silent treatment from PILs

[sphinxster]

DS is 2 months old and DH has told his parents that we have registered him and given him both of our surnames (I didn't change my name after marriage). Since they found this out they haven't responded to any messages or pictures we've sent them of DS, up until this news they couldn't get enough of their grandchild.

I don't want to be a drip feeder but I also don't want to post a long, irrelevant TMI post!

If it's relevant: They are very old fashioned, and our relationship hasn't been great but always peaceful. We live overseas so most of our contact with them is via a free messaging service. This is their first grandchild. They had a bit of a bitch and a whine when we asked them not to visit for a few weeks when DS was born because I thought having ILs in the house with a new baby would be too stressful (didn't say that to them though). We have invited them for Christmas and they don't want to visit until February.

I don't want to fall out with them, I want them to have a good relationship with DS.

I know they're pissed off because this is how they behave when they're pissed off.

What can I do/say to make this better?... They are being massively unreasonable but I can't be arsed to fight, I just want a peaceful life!

Any advice?

I would treat this like any other tantrum and ignore it completely. They are being pathetic. They are missing out on a special time and it really is their loss. What are they expecting you to about it now?

Just ignore and behave completely normally. Don't give them headspace.

Do not pander to them. They're cutting off their nose to spite their face. Let them.

People only behave like this for the attention it gets them. There is no reason to do it, if you're not getting any attention.

Ignore them and let them be your DH's problem.

My MIL did this!!

DH has always been the obedient unquestioning youngest son. ILs basically told me when they were coming to see new baby and it turned out to be on my birthday. We explained it wasn't possible as I had some friends celebrating with me at home. DH was cooking us all a meal. This resulted in them not choosing visiting till DS was 5 months! They also had a bitch fest with DS's eldest brother. BIL booked a two week window in which he might visit as he was in the area. However he only actually told us when he was coming the night before intending to arrive, then was shocked that we had commitments as he clearly expected us to do nothing for two weeks while waiting. He was very nasty about it. DH and I told him not to bother coming in the end and DH Got a flakey apology.

All nastiness was directed at me as scape goat. From all IL's. For me it highlighted how little respect they had for DH and his status as family man. With any other relative, the ILs would negotiate visits that suit everyone, however the expectation with DH is that they say jump and he says how high!!'

I would send 'here's one last image of DS we thought you might enjoy. You both seem to be totally blanking us, so our plan is to lay low now and let you get in contact when you are ready. We are happy to discuss things when you are ready'

No no no.

Totally ignore their silence. Send lots of lovely pictures & updates. Do not respond to childish behaviour, then you both have the moral high ground .
Enjoy your lovely new baby & let them come when they want, their loss!

Crikey, slowjog, they sound crap too!!

I've woken up today feeling really pissed off that they're so offended that my son has taken my name, that they feel this strongly about him only being a DH-surname!! That shows a total lack of respect for me as his mother and also a lack of respect for our wishes.

Have told DH not to message them... Will show him this thread when he gets home and discuss what he/we want to do about them.

Thanks again, everyone.

Can I be blunt coming from my jaded position as ex victim of frankly horrendous ILs?? Fuck em, love. It's your H's problem - do not let it become yours. My ex MIL was so offended at our choice of name for our DS that she deliberately misspelled it and mispronounced it right up until she last saw him 3 years ago. People like this are profoundly arrogant and think the world revolves around them. If you fall over yourself to accommodate you'll just be feeding their sense of entitlement. I bet you're more pissed off..you'll find as the sheer rudeness of their behaviour sinks in, you'll be incandescent with rage before the week's out. Do not engage with them at all. Count yourself lucky they live in different countries!

*you live in different countries

Don't send the message. Either of you
Don't 'JADE' justify/apologise/defend/explain because if either of you do, it becomes 'a thing that needs explaining' rather than 'a decision we made that has zero bearing on you as pils.'

Ignore the behaviour. Send your usual updates and if they mention the name at all, the correct response is;

(Blank look)what? Really? Is this an issue for you? I can't imagine why.,, why on earth would this upset you? How odd.,, (pitying look)

Or if you're up for a bit of passive agressive fun, there's the 'launching in to an earnest but incredibly dull monologue' technique.

"So interesting you should mention that, did you know that..."

Then you cover;
Historical feminist theory on patriarchal societies where you keep the mothers name
Genetics of maternal and paternal inheritance
Etc... All with an earnest smile. At some point they will get an uncomfortable feeling that you are taking the piss but they won't be able to do anything about it. Any interruptions you go off on another earnest tangent about something even more esoteric.
It takes a poker face to do this but it's my absolute favourite technique for dealing with people with objectionable opinions ;)

Don't apologise or explain. Instead treat them like naughty children - be the grown up. They have the problem. Not you.

