My 'mum' friends have all stopped speaking to me and are excluding me

[Florallycushions]

And I have no idea why :(

I am so upset. There are 8 of us in total, we have all been friends since our DCs were in reception together and they are now year 4. None of us live in each others' pockets but we have all always met up regularly for nights out, sometimes lunch or coffee at one of our houses, and of course chatted at school drop off and collection.

About a month ago everything was normal and then suddenly I just felt like I was being frozen out a bit. It was just small things like I sent texts to all of them about coming round to mine for a coffee and only one replied, and they couldn't make it. And seeing some of them at the school and they'd all stop talking when I walked over and were quite offhand with me when I was there. Then they'd all be in a hurry to go when I did talk to them. No one seemed to have any time for me and I just felt unwelcome. I am not normally a paranoid person but it really was a weird atmosphere.

Then DD came home from school one Monday a couple of weeks ago and said that the other children had said that they'd all been to a playcentre the day before together, with all the parents and siblings. But we hadn't been invited to that.

I decided to ask the two friends I felt closest to if I'd done anything to upset any of them in the group as I felt frozen out and hurt that we'd not been invited . One of the friends seemed very aggravated and irritated that I had asked and was very short tempered and snappy with me that no, of course I'd done nothing wrong and I was being silly. The other seemed sympathetic and made all the right noises and was all "Oh dear" but was on the fence and didn't give anything away.

So I decided to just carry on as normal, being chatty when I saw them, and they've all been offhand with me as usual. I guess I thought it would just blow over, or that maybe I was being paranoid.

This evening though I have seen on Facebook that all of the others are out for a pizza together. I was not invited. One of them commented on the photos of the meal that they "cannot wait for their Christmas shopping trip". Again I am not invited to this, whenever/wherever it is.

I feel so upset. I have other friends, but I have enjoyed having some mum friends and I hate injustice and feeling like I've been unfairly treated. And I honestly cannot think of a single thing I could have done to offend anyone. I think I've been a nice decent friend to them all, and the other friends that I have in my life must think I am decent as they are my friends. I don't think DD has had any arguments with the other kids as she doesn't hang around with any of the other mums' DCs at school (4 have boys and the 3 girls of the other mums are in different classes to DD)

DH says it's almost like they are bullying me by exclusion. :(

I agree with BirdyArms.I am a lot older than most of you ladies (or gentlemen) on here, but I had a friend for over 40years .We worked together,had children within a week of each other, and remained as I thought "friends" for years after that.Along with two or three others we would generally meet up every few weeks,unfortunately she always had to be THE ONE (the ringleader) who always had to have the "best" belongings, jewellery, clothes, car, etc., out of us all.................Further down the line, our children were taking exams, leaving school,going on to University etc..My son got into one of the top Universities, whilst hers was not academic, but who cares,It made no difference surely, not to me anyway. My son finished at University, and had a top job at one of these Universities.of course I was delighted. A couple of weeks later she picked a row with me,over something really simple and that was that, she said "I don't want to be your friend anymore" The other two or three friends involved, just followed her like a herd of sheep.I no longer meet up with them,as SHE does the organising.They still go to lunch every month or so, no one invites me, I only find out about this from one of the women who to be honest feels a bit guilty about it all.This all happened well over six years ago, and I still feel very hurt about it all.So florallycushions do try to move on from these women if possible, don't be like me, still hurt and angry years down the line,knowing I should be taking my own advice.

Oh I feel your pain, it's a horrible position to be in. I had similar a number of years ago and I thought I was being paranoid too but no, they were actually shockingly bitchy. Ditch them and concentrate on your decent friends.

My guess is, that there is one very strong character in the group and all the others are following her lead (instead of being strong and making up their own minds)
When She says jump, these weak sheep say how high.
If she decides to bad mouth you, they will agree with her, because to disagree would mean that they could possibly be outed from the group as well.
It doesn't matter how nice you are to them, if the Queen Bee Bitch is slagging you off, you won't make much headway.

I agree that you sound like a lovely person and bear in mind that their disgusting behavior is no reflection on who you are as a person.
They are at fault here.

Please under no circumstances send an email.
In their eyes, It will make you look needy and desperate. Which you are not, but you don't want to give that impression.
Don't give them any ammo.

You can guarantee the person cast out of any group is likely to not follow or bow down to the Queen Bee's ideal.

I have seen this happen.

Maybe, instead of feeling sorry for a 'cast out' member, we should possibly admire them - for having the guts to say what they think and stand up for what they believe in.

And if everybody made up their own minds on whether they liked a person or not, we wouldn't have all this nonsense happening in the first place.

My guess is, that there is one very strong character in the group and all the others are following her lead (instead of being strong and making up their own minds)

I'd agree but I tend to think of that central person as very weak and insecure that they need to behave like this. It's cruel and completely unnecessary.

Let them go. You deserve better.

I agree, there is often an underlying insecurity behind these super confident facades.
Why else do they feel threatened, to the point of excluding people from 'their' group?

It is a power play OP. One of the group feels threatened by you, for whatever reason, and you are being excluded as a result. You are not one of them, take that as a compliment (it definitely is) and become glacial. Chilly smile, don't engage, rise above. They are silly little girls who are not worth your time.

One truly genuine friend is worth 50 of these cellophane pretenders.

really hurtful. why they do it - who knows? control? power?

bottom line is you now know that those people aren't friends. a true friend would stick up for you, wouldn't go along with this crap. count yourself lucky you didn't invest more in the group.

i bet others have been burned too, and you won't be the last.

so awful that people can do this. a form of bullying in my mind. designed to put you in your place.

Bunch of crocs, the lot of them!

Fuck them, OP!

cushions please don't send that email. Do not allow them any headspace. You are worth more than them. I think you have been given some great advice.

It's really sad just how many people are coming on MN and saying a similar thing has happened to them.......