My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

I was thinking the exact same thing bacon

Yep. Spot on Baconyum.

I also think the reason the OP hasn't been back is because she's busy cutting up his pears for him and wiping his arse.

OP what exactly is your son doing?

He nothing short of a dead beat dad and you are enabling him.

Stop putting all the blame on this poor girl....you need to take a long hard look at yourself and your attitude.

He needs to get a job (and yes he could still go to university and work part time) and he needs to grow the hell up!

He is very lucky he did not get In trouble with the police as she was under age! They are both still very young and will need the support from both sets of grandparents to help give the baby a great start in life. This girl is going to be in your life for ever if you want a relationship with the baby.

I can see that you feel like this relationship/girl is the reason that your son is now losing track of the "bright future" he could have had but the reality is, he has fathered a child and that baby is far more important than whatever path he WAS on. This is his new path and you all need to get on board with it! Good luck.

Wait this was real?

Wowzers I saw it mentioned elsewhere and thought it was an exaggeration

What has he been doing in the year of so since his A levels?

Resits? University applications?

Because I could have some agreement with the idea that he was capable of getting a good degree if he was actually doing something about even starting one.

And, just as she is juggling education with raising a child, he can juggle education with something (anything) that earns a bit of money to support his child.

Am incredulous that this thread is still running, for the reason that i personally don't believe a word of it, but that if its true the OP has been dragged across the coals and probably deserves it Are MNHQ asleep?

oh, so they were awake - its real? christ, that poor young girl

This thread has just left me open mouthed. I feel so so sorry for the girl. You sound like a bloody nightmare OP. You are determined to place the blame of this whole situation squarely at the feet of the girl (who was 15!).

Your son is responsible for this situation whether you like it or not. So you really think this girl knew what was happening with her periods? If you'd have taught him about contraception properly, rather than just don't have sex before marriage (wtf?), then maybe he would have thought, oh hang on I should probably use a condom regardless of what she told him. It is his responsibility too!

And now you think he should just bugger off to university. It's not just some child, this is his son and you both need to man the fuck up, stop blaming the girl and accept that this is his fault too.

I wouldn't want my baby left in a house with that many cats and dogs either, she is fully within her right to refuse to do this and you need to respect her decision.

I am so glad you are not my MIL. You are absolutely blind to your son's faults here. Try reading some of the replies on here and actually listen to them instead of just making excuses for your golden boy.

It's understandable that you're worried. It's a lot of responsibility and stress to be juggling at a young age - but you need to remember that your son is equally responsible for the baby. It's human nature to want to blame other people rather than ourselves or our own little darlings. You are blaming her for the disruption to your son's education. No doubt her parents are blaming you and your son for disrupting their daughter's education. The truth is neither of them is to blame - they just made a mistake by (presumably) not using contraception. Plenty of supposedly responsible adults make that mistake too. Such is life.

It's now up to you to provide as much support to BOTH of them as you can. If you make a proper effort to get on better with your son's girlfriend that will benefit your son too. Being at odds with her isn't helping him. Do you think maybe some of your son's stress comes from having to deal with your attitude to the situation? Does he find himself trying to keep the peace between you and his girlfriend? Does he feel caught between the two of you and trying to please/pacify both sides? He has a lot to juggle right now, he doesn't need that on top of everything else.

Try and think of the positives - many young people turn out to be great parents. It might actually be good for him. It will certainly focus his priorities and help him deal with responsibility. If he is immature for his age being a dad will help him grow up. You don't know how his university career might have gone if this hadn't happened - he could have got to Oxford and completely fallen apart in a sea of booze and partying for all you know.

And please do not under any circumstances leave a baby sleeping in a room with a bunch of animals. It doesn't matter how gentle you think they are. Even the gentlest animal can be a danger to a baby, sometimes even unintentionally. Animals don't always know their own strength. They could injure or kill the baby without even meaning to. Sorry, but your son's girlfriend is 100% right about that and is just being a responsible mother.

Would someone mind dropping Zombie a PM if the OP bothers to come back?

Ta muchly.

I have to say I think this is the first time on Mumsnet I've seen a thread where 100% of the replies are all basically saying the same thing.

Even with the most black and white situations, you generally get one or two sock puppets posters going the other way, sometimes seemingly just to be contrary.

In this one, MN seems united. So, err, well done OP, I guess?

I don't have much to add to this as everyone else has said what I've been thinking, however I will say that perhaps the GF's parents are so cold towards your DS not only because of the situation and trying to make sure DGC2 is not conceived but perhaps it's because he is doing absolutely nothing in order to provide for his child. I think I'd be pretty pissed off too if I were them because I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that as well as taking care of the baby whilst his mother is at school or God forbid she has a break but they'll be supporting financially too. There is nothing stopping your DS from getting a part time job whilst studying. I did it AND took care of a toddler. It's about time he got off his arse and started providing for his child and you should definitely stop making excuses for him.

What is a reverse?

A reverse is where the op has written from one viewpoint, in this instance the grandmother from hell but is actually the young girl.

utterlyclueless Yes it's illegal. I didn't say it wasn't. I'm saying in the circumstances given there is no evidence of sexual exploitation or coercition and the Police would really not be interested. What purpose does it serve prosecuting consenting teenagers??

Again Obsidian has got it entirely correct.

The OP won't be back but I do hope she takes the time to read these responses and takes a good look at herself and her parenting.

A few pages back the OP said her son was on benefits whilst he decided what he wanted to do. What I can't get my head around is why he not spending all day parenting whilst his girlfriend is furthering her education. Otherwise it means his girlfriend's mother is either already retired or unable to work because she is caring for a grandchild. This is whilst supporting her daughter and, therefore, presumably her grandson because child maintenance isn't being paid and her daughter isn't earning. This is all acceptable when one of the child's parents is doing nothing during the daytime!

You OK Zombie?

As I said the job centre doesn't put up with people on benefits while they ponder their future. It surely won't be long until he has to make more of an effort to find work.

So he could have been parenting for 18months, but hasn't been.
He could have been working for 18m, but hasn't been.

He's a lazy little sod isn't he?

You are prepared to throw money away setting him up in a business, but you're not prepared to allow him and his gf to go off for a coffee without baby, so they can discuss their future together.

Your son sounds like he wants things that you don't, but he's too scared to tell you. And you won't even let him have time off for a coffee with the mother of his child (because he's been a very naughty boy and must be punished?). I think the real reason you don't want them going off for a coffee is so they can't plot together to do something with their lives that you don't approve of.

Baby though he is, I am beginning to feel a bit sorry for your ds. As for his gf, she would be wise to keep well away from him and his whole family. I suspect her parents have already come to that conclusion.

Ohhhhhh op.

In a few years, when they are older, living together, stable, happy. You're going to have really shown yourself up one way or another. Your true hatred for this girl will of shone through, she will not tolerate it, your son will not tolerate it.

You will wonder why they don't visit. Why he has chosen her over you. That it's all her fault she has stolen your blue eyed boy.

It not. It's all you.

Zombie is fine, maras