How do I work out the problem?

[Crackerjack9]

Hello, NC for this one.

I'm 35, I've been married for 10 years and have three children - one toddler and two in KS1.

The marriage has never been great, although before we got married it was great and on a basic level we've always adored each other, while both having issues we needed to work through.

We hit a very rough time just over 4 years ago, when DH left for 3 months and was seeing another woman.

Since then we've muddled along, pretty much ok, but now things are bad again. I am walking on eggshells constantly, and DH says he is also, although to me it feels as though he is angry with me all the time, and I feel like I am trying to avoid confrontation, though he sees me as constantly picking at him.

We both want to make things work, but I am at a bit of a loss because I genuinely don't know if I am the problem. I get told I am. I can see some things I do that aren't good, and I see my parents do the same things so I believe I do them. DH has told me I'm not a normal person and can't have a proper relationship, and I think it may be true. But I don't think that's the whole story.

It's a big mess. Relate is out as, while we don't qualify for reduced costs, for various reasons we genuinely can't afford it. In any case, we went years ago and didn't find it helpful.

How can we start to pick through the mess?

Thanks for any help.

RunRabbit -Love this !!!!
If you stick the stick where the sun don't shine, the headaches disappear !
Easier said than done, early days for me. But I'm learning everyday now the fog has gone.

Yes cracker it gets to a point where you don't bother to confront or say anything as you know you will be shot down or accused of something. The ex and I had always got on okay until he started to really distrust. When we first started seeing each other he would phone me and question my whereabouts. Anything I did out of my usual routine (Im a creature of habit) was doubted. I thought he was just being concerned but perhaps not. In his leaving speech he said he would probably never trust again. My fault.

Practically attempt the counselling thing. One last attempt. Wish my ex had agreed.

No joint counselling, thats important to remember.
Abusers just learn how to use it to their advantage and often use it as an attempt to get the counsellor onside to blame you.
Marriage counselling comes from the approach that its a 50:50 situation and that both partners equally want to fix it but have a communication problem. That is not the case here, you have an abuse problem. You sound as if, with a reasonable person, you have a perfectly good communication method. Its just that your abuser isnt interested in your opinion or input, HE is right and YOU are wrong.
You could call women's aid to get some advice about how to move forward, you could make sure you gather up any relevant important documents, get photocopies of all financial stuff, get passports, birth certificates out of the house and somewhere safe.
make sure you delete your browsing history.
see if you can access some independant counselling
Have you access to money? anywhere you can go if need be?

Can you take the opportunity whilst he is out or you are to ring Women's Aid?
Otherwise - a counsellor for yourself (joint counselling would be disastrous with this man) to help you to come to your own decision. We can tell you that we think you should leave but you need to own that and plan for it.
Ensure your Internet history can't be seen by him.

Couples counselling cannot help an abusive relationship, ever. Please don't bother with that. What are your finances like? Who works? Can you afford a lawyer?

We have tried Relate years ago and it was horrendous. Our finances aren't good, mainly due to an inability to communicate effectively about finances...go figure.

I have a lot more support than he does since this is my country and not his. Another sore issue.

I'm still not convinced that he isn't a kind person who just has a poor style of arguing. I know that's silly. I can't even get through a couple of hours without pissing him off.

he is not a kind person. The mental step of realising that this is abuse is a huge one, and probably the most difficult.

He's not kind. Not at all.

Does it still class as abuse if he's not aware of it?

I am going through the morning and realising he is angry with almost every single thing I do (he's working at home again), and for the first time in about 9 years I am thinking that just because he isn't pleased with something I do, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN I AM WRONG. It's bizarre and feels good.

Yes, it's still abuse
The behaviour, the belief system and the impact on the victim are what define abuse. The perpetrator's motivation is not what defines it.
Lots of abusers had horrible childhoods and are extremely damaged people through no fault of their own. A rapist may have been sexually abused. A controller may have been abandoned. It doesn't matter. That's the perpetrator's stuff to deal with and does not excuse abusing a partner. If a person has issues that lead them to abuse another person it's their responsibility to stay away from relationships which trigger their abusive patterns

Can you access the Freedom Programme online where you are?

Thai might be a good start x

He will have been shaped by his past to believe this is ok and like you say, is unlikely to have emotional empathy and realise he's doing it.
It's still abuse. Few can accept the above which is why few are able to 'recover'.

He KNOWS exactly what he is doing!
The scales are falling very slowly from your eyes.
You will get there but it will take time.
Hopefully you will get that 'light bulb' moment rather it taking too long.
Please read and re-read this thread - over and over until it sinks in.
He is a nasty abusive prick - that's all you need to know.

He is emotionally abusive. If you're still in doubt please read these signs of emotional abuse and see how many ring true.

Please, please get some counselling for yourself (not joint counselling). You could ask your GP and/or call Women's Aid. I think this will be really important for you to process things and decide what you want to do next.

Also read the Lundy Bancroft book that PPs have recommended.

It's not you, OP. It's him.

Hmm Emma...20/30. What does that mean? Xxx

Well to contrast, Cracker, my boyfriend shows 0/30 of those behaviours. I'm not saying our relationship is perfect, nothing is perfect! If someone did 20/30 of those behaviours to me I would not be in a relationship with them.

I agree looking for support for yourself in the form of counselling and/or the freedom course seems like a good idea. You need to process things and work out what you want to do next. I believe you can access the freedom course online.

God. Thanks xxx

yup, just been through the list. My OH also scores a big 0

Not that he is perfect. As neither am I, by any means. But still a zero on those behaviours

My ex would score about a 7, possibly 8. My ex would probably say I fit the majority of those. The cycle of self blame.

"Hmm Emma...20/30. What does that mean?"

That means he is absolutely, definitely emotionally abusive. And you should follow my advice and the advice of others on this thread.

I'm glad you're beginning to recognise the abuse. Although it must be difficult to come to terms with, it's the first step towards you feeling so much happier.

Ok. I'm sure he could accuse me of some of those behaviours also. Does, in fact. For example, he accuses me of criticising him constantly. In some cases, he's right. I can be passive aggressive in that if I am not happy I don't tend to say so but apparently it shows on my face. I can believe it as my mum and dad are like this. I try not to do it. If I bring up an issue ie if he overspends on our joint account that is a problem. Is it normal NEVER to bring up a problem with your partner though?

No, it's not. He won't tolerate or accept criticism, that is very common for an abusive person. He accuses you of being the abusive one, that is again common for an abusive person.

Of course you should be able to bring up problems. Thats normal. Everyone has problems but if he flies off the handle everytime you say anything and takes it as a personal criticism as opposed to opening a discussion then that isnt normal, and its no wonder that you are hesitant.
The fact he is examining your face looking for a reaction implies to me that he knows he is piss taking, and is looking for the opportunity to let rip to distract from what it is he has actually done. If you say something, you are criticising, if you dont then he is looking ofr the slightest glance or sign to blow up.
Having a cross look on your face isnt passive aggressive. Its being sad but frightened to say so because of the reaction.