My sons girlfriend is a problem!!!!!

[worriedgran57]

This is my first time on mumsnet so I hope I am doing it properly!! Hope you don't mind a gran asking for advice!

My son is with a girlfriend who is 17. She fell pregnant right before she was 16!! They had only been together 6 months. My son was just finishing his A levels and it was a very worrying time. He is a very smart boy, his IQ is very high and we were hoping he would go to Oxford or Cambridge.

He didn't do well in his exams. Studying went to pot, because he was of course so worried about his girlfriend!

Now I know she is still young, but she is very manipulative. She told my son she had problems with her period, so he thought she couldn't get pregnant...clearly that wasn't the case!

Since the baby (a little boy) came along, my son has had to resit some exams. He has been so stressed at the behaviour of this girl. She seems to want him to get a job, but in the long run going to university would be a better option. I told him that he needn't think he will be playing happy families with his girldfriend and the baby because he has his education to think of....he is only a boy. They are both too young to set up home together!

I also have a 14 year old daughter and I don't think this girl is a good influence....she used to go out with her friends a lot before the baby was born,sometimes not coming home until 11pm at night....she invited my daughter out a few times but I didn't allow her...it's not so much the girl herself, it's her friends I am worried about!

This girl has been allowed to do whatever she wants...taking the train to the city for the day. staying out, going on holiday with people her parents barely know....

She isn't a bad mother but she is careless...last month she took the baby out a 2 mile walk in the pram with only a coat and a thin blanket on. She takes him miles away on the bus, he sleeps in her bed....I know they are just little things but he has no routine or stability in my opinion

She is rude about our house...we have 6 cats and 3 dogs and she told my son she didn't want to let the baby sleep in his cot in the living room because she felt he was unsafe near the animals! My animals would never hurt anyone, they are rescues and very gentle and timid....she thinks our house is dirty. OK it might smell a bit catty but it is not dirty! She also refused to sit in the living room with the baby when my husband was watching TV, she said the show was too violent...

I don't feel comfortable in my own home when she visits with the baby, I have got into the habit of taking my daughter out and going to do the weekly shop when she comes round on a Saturday.

I try to be involved with my grandson but she makes it awkward. First she doesn't let him sleep in our living room, but then she suggests going for a coffee with my son, and wants me to babysit??? I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

I just don't know what to do...I wish my son wasn't in this position. He is still very immature for his age. I think it's all too much for him to cope with. When his girlfriend was pregnant, I asked the school to let all his teachers know the situation, so they would be aware of the stress he was under when he was doing his exams/...but they said they couldnt because the girl was at the same school and she was their priority....I feel like my son has been overlooked from day one, but he needed just as much help!

Where do we go next?

I don't think the OP is coming back. What a shame, as I was making a list of all the things she did that I needed to make sure I didn't do when bringing up children!

I agree with so many comments already on this thread but am most interested in hearing the OP's answer to this one:

*OP, you say you have a teenaged daughter.

Just think for a minute, what if your DD found herself in the situation your son's GF is in. What if an older boy got her pregnant when she was 15, then she had the baby and the boy barely spent time with them and spent over a year arsing around deciding what to do with his life. Would you be thinking that he was a poor, naive boy who was in need of love or support or would you think he was a workshy twat who needed to pull his finger out and step up to his responsibilities?

Your honest answer is...?*

OP, your son is an adult and a father. Stop being so controlling and start letting him live his life. Otherwise your grandson will end up without his father in his life and your son is going to constantly be a mummy's boy whose relationships are micromanaged and will, therefore, inevitably all end.

OP has a similar attitude to my exMIL and I now have an injunction against her and her son. They will never be in my child's life so tread carefully worried(not-so-much-of-a)gran

If this is real I'll eat my own duvet.

But OP butt out. If you were my Gran I'd be telling you to fuck right off.

It may or may not be real but I know a few people that think like this.

I've not known it end well.

The question is, how long will the OP blame the mother of her grandchild for ruining her son's life? How long is it okay for the son to be upset before he pulls himself together and makes something of his life whether for himself or his child?

OP is the type of person the MIL threads are about!

I do wonder how many of the posters here would be so willing to call their son a man if he found himself in this position?

I have a feeling a lot of them would become 'a silly lad'.

As I said, mine is nearly nine so this is still theory for me. On the other hand, I cannot see me calling him a silly lad. I can see me insisting on him stepping up or else.

