My 'mum' friends have all stopped speaking to me and are excluding me

[Florallycushions]

And I have no idea why :(

I am so upset. There are 8 of us in total, we have all been friends since our DCs were in reception together and they are now year 4. None of us live in each others' pockets but we have all always met up regularly for nights out, sometimes lunch or coffee at one of our houses, and of course chatted at school drop off and collection.

About a month ago everything was normal and then suddenly I just felt like I was being frozen out a bit. It was just small things like I sent texts to all of them about coming round to mine for a coffee and only one replied, and they couldn't make it. And seeing some of them at the school and they'd all stop talking when I walked over and were quite offhand with me when I was there. Then they'd all be in a hurry to go when I did talk to them. No one seemed to have any time for me and I just felt unwelcome. I am not normally a paranoid person but it really was a weird atmosphere.

Then DD came home from school one Monday a couple of weeks ago and said that the other children had said that they'd all been to a playcentre the day before together, with all the parents and siblings. But we hadn't been invited to that.

I decided to ask the two friends I felt closest to if I'd done anything to upset any of them in the group as I felt frozen out and hurt that we'd not been invited . One of the friends seemed very aggravated and irritated that I had asked and was very short tempered and snappy with me that no, of course I'd done nothing wrong and I was being silly. The other seemed sympathetic and made all the right noises and was all "Oh dear" but was on the fence and didn't give anything away.

So I decided to just carry on as normal, being chatty when I saw them, and they've all been offhand with me as usual. I guess I thought it would just blow over, or that maybe I was being paranoid.

This evening though I have seen on Facebook that all of the others are out for a pizza together. I was not invited. One of them commented on the photos of the meal that they "cannot wait for their Christmas shopping trip". Again I am not invited to this, whenever/wherever it is.

I feel so upset. I have other friends, but I have enjoyed having some mum friends and I hate injustice and feeling like I've been unfairly treated. And I honestly cannot think of a single thing I could have done to offend anyone. I think I've been a nice decent friend to them all, and the other friends that I have in my life must think I am decent as they are my friends. I don't think DD has had any arguments with the other kids as she doesn't hang around with any of the other mums' DCs at school (4 have boys and the 3 girls of the other mums are in different classes to DD)

DH says it's almost like they are bullying me by exclusion. :(

Please DO NOT grovel for their attention or re-inclusion by sending an email. It will just rob you of your dignity.

Agree with Artistic. Whatever has happened (or not) rise above it.
I know how it hurts though, have suffered it myself. In my case I found out a couple of terms later it was due to my DD standing up for herself in the playgroup when the ringleader moms child pushed her. My DD told a teacher, and as her child then got moved down the zone board, and cried, it was held against me.
Fcuk them.

...happening again

Has similar happened before? The only thing I can suggest checking are very shallow things, like differences in wealth, body image, lifestyle, family structure, class. They shouldn't, but I know some people can be quite cutthroat along these lines.

Have you read 'The Hive' by Gill Hornby? It's about how some mothers just have to be queen bee and how others are often sheep in that they follow the strong persons lead. Well worth a read but perhaps in a few months time.

"shouldn't matter" that should have read.

Poor you . Unfortunately some women never do quite grow out of this shit and sadly you found yourself in a group of them. Honestly - I know a woman of 46 who still acts like this with her new best friend every time she makes one - and that is often!
There's only one course open to you. Defriend on FB straight away. Smile and ice at school. Always smile. Never maintain more than a second of eye contact. Appear happy even if you don't feel it at that moment. Do not grace them with another second of your time - you are worth a thousand of them! Oh - and know that there will be another victim sooner or later. And.....last And! And - don't worry. It won't have been anything you did/didn't do - it will have been that the Queen Bee of the group will have perceived you as some kind of threat to her.
Most importantly of all - as Love says - FUCK 'EM!

Despite the fact I really want to know I agree to just put it out of your mind. I can almost guarantee that it would be some crap and you'd think "was that it?"
Bottom line is they don't matter

When my son started school I had loads of mums smiling at me and we had good talks on the way to school. This all changed when I got this new mum joining in. I found myself talking to her alone and the others ignored me all the time. No one talks to me from that old group any more. It took me some time to work out that this lady was a real gossip. She always portrayed each one of her friends and even her mum in law to me in a negative manner. In fact she gave all her friends strict instructions to not talk to her mum in law. When her father in law passed away poor MIL no one offered her any condolenses.
I started seeing many people in a negative light whereas these were just normal occurences such as she did not invite me to her home, or her son said this or her friend laughed at my son and upset me. The stories always came into my head and I found myself not approaching people freely any more. I hated this situation and felt very strangled up. Thank God she has a job now and I see her no more. I am much more happier.
What I mean to say is that sometimes we are not able to read what gossip goes on behind us. No one really feels they can tell it to you on your face. It is best to move on and make other friends, approach other people and try to find different types of activities to engage in and get other friends for your kids.
People will never want to tell you what really upset them about you. Best of luck in finding better friends.

