Please help me. I'm an alcoholic

[Marryoneorbecomeone]

Just that really.

I know I have a problem, I'm behaving very badly, and I need to stop.

I drink because I'm bored and lonely in the evenings when the kids are in bed. My marriage is stale but he's a good man and I'm letting him down.

Do I just turn up at an AA meeting?

Good on you OP. And to echo a pp; being sober is totally fricking AWESOME!

If you can get out of the house early evening either to the gym or AA I found that a real godsend. It was going to a dance class three times a week that made me question how I was living my life. That combined with a bereavement due to alcoholism. My gym membership is a quarter of my old wine fees!

Best of luck OP!

marry about the sleeping tablets, i went through this with my doc. maybe my experience might be useful for you?

Mayo clinic sleeping pills was very helpful.

i found mirtazipine a complete bastard for weight gain. I -think- that Amitriptyline can be the same, but not sure. For me personally Trazodone was the way forward. Having said that, everyone responds differently to meds.

The sleep is not perfect though so I have a small store of zopiclone (addictive) and we have an agreement that I take a zopi only if the lack of sleep is building up, so, every 6th or 7th night.

I found both mirtazipine and trazodone have a slight fuzzy effect but the mirtazipine was worse. But really, severe and non-stop insomnia was having a terrible effect on thought too and it became rather clearly a safety issue for the children. So for me, yes, there's a slight clouding of thought but I can't discount the idea that I was making sometimes-dangerous misjudgments from sheer exhaustion, which have stopped now.

I hope the Mayo clinic stuff is helpful. Can you arrange an extended appt with your doctor to talk through the different meds and their effects? or your pharmacist about the meds effects. They can't prescribe but they can tell you the possible side effects then you could ask the doctor to prescribe.

Can't really comment on the drink. The AA does sound an excellent idea.

Hi OP, another recovering alcoholic here. Well done to you for recognising that there is a problem at this stage - I was in denial for years, thinking that because I was able to go for weeks/months (sometimes a year) without having a drink, that I didn't have a problem.

There are AA meetings that I took to at once, and some that had a different "feel". There should (depending on where you live) be several around you. There used to be an emphasis on God, which would have put me off, but these days they refer to a "Higher Power" which can basically be anyone or anything.

You've already taken the first step - admitting that there is a problem. All the very best of luck.

Someone else who got sober through AA. I would like to emphasise what LobsterQuadrille said - all meetings have a different feel. If you don't like the atmosphere/whatever of the first one you attend, don't judge all meetings by that - try others. You'll find one where you are comfortable. And don't be put off by the Higher Power thing; for me (and many others) it was simply the fellowship itself.

The very best of luck.

Marryoneorbecomeone I have just surprised myself with crying with gratitude after opening this thread. (I don't usually cry at my laptop, I promise!) I'm the child of alcoholics, and I wish my parents had the strength and good sense that you clearly do. They never acknowledged a problem, never mind expressed a wish to deal with it.

I wish you every scrap of luck in managing it. Every day that you manage is a gift to your kids as well as yourself - not just now, but when they are grownups, too, and don't have to see (and care for) the ill-health that alcoholism brings with it.

Hi there OP
Sorry to hear you're going through this - do let us know if you'd like us to move this to another topic of MN - or if you're happy for it to remain here in r'ships
kindest to you

Onceameer that Mayo stuff is very useful, thankyou! I'm going to print it and talk to the doc about it.

And thankyou ALL absolutely tons for your encouragement. I thought I'd get a rinsing. I certainly feel like I deserve one.
And I'm astounded and astonished at how many have posted saying they've been to AA. I swear this morning I felt like the only woman on the planet going through this. The shame is crushing.

ArcheryAnnie thankyou so much for your post. Both of my parents were/are drinkers as is one of my siblings. I read once that if you're the child of an alcoholic then you either marry one or become one, presumably because excessive drinking is normalised somehow. Anyway that's where my username has come from.
I'm determined to break the pattern for my children. Best wishes to you x

Olivia I'm happy for it to stay here, if that's ok.

