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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

silent treatment from PILs

149 replies

sphinxster · 02/12/2015 16:38

DS is 2 months old and DH has told his parents that we have registered him and given him both of our surnames (I didn't change my name after marriage). Since they found this out they haven't responded to any messages or pictures we've sent them of DS, up until this news they couldn't get enough of their grandchild.

I don't want to be a drip feeder but I also don't want to post a long, irrelevant TMI post!

If it's relevant: They are very old fashioned, and our relationship hasn't been great but always peaceful. We live overseas so most of our contact with them is via a free messaging service. This is their first grandchild. They had a bit of a bitch and a whine when we asked them not to visit for a few weeks when DS was born because I thought having ILs in the house with a new baby would be too stressful (didn't say that to them though). We have invited them for Christmas and they don't want to visit until February.

I don't want to fall out with them, I want them to have a good relationship with DS.

I know they're pissed off because this is how they behave when they're pissed off.

What can I do/say to make this better?... They are being massively unreasonable but I can't be arsed to fight, I just want a peaceful life!

Any advice?

OP posts:
Freezingwinter · 11/12/2015 20:21

I just wanted to drop in to say, my ILs act exactly like this. Like they love Ds so so much and would do anything for him but everything has to be absolutely on their terms! I don't have any advice just wanted to let you know you aren't alone! Cake

Ohfourfoxache · 11/12/2015 20:38

Christ alive what emotionally blackmailing bullshit Shock

If my 41 year old bil had ever married (actually he's never had a girlfriend - he's waiting for Claudia Schiffer Hmm ) I'd swear you were my sil.

Try to take comfort in the fact that there are many of us and it's not just you. Sometimes in the face of batshit crazy you can question your own sanity.

ecuse · 11/12/2015 20:44

My PILss are not as extreme as that but I recognize the pattern of taking umbrage over tiny perceived slights, flouncing/recriminations, emotional blackmail and then pronouncements of how much they love their grandkids/soon whilst actually being pretty shit at visiting/ inviting us/avoiding the D.R.A.M.A.

NancyDroop · 11/12/2015 20:54

Op I'm sorry your ILs are so terribly unreasonable and manipulative.

My ILs are similar and I also think your current name row is symptomatic of something more far reaching - your ILs see your DH as an extension of them and your DS as an extension of them as well. You are probably viewed more as an inconvenience.

I don't mean to be rude but rather to make you angry (at them!). My ILs have shown many times over that they consider me (and my SIL) this way.

Examples:

  • at our wedding they wanted to invite everyone they'd ever met but didn't see why I needed much family there
  • the wedding was abroad, in a Med country they're from. My parents flew in 2 days before the wedding and the ILs invited their own UK neighbours over to dinner rather than my parents
  • I'm from a northern European country and they complain every time I speak my language to my DC, mention anything from there etc... (have stated many times that their culture is better than mine. Ffs)
  • complain their culture is being extinguished in their DGC due to their foreign mother
  • have told DH that he needs to heed his mother as a wife can be divorced but he only has one mother

I could go on and on, but here is my point:

You presumably have dreamt of having children, you bore and birthed this baby, you love him with all your being, he is everything to you and you & DH are everything to him. He is very much loved and wanted by his parents and wider family .... he is a precious gift.

Yet your ILs are angry and emoticon-heartbroken because his mother's name has been included??!!??

Do they want you to pretend that this baby is only theirs? That you have just laid the egg for your DH and by extention your ILs?

It feels like a Victorian or older situation where the children belong to the father and if the mother is banished the children will grow up with the man's family.

I'm sorry I'm babbling now but it is just so goddamn insulting!

You love that baby every second of every day and if you & DH want him to have your name then that is a lovely lovely present to you DS.

PS I think you couldn't do better than Fluffy Monkey Balls, lovely choice Grin

Original poster
sphinxster · 12/12/2015 12:05

Strictly, you should definitely NC your ILs for that, the bastards!

Domino & Preemptive, yes & yes... I still can't quite believe this is happening!!

Freezing & ohfour & ecuse, thank you, I appreciate the solidarity and the reassurance that I'm not the one that's batshit. Grin

Nancy, your ILs are awful. I'm speechless that they have criticised your culture and language (which is their GC's culture and language). It is so very insulting! How can they not see how disrespectful they are? And do they really think being tw*ts to their GC's mother is a good idea? What are the expecting to gain from it!!

Fluffy Monkey Balls doesn't need to be exposed to that sort of shit.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 12/12/2015 14:40

I love your humour, and your anger, OP. It will stand you in good stead.

From where I'm sitting, it's easy to laugh at your ILs' flouncing and transparent attempts at manipulation. Controlling and manipulative people really are quite ridiculous.

