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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

silent treatment from PILs

149 replies

sphinxster · 02/12/2015 16:38

DS is 2 months old and DH has told his parents that we have registered him and given him both of our surnames (I didn't change my name after marriage). Since they found this out they haven't responded to any messages or pictures we've sent them of DS, up until this news they couldn't get enough of their grandchild.

I don't want to be a drip feeder but I also don't want to post a long, irrelevant TMI post!

If it's relevant: They are very old fashioned, and our relationship hasn't been great but always peaceful. We live overseas so most of our contact with them is via a free messaging service. This is their first grandchild. They had a bit of a bitch and a whine when we asked them not to visit for a few weeks when DS was born because I thought having ILs in the house with a new baby would be too stressful (didn't say that to them though). We have invited them for Christmas and they don't want to visit until February.

I don't want to fall out with them, I want them to have a good relationship with DS.

I know they're pissed off because this is how they behave when they're pissed off.

What can I do/say to make this better?... They are being massively unreasonable but I can't be arsed to fight, I just want a peaceful life!

Any advice?

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 15/12/2015 15:39

Ffs! I'd have thought you would've received a grovelling message not one ramping it up! Ignore the crazy twats

JumpingJack56 · 15/12/2015 15:51

My mum is a bit like this sometimes, I'm find bluntness and no nonsense works for me when dealing with it. Obviously it's down to your dp to deal with this as its his parents but when similar things have played out with my family in the past a message very similar to below is what I've sent there is no reasoning with them, but I find with my mother at least being Being direct works to an extent. She would simmer over the message but realise she's not getting the reaction she wants so would curb it (to an extent-there would still be the barbed comments but they get shut down in one sentence from me).

'Your message makes even less sense than your behaviour. Yes baby had a surname when he was born-Sphinxster's maiden name as shown on hospital records. We added on my family name when we registered, if we had of expected any reaction to what we chose to name our child I would have thought it would be one of pleasure at us doing that. Either way we're the parents and it was down to us to name our baby-which we did and we're very pleased with our choice. The fact that your devastated is your own issue to deal with as you say there are consequences to all choices and you might want to bare that in mind with regards to us and baby xxx as your current behaviour is not only hurtful but also disrespectful to us as new parents.'

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 15:51

HA ha ha ha ha.

They are ridiculous.

shoeaddict83 · 15/12/2015 15:53

excellent response jumping Wink

JumpingJack56 · 15/12/2015 16:05

shoeaddict83 as you've probably guessed I'm not my mums favourite person but it's my responses like that which make her weary enough of me to not start with the histrionics as much as she would otherwise 😂

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 15/12/2015 16:07

I think I would be inclined to send a message back advising them not to think about your baby's name on the bus anymore as public crying can be awkward for some people to witness then send a photo of your son in a frame engraved with your son's name and a box of kleenex for Christmas I love a bit of a PA response

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 15/12/2015 16:32

I think your dh should text straight back with "Merry Christmas!" and some smileys.

That kind of drivel really does not merit a response.

I do think that your dh needs to make it very clear, very soon, that you are not expecting to see them in February. They are likely to think they can say what they like and still do what they want. If dh needs to give a reason he can always say that behaviour has consequences...

Original poster
sphinxster · 15/12/2015 16:38

Thank you all so very much for the responses.

I'm just sorting fluffy monkey balls out for bed: letting the cats lick him clean and feeding him KFC, I might then give him a shot of gin to help him sleep.

I'll be back in a bit to read and reply.

Thank you.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 15/12/2015 16:40

OPlove the reponse! Hope Fluffy Monkey Balls enjoys his gin and KFC, hope you also remember to let the neighbourhood dog in to watch over his cot whilst he sleeps Grin

WeThreeMythicalKings · 15/12/2015 16:53

I'm betting you're out of the will now. Sad people. They don't have to like of approve of your decision but they sure as hell have to accept it.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 15/12/2015 16:59

Twats.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 15/12/2015 17:27

Offer to change your last name and that if your orfsrping to Hitler. Or Pol Pot. OrFluffy Monkey Balls could become Gengis. Ask them which they'd prefer Xmas Wink

freespiritsbadattitude · 15/12/2015 17:31

They obviously had this idea of exactly how everything would be with their PFG (precious first grandchild) and you've gone and ruined it.