I would be devastated, hand on heart. I would be so worried about the future of him and his girlfriend. When no-one could hear me I might say some things that I would really regret saying in public, but it is the child that needs to be considered before the adults and near adults. The best way to look after the child is to have supportive family, both parents appropriately involved and for the grandparents to get over themselves.

I'm not saying I would be perfect, but I would do my best. I may end up deserving a MIL thread one day, but I would try and do the right thing.

I think if you start from the baseline of loving someone and trying to do what will get the best deal for them then I think it's a good start.

Sansoora - to be brutally honest, if my DS grows up to be like the OP's son, I'd not call him a man. I'd call him a stupid little boy, who deserves a kick up his own backside... whilst feeling so very ashamed that I had helped raise him to be like that, I'd not be so keen for all and sundry to know about it.

My DS is 11. We've already had the safe sex conversation. Had it when he was in Yr 2, actually (age appropriate, obviously - but his Dad and I aren't together anymore, and there are younger siblings on his paternal line. He asked how babies were made, and rather than being stupid enough to assume that he'll never be hormone/lust led... told him how to protect himself/others! His Dad then did exactly the same, but from a male perspective!).

Then again, my 11 year old son is already more than aware of consequences for the choices which he makes - as a child. So, whilst I am aware accidents happen, I'd like to hope that both of my children would be conscious that they have a responsibility towards dealing with the choices they have made/will make and any consequences which may/may not arise from them.

It's called personal responsibility, OP. It's the best lesson you can teach all of your children. Because I'm willing to bet that your older DS has made a few choices in the past... which you don't know about!

There is so much blame here and so little understanding.

Teenagers will always have sex and mistakes will always happen. High sex drive and high risk tolerance will see to that. It is the nature of being a teen.

They both need some support now. I must admit your son's gf does sound quite sensible to avoid the 9 animal scenario, which does sound both unhygienic and not 100% safe for the baby.

If your son really is that smart, of course he should go to Uni. He should get whatever grants and support he can and you should support him as much as possible. Why are so many keen to condemn him to a substandard career forever, if he could achieve a good degree and properly support his family.

As for babysitting, do as much or as little as you see fit. Ultimately, their baby is their responsibility but you could be compassionate and allow them some child free time. I have read lots of articles and the press (and positive stories on here) where people have had children young and been fantastic successful parents.

Condemning her or him is a little pointless now. The Genie is well and truly out of the bottle, so to speak...

I told my son that we aren't there to babysit just so they can have fun.That is not what being a parent is about!

Guess what OP.
I got my mother to babysit my kids last night- so my husband and myself could go out for a pretty damn good curry. Yes, we had fun. It was actually quite nice to be in a restaurant without at least one little person needing the toilet or fresh cutlery 'cos theirs is now on the floor

Anyway, I digress.

Being a parent can be shit at times, especially being a parent to an under 1. And if you're a young mother who has had their whole life turned upside down because he didnt stick a rubber on it then maybe, just maybe they are entitled to 'have fun' once in a while. Call it respite, call it still being a teenager, call it what you want, but why the fuck should every waking hour of this girl's life be solely and 100% devoted to her child?

This girl needs a medal, not a bollocking. Do you actually want a relationship with your granddaughter?

I had typed out a long post in response to the many, many issues with the ops stance.

But I give up. I think there is no point, I don't think anything anyone says will help her see how her take on this is unfair (going as far as to apportion some blame on the girl's parents?? wow! Complaining that she doesn't get to spend time with the child but refusing to babysit because 'that's not what parenting is'? ooookay then!)

Op, start trying to see things from someone else's perspective. Anyone else's perspective. Her's, her parent's, his.

Things haven't worked out as you had hoped. Stop swelling on what could have been and support your son in making mature decisions. Decisions that are the right thing for him, his child and the child that he impregnated. He has responsibilities now. Things have changed. University is still a possibility - but maybe it should wait till they can both go together and both share responsibility for the child.

It's not the end of the world, but HE is responsible for what happened. No matter how much you want to blame everyone else.

Sansoora if my son (will never happen - severely autistic) ever turned out like the ops son I would be ashamed and feel like a failure as a parent. He would be like his father..

I got pregnant at 16 to someone I really loved. He was a total mummys boy and wimp too. He ran,came back,ran,came back. Left everything to me,never looked after our son. Ended up being in 13 years he never looked after or spent any time alone with our son,then he ran off permanently with someone else.

