Please help me. I'm an alcoholic

[Marryoneorbecomeone]

Just that really.

I know I have a problem, I'm behaving very badly, and I need to stop.

I drink because I'm bored and lonely in the evenings when the kids are in bed. My marriage is stale but he's a good man and I'm letting him down.

Do I just turn up at an AA meeting?

Just to say well done to those recovering from this malady. I have never been there almost allergic to booze! but some fine story's of people coping with it.

Well done to you all:-)

Hi again Grammar and hope that your day has been OK. I really understand about the fragility and the emotions - and especially when you say that you hide bits and present a certain image to the world - only, of course, most people do this to a degree but I agree that alcoholics in particular feel that they have much to hide. Perversely, we are often perfectionists as well.

I can't see why you shouldn't use Bowie as a higher power! Many people just use the fellowship itself but essentially it's whatever has meaning for you.

I was thinking of you today because it's your AA meeting tomorrow (I think) - wishing you all the very best with that. Have you heard from your eldest again?

Grammar in going to pm you. I hope you're ok. X X X X X X

Such sensible and kind words Lobsterquadrille

Going ok here, not drank at all since I started this thread, going to AA regularly, taking ADs, clearing up my life and generally feeling a MILLION TIMES better than when I wrote my first post!

Hi marry - I seriously take my hat off to you - you are doing so well - it took me a long, long time to "get it" and here you are doing brilliantly. Very well done to you. You sound a lot better than your first post too! It's great to read. Keep on keeping on as they say and to you.

Lobster, how utterly, utterly kind of you to think of me. Yes, it's today, tonight. I'm not sure I want to share actually...I might just keep quiet and take in what others are saying. It's true, I am a bit of a perfectionist, which is why I feel I have to expunge my guilt by speaking (confessing) tonight. I am challenging that though, (There is no rule too say I HAVE to...except in my head).

So thoughtful of you to ask about my eldest, She has AS and is DREADFULLY perfectionist. She's OK, though texted me to say she had nearly vomited this morning from anxiety about a Chinese history exam. She can sap my Joie de Vivre yet I cannot stop worrying and fretting about her.

It was interesting to read the papers yesterday, I thought I was being a little frivolous by suggesting DB as a higher power, but Tim Jonze in The Guardian wrote 'There has been shock and surprise at his death, not only because, at 69, he was relatively young, but because people seemed to ascribe higher powers to him...as if he would somehow have twigged a way of escaping death...' There was something mystical and unknown about him, (God like?) Oh dear...there I go again.

Marry, how marvellous to read your post. You are inspiring me...I need to ask, did you truly think (and do you still), have a conviction that you will never drink again?...Because, although everything rational in my head is screaming , this drinking is out of control, is ruining relationships and how much stronger and better you are without it...I am terrified of the prospect of 'Forever'. Does 'Forever' evolve with time and conviction as one grows stronger with each day without it?. I have been on the Soberistas site and find Lucy Rocca an inspiring writer, but she DID (albeit after a catastrophic episode involving A&E) decide she could NEVER drink again. The AA book is pretty clear and does help me see that I can't...(one fellow was abstinent for 25 years and went back to it). So it's good to keep reading it, though the fervour of it is too much sometimes 'Thy will be done!' running through every scenario, even families of alcoholics are exhorted to support God and do his will...
My father, now died, was an Anglican clergyman, in London. He was more of a humanitarian than an out and out churchman, and his faith drove his kindness, BUT, he inculcated in me and my sister a deep suspicion of a God that provides all the answers easily...I guess the more evangelical, happy clappy type of churchmanship many people espouse to. So...it's a struggle, but I just wonder if I am overthinking all of this and need to deconstruct it to its basic principles...I drink too much, I need to stop for myself and others, I need help and support to do this. There is help and support right out there. Full stop.
A very humble and admiring salute to you Marry. And thanks again Lobster. I feel stronger reading your words.

Hi Grammar and good to hear from you - I have to say that you're sounding pretty inspiring yourself. I didn't share at meetings for ages and sometimes only do if I feel that it's particularly relevant and/or I think I have something to contribute. I stopped going for a long time because it seemed that the same few people shared the same few stories every single meeting ..... which is why I tried to go to some surrounding area meetings as well. Mind you, I did have a particularly bad experience at my local meeting which I won't put on here as it would definitely "out" me if any local AA people happened to be MN people too! And the details about your father and the "confessing" aspect - are these linked?

