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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My 'mum' friends have all stopped speaking to me and are excluding me

136 replies

Florallycushions · 20/11/2015 21:24

And I have no idea why :(

I am so upset. There are 8 of us in total, we have all been friends since our DCs were in reception together and they are now year 4. None of us live in each others' pockets but we have all always met up regularly for nights out, sometimes lunch or coffee at one of our houses, and of course chatted at school drop off and collection.

About a month ago everything was normal and then suddenly I just felt like I was being frozen out a bit. It was just small things like I sent texts to all of them about coming round to mine for a coffee and only one replied, and they couldn't make it. And seeing some of them at the school and they'd all stop talking when I walked over and were quite offhand with me when I was there. Then they'd all be in a hurry to go when I did talk to them. No one seemed to have any time for me and I just felt unwelcome. I am not normally a paranoid person but it really was a weird atmosphere.

Then DD came home from school one Monday a couple of weeks ago and said that the other children had said that they'd all been to a playcentre the day before together, with all the parents and siblings. But we hadn't been invited to that.

I decided to ask the two friends I felt closest to if I'd done anything to upset any of them in the group as I felt frozen out and hurt that we'd not been invited . One of the friends seemed very aggravated and irritated that I had asked and was very short tempered and snappy with me that no, of course I'd done nothing wrong and I was being silly. The other seemed sympathetic and made all the right noises and was all "Oh dear" but was on the fence and didn't give anything away.

So I decided to just carry on as normal, being chatty when I saw them, and they've all been offhand with me as usual. I guess I thought it would just blow over, or that maybe I was being paranoid.

This evening though I have seen on Facebook that all of the others are out for a pizza together. I was not invited. One of them commented on the photos of the meal that they "cannot wait for their Christmas shopping trip". Again I am not invited to this, whenever/wherever it is.

I feel so upset. I have other friends, but I have enjoyed having some mum friends and I hate injustice and feeling like I've been unfairly treated. And I honestly cannot think of a single thing I could have done to offend anyone. I think I've been a nice decent friend to them all, and the other friends that I have in my life must think I am decent as they are my friends. I don't think DD has had any arguments with the other kids as she doesn't hang around with any of the other mums' DCs at school (4 have boys and the 3 girls of the other mums are in different classes to DD)

DH says it's almost like they are bullying me by exclusion. :(

OP posts:
ProfGrammaticus · 21/11/2015 10:49

I have a "mum group" and no one has been cast out. But there is one mum who most of us feel much less close to than the others. She is a good friend of one member of the group, but that is really all. There is nothing "wrong" with her at all and she has done nothing but be kind. But she is a bit dull and never (in ten years!) hosts anything at her house. So I can kind of see how situations arise. But we still invite her to get togethers, because we are nice people.

queenoftheknight · 21/11/2015 11:26

This is very common unfortunately. It hurts so much. Yes, it is likely to be more about their insecurities.

I have rather enjoyed watching what happens to these awful cliques when the DC's move to high school, and there is nowhere for them to operate.

Keep your powder dry. Unfriend them, and move on. Then get popcorn and watch in a couple of years time. ;)

Scoobydoo8 · 21/11/2015 11:54

An All In The Mind programme from 2011 with an item about Ostracism starting at about 2 mins.

It give an explanation why we feel it so strongly.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b010y000

Buttercup443 · 21/11/2015 12:09

Poor florally, I really feel for you. hugs and Chocolate this is def bullying.

I like what slightlyjaded suggested and her wording of an email.

If there is no reply I would delete them and block them on FB and other social media, whatsapp etc and move on.

You sound like a lovely, caring woman and your other friends are lucky to have you.

Wishing you much strength!!

oldmum22 · 21/11/2015 12:16

Please don't send the email as tempting as it might be. Their behaviour is appalling and I think an email would just give them ammunition. Instead, if DD is still friends with the kids , invite the kids individually for play dates . If the offer is refused ,then both you or your DD need to find new friends, which is awful for DD but at the same time but by the time secondary comes, she will be ahead of the game for making new friends. Good luck and don't let it get you down x

MuttonWasAGoose · 21/11/2015 12:19

I don't agree that this is bullying. It would be nice if they'd tell her outright why they don't want to hang out with her but they're not obligated to tell her. Bullying is when you go out of your way to make someone feel shit. How many times have we seen advised on here to just back away from someone that an OP has issues with?

It's very likely that the issue with this OP is very trivial and not a true character flaw. And it's shit that they haven't directly told her. But it's very common. And it's happened to most of us at one time or another and it really sucks.

KERALA1 · 21/11/2015 12:20

Sure it's not this but do you ever organise things? I realised there were several couples in our loose group who never ever invited dh or I to anything over the years. On finding they invited others to stuff I became slightly less inclusive when it came to including them as no reciprocity back. But doesn't sound like that here.

