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Original poster

I've been played, haven't I? OLD related

138 replies

itsallpoop · 18/11/2015 18:30

I am so stupid. I have been played like a right fool and I am so upset and annoyed with myself.

First OLD ever, went amazingly well, and coffee turned into a meal out. Before that we had exchanged literally hundreds of texts over two dsys. He was so bloody nice. Really kind, loads of compliments, funny, charming - everything.

Second date, also brilliant with some heavy duty kissing.

Third date and we DTD. Again, absolutely fantastic, loving, warm, intimate. Just perfect. I floated home, hardly able to believe my luck. After being in a crappy relationship for 3 years, I had a glimmer of happiness.

Since then, almost nothing. The odd text in response to my increasingly desperate ones, but no sign of anything like before at all.

Why do they do it? Why say on a profile you're looking for a relationship when all you want is a shag?

Number deleted now, won't be getting in touch again. Not saddened by this ending before it began, just incredibly sad that I was played for a fool, when I had been so hopeful.

Are all men on OLD like this?

OP posts:
amarmai · 23/11/2015 21:49

women are telling us about what has happened to them on a 'dating' site and men are telling us not to beleive what our experiences have taught us?! OLD story = nothing new here.

Original poster
itsallpoop · 27/11/2015 13:49

It's happened again Sad

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Spoke to someone else via text and phone, met for a drink on Wednesday.

Got on really well, no DTD this time, just a kiss and cuddle goodbye and he said he'd call me.

Nothing.

I sent a couple but now deleted his number.

Why does this happen, I can't believe I am so bad at reading people. I really thought he liked me.

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 27/11/2015 14:01

Ugh that's rubbish. It's not unusual though. My benchmark was if they didn't text me on the way home they probably weren't interested.

donajimena · 27/11/2015 14:04

There is nothing so wrong with that. Maybe he changed his mind? Unless you harden up a bit I don't think any dating is right for you.
The last incident was unpleasant and not your fault. This isn't your fault either.
The worse 'fuck off' I ever had was a guy I dated and DTD with. I messaged to see if he wanted to meet again he replied to say he had a nice evening but didn't think it would work long term and by the way his knob was sore had I given him an STI?

We'd used a condom so I can only think he was an utter utter cunt who tried to upset me.

THATS the kind of people who are out there. It was most definitely not me and my immediate thought was 'what a fucking wanker' not oh whats wrong with me.

Its not you.

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 14:50

Wednesday of this week?

Original poster
itsallpoop · 27/11/2015 15:01

Yes, this week.

I don't think I'm cut out for this, I can't cope with the differences before/after a meet.

I wouldn't dream of just not texting back after I'd met someone.

OP posts:
Whythehellnot · 27/11/2015 15:08

If you do online dating regularly, this will happen a lot. I have done it myself, had a pleasant enough date, arranged to meet again, then changed my mind a few hours later. I wouldn't ignore somebody however.

YouBoggleMyMind · 27/11/2015 15:10

No, not all OLD men are like it! I've been with my lovely DH for 7 years in January, married just over a year and trying for our first baby. We met online and he's perfect. I'm sorry you had a rubbish time but don't give up hope. I had to kiss a handful of frogs to find my prince. (flowers)

YouBoggleMyMind · 27/11/2015 15:11

Flowers even!

Vagabond · 27/11/2015 15:11

itsallpoop, poor you! You've been through a couple of bad experiences. BUT, on the plus side, experiences are good to have because they make you wiser.

I watched my younger cousin going through tinder dating and she had similar experiences to you: great connections etc.. then nothing. Then a week later, a pathetic text saying "a cuddle would be nice" etc... She is lovely, pretty, kind, loving... there was no reason for these guys being so indifferent after having such great connections.

On her fourth fellow, great connection. Only difference... he texted, and made another date, and then texted again... and he just kept up communication and they kept dating and now they are engaged.

One thing I believe to be 100% true. If a guy is truly interested in you, he will pursue you and text you and call you and arrange more dates ...there is no way a guy who is really into you will not get in contact. My opinion is that he if is not totally into you right away and lets you know that, then walk away and chalk it up to a lucky escape from a life of indifference.

donajimena · 27/11/2015 15:23

You can do it! The toughen up comment wasn't meant disparingly (sp)
When I met my oh my babysitter asked how the date went. I had had a lovely evening. Just a peck on the cheek
I said it seemed to go ok but sometimes you just can't tell. As it turned out he messaged me as soon as he got home.
But I am quite a seasoned jaded dater and I still never know if their actions will match their words!