You put this question to marry so I hope you won't mind my comment on it ...... I find it a bit overwhelming even now, and a tad unhelpful for me anyway, to think about never drinking again. I believe that's why we think of one day at a time - or, in the beginning, an hour at a time (that helped me early on). Looking too far into the future can fill one with unease or dread or a sentiment of gloom or even worse, anticipation of hitting the self destruct button. Just think of today (there's a very good reason why AA promotes this). One thing that I did do was to write a list of all the deeply humiliating incidents that had happened to me (ha! even now I write using a passive type tense - rather, that I had caused entirely through my own idiocy) and read through it at times when I was tempted to pick up a bottle. I also used to get home from work, remove all make up and change into pyjamas in the knowledge that laziness and vanity would in most cases overcome a desire to drink - and as it's just DD and me, there is never drink in the house.

I'm afraid that the worrying about DD is part and parcel of being a caring mother ..... mine is off to university this year, is a perfectionist too and I will be just the same .....

Wishing you luck with your meeting, sending positive thoughts to you and marry and everyone else going through the same process ......

Grammar, the thought of a lifetime of sobriety scares the living crap out of me. I come from a long line of drinkers, every single social event I've ever been at has involved alcohol and life without it is unthinkable. And yet it must be so.
I can't say "I will never ever drink again." What I can say though, is that for today, I won't drink. That's all I can commit to. And then I picture waking up tomorrow with a clear head, and no feeling of anxiety and shame.

Sometimes I REALLY fancy sinking into a good bottle of white but I know it won't go well. So for today, I won't drink. Hope that explains. I'm only 41 days in so there's plenty of time for me to wobble but so far, so good.

So good to hear from you both.
Lobster the meeting I go to is about 35 minutes drive away in a very 'well-to-do town'. It's also very small, 9 people last night including me. I felt I had to go some way to introducing myself to the group so that I had a bit of ownership and therefore more likely to engage in the process. They are very nice and I do feel embraced, somewhat. It also inspires me in the short term, so today I have been feeling very strong and all day at work, I kept on having to stop myself 'piping up' about what I did last night, because it DOES feel like a jolly evening.
My father and the confessing, ?link...no not really...confession is more Catholic and my father was an Anglican clergyman but my childhood was filled with a lot of 'Shoulds' in terms of always being understanding and tolerant of others, always helping out..It was more to illustrate that I struggle with an 'easy' concept of God; a god who provides all the answers which is what the evangelical church can tend to. And it is this, in the Big Book that doesn't sit so well with me. Having said that...I do realise I am powerless so maybe it is less about a belief in a god who will keep me sober and more about placing Him at the centre of my efforts..
Marry and Lobster too
Yes, I guess the day at a time is important. I just wonder how many people feel an immediate and life-changing determination that they can never drink again. Making that list sounds like a good idea. I have listed, before all the benefits of giving up which include things like not waking up at 3am feeling nauseous, shaky and paranoid...
Did anyone watch the programme last night on TV called 'My Name is...And I'm an Alcoholic? It was very good. It had a broad spectrum of individuals spanning socio-economic class/ profession/gender. It explored each individual's pattern of drinking, their 'rock bottom' and their search for recovery. It was quite affecting esp right on the back of an AA meeting. One girl aged 31...said at the end 'Id rather amputate my leg than have another drink' But she was also the one who, objectively, realised that she could go back to it so easily...she was thinking how easy/nice it would be on the way to the interview for that programme about alcoholics, to blunt the feelings of apprehension and nerves. They were all so articulate and insightful and thoughtful and I think that is what AA is too.
Sad about Alan Rickman
Thinking of you both. Off to watch Channel4 +1 to get the news.

Hi Grammar and marry ...... Grammar, thank you so very much for reminding me about the Channel 5 programme! I'd intended to watch it but forgot all about it and, really 10pm onwards is my reading time so it was unlikely to happen as we don't have the television on unless it's something specific. Just watched it on my laptop and it was excellently done - I could relate to pretty much all of it (two bottles of wine before work, supermarket toilets, vodka in water bottles .....) especially everything Rachael said (the cellist with the heavy eyeliner). I especially liked the ending when it was apparent that the eight of them had been sober from between two weeks and 24 years - but they were all thinking of themselves in recovery despite their blips - I think that's where I used to fall down - I'd be "good" for months and then one drink would make me think "damnit, I'm a total disaster!" which is why I could relate to you in a post above somewhere a few days ago. Have been there so many times and you just get back up and carry on, as the Newcastle man (Jonathan?) said.