You could always say something like 'here's a little photo of DS we thought you might like. Do contact us when you are feeling better. Love x'

Then don't contact them again.

Or is DH brave enough to point out how manipulative the silent treatment is?

It's such childish behaviour. What on earth was their parenting like? Was DH manipulated often?

sphinxster I would think twice about showing your DH this thread, only because I think he may be upset that you've been talking about your family's business in public. Admittedly none of us have the faintest idea who you are, which two countries you and your in-laws are in, and generally couldn't pick you out in a line-up but it's just worth thinking about how he might react.

Hopefully he wouldn't react badly and can see that this thread contains a lot of advice from people who've been where you are. He may find it very difficult to break away from his parents' control, however.

You really are not responsible for the relationship between your DH and his parents, if their behaviour upsets him then it is his responsibility to deal with it.

Stop messaging them, they know where you are and this prolonged sulk is probably attention seeking, so don't give it oxygen by contacting them (ignore bad behaviour and reward the good).

I know you mean well but you didn't cause their behaviour and therefore can't be responsible for changing it.

Schlong, that sounds familiar. We had a shortlist of 3 names (all very very ordinary and boring) and they picked out one name and shortened it to a different name. DH explained we hadn't decided on the name yet and that NNs are fine but they'd be a natural thing once he's born and we've decided on his name. Their response: "well, he'll be [name] in our family"!!!

Skiptonlass, love the dull monologue technique.

Slowjog, it is becoming more apparent that their behaviour is controlling, and looking back over the years they've often played this victim role to get their own way!

Tribpot, you're right, it might be quite insensitive to show him that I've been gossiping about his family.

Everyone else who's taken the time to reply, you're right, this is their bad behaviour and it's DH's responsibility to sort out.

I find it very sad for DH though, he's a good person and doesn't deserve this. I wish I could fix it for him but as you've all said, there's no fixing this attitude.

Unfortunately there is no way to fix it for him - I know, I'm in the same position with my DH. All you can do is support him as best as you possibly can and vent well away from him.

Please don't think I'm being flippant - it's shit and I really feel for you

I wouldn't worry too much op - it's quite gentle gossiping, on an anonymous forum, to people who couldn't identify you if they tried. I mean, if you'd called them thundercunts then that would have been different

Don't explain, apologise or justify. You've done nothing to necessitate it. If you do you're just giving them reasons to justify their behaviour. Ignore them and let them stew. Pillocks.

Apologies for re-hashing a thread (not sure what the etiquette is) but I needed a safe place to vent about this situation.

How can people behave this way towards their son and grandson? I find it unbelievable that these people said they loved this little baby but can cut contact with him because he doesn't have the right name!!! What the hell!!! What kind of people can do this. I'm so upset for my son and husband and so angry at these people.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family of origin yourself, unfortunately your DH has not been so lucky. Some people can and do indeed behave like this, its very typical actually of such toxic people and their actions are rooted in both power and control.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

I've downloaded it, thanks for recommending it.

This rings so many bells for me. DH's mother and husband wanted to book to visit the weekend I my due date with dc1, and as I was planning a home birth we suggested that they waited a week or so and didn't plan to stay in our house. They have pretty much held it against me/dc since. They only met dc1 at 8 weeks old and didn't respond to any texts, emails or pictures. Dc2 they only met at a family event when she as 11 weeks.

FF 6 years and dcs barely know who they are. They send v token (rubbish) gifts for birthdays, don't ring/speak to dcs and only see dc if we travel to see them.

I have had to move on. I no longer bother with ohios/updates etc and just see it as their loss. I cannot be responsible for their behaviour.

In addition, dh's dad and wife literally don't have any interest in dc and forgot both their birthdays this year. When they sent a belated card and cheque it was written to dcs with first names spelt wrong and only their part of dc's double-barrelled surname....

DH is v upset and embarrassed by their behaviour but we have had to make it clear to ourselves that we can't change it. We would never or vent them having access but they'd have to make some effort.

Bloody hell, charming! These people are nasty!

I suppose it's all fresh and still a big shock that this is really what they're doing... It's just so very sad.

When my son is old enough to understand, I have to tell him "gran and grandad doing speak to you because you took my name"?!?!?!

Just tell him they aren't well in the head but they love him in their own way. They'll get over themselves, hopefully!

Sounds like my PILs. MIL took 10 days to visit me in hospital after DD was born (10 mile drive) and her first words were 'What on earth possessed you to call her that (perfectly acceptable name) don't expect me to call her it' followed by 'What an ugly baby ' at which point I burst into tears and my mum told her to leave.
When DS was born she drove 50 miles to see him the same day!
Total cow, didn't change for the next 30+ years.

Ignore them OP, let them stew. It's no skin off your nose.