How do I work out the problem?

[Crackerjack9]

Hello, NC for this one.

I'm 35, I've been married for 10 years and have three children - one toddler and two in KS1.

The marriage has never been great, although before we got married it was great and on a basic level we've always adored each other, while both having issues we needed to work through.

We hit a very rough time just over 4 years ago, when DH left for 3 months and was seeing another woman.

Since then we've muddled along, pretty much ok, but now things are bad again. I am walking on eggshells constantly, and DH says he is also, although to me it feels as though he is angry with me all the time, and I feel like I am trying to avoid confrontation, though he sees me as constantly picking at him.

We both want to make things work, but I am at a bit of a loss because I genuinely don't know if I am the problem. I get told I am. I can see some things I do that aren't good, and I see my parents do the same things so I believe I do them. DH has told me I'm not a normal person and can't have a proper relationship, and I think it may be true. But I don't think that's the whole story.

It's a big mess. Relate is out as, while we don't qualify for reduced costs, for various reasons we genuinely can't afford it. In any case, we went years ago and didn't find it helpful.

How can we start to pick through the mess?

Thanks for any help.

I did tell them, I think it might be possible. He doesn't earn much. He says he wants to help his kids by staying here not in a relationship until we sell the house. This is the man who an hour ago told me I was an unfit parent and suggested one solution to our difficulties would be for me to commit suicide. And is now trying to take the moral high ground. I am at the end of my rope, know I need to tread so carefully but I feel so, so tired.

I'm shocked at that comment. His behaviour is appalling. You need to get yourself and your children away from this man ASAP.

Please, please, please call Women's Aid. They will be able to help with everything.

Thanks, I will call them tonight as he is going out. If they aren't there, he's out tomorrow so will do it then.

Great, hope you can speak to someone tonight.

How are you, OP? Did you manage to call Women's Aid?

Thanks for asking. No. I thought he was leaving. He's still here. I actually think he's delusional, I'm so tired. I got him to take an anti depressant earlier. I am clinging on to the hope that he will Take them for a few days and stop being delusional. That has happened before. Can't type much now sorry xxx

I am safe and well though x

Thanks for posting, I'm glad you're safe and well. Take care of yourself. We'll be here if you want to post again another time.

I'm not sure. You sound very hard work with poor emotional and coping skills. What do you think it's like from his perspective? You sound avoidant which can be really annoying for the other partner.

Sorry didn't read all.

RTFT Enough. Read the FUCKING thread. Especially before you criticise the OP.

Enough, you're right. But for years I've taken responsibility for all our problems and I just don't believe that's the case any more. He's started getting randomly very angry at others, and very paranoid, which last happened to this point about four years ago and is extremely difficult to respond to. Hence the anti depressants which helped last time.

OP, Enough isn't right. Enough hasn't even read the fucking thread.

There are no anti depressants or pills which can fix an abusive man.

Glad you have updated OP but please speak to Women's Aid as soon as you can. I am worried for you with that horrible, horrible man in the house. To suggest any family would benefit from a parent killing themselves is awful and shows how vile he really is. If he threatens you just call 999 right away.