So glad that your AA meting gave you a sense of belonging and strength - it's great when they do that and has a lot to do with you being in a good mindset in the first place, I think - and yes, I know how you feel about wanting to "share" with others after the meeting!

Dreadfully sad about Alan Rickman - the curse of being 69 at the moment, it seems - and another to cancer too, awful for his family.

Hope you both have a good evening

Hello!
it's Friday and my real danger time, as is the weekend. Normally I get home from work, having been abstinent for all the weekdays and open a bottle (actually, before that..go to 2 different mini marts to buy wine so that I'm not seen to be buying too much) at about 3-30pm, to 'celebrate Friday'. So I'd be pissed by the time DH gets home at 6:30. We used to really enjoy Friday evenings as we'd open a bottle or 2 of wine and put on music or watch you tube videos of music or comedy. My dysfunctional drinking put an end to that.
I have a challenge on Sunday. Its my birthday, and DH was going to cook. But my MIL who is now in a residential home has offered to 'take us out' for a meal. She comes to us every Sunday for a meal at about 6ish.
The problem is....she is a harsh and critical person who I've struggled with for 25 years. Mt DH warned me before I first met her saying 'My mother isn't very nice'. Since then her SIL in Australia, twenty years ago, refused to EVER see her again after how she treated him then, and he's stuck to it. Her other son is single so I'm the only daughter-in-law. She was estranged from her own brother for 20 years too. She is now doubly incontinent and wheelchair bound but 'with it 'mentally. I guess, a dreadful situation to be in. She takes an inordinate amount of time to go and collect, get in the car (with a banana board) and then out again at the other end, then to repeat the process to go back.
I did all the cooking at Christmas and the transporting over the two days. I was SO looking forward to my birthday and a Sunday without her. Now normally, my DH would go and pick her up and I would blunt the whole episode by drinking wine, (secretly, beforehand, secretly during (if at home) and if out, openly with a large glass of red. Now, I just don't know how to get through it. All the work in going to get her and take her back will be incurred, the meal out will be highjacked by her and the only advantage is that we won't have to pay for it. What, just what can I do? Everything in me is screaming 'blunt...anaesthetise...you can get through it that way. I can even be kind and lovely to her with wine in me, but the rawness of an unblunted, uncushioned meal with her is almost anathema to me. I am truly not sure that I'll be able to do it, Big book or no. blimey the above just sounds like an AIBU! (To drink wine when my mother in law is here)...
I'm being frivolous of course... but the dilemma still stands.
Aaanyway...how are you bothLobster and Marry? and indeed anyone else...I do apologise if I came in and monopolised the thread, which I rather think I did with my missives.
I do hope you have a lovely evening and a really good weekend. I'll keep you posted about Sunday.The sun is out and I have lost 3 pounds of a stone, so life is sweet! We may watch ' Truly, Madly, Deeply' tonight in tribute to AR. Best of wishes.

Grammar in early sobriety I would take any steps necessary to preserve that sobriety and if that included not going into any situations that made me uncomfortable then that's what I did
So if that meal out with MIL is too much then simply don't do it
Time will make you stronger and the ability to deal with situations will come

I agree with Rosie. Perhaps look at it like this: alcoholism is a disease. And therefore you're not well and "cannot possibly do Sunday after all." So your husband can deal with MIL or its postponed. She'll live. You'll have a nicer birthday and your sobriety is protected. She sounds bloody awful.

Truly Madly Deeply is one of my favourite ever films although I cry through most of it!

Hi Grammar marry and rosie and anyone else ..... Grammar, I can relate to what you say about your MIL. It's a habit, which in its strongest form is what, really an addiction is all about. I worked abroad for many years and couldn't even have a telephone call with my DM without having had a couple of large glasses of wine, so I really understand where you're coming from, given all the (physical and emotional) strain that a meal with your MIL entails. AA advocates a) avoiding such situations as rosie says or, if you absolutely cannot avoid it, having your own escape plan/route if things become unbearable and you feel that you are going to drink. It's easier said than done ..... I missed one of my niece's 18th birthday parties and it was mentioned for literally years by my parents - that I had disappointed everyone etc - even now I'm not sure that it was worth it (and it was 10 years ago!)

