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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me. I'm an alcoholic

210 replies

Marryoneorbecomeone · 02/12/2015 09:17

Just that really.

I know I have a problem, I'm behaving very badly, and I need to stop.

I drink because I'm bored and lonely in the evenings when the kids are in bed. My marriage is stale but he's a good man and I'm letting him down.

Do I just turn up at an AA meeting?

OP posts:
GashleyCrumbTiny · 03/12/2015 10:00

Hope you made it to the meeting, OP. But don't beat yourself up if you didn't! You're making a start and baby steps are better than no steps. Thinking of you.

BoxofSnails · 03/12/2015 12:52

So glad you made it to a meeting, OP. I'd keep going when you can maybe twice a week or more if you feel strong urges to drink. Use the DRY thread here too. Your husband sounds like a supportive and kind man and I hope he continues to be so. Just a day at a time and think about what you'll do instead. I now have 101 craft projects most of them unfinished but it keeps my hands busy.
I think you try whatever works though - I've read the Allen Carr book and it makes a lot of sense tho I needed more than that to stop me drinking. Like I said, church does it for me - faith, community, acceptance, love. Some people get those from AA. Day 2 - well done.

GashleyCrumbTiny · 03/12/2015 14:04

Duh! Just read previous update, ignore my post above. Well done OP! Keep coming back (as they no doubt said to you!) It's staying stopped that's the difficult and that's what I really need AA for.

ALaughAMinute · 03/12/2015 14:49

My brother was an alcoholic. He died of alcohol related illnesses two years ago.

Keep going OP. Wishing you all the very best. Flowers

spidey66 · 03/12/2015 15:02

IF (and it's a big if) a referral to Social Services happens, they'll be happy to see you are engaging with alcohol services and addressing your difficulties so are much more likely to view you positively.

Removing your child(ren) will always be a last resort.

Also as you're with their father and it would appear he does not misuse alcohol is another point in favour.

mollyonthemove · 03/12/2015 15:12

HI there, I was you just over two years ago, but have stayed sober since October 2013. I didn't go to AA - well I did but a few years before, and it wasn't for me. Many people use it, many don't. You have to do what feels best. What is certain though, is that you CAN do it!! I look back at my DRY posts form 2 years ago and think wow! I have managed to come this far. It is sooo worth it. Your life really will change. Online support is wonderful and your husband sounds fantastic. Just take it slowly and soon you'll be wondering why you drank. Flowers

Original poster
Marryoneorbecomeone · 04/12/2015 07:02

Thankyou all, for your support. It's Friday morning. Last night I started to implement some changes in what's become normal. I managed to get out for a walk alone, just me and my iPod and got some headspace. Ordinarily, if my husband goes out (which he did last night) I'd have settled down with the tv and some wine. Instead I changed the sheets, put on a new electric blanket, and had a herbal Nytol and some camomile tea. Part of my drinking was a fear of insomnia, so I really wanted it to work and for me to get to sleep easily. It eventually did work and I slept from 11:30 to just now!Grin

My husband is being supportive in so far as he's said he's happy for there to be no booze in the house, but also in his mind doesn't think I'm an alcoholic, just someone who has a little bit of a drink problem. As he said yesterday, he can't see how it works if I go away with my girlfriends etc. I thought for a while that I agreed with him and maybe I could have those times "off" but then I remembered I went away with them twice when I was pregnant and didn't touch a drop and it was fine.

I'm oscillating from fear to elation. Fear that I really AM an alcoholic to elation that even if I am, I'm starting to do something about it and that I don't ever have to feel that dreadful sadness and paranoia that comes after drinking, ever again.

OP posts:
donajimena · 04/12/2015 07:06

If it helps you don't have to define yourself as anything. I don't call myself an alcoholic
I'm just dona who can't stop drinking once she starts so I choose not to drink!

Original poster
Marryoneorbecomeone · 04/12/2015 07:09

But they make you say it at AA don't they? I think that's what's thrown me. And maybe it's fair enough - if I let myself think that "it's just a little problem that's got a bit out of hand" then I might let myself see how bad it is and drink! Oooo I dunno!!!!

OP posts:
rosie1959 · 04/12/2015 07:14

AA will never make you say or do anything

mollyonthemove · 04/12/2015 07:16

I didn't want to say the 'I'm an alcoholic' bit in the aa groups I went to originally but they did tell me I should.

rosie1959 · 04/12/2015 07:30

Been in AA quite a long time and it really is up to you what if anything you say
Being an alcoholic is not how much you drink when or how often you drink but how it makes you feel
You have nothing to loose by going for a while to help you with how ever alcohol effects you
There's nothing terrible in not drinking for a while and seeing if things improve

K1mberl1 · 04/12/2015 07:36

Well done OP

Please keep going to AA and try another group as well to see if you like their meetings better

exWifebeginsat40 · 04/12/2015 14:31

I have never been expected to speak at a meeting. some people go for years and never say a word!

Bluebelle38 · 04/12/2015 15:09

Hi there

Your thread struck a chord with me. I found myself in your position 4 years ago. I bought a book called Rational Recovery, read it and I haven't had a drink since. I could easy polish a bottle and a half of wine a night before that and I had drank heavily for 2O years. Thankfully the worst that ever happened to me was blackouts and a broken foot. It could have been so much worse.

