silent treatment from PILs

[sphinxster]

DS is 2 months old and DH has told his parents that we have registered him and given him both of our surnames (I didn't change my name after marriage). Since they found this out they haven't responded to any messages or pictures we've sent them of DS, up until this news they couldn't get enough of their grandchild.

I don't want to be a drip feeder but I also don't want to post a long, irrelevant TMI post!

If it's relevant: They are very old fashioned, and our relationship hasn't been great but always peaceful. We live overseas so most of our contact with them is via a free messaging service. This is their first grandchild. They had a bit of a bitch and a whine when we asked them not to visit for a few weeks when DS was born because I thought having ILs in the house with a new baby would be too stressful (didn't say that to them though). We have invited them for Christmas and they don't want to visit until February.

I don't want to fall out with them, I want them to have a good relationship with DS.

I know they're pissed off because this is how they behave when they're pissed off.

What can I do/say to make this better?... They are being massively unreasonable but I can't be arsed to fight, I just want a peaceful life!

Any advice?

I find it unbelievable that these people said they loved this little baby but can cut contact with him because he doesn't have the right name

their version of love and real love are different things. They have the word for it, but not the reality.

No decent person cuts a little baby off for so very minor a thing. No decent person cuts a baby off, full stop.

Don't forget there is also a big difference between real love and doing it for show.

Where my pils live, the entire village knew they are now grandparents. Yet when we had a prolonged hospital stay with Ds when he was born, him in special care, erratic blood sugars, couldn't keep anything down and we had absolutely no clean clothes for him or us - were they there? Were they fuck

Too true. One set of PIL eulogise loud and oft about how much they LOVE Dcs, how SPECIAL dcs are, How they'd do ANYTHING for them...and yet, I'm pretty sure they have no idea that DC2 started school this September, forgot both their birthdays, share none of the ups and downs of their days..

It's very sad that they have no real knowledge of what real love is, of what being a family is and of what real joy that can bring. It is undoubtedly to do with their own parents' inadequacies and their own rubbish childhoods etc etc. None of that is my concern really. My limited energy and resources have to go on building up and nurturing our little family and not being wasted on things I can't change.

I hope things become easier for you too.

OhFour

DC2 was v ill in hospital over christmas when a baby, DC1 was just 2. PILS stated over and over that they wished they could do something, how awful it was, how terrible, how upset......

They were only 40 minutes away, fit, healthy in their 50s and on holiday for the whole time - they came nowhere near, sent nothing, didn't help with dc1...but it was a truly terrible time for them

Holy fuck

Where the hell do these people come from?

Reminds me of mil when her dad passed - she was so terribly upset that her poor mum was on her own and in a home and had been diagnosed with cancer (day before he died), yet she whinged about going to visit for an hour (at her own sister's request begging ) because she has her own life to lead......

......right.........

Wow!! People are shits!! It's not the fact that they are horrid narcissists, it's that they actively pretend to be kind and generous!!

DH has just spoken to BIL who can see the situation from both sides BUT...
"This is their only grandchild and their name will die out"

• it's my only child and their name is in there to be passed on with mine.

"They won't be in contact for a while because they're so angry"

• and when they do get in touch will we get an apology for this or are we expected to welcome them back with open arms!!

Do they really think there won't be consequences to their actions?

Just wondering how the fuck they think their name is dying out when both your names are in there? And if BIL is so supportive of their actions then he had better put his finger out and help enable his parents behaviour by passing their name on through him.

I really hope DH told BIL they can be as angry as they like, its none of their effing business. And they're insistence at having nothing to do with 'their only grandchild' shows just how little he means to them, they will not have a relationship with him because they have chosen not to.

Hope BIL points out to them that they better come grovelling. Doubt it, but hope it happens.

How did dh react?

Might be worth having a look at the stately homes thread - they really do sound toxic and (bil at the very least) sounds like he is in FOG (fear obligation guilt)

Thank you for the responses, i do appreciate the support.

SWW, exactly! Their name won't die out and they're angry because mine won't!!!

Strictly & ohfour, DH was fairly assertive but it sounds like BIL thinks passing on the mother's name is crazy too... a bizarre attitude, which I'm finding more and more insulting. I'm just a birthing cow with no autonomy and how dare I pass on my silly little lady name.

I hope they don't think they're still welcome to stay here in February (if they manage to forgive us this heinous act before then).

Tell you what - you're damn lucky to get rid of them so early on. Or you'd be like pinkpoppy and have to put up with their shit for 30-odd years.

Which would you prefer?

So due to their outrage about "their name" dying out (did they invent this name? Are they the sole holders of it?) they are going to refuse contact with their only grandchild, the only legacy they actually have? I mean What. The. Fuck.

What if the child had been a girl? Would have they pre-cast her out because she might get married and she might change her name and then the name would die out? What if ds decides to change his surname to Rocknroll like Kate Winslet's husband? (I sincerely hope for your sake he does not, incidentally - although would be hilarious to tell the ILs that one).

how dare I pass on my silly little lady name.

