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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really upset as just found out that DH is looking at....

153 replies

bloomingnora · 12/12/2006 21:30

teen porn websites. Too angry to even change my name. Was looking at another thread about someones dh using internet dating website and thought I would check the history on the laptop and lo and behold they are all just the f*king same. Stupid immature idiots that cannot keep their minds off sex for five minutes. I hope the silly f*ker sees this and gets the shock he deserves. And now I can't stop crying and we have two children both of whom are ill and my best friend is away on holiday so have no-one to talk to and all I can think is how much sleep I am going to miss out on as a result of having to stay up until dh gets back to kick his ass. Have just checked the pc and strangely enough the history has been wiped. Am I stupid to be so upset by this? Bad enough that it's porn but teenagers?? Feel sick.

OP posts:
ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 13:39

It depends what it leads to. Some men (they are plenty on here to read about) allow to it lead to more interactive online actitivies.. even regsistering on 'dating' type sites and all that this can lead to. Not all by any means.. but many.. it's all here on the Relationship forums of MN.

And really if basic porn use is that upsetting to the female partner, then the DH ought not to do it. Not if it really devastates the person he is wth presumably because he loves, cares about and respects her.

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 13/12/2006 13:41

If I found out that my dh was downloading and looking at internet porn, or any other porn for that matter, then I would be devostated, because to me it would feel as if he was lusting after something/someone that wasn't me iykwim. but ...

I would rather that he was looking at pictures of women, on a computer screen, at home, than out every night and potentially paying to have actual sex, with prostitutes.

Porn is just a fantacy, and while I can totally see why someone might be hurt by its use, things could be a lot worse.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 13:49

i think that that 'devastation' is insidious.

what is it that is so threatening? and so devastating.

gosh, I revel in dh finding other women physically attractive as I have certain knowledge that there is no one in the world that he finds as beautiful, as sexy or as desirable as me (deluded man that he is ).

unless you feel undesirable....and from experience i can say that nothing a husband can do can cure that, that has to come from the woman herself.

quite apart from which, porn isn't about fancying is it? it is about objectification, which can be sexy to women too...it doesn't all have to be hearts and flowers and love does it? zipless fucks or fantasies about them can be part of our sexuality can't they? and if they aren't, are we right to condemn our partners if they are part of theirs?

I don't think so personally.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 13:54

You're right in that it all comes down to how the woman feels about herself.. but if him looking at porn makes her feel like shit, shouldn't he stop doing it? A relationship is multi-faceted to say the least.. they may be many factors involved in which she does not have the greatest confidence in herself.. or even why she might in other respects, but still does deal 'well' with him looking at porn.

It's not quite the same as DH saying "I hate you doing the gardening! It makes you look dirty and messy.. I don't care that you enjoy it.. I want you to stop...!" and DW saying "Ok then dear.. whatever you say.." is it? You must see that. Porn is something different.

Bugsy2 · 13/12/2006 13:57

I'm not a lesbian, but I find women's bodies attractive & do find porn quite erotic sometimes. I don't think this makes me a dirty pervert & nor would I say the same about any man who felt the same. I am fairly straight & only like consenting adult kind of porn & would find young girls/boys offensive & disturbing to say the least.
I have looked at porn with most of my previous partners & never once felt threatened by it. I'd much rather be open about this than be shocked & horrified & make it something taboo.

Bugsy2 · 13/12/2006 13:58

should have said I find men's bodies attractive too!

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:03

That's great Bugsy, and good for you.. I mean that sincerely and genuinely. However, we are all different, all in out own relationships with our other halves, all have different experiences that make us feel different about different things. And at different times in our lives.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:08

shiny i totally get that. but do you not think that there is an expectation that women should be outraged by the possibility that their men watch porn?

why is that?

amlivingproof · 13/12/2006 14:11

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ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:12

Can't comment on that. I only know that I USED to be ok with it.. and now I'm not.. sadly. Nuff said under my ShinyHappy name!

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:13

ALP yes precisely

amlivingproof · 13/12/2006 14:14

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amlivingproof · 13/12/2006 14:16

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amlivingproof · 13/12/2006 14:17

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ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:18

Oh yes ALP because it's in their "private time" and "what we don't need to know, shouldn't concern us"! Perhaps we are supposed to beleive we are SO lucky to have them, living and breathing (not to mention wanking) in our homes that we should turn a demurely blind eye and button our lips?

In truth, I don't think they think that much... they are just men after all....

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:18

Me too

expatinscotland · 13/12/2006 14:19

Porn nowadays is so unimaginative and boring.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:20

I totally agree expat.

except have you googled the feminist porn awards. they were held in canada. I do believe some of the winners to be not so dull.

I do believe there is some serious misandry flying about on this thread.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:23

Oh God Sopahble.. now I've got to put misandry into Dictionary.com.. and my connection is so crap today.. just clarify for me will you?

[Shiny abandons all pretence at doing degree with immediate effect]

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:25

opposite of misogeny.

men are this. men are that. oh well, they're just men. etc etc etc.

it's just as ugly as it's opposite imo.

and uncalled for.

OP found out that dh has been looking at porn. She went looking as she'd seen it written about on another thread on here (!). She is upset, but also outraged. I think that is fuelled by some very suspect sentiments prevalent in these discussions on this website.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:25

p.s. i didn't know the word until earlier this year and have been looking for a chance to use it! am crap.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 13/12/2006 14:27

I didn't used to be like that Sophable. I hate generalisation as a rule. But the older I get, the more I notice certain, shall we say, common thought trends, among men.

Honestly, I used to despise gender stereotyping. Still do in many cases. But in some respects have had to remove head from sand.

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:30

oh god. look. I know you don't i? i mean i don't know who you are, but i know you under another name on here. i can tell. and you're hurt by something that's happened around this.

i'm so sorry.

i do think it is about the relationship rather than the porn though. shoot me. but i do.

and i know all about how dark it can seem when your relationship feels like it is in big trouble.

but making men the 'other' with 'their ways' does not help us.

hug emoticon.

i'm off before i piss the world off.

still think everyone should google the feminist porn awards

Heathcliffscathy · 13/12/2006 14:30

oh god. look. I know you don't i? i mean i don't know who you are, but i know you under another name on here. i can tell. and you're hurt by something that's happened around this.

i'm so sorry.

i do think it is about the relationship rather than the porn though. shoot me. but i do.

and i know all about how dark it can seem when your relationship feels like it is in big trouble.

but making men the 'other' with 'their ways' does not help us.

hug emoticon.

i'm off before i piss the world off.

still think everyone should google the feminist porn awards

yellowvan · 13/12/2006 14:31

Its incredibly addictive, and also I think it must surely change the way you think about women. It divorces sex from the smell, taste and touch of a real woman, internet porn dulls a mans response to a real womnan by its focus on the visual/auditory. In the end,if you accept that we are shaped and moulded by our thoughts and experiences, and a certain man's experience of sex is through internet porn then the logical result is an objectification of women, a woman becomes an orifice to be penetrated and used. It is incredibly damaging to relationships, as many people on this site can attest to. I really hope Nora can talk this out with her DH and help him stop before it escalates.
Thats me in me dungarees and burnt bra then