You can do it. I have turned my life around in the last 4 years. Got rid of destructive friends, found a gorgeous man and have a book being published next year!! I quit smoking six months later, too.

You can do this!!! Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Marryoneorbecomeone · 04/12/2015 17:35

Thankyou!

Bluebells38 can you tell me the ways in which life is better? I know I must do this but it's so daunting! Booze is everywhere and I live the first two glasses!

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 04/12/2015 18:01

OP initially you may need to skip the girls nights out until you feel you have control over your drinking and that you'll be able to sit and drink soft drinks and not feel bad.

Would you be able to let your friends know why you weren't drinking? I wonder if you did that whether they would agree to turn girls nights from "let's get drunk" into something more activity-focussed like bowling or something?

I stopped drinking in May this year, not because I was out of control but because I was having surgery, and have been advised not to drink until a year after the op. I wasn't a big drinker, but did have a glass of wine most nights. Being sober has really made me realise how much our socialising in the UK revolves around drinking. I now only go out in the evenings if it's some kind of activity - a meal out, a gig, a pub quiz, etc. If it's just "let's go out drinking", erm, no thanks - being the only sober one when everyone else is drunk and thinks they're being hilarious is SO boring.

Bluebelle38 · 04/12/2015 18:08

Hi there, well, it is better in quite a few ways. Firstly I don't have the horrors anymore. That feeling of dread over what I said/did the night before. I used to punish myself so much over them. I hated myself for it.

My head became permanently clear and I realised without that fuzzy wine head on me that I made better choices. I enrolled in a counselling degree, something I always thought I was too old to do (go back to college). I graduate next year!

I rid myself of toxic friendships. When sober I wanted better people in my life.

I saved a bloody fortune and stopped panicking over my health, which had depressed me (would often panic I would get liver disease or lung cancer from smoking).

I'm sure there is more... Just all in all I really love myself now. I look after myself and want the best for myself. My life is also a lot simpler without all the drama that comes from being pissed.Xmas Wink

mollyonthemove · 04/12/2015 19:21

Better in so many ways I have to agree. I no longer kick off at the slightest thing, waking up is a joy , remembering everything has it's moments ;-) but is on the whole mush better! Everyone actually seems to like me now rather than tolerating the kuch in the corner. It is really hard at times, as you say with booze everywhere but always remember to play the tape to the end - remember where the one drink can lead you. ☕

ditherydora · 04/12/2015 21:13

Well done on attending the meeting!

I too have trouble sleeping. The best advice, from my counsellor was to listen to a sleep meditation.

I now listen to this one on my phone (with headphones) any time I can't sleep and it's never failed me!

Original poster
Marryoneorbecomeone · 05/12/2015 08:57

Thankyou I'll defo try that tonight. I had herbal tea and herbal sleep stuff and it was about 11:30 when I finally nodded off.

Day 4 and this is probably the first sober Saturday morning I've had in years. And it's ok!Grin

OP posts:
OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 05/12/2015 20:36

congras, marry :) keep going!

pointythings · 05/12/2015 20:40

Marry alcohol messes with normal sleep patterns, and it will take time for your body to adjust. But in time, you will have a quality of sleep that is so much better you won't believe it.

I have not given up alcohol entirely, but as of early June this year I no longer drink on weekdays and I drink far, far less at weekends. I'm lucky in that I was not physically or psychologically dependent - I was afraid I was so did a dry June, but I found it easy and enjoyable to do. I may have stopped things before they got to a dangerous level. I'll never know, because I have no intention of going back there.

But the benefits have been huge. Better sleep so more energy. No more alcohol-fuelled late night munchies, resulting in a 15 kilo weight loss so far - I have dropped almost two dress sizes. I'm more active because I have more energy, so that has helped the weight loss. Skin is better, hair is better, hot flushes are greatly reduced. I find eating healthier is easier too because I no longer crave quick fix junk. It's been amazing. I hope it will be even more amazing for you.

K1mberl1 · 06/12/2015 11:28

Lovely positive posts from those who have improved their lives

Flowers to all of you

exWifebeginsat40 · 06/12/2015 11:50

to be honest my life couldn't have got much worse. I was drinking 24 hours a day. I had to leave my job before I was fired as I was turning up drunk. at the end of my career I had vodka cranberry in a juice bottle on my desk. I drank and drove. once the job had gone, the gloves were off. my daughter went to live with her dad. my prick ex-husband was shagging someone else. I had to move out of my beautiful house to a 1 bed flat in a terrible area.

in the end it very nearly killed me. I had such bad withdrawals every time I drank, because I drank to blackout every time.

I live alone now, apart from my cats. my daughter comes to stay every weekend and we are close again. my partner is amazing - we don't live together and I don't know that I will ever want to. I'm on benefits due to long-standing mental illness.

I'm 20 months sober and I wouldn't change it for the world. my meds have a chance to work now.

I'm a child of alcoholics. I drank regularly from the age of 9. booze was in the very fabric of me and I don't miss it one bit.

stick with it OP. concentrate on putting your head on the pillow sober at night. the rewards for the hard work are immeasurable.

be well.