FriendofBill · 27/11/2015 15:32

Donajimena hits the nail in the head there. Don't so much listen to what is said but what is done.

Actions not words.
Take what is said lightly until it is proved. A drink is a drink, a coffee is a coffee, not a commitment, whatever they say.

No second date until you are on the date. It's all just words otherwise.

Next!

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 15:50

I would have given it more than a day and a bit for him to ring tbh. If he hadn't been in touch over the weekend then by all means delete. You're not buying the slow burn idea are you OP Grin I don't mean to be flippant...just next time give it a little room to breathe maybe let them come back to you in their own (reasonable) time...keep going OP

scoobydooagain · 27/11/2015 16:09

OLD can be soul destroying if you are not in the right place. First time round my experience was much like yours, took a few months off then gave it another go with the attitude I was doing it just to enjoy myself and improve my social life, outcome - every single one of them wanting to see me again ( and my DP of 2 and 1/2 years was one of them).

Whythehellnot · 27/11/2015 16:10

It is dating etiquette to text straight after the date/when you get home saying thanks, nice to meet you. Then if they are keen they will ask to see you again.

If a man didn't text on the same day of the date, I would take it that they were not interested.

suzannecaravaggio · 27/11/2015 16:20

It is dating etiquette to text straight after the date/when you get home saying thanks, nice to meet you

agree with this, when I OD'd if I liked a person I'd text afterwards 'enjoyed meeting you, would be great to meet again sometime'
if he didnt pick up the ball and run with it then fuck him

except dont fuck him

Original poster
itsallpoop · 27/11/2015 16:34

It's not so much the slow burn I can't cope with - it's the difference between the texts before and afterwards. I don't want committment, I just want niceness.

Just one text isn't too much to ask for surely? These men are so hard, as PPs have said it's just courtesy to text, even if it's a thanks but no thanks.

OP posts:
Whythehellnot · 27/11/2015 16:46

Don't let them text you before the date. What's the point in that? You don't even know them. It's such a waste of time. My phone used to be pinging day and night till I got the hang of it.

Just chat online at your leisure. Arrange to meet. Then swap numbers after the first date.

donajimena · 27/11/2015 17:03

Fortunately by the time I met my OH I had been reading mumsnet long enough to know the best thing to do with OLD is to not text beforehand and meet quickly or NEXT
We established over a few emails that we would like to meet and met up 4 days after first contact. We only swapped mobiles last minute in case we got held up.
the first text I received from him was the one after the date.
Before I used to swap numbers and I would have texts left right and centre before I ever met them. It creates false intimacy.
Yes a thanks but no thanks would be nice but not everyone is as well mannered as you or I Smile

niceupthedance · 27/11/2015 17:19

I'm usually on the side of manners, especially after having sex with the person, but actually I think it's ok to say I'll call you and then not after one meeting, which isn't really even a date. Saves a lot of embarrassment explaining they weren't what you thought, or you reminded them of their ex, or whatever.

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 17:46

I'm in agreement with the not texting beforehand actually - that's a good way of doing it

LionHeartedWoman · 27/11/2015 23:44

If you are happy to text frequently before the date, at least have the manners to text a thanks no thanks text. It takes no time at all.(Especially if you've slept together.)

I think some people are just lack in basic manners and are happy to skip off into the internet without a backwards glance. It's not okay I think

LionHeartedWoman · 27/11/2015 23:47

I wonder how you might feel if someone you cared about was repeatedly treated with such disdain?

ohtheholidays · 28/11/2015 00:01

You need to slow it down OP.

I met my DH online,we chatted online at first for nearly 2 weeks,then we exchanged numbers and texted each other for nearly a week and then we spoke on the phone every day,he'd ring me every day and we'd talk for ages.

About 6 weeks after we started chatting online we went on our first date,we've been together ever since and that was nearly 10 years ago.Married and DC together and he's by far the nicest and most normal guy I've ever been in a relationship with.

Two of DH's friends told DH to try the site and both of his friends went onto marry the women they met on there,they've all gone onto have children and are all still together as well.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/11/2015 05:48

Disagree with ohtheholidays about the pace of dating - that's a recipe for a waste of time ime. But you need to accept that you won't be everyone's cup of tea and that the pre date contact is fantasy - you haven't met so you aren't really connecting person to person. After a meet you may want to see each other again and you may not - it's fine. Develop a thicker skin!