I've been played, haven't I? OLD related

[itsallpoop]

I am so stupid. I have been played like a right fool and I am so upset and annoyed with myself.

First OLD ever, went amazingly well, and coffee turned into a meal out. Before that we had exchanged literally hundreds of texts over two dsys. He was so bloody nice. Really kind, loads of compliments, funny, charming - everything.

Second date, also brilliant with some heavy duty kissing.

Third date and we DTD. Again, absolutely fantastic, loving, warm, intimate. Just perfect. I floated home, hardly able to believe my luck. After being in a crappy relationship for 3 years, I had a glimmer of happiness.

Since then, almost nothing. The odd text in response to my increasingly desperate ones, but no sign of anything like before at all.

Why do they do it? Why say on a profile you're looking for a relationship when all you want is a shag?

Number deleted now, won't be getting in touch again. Not saddened by this ending before it began, just incredibly sad that I was played for a fool, when I had been so hopeful.

Are all men on OLD like this?

At 17, I met a guy of the same age at college. He chased me and I was flattered as I barely received any attention. I was the ugly girl at school, the one overlooked in favour of her friends.

He seemed so keen and I played along with it. Cut a long story short. He never ever committed but I stupidly slept with him whenever we met up, every few months. I wanted more but he did not. He cancelled dates, sometimes not turning up.

It fizzled in the end but I thought about him for years afterwards. He broke my heart but I was young and naive.

So what if he put he wants a relationship and then didn't want one with this particular woman? wanting a relationship doesn't mean you automatically have to have one with every woman/man you date. It means you want a relationship if and when the conditions are right. Dating is the process to find out whether those conditions are present. Fuck sake.

OP I know it hurts like hell but may be a good idea to understand how dating works a bit more?

People who blow hot so much as this guy did can rarely sustain it. Just because he said he wanted a relationship, doesn't mean you were 'the one'. Sleeping with someone early on always means there is a risk they will bugger off- either because they just weren't that into you after all, or because they decided the whole thing was going too fast so they took a step back.

This may have ended after 3 dates whether you had sex or not.

I agree 100% that he ought to have sent you a text or phoned and said thanks for 3 lovely dates, but he didn't want to continue. However, once a man has been in your knickers they usually find it very hard to be honest like that and will take the coward's way out. Women do the same- not just men!

I don't know why you accuse him of not being honest. Did you assume he wanted a relationship with you or do you mean he ought to have been honest enough to let you know he didn't want to carry on?

This is nothing to do with OLD- it happens however people meet.

If you want to protect yourself from this behaviour, get to know them for longer before the sex.

I had a flingette last year and I was super keen full of happiness and lust and then we DTD
it left me cold. I certainly didn't set out for just a shag. It's just how it went. I do feel bad about it but I couldn't have gone back for a repeat performance just to make sure he got his money's worth (figuratively speaking) it does happen.
I DTD on my first date with OH. I figured if he was just after a shag better know sooner rather than later. I did fancy him rotten.
in my opinion you just can't tell. You really can't. That's why I think this stupid third date business needs to go.

levitcus I know ha!!! Well sex is sex relationships take a slow build

And as for Tinder...don't knock it til you've tried it I say !!

And also sex isn't the prize of a relationship is it....sex is spontaneous and natural or it should be - it has no baring on relationship progression (to me)

I did read once that when it comes to whether or not they want relationships, men don't think straight before sex and women don't think straight after sex, and have often thought this can be true.

surely it's not so much the fact that he may have decided this one wasn't for him as the fact that he didn't even have the common courtesy to tell the op that?

I agree that any kind of dating may mean that things might not necessarily progress, but if you're communicating between dates, meeting up, talking, sleeping together on the understanding that while you're seeing where things are going there is still an expectation that you are currently in this process together, then if one of you decides this isn't going anywhere after all the decent thing to do is to tell the other person that, not just stop communicating?

And yes, after sex of course it gives the impression that they were only there for a shag if until then they were communicative and then just shagged and ran.

It's pretty poor form, and there is no valid reason to not at least say "sorry but I'm just not feeling it," or whatever line one uses these days...

That I agree with but then he's going to get the same response I would think either way. If after sex he text to say "sorry you didn't do it for me, bye" or "sex was lovely but I don't see you as girlfriend material, sorry' then he'd still be considered just as much as an arse to be fair. Anyway OP didn't say he hadn't been in touch just that it had slowed way down...maybe he's been in touch now and all is well we don't know

At the end of the day OP was sure of one thing - that she fancied him and wanted sex with him which she got, after that nothing is in stone is it.

I think that a lot of women would like to have a review setting on dating sites/apps just to know this precise thing. I personally haven't done it but loads of friends have and the chasing, sex and no interest route is just constant.

Men probably have an equivalent issue too but I don't really have male friends.

One day I'll set it up!

