My 'mum' friends have all stopped speaking to me and are excluding me

[Florallycushions]

And I have no idea why :(

I am so upset. There are 8 of us in total, we have all been friends since our DCs were in reception together and they are now year 4. None of us live in each others' pockets but we have all always met up regularly for nights out, sometimes lunch or coffee at one of our houses, and of course chatted at school drop off and collection.

About a month ago everything was normal and then suddenly I just felt like I was being frozen out a bit. It was just small things like I sent texts to all of them about coming round to mine for a coffee and only one replied, and they couldn't make it. And seeing some of them at the school and they'd all stop talking when I walked over and were quite offhand with me when I was there. Then they'd all be in a hurry to go when I did talk to them. No one seemed to have any time for me and I just felt unwelcome. I am not normally a paranoid person but it really was a weird atmosphere.

Then DD came home from school one Monday a couple of weeks ago and said that the other children had said that they'd all been to a playcentre the day before together, with all the parents and siblings. But we hadn't been invited to that.

I decided to ask the two friends I felt closest to if I'd done anything to upset any of them in the group as I felt frozen out and hurt that we'd not been invited . One of the friends seemed very aggravated and irritated that I had asked and was very short tempered and snappy with me that no, of course I'd done nothing wrong and I was being silly. The other seemed sympathetic and made all the right noises and was all "Oh dear" but was on the fence and didn't give anything away.

So I decided to just carry on as normal, being chatty when I saw them, and they've all been offhand with me as usual. I guess I thought it would just blow over, or that maybe I was being paranoid.

This evening though I have seen on Facebook that all of the others are out for a pizza together. I was not invited. One of them commented on the photos of the meal that they "cannot wait for their Christmas shopping trip". Again I am not invited to this, whenever/wherever it is.

I feel so upset. I have other friends, but I have enjoyed having some mum friends and I hate injustice and feeling like I've been unfairly treated. And I honestly cannot think of a single thing I could have done to offend anyone. I think I've been a nice decent friend to them all, and the other friends that I have in my life must think I am decent as they are my friends. I don't think DD has had any arguments with the other kids as she doesn't hang around with any of the other mums' DCs at school (4 have boys and the 3 girls of the other mums are in different classes to DD)

DH says it's almost like they are bullying me by exclusion. :(

They sound horrible, OP. Please don't waste anymore of your time on these women. They're not worth it - and they're certainly not worth your upset.

I wouldn't bother attempting any form of contact anymore. Freeze them out the way they have done you. In the mornings, if and when you are ever passing them, simply plaster the cheeriest smile on your face you can muster, give them a happy, "Morning!" and just keep on walking right past them. You can take comfort from the fact it'll probably drive them all nuts wondering how you could possibly be happy without them.

I wouldn't let this stop you from making different friends at the school gates. Try talking to some new people and making polite conversation, especially with your DD's friends' parents. Arrange play dayes, perhaps try and get involved with the school and the PTA, maybe go for a morning coffee, etc. School mum friends are often an invaluable support to have in so many ways - don't let one pack of bitches put you off.

I would delete them all off of Facebook. You don't need to torture yourself with what could have been. Don't give them the opportunity to let you shed any tears over them. Just have a good clear out and you'll feel so much lighter for it, I promise. Move on with your life and forget them.

One of them is telling lies about you, I'd put money on it. Really sorry you are going through this. What is it about groups of women! I've never heard of this sort of Rubbish between men.

I've recently had a similar experience. I hate it. Whilst the rational part of me thinks 'fuck them they're not worth it', it really hurts and the idea of having to build up new friendships from nowhere seems an impossible task.

Women are so nasty. This is why I'm glad I don't do friendships with groups of women.

Of course you must feel awful op - I'm sorry this is happening.

You have to love bitchy women. Caught up in their little nondescript lives. Behind closed doors I am sure it is far from rosey....

Cushions this is a horrible thing to be going through, as many have said you are not alone.

I am hoping that these people are no longer on your fb friends list, I actually found this very liberating when I did this in a very similar situation.

As others have said there is often a queen bee type calling the shots and unfortunately the others in the group don't challenge this person as it will usually lead to expulsion from the group.

Their behaviour speaks volumes about their own insecurities.

Delete/de-friend/block the mean girls from your Facebook immediately and beyond a brisk 'hello' don't engage with them at school.

No doubt someone else will be in their firing line soon enough, probably one of their inclusive little gang for having better hair/shoes/bags or whatever else it is that has rankled with them.

There's a couple of clickety click gangs like this at our DC's school. I ignore the fuckers. They're rude, entitled and showy and always loudly cackling about some new kitchen appliance or equally boring subject. Some of them do look over at me sometimes as they probably think of me as an aloof fecker. An aloof fecker with swishy hair, great lipstick and fabulous shoes .....so neh!

Find a different crowd and don't let these mean bitches get to you. Every school gate has them.

They sound like a coven of absolutely awful bitches. They deserve each other. You've done all you can to try and find out what the so-called issue is but with no response, so there's no point pushing the issue. A very wise person once said 'What other people think of you is none of your business', which is very true. I know it hurts to be rejected but would you really want to be part of this group now after the way they've treated you?