Hi OP another recovering alcoholic here you are not alone
Take what AA offers its the best thing I ever did sober now over 9 years

One of the best things about AA is suddenly realising all your strange and horrible feelings, all the worry and guilt, all the clamouring in your head is actually totally normal - at least normal for alcoholics. I can recognise so much of what you say, and remember those feelings so vividly. I also remember my first meeting and being astonished at all these strangers describing my own state of mind back to me. As other posters have said, you might not get that identification immediately, but once you find it the relief is immense.

I have no idea how it works, but then I don't fully understand how my dishwasher works - I still put my dishes in it and they still come out clean! I'm so much happier these days, I've stopped wondering how it works.

Hello, and well done for making that first step.

I exH is an alcoholic and I think the biggest mistake he made was finding the initial giving up alcohol thing a sign that he didn't really have a problem. He did all the meetings, said all the right things but ultimately he decided he could have just one drink.

Of course he couldn't. Initially I was incredibly proud of his admission and subsequent decision to seek help. It worked for a while but he didn't address many of the other things that were going on.

What helped me was to find out as much about AA as possible and to go to Al-Anon which is the support group for families of alcoholics. It helped me to cope the cycle that followed. Maybe this would help your DH too.

I met loads of AA members over the years and what struck me (particularly of the long termers) was the help and support they offered to newcomers. Many came to our house to talk and give practical help when my DH was detoxing. He has to withdraw gradually from alcohol and had a plan for this agreed with the GP.

It's a long road but much easier with the support of the AA. The CBT will help too; it doesn't have to be one or the other.

My DH went to a meeting every day. He probably doesn't now (we are divorced, I've no idea what he does!) and I think he found this really useful to have that constant support. Of course I was literally left holding the baby during this time and he asked me if I was ok with the amount of time he spent at AA meetings. Frankly I would have enabled to him to go twice a day if it had helped.

I felt very lonely during the whole thing but felt I couldn't share with friends and family as it wasn't my story to tell. This was why Al Anon was so helpful to me.

He had issues sleeping too and tried meditation, acupuncture and things like that. When he first stopped drinking he was advised to replace alcohol with sugary drinks initially to help his body cope with the withdrawal process.

You haven't said how much you drinking. In his case he was drinking all day every day so cold turkey was dangerous. I hope you are aware of this; I wasn't, which is why it's so important that you seek medical advice too.

Good luck at your first meeting. X

I'm determined to break the pattern for my children.

Different causes but Im determined to break the bad patterns from my growing up years too.

Am supporting you, marry. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to.

Just to add to what Llareggub was saying - it can be dangerous to go cold turkey but only if you are physically as well as psychologically dependent on alcohol, and this is actually a pretty small percentage of alcoholics (unfortunately I was one of them). Even George Best said in his autobiography that he'd never suffered full-on Delirium Tremens (DTs) and I thought "oh my God - I'm even worse than George!" - but it's not a case of "worse than" or "drinks more than"; rather, it's something to do with your individual brain/chemical make up. The first time I stopped, I had hallucinations, everything electrical was talking to me, I heard voices, saw ghosts and genuinely thought that I was going insane - it happened after I had been sober for a couple of days so I didn't connect it with alcohol, had not been to AA and, even when I had a seizure and was taken to hospital, no-one made any connection.

This is NOT to scare you because from what you have said above, you are not physically addicted but if you go to your GP and explain, he/she may give you a small amount of Diazepam which prevents DTs in the withdrawal phase. You only need to take two a day for three or four days and you should be clear. Bear in mind that this didn't happen to George Best so is very unlikely to happen to you, but forewarned is forearmed .....

And just to emphasise, at AA you will find so much understanding and support. We all identify with the shame, guilt and remorse. We all like to associate the word "alcoholic" with old unkempt men lying on benches swigging cider but the truth is, this disease doesn't differentiate between sex, race, class - it's completely non-discriminatory. That's why they tell you to look for the similarities, not the differences.