They don't sound very mature. I'm willing to bet there's not a grandparent in the world who disapproves of one or other thing surroudning their grandchildren, but most people are adult enough to accept the differences.

As tempting as it is I wouldn't reply, you'll just fuel the drama with any response other than "you're right, we'll change his name immediately."

PS - look after him. (that still has me chortling)

freespiritsbadattitude · 15/12/2015 17:32

Oops that should say "I'm willing to bet there's not a grandparent in the world who DOESN'T disapprove of one or other thing surroudning their grandchildren"

Ohfourfoxache · 15/12/2015 17:36

Holy fuck, you're feeding him? Surely he should be out roaming the streets scavenging for scraps!

StrictlyMumDancing · 15/12/2015 17:38

Oh please tell me your DH is at least half tempted to reply that in fact they are right and as you are now all in total agreement about it fluffy monkey balls will now be known as fluffy monkey or fluffy balls, whichever is mums name, am lost now emphasising that he is extremely shocked but exceptionally pleased they are embracing him keeping his birth surname Grin

Kr1stina · 15/12/2015 17:47

The consequences will be to disinherit your DH. On the basis that he and his son are not really members of their family now .

They sound like seriously nasty and manipulative people and you are going to need some help and support to help your DH deal with emotional fall out.

Please get yourself along to the stately homes thread .

NancyDroop · 15/12/2015 17:58

Ridiculous people! What is your DH's response to this latest message?

ethelb · 15/12/2015 18:06

OP you are doing really well staying out of it.

You do realise however that it has nothing to do with the name don't you? If it hadn't been this it would have been something else.

They are obviously really struggling with the fact they have moved down your husbands list of priorities and freaking out. V telling imo

Original poster
sphinxster · 15/12/2015 18:27

DH is having trouble deciphering the cryptic message. He said he's drafted a response but is going to leave it a few days before he sends it.

There's a long weekend over here and he says he just wants to concentrate on having a nice family weekend rather than think about them. They are his parents though, so he must be deeply wounded by this.

I spoke to my dad early because I was concerned that dh might start to resent me for even suggesting my surname but my lovely dad reassured me that isn't the kind of man i married and the only people he'll resent are his parents... Not that this situation is about me.

It is better they bow out of fluffy monkey's life now rather than later and break his heart because he wants to be an artist not a rugby player or marry a man or has a learning difficulty or changes his surname upon marriage or chooses to be a stay at home father/husband!

I agree they must have had an image of their first GC and this has come as a shock but get a grip!! If he's so important to them, his name shouldn't matter.

Thanks for the ideas for replies, there's some very good ideas there and I'll suggest them to DH when he wants to talk about it. Love some of the more sarcastic replies too, they've cheered me up.

I normally leave fluffy monkey balls to scavenge the cats' leftovers but I thought I'd treat him today, overcompensating for his loss of one set of grandparents.

Thanks again, everyone.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 18:29

I love that he has been unofficially named Fluffy Monkey Balls Grin

You and your DH (and your dad for that matter) sound lovely. Whatever happens you will get through it.

Original poster
sphinxster · 15/12/2015 18:33

Ethelb: I was just talking to my mum about this (yes i do run to my parents for venting and advice). We were theorising that they're crazy control freaks who have managed to keep control of their offsprings' lives (there is evidence of this) but DH has always been a bit too independent and the idea of having no control over their GC has tipped them over the edge. Therefore, they've gained some control back in the only way they can!!

Armchair psych.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 15/12/2015 19:06

They are ridiculous people.

"Dear PIL,

We were surprised to hear that you had such an emotional reaction to ds's name. There's not really any response we can give that will help you.

The correct response to hearing a new child's name is "how lovely" (even if you don't particularly like it). We are obviously disappointed in your reaction, but hope you find a way to come to terms with your issue soon. Perhaps it would be best to postpone your visit in February, until you are better able to cope.

Love
Dh"

Freezingwinter · 15/12/2015 19:08

Your in laws sound crazy and you have my sympathies because mine are in the same mould

NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 19:27

FuckYouChris I really like that. The wording is clever, it's strong without being nasty. It's actually worded very nicely but tells them to back off and makes it crystal clear that their reaction to the name is their problem. Plus it says don't come in February if you can't get over yourselves by then, but nicely Grin