Fishys there are other ways of doing it, I have had a fluffy 'sorry, my life is going to be really busy no time for a relationship/someone I dated 6 months ago is back in town texts and thought: ok cool.

And as for tinder, it's what you make it. Two guys I met from there wanted something serious (they were not for me) and the third one asked me to be his girlfriend before we dtd. So there you go. Some men do have manners. Some women expect manners. Nothing wrong with that.

Isn't this conversation getting a bit silly now?
I think everyone would agree that some sort of kindly let-down is better than silence, but you can't legislate for that!

People are human and fallible. Some people will do the decent thing and say they don't want to carry on, others won't. My brother does some OLD and he's been dropped by women who just haven't returned texts or phone calls, even after several dates. On the other hand, he's always been 'decent' and dropped a text to say' Thanks for the evening, enjoyed meeting you, but don't want to go any further, sorry and hope you meet someone.' type of thing.

Maybe some sort of conversation on the first or second date along the lines of 'If this isn't working for you ever, please say so, and I'll understand, rather than just disappearing and leaving me confused' is the best you could hope for.

Some men will chase for sex and be charm personified, some won't. You only know with hindsight.

True. I suppose a fluffy lie would be better than the unpalatable truth that you just didn't do it for them/they're not interested in continuing. However I still think that whatever way you get dropped is a bit rubbish isn't it. But such is life. And sex isn't a contract so if you feel particularly affronted if you're dropped after it well, don't do it next time till you've built some kind of relationship... They do say you get the same lesson over again until you learn it

It's interesting to read all your replies and no, not been in touch at all. Not once.

The honesty I was referring to was as wannaBe said - telling me he wasn't feeling it. As it is I just feel so stupid. Whatever he did or didn't want, or feel, after giving me the impression he liked me, how can there be an excuse for just not talking to me?

I see he's online almost permanently now - he had suspended his profile after the first date.

I just see his smug little face looking at me, with his profile full of how honest and caring he is; how genuine and respectful he is, and how well he treats women and I want to add a tag about my experience.

Thanks for all your advice, I'm definitively a sadder and wiser person now.

don't be sad OP, wiser yes but don't feel sad. It's not about you and he might have handled this badly but doesn't mean he isn't genuine and honest as a person in general. Are you going to take it a bit slower next time? By all means enjoy the flattery but take it with a massive pile of salt and see it for what it is...the courting ritual - not a guarantee of anything as such. Don't let it put you off OLD either...just let the experience modify your approach/response iyswim ....

Btw I love the 'smug little face' comment

*"Of course most, if not all men are like this. In general men will get as much sex as they can. OLD is to blame as everyone can get what they want then move to the next. People become commodities.

Of course unattractive men will have a higher chance of being more 'normal' in that respect."*

HustleRussell that's some of the most awful gender stereotyping I've read in a long time, topped off by a kind of reverse "ugly girls are grateful" bullshit type insult. Nice!

Oh wouldn't OLD be a much much more interesting place if we could leave a "rreview" of dates we went on!

Oh that would be awful!!! I think my DP would leave a review saying "never shuts up and gets drunk on red wine!"

I'm going to ask my DP (who is absolutely lovely and I met 2.5 years ago OLD) what his review would be!

Yes, much slower next time. My ex wasn't one for compliments at all said I looked like Lesley Joseph who is 25 years older than me so I guess I was flattered by all the lovely things he said.

Will proceed with caution. If there is a next time.....

itsallpoop Don't let it get to you its all part of what this OLD is and or has become.

I saw a programme BBC3 i think it was, the other night re Prostitution and in that a lot of the men in that program were thinking that Sex is just a commodity that you can buy just like anything else, sad as that's seems but seemingly there's no shortage of suppliers for that need.

Like dating and mating has been around since Adam and Eve were around and prostitution is the oldest profession the Internet and mobile phone have changed that as never before.

Sign of the times perhaps?.

OP
Hard as it is, let this go. You cannot control another person or their actions. All you can control is your own emotions and behaviour. People behave this way- men and women. It's cowardly but it happens.

TBH if you have got to whatever age you are now and never had a man disappear in a puff of smoke, with no reasons given, count yourself lucky!

You do give the impression that you aren't too savvy with how some men behave or how the dating game works, regardless of whether it's OLD or more traditional ways of meeting and dating.

Just to give you a laugh, I DTD with an old BF who'd been an on and off BF for a few years (when I was late teens/early 20s) and after we'd DTD once I never heard from him again for 35 years!!! His parting shot was 'I'll call you' and I waited 35 years. (We had a pleasant lunch and that was that.)

I'm just a bit surprised you have never met a man like this before now.

Maybe you have to learn a bit more about you. if you are caught up in the thrill of a new man and lust, and want to DTD, ask yourself how you will feel if you go ahead and never ever hear from him again. If you want to jump on his bones anyway, go for it. If you are going to be hurt, the wait longer until you know him better. But you can never guarantee a happy ending, no matter how long you wait.