Quote of the week! Yes how very dare you? Perhaps ILs have mistaken you for a penguin, laying an egg and then leaving DH in the Antarctic to incubate it through the freezing winter? (Even then the female penguins have to bring back food from their long trek, it's not like they're in Hawaii sipping cocktails whilst the chick is growing).

Stick to your guns re February.

It must be awkward for them to discover that incubators have opinions and feelings too - such an inconvenience, eh?

Their name hasn't been dropped altogether, this is so nuts. Especially because until the time you told them about the names, the PILs were happy and involved. It's a shame BIL daren't back you up.

I fear they'll be back in touch when they stop being angry.

According to BIL, it would have been better if we'd done myname dhname rather than dhname myname!! I'm not sure of the logic and I don't see any of it matters. If we'd called him Fluffy Monkey Balls, it's our choice and not something the rest of the world has a right to be pissed off with... By all means judge away but no one except the baby is entitled to be pissed off about his name that both parents agreed on.

I must sound like a stuck record but thanks (again) for the replies, it's good support even if you are all anonymous strangers.

Here's a few off topic anecdotes that we'd brushed under the carpet over the years and now are all flooding back - this is blatant bitching behind their backs:
"So, why did you want to go back to uni" - the praise i received upon completing my masters in a health care profession.
"You should work part time" - in reference to me earning more money than DH when we graduated our bachelors because "it's not right".
"Them gays at your wedding weren't bad" - in reference to a close friend and his husband.
"He's not a bad kid for a [old racist insult]" he got chastised by another DIL for this one and responded "well what are you meant to call them".
Visiting them during the summer, 7 months pregnant with luggage, we asked for a lift to the train station "can't you get the bus".
DH staying on his own with them: FIL asks him if he wants breakfast (MIL still in bed) DH says yes, PIL gets up and DH thinks he's walking to the kitchen but no, PIL is walking to the bottom of the stairs to shout up to MIL to get up because "DH wants breakfast".

Unfortunately these are DH's parents and I'm stuck with them.

*opens up 'toxic in laws'!!!

What difference does it make indeed if the surname is B-A rather than A-B?.

Ignore the flying monkey here that is your BIL. He is only acting in his own self interest and certainly not in yours.

I would not have anything at all to do with your DHs side of the family at all; they are all emotionally unhealthy and dysfunctional. I would prepare yourself for perhaps more contact from the flying monkeys and or a previously unknown health scare involving "tests".

Well they do sound like the most charming people. If anyone wants to remake Steptoe and Son they can save themselves the expense of using actors and just film it round at their house as a reality show.

So their concern is that when Fluffy Monkey-Balls is at school his name is just shortened to Fluffy Balls rather than Fluffy Monkey? (Slightly unfortunate example but you get the idea!) You've actually done it the way you would in Spain, where it would be Monkey Balls as two separate surnames. When Fluffy Monkey Balls has a baby with Daisy Fish Face the baby is called Baby Monkey Fish. The mother's surname is still lost, albeit one generation removed.

They obviously see the name thing as symptomatic of a bigger problem, which is you thinking too highly of yourself in the relationship - like his equal or something. That was obviously what was behind the 'you should work part-time so you earn less' comment. How is your DH to feel like the lord and master of his own home if you're there with your bigger salary and your child being given your silly little lady name?

Ultimately the less contact you can have with these people the better.

I'd always been told the traditional way to double barrel is mums name - dads name, so that essentially mums name gets dropped when people get lazy. This always confused me because I went to school with only two people with double barrels and both times the last name was dropped (and the people who dropped them were often told off by the kids involved ). I have no clue if the dropped name was mums or dads. I also went to uni with a few double barrelled people whos names have been double barrelled for generations, so both names are dads names. And then of course the Spanish tradition mentioned by trib. There is literally not a correct way to double barrel!

My DFs name and my MILs name have died out (on our branches at least). I could have double barrelled, and MIL would have supported me wholeheartedly (thankfully) but my maiden name does not go well with anything, doesn't lend itself to a middle name either. MIL said that it just wasn't the done thing for her time but now she thinks about it, her maiden name doesn't go with anything either.

I suspect your BIL is now feeling the pressure that he will have to conform now you have been so rude as not to. Tough on the lot of them.

The best punishment for them would be to black them for much longer then they blank you. So if they get in contact in February, blank them till July. Hopefully that will make them think twice before doing bit again. You can just pass it off as needing space from them after such an awful experience

DH has finally received a text:

"We love him so much" with a broken heart emoticon

Emotional manipulation by emoticon, nice!!!!

Tell him to text back that if they loved him so fucking much they wouldn't give a rats arse about his bloody name, and if they don't stop the childish bullshit they will end up having zero relationship with him and die miserable and fucking lonely

I think miserable and lonely are inevitable.

I love my DH so much but I didn't get a choice in his name. Should I blank my ILs for a while now then send them broken hearted emoticon texts?

I'd be tempted to text back 'I'm sure Fluffy Monkey-Balls would love a relationship with you too' making sure I used the full name.

Very manipulative.

Jaw dropping at the sexism here!