I do not recall your saying how "bought into" your recovery your DH is ..... and how understanding of your sobriety he is - but since he is clued up about his own mother, can his help be enlisted? As a plus, if you're going out for a meal then can you choose a place that is known for swift service and agree with DH that it'll be a one or two course meal, no hanging around and then take her back again? Can you both do the journeys to get her so that you're not left in the kitchen glugging wine and anticipating her arrival and the meal?

Really hope that you can reconcile it in your mind and have something lovely and non-alcoholic planned for when she has gone - calling your eldest?

And a very happy birthday for Sunday!!

Thank you Pals!
It's not an option really...She knew she wouldn't get an invite here on my birthday so has suggested the meal out. We can't say no, she is in a parlous state now and I do feel sorry for her, terrified of loneliness, physically limited and humiliated etc.. No, I will be gracious..... I may go out tomorrow and buy myself a really good book and put aside the time after seeing her on Sunday to an indulgent read. Any suggestions? Just finished 'The Loney', very, very good.
Bless you all, for being so kind, you are a source of great strength to me.
Am still wobbly about David Bowie. There was a beautiful recording of some words of his at the end of Last Word on radio 4 his afternoon and I cried afresh. I'll stop now to give someone else a chance. Have a lovely weekend.

Books: I've just started A Man Called Ove and am liking it.

Just cooking supper so will update tomorrow. Hope that everyone has a good Friday evening.

Happy birthday to you, Grammar !!

Hope that you have a lovely day and hope very much that you don't get derailed by your MIL. I do understand that there are some things that he have to do, so you must take steps to mitigate damage and plan in advance - and you really must get DH on board with what you need to do to maintain your sobriety and peace of mind. Think of going to bed tonight and patting yourself metaphorically on the back for fulfilling your duties and maintaining an outwardly calm exterior - and it will all be over ....

I hope you managed to get a decent book. As I mentioned (I think) at the beginning of the thread, knowing that I was coming home from work and that there was a gripping book for me to continue, was seriously often the do I drink/don't I drink balancing weight. For me, many of the issues were boredom related although other people found that hard to understand as I worked full time, was a 100% single parent and had many friends. It was an isolation type of boredom - the worst kind in my view as it occurs internally and is the hardest to rectify. If you want any further books I'd be more than happy to oblige but would PM you directly so as not to derail marry's thread even further.

Marry, I hope that you're having a good weekend albeit a pretty cold one - we've (South East) woken up to snow this morning; not an awful lot but I don't like this weather much, pretty though it might be.

Wishing you both and everyone else strength and peace and acceptance and all that good stuff.

Good morning Lobster! We had a minty dusting of snow too here. I'm back in bed with a poorly little child, snuggling in the warm.

Please, please post the books on here! I'm an avid reader too, and when I'm not reading I'm thinking about reading! I've spent the morning, between sick mop ups, looking at book storage on Pinterest. Part of my "returning to self" as it were, is about creating spaces for me to relax and read, instead of just plonking in front of the fire in the back room, and opening the wine.
Ive just finished "the lady and the van" by Alan Bennett. Very gentle and funny.

Hope today goes well, Grammar! Happy birthday! X

Hi marry - sorry to hear that DC is poorly; hopefully she'll feel better in the morning. I was talking about The Lady and the Van with my sister last week - and she really surprised me by saying she wouldn't mind seeing it - we're not film goers at all and especially not for book adaptations. Have you seen it and if so, how does it compare? I think it's even harder when it's actually based on a true story.

OK, books I would recommend (some recently read and some old favourites):

A Tale For the Time Being - Ruth Ozeki
The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared - Jonas Jonasson
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen - Paul Torday
Anything by Monica Dickens (esp. No More Meadows)
Anything by Daphne du Maurier (esp. Rebecca)
The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
The Outcast - Sadie Jones (was on DD's extended A level reading list)
The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
The Mistress's Revenge - Tamar Cohen (if you've ever been cheated on)
East of Eden - John Steinbeck
Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
Veronika Decides to Die - Paul Coelho
Mad Girls's Love Song - Sylvia Plath and Life Before Ted (unread - Christmas present but recommended)
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
A Million Little Pieces - James Frey
Anything by E.M. Forster
The Portrait of A Lady - Henry James
Travesties - Tom Stoppard
To The Lighthouse - Virginia Woolf
Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
The Picture of Dorian Grey - Oscar Wilde

You've probably both read loads of these so please feel free to feed back with others ..... I'm always running out of books although happy to re-read old favourites and discovered a new lease of life a couple of years ago when DD bought me a Kindle, something I'd been very snobby about and thought that "no, I simply must turn pages" when the reality is that is makes going on holiday a much lighter experience!

