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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My 'mum' friends have all stopped speaking to me and are excluding me

136 replies

Florallycushions · 20/11/2015 21:24

And I have no idea why :(

I am so upset. There are 8 of us in total, we have all been friends since our DCs were in reception together and they are now year 4. None of us live in each others' pockets but we have all always met up regularly for nights out, sometimes lunch or coffee at one of our houses, and of course chatted at school drop off and collection.

About a month ago everything was normal and then suddenly I just felt like I was being frozen out a bit. It was just small things like I sent texts to all of them about coming round to mine for a coffee and only one replied, and they couldn't make it. And seeing some of them at the school and they'd all stop talking when I walked over and were quite offhand with me when I was there. Then they'd all be in a hurry to go when I did talk to them. No one seemed to have any time for me and I just felt unwelcome. I am not normally a paranoid person but it really was a weird atmosphere.

Then DD came home from school one Monday a couple of weeks ago and said that the other children had said that they'd all been to a playcentre the day before together, with all the parents and siblings. But we hadn't been invited to that.

I decided to ask the two friends I felt closest to if I'd done anything to upset any of them in the group as I felt frozen out and hurt that we'd not been invited . One of the friends seemed very aggravated and irritated that I had asked and was very short tempered and snappy with me that no, of course I'd done nothing wrong and I was being silly. The other seemed sympathetic and made all the right noises and was all "Oh dear" but was on the fence and didn't give anything away.

So I decided to just carry on as normal, being chatty when I saw them, and they've all been offhand with me as usual. I guess I thought it would just blow over, or that maybe I was being paranoid.

This evening though I have seen on Facebook that all of the others are out for a pizza together. I was not invited. One of them commented on the photos of the meal that they "cannot wait for their Christmas shopping trip". Again I am not invited to this, whenever/wherever it is.

I feel so upset. I have other friends, but I have enjoyed having some mum friends and I hate injustice and feeling like I've been unfairly treated. And I honestly cannot think of a single thing I could have done to offend anyone. I think I've been a nice decent friend to them all, and the other friends that I have in my life must think I am decent as they are my friends. I don't think DD has had any arguments with the other kids as she doesn't hang around with any of the other mums' DCs at school (4 have boys and the 3 girls of the other mums are in different classes to DD)

DH says it's almost like they are bullying me by exclusion. :(

OP posts:
rubymallorywhite · 20/11/2015 23:43

That's horrible behaviour,
If you're sure you've not mind fucked yourself & they're being bitches I wouldn't waste time unfollowing I would unfriend them all, they're not your friends.
Leave them to it.
You've tried to find out what's up, nothing more you can do.
Unfriend & ice them.
Polite but frosty !

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/11/2015 23:45

I'd be very tempted to comment "Hope you choke" and then defriend the lot of them.

AddToBasket · 20/11/2015 23:45

By the sound of it, you are not being paranoid.

What has changed in the group recentlLyons?

TwoSmellyDogs · 20/11/2015 23:48

OP please - for your own sanity - defined these ghastly people and stop looking at FB. It's serving no purpose at all except to make you miserable. Defined and make NOW the moment you move on and leave these toxic juveniles behind you!

kennyp · 20/11/2015 23:50

defriend them on fb before they defriend you. better to be the dumper than the dumpeeeee (i speak from experience)

they sound like right knobheads. a couple of nights sleep and you'll realise what a bunch of bellends they all are.

ChimpyChops · 20/11/2015 23:52

I would love to say de-friend and move on...but I know that I would have to keep them on there, punishing myself somehow! :/

I wouldn't want to put a comment in case it just makes me look silly but I might not be able to stop myself.

How awful :( De-friend! Be the better person, if they ask why then be honest.

Kessy2 · 20/11/2015 23:57

If it was me I'd comment on their FB pics, but that's just me.

imwithspud · 20/11/2015 23:57

I've been there, it seems quite common unfortunately. It hurts.

Honestly though, it does get better with time. You will get over it and you'll soon wonder why you got so upset in the first place.

Defriend or at the very least, unfollow them from Facebook. Don't subject yourself to it, you'll only prolong the feeling and make yourself feel worse.

MySordidCakeSecret · 21/11/2015 00:01

That is so immature of them and especially when you sound like such a lovely friend! (I'd want you as a friend!) I think it'd be best to move on from them now, stay polite and dignified but distance yourself so you're not involved and consequently hurt by their very rude actions.

Just remember if they can treat you like this after you've done nothing wrong then they don't deserve your friendship!

gBean · 21/11/2015 00:03

They sound horrible. Fuck em all off.

dogwalker75 · 21/11/2015 00:12

Oh what nasty bitches! Unfriend them all when you feel ready.

Threeboysandus · 21/11/2015 00:25

What a pack of bitches! I would 'hide' them on fb and get on with your life. Life is too short to be friends with bullies like that.