I know it's often enraging to be the one dealing with that behaviour (I have my own dysfunctional family). But it becomes a lot easier on you once you're able to see it for what it is, and laugh at it.

Getting all stirred up only hurts you.

They are being ridiculous. Point and laugh (in their presence if you feel like it), and don't let it get to you.

RiceCrispieTreats · 12/12/2015 14:42

Oh, and they are certainly going to land on your doorstep in February, btw. They wouldn't miss the chance to be at the centre of a drama of their own making for the world.

So you and your DP need to have a united front and be ready and willing to back each other up. Including choosing to rescind the invitation, or evicting them after 3 strikes.

Original poster
sphinxster · 12/12/2015 16:20

Thanks for your message, RiceCrispie. I've tolerated their crap for 15 years just to keep the peace and prevent awkwardness but they can bollox now, I certainly will be pointing and laughing if they land on our doorstep in February.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 12/12/2015 16:33

HE DOES HAVE THE RIGHT NAME!!! Your in laws just don't agree with you.

mix56 · 12/12/2015 18:52

Leave them to sulk.

You could tell them that in the country where you live & where the baby was born, it is normal to also have the mother's name on the birth cert.
(Which is actually the case where I live.)

Shelby2010 · 13/12/2015 01:33

I don't see why MIL is so offended anyway. Unless her & FIL are also cousins then presumably the 'name' only became hers on marriage?!

They sound like a pair of control-freak drama lamas. I'm not sure that they will add anything positive to your son's life anyway.

Original poster
sphinxster · 15/12/2015 14:44

Me again!

DH has just received the following message from his parents and just wondered if anyone has any thoughts:

It's been 3weeks since we learnt Baby's full name we were on a bus in xxx and in tears. The decision that you and Sphinxster made hurt us and that hurt is not going away and very much doubt it will.We are devastated. We have no objections to Sphinxster's maiden name but as soon as Baby was born he had a surname and all other names are given.The decision you and Sphinxster made has consequences as the decisions we make.This does not lessen the love we have for Baby, both of you have produced a little diamond,look after him
Dad. (Dad in tears writing this).

Btw: baby did have a surname at birth... MINE... And we added DH's surname to it when we registered him!!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 15/12/2015 14:47

How old are they?

14?

Emotional, over the top bollocks.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/12/2015 14:49

Their comment makes no sense. It sounds like they were expecting to be consulted on what you called your child.

Original poster
sphinxster · 15/12/2015 14:52

Devastated and consequences???

What are they talking about???

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 15/12/2015 14:58

Wow what a MASSIVE over-reaction. Are they in competition for the Drama-queen of the year or something? Devastaded and in tears because baby has your name as well as theirs?

I would advise DH to reply 'get a grip'. And yes, to point out that the baby had a name, yours!

NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 14:59

Oh Lord. How very tempting to reply "Go Fuck Yourselves." But it's probably best not to reply at all.

shoeaddict83 · 15/12/2015 15:03

Sorry late to the party just RTFT, am speechless!! How do these people think they have any right to your child name? And hat really effects how much they see him?
Christ they have a happy healthy GS, WTF is the issue with a name? (incidentally im LOVING the Fluffy Monkey Balls one!) if he was born with a disability or an extra toe or something would that effect them too to the point of not seeing him ever as well??? Ridiculous!

They sound so over the top and dramatic im a little flabbergasted!

I Think your totally right in standing your ground - they miss out not you, and your son will probably be better off without that crappy selfish negativity in his life anyway. Hope DH stands by you on this one and his parents can go swivel with their precious name! Xmas Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 15:07

Note how that message is all about them; its all very narcissistic in tone.

Going no contact with these people is an option you need to seriously now consider.

freespiritsbadattitude · 15/12/2015 15:11

What a couple of drama queens! I would totally ignore. It's not worth engaging. Leave them to their "devastation" until they've calmed down. Hopefully one of the "consequences" is that you won't be receiving any visitors in February.

LOL at the plaintive "look after him"!

Ohfourfoxache · 15/12/2015 15:13

Oh for the love of all that's holy.......

Fwiw I think you have 2 choices - ignore, or tell them to get a grip. Do not pander to them, please. That message was not looking to reconcile, it was narcissistic and threatening IMHO

KatharinaRosalie · 15/12/2015 15:13

'thank you so much for asking us to look after him. We were just giving him to wolves to raise'

sparechange · 15/12/2015 15:17

Consequences and decisions... Is that a thinly veiled threat to being disinherited..?

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 15/12/2015 15:20

"it's a pity you consider the name as being more important than this lovely, live, beautiful baby.

We think 'love' for a baby does not depend on a name"

schlong · 15/12/2015 15:26

Being written out of the will perchance? Consequences and decisions...