I haven't had your direct issue but this rings true:

I read something on another thread about friendship groups where a poster said something like "in order to make themselves feel like insiders, they have to make someone feel like an outsider", or something like that. I thought it was very true. This say a whole lot more about them and their insecurities and need to "belong" than it does about you.

Maybe your have done something without realising, maybe you're just the easy person to outcast, maybe your DD has done something you don't know about. Anything could have happened. But if they aren't brave enough to tell you what's going on then they aren't worth your time or thought

tuck cross posted with you but I've had a recent friendship with someone like that. which is what rang true about that quote. draining isn't it. and you'll never know the truth sometimes.

I've had this happen to me before and it's really upsetting at the time but I'm over it now. I can honestly say I have no time for school girl shit like that. Someone else will be in the firing line next, count your lucky stars you're out of it.

Oh op, I have sympathy for you. It's so horrible when things like that happen. You think you've left all that shit behind in the playground, eh? You sound lovely.

Keep your distance, be polite but distant, don't let them get to you. Fuckers.

You have my sympathy OP. On person in my old group had an issue with me which she had no right to tbh. She said it was her thing and no one elses but not one of them invites me to anything anymore. I think she has clearly had some influence there. Fuck them tbh.

I know someone a little bit like the from school. She does a lot with a couple of other mums and I am never included at all. Given that we have always been friendly it does hurt but I am fairly sure that's because (I get the impression) that she really doesn't like my child. She seems quite competitive and compares ours all the time and mine is slightly above hers in everything in school and I think she really doesn't like it. Do you think it could be anything like this?

I'm sorry this happened to you. You have learned that they are not really your friends. In a way, it's a good thing because now you can cut your losses and move on. I also guarantee this will happen to someone else in their group with time, if that's the type of dynamic going on.

honestly OP it doesn't matter what you "did". With people like this, it could have been anything and if they were true friends they would not let something get inbetween you like this without bringing it up.

We moved to our village a few years ago and I quicly noticed there is a large Queen Bee Oh Look At Us Aren't We All So Socially Successful group of Mums at the school. Anyway, not my kind of people; I never really engaged with them.

Anyway, I gradually got to be really good friends with another Mum at school and she confided to me that she had been part of the group when her kids were small, but they had stopped inviting her to stuff and frozen her out.

My friend is quite different to this group though; they are very smooth, groomed, materialistic sort of people. My friend is eccentric and funny and doesn't give a toss. I just think she didn't fit in with them. Their loss.

oh, and defriend/unfollow on FB. fuck that shit, what assholes they are.

I have seen this happen and it's not nice. Hate those sort of people. You sound far more like the type of person I would be friends with. Almost certain you will find in time to come that they will drift off and want to be your friend again. There's usually one person who picks people off one by one. Hideous , I can't bear spiteful women.

They're all now at a cocktail bar, posting loads of photos.

I can't help but feel that the photos are posted to be spiteful to me...

If you seriously think that, defriend. You need them gone and quickly.

Why is I think a bunch of men wouldn't act like this?

Defriend them, op. I hate FB for this reason.

Hugs and

They can't be having that much of an amazing time there if they're spending all night posting photos. They sound a bit desperate, tbh, you're probably well rid, although it's completely understandable you feel shit about it. I hope you feel better soon

Have a really hard think OP. Can you think of a reason if you're honest with yourself.

We were a big group when first DC were in nursery. Regular coffees, play dates etc that morphed into mum's weekends away etc. Obviously over time some people drifted away (their choice) and new people joined.

But one mum has been dropped. Basically she took the piss but insidiously. She has always asked for favours and as we bit by bit returned to work we helped each other out. But realisation struck that she was using everyone for free childcare, lifts etc. without offering in return, or very rarely. Eg if she asked for her DS to be brought home from scouts anyone else would offer to take the other DC there, or bring back the following week but not her. She was going out! In the school hols you'd somehow end up with one or more of her DC; one of us one day and somebody else the next. Many many things like that, not terrible on its own but consistent. So people got pissed off and started avoiding her calls.

I drifted away years ago but others still overlap re activities and pre warn each other when she's on the lookout for favours again so they can get their excuses ready.

I think she really has no idea how people feel. Nobody has actually told her, just avoided her. And she's not very self aware - in a discussion with one of the mums she described herself as being 'genuinely nice'!

Say oi where is my invite