Good luck for your first meeting - hope it all goes well (as I am sure it will - you sound very motivated).

Op - when you go a meeting you will find a total mix of men and women. To echo others - no one other another alcoholic can understand how our thoughts and brains work. I spend most meetings nodding and going, yes, that's me.

AA urges you to listen to the similarities and not the differences. Somethings you may not identify with. Others will really resonate.

I would never rinse anyone who has the courage to admit that it's a problem.

The poster who said that her exh was visited by other alcoholics - yes, we alcoholics do that a lot. It's step 12. I can only keep my sobriety by giving to others what has been given to me.

Hope the meeting goes well.

I'm back. It was terrifying but everyone was very kind and welcoming. I'm still not sure if it's for me, but I think I have to give it a go, one day at a time.

I don't drink every day, I don't drink in the day but on days when I do drink, I drink a bottle of wine and probably a large whisky. Will I get withdrawals? I think the longest I've gone without drinking lately was about 6 days.

Lobster that's made me snort about being worse than George Best!

sober alcoholic here. AA saved my life. I've never been at a meeting where people introduced themselves at the start - you don't have to speak unless you want to.

getting sober is the best thing I ever did. it took until I had lost literally everything to finally quit - don't be me.

it's tough but you can do it.

soberistas.com/

I saw the person that runs this recently at a meeting, and it seemed very useful for mums/women at home who want to meet women in a similar position who have let their drinking spiral. You can look through it for free although there is a small fee I notice for three months, I guess to help run the site. I have not used it myself but the woman that spoke was really inspirational.

Hi Marryone and well done to you - I found my first meeting pretty daunting and had to have a couple of drinks to have the courage to turn up (apparently this is very common). You definitely have to give AA time and to (if at all possible) go to different meetings until you find one that really suits you. It also helps if you have the time to hang around after meetings as that's when people really chat. I don't go to many meetings these days but meet up with a very close friend who joined AA around the same time that I did, and she's as good as an AA meeting.

From the alcohol quantities you give, and the fact that you don 't drink every day, I would say that your chances of withdrawal symptoms are very, very remote. To give you an idea, at my worst I was 24/7 drinking and a lot more than you describe. Even more kudos to you for having recognised that you have the potential to drink more and "alcoholically" down the line and to take action now.

For me the first drink was great - put a lovely rosy glow on life, I felt successful/confident, happy with my life. The second drink increased this a little. but then it was downhill, any more and my evening was wasted, I would fall asleep as soon as I sat in front of the tv, did nothing of consequence, sounded stupid if I spoke on the phone.
I knew this but somehow that first drink was just too tempting to miss.
I read Allen Carr's book on giving up last week and haven't had a drink for 6 nights!!
I'm older and also thought that it was affecting my digestion, and sleep, also can't be doing much for my memory, or skin.
Hope I can keep it up, was torn a bit last night.
But it's quite nice not to have that tug of war every evening, should I, no I must stop, no I shouldn't open a bottle of wine then I'll drink too much, well I'll just have one G&T (which leads to 2), well just a beer then, I'm going out tomorrow so will have just one tonight as I won't be having any tomorrow and on and on...........
I used to get the munchies as the alcohol wore off so with a bit of luck I'll lose some weight too.
I've lived in the US where it is the norm to have One drink only and not to get drunk, they are gobsmacked at how much we drink. So it is partly a societal thing here that you must have a drink to have fun, to unwind, to relax. It's not necessarily true.

So it is partly a societal thing here that you must have a drink to have fun, to unwind, to relax

Noticed that too, living now in the NL. The culture is so very much more restrained.

I drank too much for some years, though less than you marry; bottle of wine a night and mabye sometime more :/ Cut down actually because of the 5:2 diet (could not spare the calories for wine 2 x days) and built on that. Hoping to do dry January, April, June and dry October now and drinking massively less all round. The cork can go back into the bottle.

Feel so much better physically for it. Mentally too, I think.