He never bonded with our son,only part of that is to do with his autism,the rest is down to him being a total bastard and having an awful mother. He totally took on her stance that it was all my fault, I allegedly led him astray (he's the one who asked me to go to his room to turn the tv off,he had fully planned the 'event'),he's the one who done nothing and the one who now masks his self employed income from the csa..

That's the kind of thing that happens with guys like this and their mothers!

My brother was 16 and slept with his 15 year old girlfriend - same year at school few months age difference my mum and dad had murder with him over it simply because she wasn't 15 she never 'fell' pregnant etc but my parents were not happy at all and I would be the same as my parents.

Although I understand everyone parents differently.

I think the fact that the OP hasn't mentioned her son actually resitting his exams and getting good grades speaks volumes. Either he hasn't bothered yet, or his grades were still crap. Possibly not just "not Oxbridge" material, but not university material at all... but far better to blame it on the stress caused by this young couples poor decisions.

contrary yep. I'd put money on it too....

Aside from the 'she can't get preggers with dodgy periods' crap, what the heck did you tell him about protecting himself from STDs?

Admit it OP, you are mad with yourslf. YOU didn't do a great job of parenting YOUR son. HER parents on the other hand appear to have stepped up to being what they need to be - supportive grandparents. They probably would not have planned it this way, but they have faced the reality of the hand they have been dealt and got on with it. You appear to be full of self pity over a year later!! GROW UP!! and tell your son to grow up too! What exactly does your precious oh so clever son do all day? Not in a job. Not in education, not caring for his child??

I don't care if this gets deleted.

Your appalling parenting has contributed more than a little to this situation.

Not only am I sorry for your children I'm genuinely worried for them as neither you not your husband seem willing to accept responsibility for how they turn out.

Your son sounds like a lazy entitled waste of space (again mainly due to your parenting) and his gf sounds like an unlucky victim of your family ethos who is doing a bloody great job of raising YOUR grandchild!

Imo if your son won't get a job (it doesn't matter what he WANTS to do) an apprenticeship or an education inc working until a Uni place available you should paying child maintenance.

I can't help but think if this became law parents of teenage boys who think like you (and there's too bloody many if them!) would miraculously all of a sudden no matter how 'awkward' ensure their boys had a realistic proper and practical sex education! Bet the teen pregnancy rates would drop then!!

If the OP can afford to offer her son money to start a business she can afford to contribute child maintenance.

I don't want to alienate them, but I do have other children to think about and I worry about the effect on the whole family too!
This says it all, I feel very sorry for the girl, it's hardly surprising they are cold towards OP, I wouldn't want her anywhere near my GNs.
You'd think she was talking about a disease not a baby.
I'd be horrified if it had been my DS and trying to help out as much as possible.

You're definitely the MIL from hell material OP.

GNs ? Dgs you bl.... iPad!

Not come back OP?

Sorry, but it's laughable and indefensible that, as someone above said, your ds has sat at home for over a year doing absolutely nothing, while his gf has had a baby and gone back to school, and does all the caring without his help and also presumably without any financial input. He only visits his baby on weekends??! Why? Because he's too busy on his XBox from Monday to Friday?

he doesn't sound like Cambridge material! If he's depressed about the whole situation (which is pretty much his only excuse for behaving so badly) take him to get counselling. But he's going to have to do something at some point. You can't baby him forever. And if you resent his gf now, how much will you resent her once she has her education and a decent job, while deadbeat is still festering on your sofa? Kick his arse into gear now.

They've made a child. That child now comes first. Not your son.

He didn't really believe she couldn't get pregnant. That was just his excuse. Same as it's his excuse for low A level grades. Same as it is now his excuse for not going to uni or getting a job (most people do both now).

The little 13 month old will no doubt always be his excuse, unless you stop enabling this and tell him straight.

Stop 'protecting' him from a younger girl and a little baby. All teenagers these days know about sex and conception. They've been learning about it since primary school because some parents (yourself included by your own admission) don't bother teaching them about it. So he knew he was taking a gamble when he had sex with her. Tough.

Now he has to man up and you need to make your house more baby friendly.

I presume he is paying maintenance, seeing as he is now 19? Or has he joined the ranks of all the feckless fathers out there who find excuse after excuse to blame the controlling mothers of their children because they can't be arsed to work and put their short arms into their long pockets and pay for the children they created?

Take a reality check and think about this from the girl's point of view. She is a young mother, with a young child and a father who won't help her and his grandmothe rwho blames her for it all.

Anyone else thinking the person who suggested she post here was also horrified at the way op and her son are treating this poor young mum and her child?