TheWindowDonkey · 21/11/2015 01:04

i have had this happen. Twice. Once for no apparent reason (They still all get together, First time it haooened they went for a weekend with their families together, something we used to do, I just obviously missed my invitation in the post ha! :) ) and more recently in a wider group whom there has been a slow degredation over time.

i put time, energy and effort into both groups and was hurt in different ways by both, but it taught me a lot about the transient nature of most friendshops and how not to rely on one group too much (not saying you are btw, just that I possibly did.)

You have to file them under 'Fuck it and forget it' and move on. I now have a few different groups of aquaintances who I love spending occasional time with but dont expect too much from and one or two closer longer term friends who are unrelated frienship group wise. its a much more emotionally healthy spread for me.

Time shows you who your friends really are and I'm sorry you have been hurt by thks group, but there are, honestly, plenty more friends just waiting for you to meet them. Please dont make a priority of people for whom you are evidentlyan after thought. You are worthmore than that.

toffeeboffin · 21/11/2015 01:32

God, this sounds like that movie The Help.

Far too much hassle, OP. Move on and find some nicer friends!

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 21/11/2015 01:58

I really do think that some people bond by choosing someone in the group to turn against, I've seen it a lot. It's very 'playground', fitting that it so often happens in a school setting.

The thing is, if you ask for closure you'll just be giving them extra gossip fodder. They're getting their joint jollies from this. And if their reasons for turning against you were tenuous, they'll enjoy being gifted new complaints 'You'll never guess, she actually came up and had a go at me today. What a nerve!' Blanking them will elicit the same response. Just go about your business, and stick to brief polite hellos when you bump into them.

Just be glad that you don't need to make yourself feel safe and superior by turning on a friend. They deserve each other!

tribpot · 21/11/2015 07:38

I suspect they may be posting pictures to get a rise out of you. Which is why you need to defriend them and move on.

WatchedFrozenWayTooMuch · 21/11/2015 07:49

Delete them from Facebook and real life.
If there is a queen bee causing this issue after a few months a few people in the group realise what's going on and coming crawling back . . . It's up to you to be friends again or not when it happens.

Scoobydoo8 · 21/11/2015 07:51

They know they are doing it however 'pretend misunderstood' they act ifyou ask them what's wrong.

Perhaps your DD wore a prettier costume at the school 'dress as your favourite character' day/ perhaps they tripped over your cat as they walked past your house, there will be some petty excuse for this behaviour.

The best was to get back at them is to be happy happy happy and busy busy busy.

So I would suggest faking it til you make it. Get a new hobby/interest so when anyone does speak to you (not them) you can answer with enthuisiasm - I've just finished my first quilt/marathon/ ou course/ whatever.

If you look miserable and lonely they've achieved their aim.

Nishky · 21/11/2015 07:56

I agree,you should get rid on Facebook. Someone who I regarded as a close friends ( close for 12 years, each others bridesmaids) told me she wasn't having a 40th party.

A few months later she posted photos with a big gang 'Dora's 40th party'

I followed advice from friends and blocked her on Facebook immediately-she did make contact about a year later and suggested we go for a meal. Like a fool I texted back and suggested a couple of nights -heard nothing back.

Blocked her phone number off my phone then.

I have no idea why-just know I am worth more than that.

AmandaTanen · 21/11/2015 07:59

Another vote for getting rid on Facebook. I had the same experience there were 2 strong characters in the group, and ones sister didn't like me, so if she came to a get together I was invited. The group is still full of drama, and it's so good not to be apart of it.

StealthPolarBear · 21/11/2015 08:00

Don't delete them from real life no matter how tempting, that's a crime :o

PunkrockerGirl · 21/11/2015 08:05

How horrible for you OP Flowers
I really can't be doing with grown women who act like little girls.
You sound lovely and worth so much more than this.
Defriend them and move on.

roundaboutthetown · 21/11/2015 08:22

They all sound pathetic, weak and shallow. A shame to miss out on social occasions if you enjoyed them, but you won't exactly be losing contact with anyone nice enough to cry over! Save your energy for people who deserve it.

winemummy1 · 21/11/2015 08:30

I'm going through this at the moment too & it's awful... I'm more worried bout the repercussions for DD to be honest & how hurtful it will be when she realises she's not been invited to group playdates, birthdays etc... It's horrible(one lady) my neighbour is queen bee of the preschool gate clique & all she is concerned about is mingling with wealthy, showy parents & making sure her kids are mixing with theirs. We don't for the criteria & it's awful to see my beautiful, bright, bubbly DD being excluded from bday parties etc esp as she plays so well with those kids nursery & talks about them all the time at home: (

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 21/11/2015 08:32

Nasty cows. Defriend them on fb. Don't send them an email. Look forward, not back.

Dds friends did this to her recently, they're teenagers and you can kind of expect it from girls. As I said to her if they're prepared to act like this towards you then they weren't good friends and you're better off without them. Though I realise that's hard to see at the time. A good friend wouldn't have been led by others. A good friend would have come and told you if you'd done something (I doubt you have). A good friend would have come and told you if a Queen Bee was being a bitch about you.

In dds case it was a Queen Bee who didn't like the fact that dd and one of the others in the group were becoming very close. So she started excluding dd, told the others to exclude her, spread nasty stuff round the school.