silent treatment from PILs

[sphinxster]

DS is 2 months old and DH has told his parents that we have registered him and given him both of our surnames (I didn't change my name after marriage). Since they found this out they haven't responded to any messages or pictures we've sent them of DS, up until this news they couldn't get enough of their grandchild.

I don't want to be a drip feeder but I also don't want to post a long, irrelevant TMI post!

If it's relevant: They are very old fashioned, and our relationship hasn't been great but always peaceful. We live overseas so most of our contact with them is via a free messaging service. This is their first grandchild. They had a bit of a bitch and a whine when we asked them not to visit for a few weeks when DS was born because I thought having ILs in the house with a new baby would be too stressful (didn't say that to them though). We have invited them for Christmas and they don't want to visit until February.

I don't want to fall out with them, I want them to have a good relationship with DS.

I know they're pissed off because this is how they behave when they're pissed off.

What can I do/say to make this better?... They are being massively unreasonable but I can't be arsed to fight, I just want a peaceful life!

Any advice?

Fuckyouchris, that's brilliant.

That is awesome fuckyou

Glad to be of service :)

Just make sure that any response doesn't accept any of the responsibility for their ridiculousness. Treat it as what it is, a stupid tantrum. They can calm down and start behaving, and then you can think about moving forwards (with firm boundaries), or they can carry on foot-stomping, and you'll ignore them.

Sorry you're having to deal with this at such a special time.

And don't apologise!

TBH I would not respond to their most recent text message. The contact you see is the reward; any response from you is wanted. Do not give them that satisfaction.

Unfortunately whilst I do like Chris's response such a worded response will likely backfire against the OP and her DH. These people are completely unreasonable on multiple levels and thus the "usual" methods of dealing with familial relations cannot be employed at all effectively. Infact the rule book goes out the window. It does not matter a jot how nicely the message is worded because the toxic person's best defence is attack. Their last text message was a thinly veiled threat and such a message along the lines of Chris's could well add more fuel to the flames.

I am therefore glad to read OP that your DH has not yet sent any response; radio silence needs to be maintained. That will drive them nuts.

Reading and or posting on the well we took you to Stately Homes thread may also benefit you as well.

It needs to be remembered too that such people like your ILs sphinxster never ever apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

It would not surprise me at all now if your DH was subsequently disinherited, a previously unknown health scare involving "tests" crops up or flying monkeys (like the BIL you have mentioned) descending on you to do their bidding for them (i.e well meaning relatives who are acting purely in their own self interest).

Where do I find the stately home thread?

I'm open to all and any advice that I can discuss with DH and then it's up to him to make the decision on how to proceed with them.

Personally, I don't want them in my baby's life. I don't want to imagine the emotional damage they could potentially do to a child if they pull this crap when he's older and aware. But, they are DH's parents.

It wouldn't surprise me also if it not only meant DH was disinherited but that they will always view any monkey balls baby as inferior to any balls baby. And if that's what some of that meant, your DH needs to consider whether that will be good for your DC in future too. I feel so sorry for him right now, he's stuck in a situation he can't win and its not his fault. But kids can make you grow backbones you never knew existed.

Nightmare! I recon something like

'Im sorry to hear you're upset about DS's name. However DW and myself are in complete agreement about what to call him. We are very happy with his name but can't quite understand why such a small thing has cased such a huge amount of trauma? We also don't understand what you mean by consequences. The kindest and most loving thing would be to accept us all as we are. We are enjoying having our new baby and have no space for mind games'

Just read fuckyous response - excellent!'

Are there really people this ridiculous in the world?

Here's the latest Stately Homes thread

While I love the email by FuckYouChris, I am inclined to agree with Attila that ignoring may be the best option. Sadly. But if your DH does want to reply, FuckYouChris has it. Especially the advice NOT to apologise!

So they basically are working from the misapprehension that FMB was given your DHs surname at birth, and that you have since added yours (in their minds entirely at your insistence)?

I think it may be worth pointing out that in fact their family name was the one that was added, not yours.
Also, could they perhaps be specific about the consequences they have hinted at, as so far the only consequences of this situation is that they are missing out on their first grandchild's early life and currently poisoning their relationship with his parents. If they choose to continue with their behaviour, they will be grandparents in name only if they continue to disrespect your wishes.