SlaggyIsland · 21/11/2015 13:18

Of course it's bullying. All going out in a group and posting pictures to hurt the OP, refusing to tell where what is wrong when asked.... it's classic bullying behaviour.

squidgyapple · 21/11/2015 13:19

They sound awful. As a consolation it's not so long before you no longer have to do the school run. My youngest is in y6 and I no longer have to do the school run - yay! Even last year, when she was y5, I mainly met her at a half way point.
And then you no longer have to see the cowbags.

Original poster
Florallycushions · 21/11/2015 13:45

Well the photos are still appearing on FB today. I'm actually finding it quite amusing in a way about how childish and pathetic they are all being. There are photos of them all sitting around a table with captions such as "Night out with all my besties". Sad!

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 21/11/2015 13:52

They wouldn't have put the photos on fb unless they wanted to hurt you. Either that or they're all really thick and thoughtless. They must have realised you would see them.

Please delete them.

MrsGradyOldLady · 21/11/2015 13:53

What a shower of cunts

At least you don't have to go round with the type of grown woman who uses the word "bestie". Every cloud...

Steamedcharsiubun · 21/11/2015 13:54

Have you become single by any chance? Very poor of them but I have heard that some coupled up women fear single women.

Original poster
Florallycushions · 21/11/2015 13:56

Right, I have hidden all of their updates on Facebook for now, and will delete at some point in a few weeks.

Been thinking about things and there does seem to be one woman who is the ringleader of them all; she has been putting more photos and quotes on Facebook than the others, and is someone who is extremely popular and who everyone seems to want to be friends with, I think because they want to 'be' her, if that makes sense. She is quite a forceful person, I would not be surprised if she has engineered this.

OP posts:
anotherbusymum14 · 21/11/2015 14:11

Unfortunately this happens. Join groups and activities further away from your school and area and get to know some new people. It's hard but it will happen if you can put the time and effort into it. It will especially help your child if she finds herself on the end of their exclusion/wrath and unfortunately it seeps into the classroom like that. Some people are just rude and want to keep others away from those women/mum groups just to feel better about themselves. Sorry to say OP grieve and move on😒Flowers

KERALA1 · 21/11/2015 14:11

Any friendship I had with anyone who used words like "besties" would be over forthwith.

Use this as a spur to embrace life and meet better people. I felt abit dejected when one woman started leaving me out of stuff. I made a real effort outside the group, got to know others better etc. invited her to my birthday drinks she was obviously Shock at how many people were there. Success is the best revenge my dear!

0dfod · 21/11/2015 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/11/2015 14:19

Well done cushions, that's a step in the right direction.

I personally wouldn't send the email (it's a brilliant email) They know what they have done, be it being the ringleader or a tagger on sort of person. And they will have to live with that.

Move on and fine more genuine friends who don't bring you down.

magpie17 · 21/11/2015 14:40

Well, they suck don't they?! They know you can see the photos on FB of course they do, so I think there will be an element of spite to things. Even if you have unknowingly done something to upset one or all of them then the normal adult thing would be to approach you and talk about it, this ostracism (if that's a word!) is petty, childish and cruel.

This happened to me once, but I was about 18 so it's much more understandable behaviour from a group of teenagers! These women are grown-ups and should behave better.

You have done the right thing unfollowing them, deleting them all or sending an email would just mean they all end up talking about you behind your back even more unfortunately and I'm sure that would make you feel worse. If I was you I would forget them and stick with your real friends, be cheerfully civil when you encounter them, not frosty, and make sure you always look busy when dropping/picking up your DD so they know you have a life without them and their silliness.

In my experience it will be one person driving this, you may find that the others act differently in time but I would still leave these friendships behind.

spaceyboo · 21/11/2015 15:01

You're right to let them go. Something similar happened to me a few years ago with a group of work friends - they slowly froze me out without telling me why, until I wasn't even being invited for coffee etc any more. It stressed me out so much until I decided just to cut my losses. Felt better immediately afterwards.

Scoobydoo8 · 21/11/2015 15:19

and who everyone seems to want to be friends with

Or someone who everyone is a bit nervous of NOT being friends with. I have found that to be the case sometimes, the Queenbee/bitch.

CFSsucks · 21/11/2015 21:07

Sound about right OP. In my previous group there was 1 forceful type and me and her clashed because I refused to bow down to everything she wanted and would quite happily say no whereas everyone else would just follow blindly along even if they didn't want what she wanted. It was tedious. The other is well liked by everyone and they all seem to fall over themselves to help her but I have noticed she can actually be pretty bitchy, especially when she has decided she doesn't like you anymore or you may have done something that she doesn't like. Again I'm my own person and didn't follow blindly along and I'm the one who has been cast out.

You can guarantee the person cast out of any group is likely to not follow or bow down to the Queen Bee's ideal.

AyeAmarok · 21/11/2015 22:30

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on and you're better off out of this group OP.

Sorry you had to go through this, it's shit. Perhaps the ringleader feels threatened by you?

Beachlovingirl · 21/11/2015 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 21/11/2015 23:21

The good side of being bullied, OP, is that you don't have to count bullies among your friends and that is quite a significant plus.