my sisters all had to be visited by social services to discuss the contact my relative had with our children.

If you have the slightest suspicion that any of these girls were underage, or if he has downloaded anything, I suggest you take your hard drive and drop it over a very high cliff.

I am not being alarmist.

I am telling you what can happen.

It is that serious.

Issymum · 13/12/2006 10:25

Just a male perspective on this: I was surfing around MNet last night and saw this thread and read the OP. I called out to DH, who for some inexplicable reason had his head in the tool cupboard searching for a drill bit, "Do you ever look at internet porn?". DH's muffled reply: "No. When would I have the time?". He then popped his head out of the cupboard and said in a tone of genuine concern, "Why, do you think I ought to? Do you think it would zap up our sex life by sort of putting it on the agenda?" I reassured him that it wasn't necessary and with some relief he went back to the tool cupboard.

This isn't intended to undermine the OP, just to illustrate that men can have a rather different perspective on porn.

sunnywong · 13/12/2006 10:26

yes good point
if he locks himself in for hours at a time and devours an entire box of Kleenex Mansize then it is cause for concern.

Actually I am terrified that The Fragrant Boys will find their way in to a porn portal via Nickelodeon or the like sooner or later

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 10:28

Is thay you Suzy? Is it sunny in Oz?

sunnywong · 13/12/2006 10:29

yes
not as sunny as yesterday, now that was sunny. Hence my xmas name.

I bet you all think Mr Wong is a filthy perve now. I should not have posted that.

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 10:31

It's lashing down up here!

...Is that why it's called mansize??

nameforthebadstuff · 13/12/2006 10:42

This is not about a man looking at porn. This is about a man looking at teen porn. 'Teen' encompasses 13 year olds. I am not suggesting your DH is interested in 13 year olds but he might get a picture of one on the screen, and the judge will not care/believe that this is not what he was looking for.

I don't think this can be laughed off as 'ho, ho, men like to wank'

A visit from a child protection officer is not a good thing.

Issymum · 13/12/2006 10:45

OK I'm with you on the distinction between bland, generic, topshelf type porn and teen porn, presuming that teen porn is not 24 year olds pretending to be 16 year olds.

NoXmasNameForNomDePlume · 13/12/2006 10:48

Erm....

I thin kyou'll find that the majority of porn sites labelled as 'Teen' or 'virgin' or 'Lolita' or 'young' etc etc are actually populated by girls who are over 18 but have a younger look about them. This type of porn is mainstream and is not, not, not connected to child pornography.

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 11:02

Sorry to be graphic, but those who don't see anything wrong with it wouldn't mind their own 19 year old daughters spreading their legs in school uniforms as wank fodder then?

NoXmasNameForNomDePlume · 13/12/2006 11:06

She would be an adult. There would be nothing I could do to stop her. I would want to make sure that she was being treated fairly though, but I wouldn't/couldn't stop her from doing it full stop.

Monkeytrousers · 13/12/2006 11:09

That is so logical and fairminded Nom - I bet however that you would be devastated if it ever happened in RL! No you couldn't stop it, but it's not up there on your list of achievments is it?