I think the trick here is to stay completely dispassionate, and don't allow them to read any emotion from your responses. They want to imagine you weeping over their messages.
Chris's response is excellent.

No. They are working from the misapprehension that their son will continue to do what they want . This isn't about something as small as a name . It's about power and control . Them having it and their son ( and by extension his family ) doing what they say .

OP and her husband are challenging the entire world view of PIL, how they interact with their family . This is a HUGE DEAL - no wonder PIL are taking a stand on it . They will be very VERY angry and probably vindictive .

Well yes, all that with bells on , but they could at least get their facts straight if they're going to base this amount of histrionics on it.

Sorry, that sounded ruder than I meant .

I agree completely with your advice to stay detached from their histrionics . Which will get harder, because they will up the ante . As atilla predicted , next will be the flying monkeys and the health scare .

My ex PIL's insisted me and DD's dad got married (at 18!) because they didn't want a bastard GC Obviously I didn't do that.... So they made us homeless, while heavily pregnant. I wish back then I had cut them out completely as I've had 3 years or more of false accusations, emotional blackmail, social services calls and severe narcissism including trying to adopt my DD! (Yes they were laughed out of court)

It sounds like cutting them out is a blessing in disguise. Especially for your DC, must be hard for your DP though as my ex still struggles with "but they're my parents" understandably so I hope they see sense, it befounds me how ridiculous people can be!

I completely agree that no response at all is the best way to go. But I suspect that you and your dh aren't quite there yet.

I wouldn't want you to think that by sending the perfect message, you will get a rational response. You're not going to get that. And as Attila points out, you're not going to get an apology either.

So you will need to prepare yourselves for the response. Again Attila has pointed out a few likely things up thread (sudden illness etc.)

It's all about how you manage these people from here on in.

Leaping straight to no contact, for normal rational people (like you and your dh) is hard. You want to explain, understand, make them understand, find a resolution. But you are dealing with people who aren't rational.

I do have a relationship with difficult relatives. It's low contact. I don't respond to any daftness, there are strict boundaries in place, but it can still be draining. They are not malicious, just selfish. But after years it is doable, with a no-tolerance attitude.

Tread carefully because you don't want to alienate your dh. This must be very hard for him. Even when you can see your parents aren't perfect, you still want to believe they aren't terrible. He will want to believe that they're trying to do this for the right reasons (they're not). He will want to believe this comes from a place of love (it doesn't). And he will go through a form of grieving as he comes to term with it. So be careful not to push too hard.

Mil will probably become ill next.... calls for Dh to rush to her bedside etc.
be warned.

FuckyouChris's response is brilliant. Much better than my 'Oh dear never mind. Thanks for the info' one.

These people are ridiculous! I am NC with my parents for just this kind of hyper-emotional, ('devastated' ) attention-seeking, narcissistic CRAP!! In my experience any response is the wrong one so I would advise not responding at all. It's very difficult to remain composed and rational with these kind of drama queens and quite often my sensible and measured responses would quickly descend into me just wanting to shout 'what the fuck is wrong with you ridiculous people??!!!!' into their faces (I didn't do that by the way!). There is nothing you can say that will help them process their feelings about the name thing because you are normal and rational and they are lunatics and will respond as such. I often wish I hadn't bothered trying to appeal to my parents better nature because I now realise they don't have one and I might as well have been banging my head against the wall.

I would leave it for now, eventually they will be so desperate to see their grandson that they will come crawling back and if the name thing gets mentioned again just say 'well it's unfortunate you feel that way but that is his name' and change the subject.

Thank goodness you live in different countries. Any chance that the inevitable health scare will mean they are unable to travel to visit?

Stand firm. My PIL have done all kinds of stuff over the years, and I always tried to play fair, and support my DH, but eventually they shot themselves in the foot, and my DH and kids made their own minds up. I've lost the anger now. They are different to us, and their way will never be ours. You, DH and Fluffy Monkey Balls are your own unit now, and nobody can control you.