Well, I got though it without drinking, but I was irritated, and quiet, quiet otherwise my irritation would have shown and I just wanted it to be over. I don't think she noticed. We got back, made a fire and I had my presents, which was lovely. DH cooked and then we all watched 'Would I lie to you' and DH and I have just finished an episode of The Bridge. Yesterday was good too, we went to a town in Devon and raked through the antique/junk shops, always a good way for me to spend some time (and money).
Lobster How I GET what you say about loneliness, I too work 3/4 time, just finished a punishing half of a degree and still have 2 children at home, but you're right...it's more subtle than overt loneliness, it's to do, for me with feeling not needed so much, the children are off doing their own thing and not communicating much, a phase I hope, but I always had a particularly close relationship with my youngest (not, I can assure you, a favourite child thing, just an easy, comfortable bond). It would hit me most at the weekend and I drank to make life a bit more interesting. Unfortunately, with some sad fallout. They (DH and the 3 children) could always tell if I had been drinking, no matter how much I thought I could hide it. And I would start early, sometimes in the mornings if I didn't have to get out and drive and just trickle, trickle, trickle, on and on and on, into Sunday, the same pattern again, until I was falling asleep, slurring my words, not remembering what people had said. I was almost welcoming Monday as that would be when abstinence would begin again. (Sometimes, I would not manage abstinence during the week, and for one reason or another, would go and buy a bottle and drink it even on a weekday. I would feel jittery and unwell on Monday, having slept badly and sweated. I can't go back to that.
Thank you for the reading list! I thoroughly recommend The Loney, haunting, menacing and quite beautifully written. Am just starting 'All my Puny Sorrows' recommended by someone. I've just finished The Children Act by Ian McEwen, I didn't enjoy that, a shame as I have liked quite a few of his previously.
Marry, I do hope your DC is feeling better and you don't all catch it...as something of an emetophobe, I DREAD vomiting bugs more than anything else. It's great when they get big enough to get to the loo to be sick and not have to clean it up off the carpets, bedding etc..
Have a good week. I so enjoy catching up with you.

Hi Grammar and marry and indeed anyone else on this thread - hope that everyone is having a good week, albeit a damned freezing one. I have been working from home this week thus far - and I dislike the heating being on all day so have been wrapped up in blankets and two pairs of socks (with a fluffy cat for additional warmth) - working off site tomorrow though so thought that I would update today.

Grammar, like your DH and DCs, my DD can not only tell if I have so much as a single sip but she also knows if I am even considering it!! It's quite unnerving although, according to a close AA friend, it's not uncommon and she says that she can sense the same from AA regulars.

I used to say that there were three versions of "me":

1. The normal, competent, sober me - sometimes a bit hyper-active, sometimes bordering on over-confident which verged on complacency ("I've been x weeks/months/years without a drink so one will be fine");

1. The drunk me - no use for anything although I was what is referred to as a functioning alcoholic - an oxymoron if ever there was one; and

1. The withdrawing me - I had a major seizure with DTs and hallucinations when I stopped for the first time - these started a couple of days after my last drink so I didn't associate it with alcohol at all - and no-one in the hospital made any connection either. Since then it's never been as bad but the withdrawing is always horrible - and it's followed very quickly by remorse, guilt, regret and shame.

There is nothing that alcohol adds to my life and everything that it takes away.

I relate to loneliness - I do sometimes wonder if many alcoholics start out with that empty inner feeling, although mine isn't the same these days either. I remember reading Edgar Allen Poe years and years ago: "From childhood's hour I have not been as others were - I have not seen as others saw" and relating strongly.

Hmmm, I am feeling very upbeat and yet this post sounds a bit introspective and mournful - unintentional!!

Hello ladies! Just popping in to say I hope you're all well. Still very much on the wagon here. I wouldn't have got started without your support. I'm a firm AA'er now and recently qualified for my 60 day chip, although actually it's day 79! It's not easy, I've had some big wobbles but so long as j don't have the first drink I'll be ok. Keep coming back! X

Well done all of you. Am thinking I may need to go down a similar sober route, and you're all inspiring me.