I can understand you not wanting to delete them off FB in case of immediate repercussions, so in your place what I'd do is unfollow them for the timebeing, so you don't have to see them rubbing their forced fun in your face. Then, on the first day of the Christmas holiday after schools break up, go through your friends list and delete them all. Do this safe in the knowledge that you don't deserve the treatment they're giving you, that you're worth more, and that you'll be ok without them. That will give you a good two weeks to enjoy Christmas with your family and forget about them. On the unlikely off chance that they question you about this when school re-starts in January, just answer honestly that you only have true friends on your FB friends list and as they cut you out for no reason, they no longer reside in that group.

As the New Year approaches, resolve not to be drawn into their bullshit any longer. Maybe look for some hobbies, interests or challenges where you can do something you enjoy and perhaps make new friends. Just try not to linger over this for too long - they don't deserve any more of your precious headspace.

I feel for you op. As others have suggested just block from now on. I just cannot understand how grown adults can act like this. What a terrible example to their children. Cultivate other friendships for yourself and your dc. It hurts now but this time next year you won't give them a second thought.

I'm sure sometime in the not too distant future someone will break ranks and spill, then you can be all cool and say you hadn't given it much though because you have a life.

Playground bitches are so sad.

The best thing to do is pretend it's all gone over your head and it's too trivial for you to even notice. They'll hate that.

Silly bitches who haven't grown up - you are way better off without them. Friendship groups like this always peter out in the end - as children grow up you realise you've nothing in common any more. Agree with the poster that says one person has probably been stirring up trouble. Definitely unfollow them on Facebook if you're not brave enough to de friend.

Move on - their loss

PS do not send an email

Seriously OP. Have a think. It's perfectly possible that they are just 'bitchy school gate clicks' that people on MN seem to like going on about. But it might Be something you've done. The person I mentioned earlier probably has no idea why people are avoiding her. She really thinks she's a lovely person that does nothing wrong and isn't aware that asking for favours every other time you call pisses people off.

It does sound as if one might have been telling lies.

If taht is the case though, the others are awful for believing & just not being friends also.

This is one of the advantages of working and thus avoiding the school gates and school mum friends!!

This sounds so awful, Cushions, and so utterly childish.

You need new friends, your old ones are really crap.

And it you are not up to defriending them on FB, then at least change the settings so their posts are hidden from your timeline. That way you won't be smacked in The face by their photos without warning.

This happened to me with my group of school friends who I had known for decades and were hugely important to me, was just awful and so hurtful and I still years later feel annoyed about it. It is good to have finally moved on from feeling so hurt and to just feel a bit annoyed instead, but it has taken a while. I think their treatment of me was cruel and reflects badly on them, sure I must have inadvertently caused problems and be partially to blame but I tried to fix it and I made so much effort with them. Female friendships can be very very tricky and the main thing is to remember that you never purposefully did anything mean and so whatever their reasoning for dumping you, it is just not at all justified and says that they really should try to empathise with people more and generally grow up and be kinder to people, how would they react if their children behaved like this? You are better off without people like this in your life and will find much nicer people to be friends with. Try not to blame yourself and look for reasons, they have frozen you out which IMO is not how average kindness adults should behave, this is about them and some weird popularity contest not you. The other thing is unfortunately as you can see from all your comments, this is not that unusual at all, another reason why you shouldn't blame yourself - it is an unpleasant fact of life. Treat yourself to something nice and mentally stick 2 fingers up at them whenever you see them.

Not read all the replies but it may not be anything you've done op, sorry to sound brutal but they may just not like you, maybe your personality does not fit in with theirs. That's no reflection on you by the way!

I have never got into the mum group thing because I know that I wouldn't really fit in, I take a lot of getting to know before anyone really gets me and I can't be doing with all the shite I hear about the school gate thing on mumsnet all the time. I keep myself to myself, am
Polite if I'm spoken to but I don't go all out to be chummy. I stick to the friends I've known for years who love me for who I am.

If there have been the same 8 women for years, and no one new has joined and no one new has ever been pushed out of the group again, then I disagree these women are acting like teens and soon will "oust" someone else. You would have seen it by now.

Either you or your DH did something - or someone has claimed you did something and was believed. We can't guess for you.

Kids squabble so you must've seen kids fight amongst themselves at some point? Did the mums interfere? Did mums leave them to sort it out? If no one ever falls out with each other over their kids' fights, then it's pretty drastic reaction if this is the first time.

Twowrongs -even if OP has unintentionally done something to upset them they are childish and nasty in the way they are dealing with it.
The mature thing would be to discuss it with her, not to act like a bunch of bullying 15 year-olds. I think Op's best option is to act unaffected-just the brisk "Morning" and to stop following them on facebook but not actually unfriend as that is a reaction.
OP -it really is upsetting but try not to let it get to you.

That is harsh.

I don't think you should really feel like you are missing out on the friendship of people who act like girls did at school when I was 11 though. Hope you meet some new nicer friends.

Hi OP

I would ignore them right back, take them off your facebook, if they ask why, tell them why.

They will come running back eventually because another member will be excluded, then another, then another...

I absolutely agree auntacid. Someone should tell her that people avoid her calls because more often than not she wants a favour. But nobody is brave enough!

We have this discussion when we meet up as some of the group are still in contact as their DC do the same activities. I keep saying that they should tell her but everyone seems to not like confrontation so hide away instead. It's not my place as I've not been 'used' for years and I've been told that it's not my business to say anything on their behalf!

Don't email or say anything. You will regret it. Sorry this has happened is crap. Get angry at home in private then move on with your dignity intact.