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Original poster

I've been played, haven't I? OLD related

138 replies

itsallpoop · 18/11/2015 18:30

I am so stupid. I have been played like a right fool and I am so upset and annoyed with myself.

First OLD ever, went amazingly well, and coffee turned into a meal out. Before that we had exchanged literally hundreds of texts over two dsys. He was so bloody nice. Really kind, loads of compliments, funny, charming - everything.

Second date, also brilliant with some heavy duty kissing.

Third date and we DTD. Again, absolutely fantastic, loving, warm, intimate. Just perfect. I floated home, hardly able to believe my luck. After being in a crappy relationship for 3 years, I had a glimmer of happiness.

Since then, almost nothing. The odd text in response to my increasingly desperate ones, but no sign of anything like before at all.

Why do they do it? Why say on a profile you're looking for a relationship when all you want is a shag?

Number deleted now, won't be getting in touch again. Not saddened by this ending before it began, just incredibly sad that I was played for a fool, when I had been so hopeful.

Are all men on OLD like this?

OP posts:

noseynoras · 18/11/2015 21:34

Surely it's nothing to do with OLD but just men?

It's ages since I dated- been married for ages- but this was always a possible outcome with any date wherever you have met. Men (some) will say all sorts to get in your knickers, always have and always will.
I think saying you were played is an over reaction though I sympathise with your hurt.

None of us know why this man doesn't want to see you now. Maybe he thought he was up for a relationship but now he's changed his mind. Maybe he wasn't too keen on you once you'd had that 3rd date. Maybe the sex didn't work for him as much as it did for you. This is no reflection on you at all- just different people feeling and wanting different things. Three dates in, you were surely not wanting commitment?

If having sex for you means you are emotionally involved then maybe hold back until you know the person better - unless you too just want sex and can cope with not seeing the man again.

Original poster

itsallpoop · 18/11/2015 21:44

I can't understand why there may not have been chemistry for him afterwards, he certainly gave the impression there was the potential for relationship to develop over time. But if there wasn't, fair enough.

Surely people should have the decency to at least let people know though, rather than just not reply to texts anymore.

I just don't want to do it anymore. I'd love to meet someone, but this knocked me more than I care to admit.

And honestly, if you'd seen the before texts and heard the lovely things he was saying to me.......

OP posts:

Original poster

itsallpoop · 18/11/2015 21:46

And no, I didn't want committment, just honesty.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsallpoop · 18/11/2015 21:49

threefishys how does Tinder differ from other sites?

OP posts:

DorindaIsStrongerAlone · 18/11/2015 21:53

It was a horrible way to behave towards you OP. Hugely painful. Especially if it felt like the start of something.

There are too many threads with the same experience. Sadly it seems to be a thing. ((hug)) sorry you are feeling bruised by recent events.

fishfingersinmysandwiches · 18/11/2015 22:04

He may not have calculatedly set out to fuck and run (although equally he may have).

I just think that sometimes people can get caught up in lust and anticipation and that it can cloud their judgement. So they're perhaps not sure whether someone is a good fit long term but they think perhaps they could be, and god they're really hot so let's do this. Then the sex happens, the person comes down a bit and begins to think more rationally and sees that perhaps the person is not a good long term fit after all.

Why don't they just say? Because they think however they put it is just going to make them sound like an arsehole, they don't want to get into a possible conflict, they feel bad and just would like it all to go away quietly.

None of that is any reflection on you.

noseynoras · 18/11/2015 22:21

OP When I was dating, ages back, mobile phones and the interweb didn't exist.

I know you are feeling sore and it IS horrible, but (genuine question) have you never experienced this before? I dated from being 14 to 30 when I eventually got married. My ex fiance dumped me after 3 years by just not turning up for a date one night and went to ground for days, not even wanting to speak to me to say he wanted out. That hurt like hell and took me years to get over.

Sadly, it's very very common for some men to behave like this. In my day (ha!) men would say 'Ill ring you' - and never would.

I didn't have sex early on- just didn't- and I'm not judging you. But the fact is that many people - women and men- can't end something kindly- they just go silent.

If this is the only time you've had this happen I can see why you are so hurt, but having a few dates then going cold and not being kind about ending it is how some people behave.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/11/2015 22:27

It's very rude to dump by ghosting, that's true

BUT

Ending things after a shag doesn't mean he was lying, or only looking for a shag. It means he didn't feel like he wanted to continue with you after that point. That's fine, sex doesn't equal a commitment or a relationship and if you only want sex after the commitment you need to wait a lot longer than 3 dates.
I really don't get this narrative that men who go cold after a shag were only after one thing or misrepresenting themselves. Sure, I bet some are - but most are just people who want to have chemistry with the person they are dating, and sometimes they aren't feeling it. That's not a crime.

HustleRussell · 18/11/2015 22:33

Very few women want a casual shag so he is unlikely to say this after 2 dates. He did what he did to get what he wanted.

HustleRussell · 18/11/2015 22:34

Obsidian-Not sure about that in this case. If he really cared he could have at least met a couple more times and let her down gently. Reality was that he was after a lay.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/11/2015 22:40

Met a couple more times? Are you for real? Do you have any dating experience?
If you want to dump someone you would be completely cruel to go on a couple more dates before you do it. It would be excruciating and dishonest to do so. Also - once you have had sex it would be odd to revert to a kiss goodnight - are you suggesting he should have had sex with her a couple more times to soften the blow?

After 3 dates, a text is sufficient to end a "thing" (not even calling it a relationship) yes, even if you have had sex. A phone call would be courteous, a face to face meeting unnecessary and possibly cruel if the dumpee thought they were planning a date and the dumper was planning to dump them.

noseynoras · 18/11/2015 22:44

I think that's unfair. You simply don't know if all he wanted was sex. If anyone has 'early sex' it's always a risk that the other person may end it soon afterwards. That's a risk you take and TBH the OP sounds as if she's not got much experience of dating.

Not everyone is able to let people down gently. They ought to, yes.
But how much more insincere to know after 3 dates that it wasn't for him then pretend for another 2 dates (as you suggest) to ease the let-down. Nooooo!
By that stage it would be 5 dates in and the other person's hopes would have been rising even more.

I also think that anyone doing OLD surely has to take what is on a profile with a sackful of salt. So someone may say they want a relationship- but that doesn't equate to being with you. It means sometime, with someone.

OP you are right to be annoyed, but look on it as a lesson learned. What happened was you were swept off your feet by this guy, you felt an emotional attachment after the sex, but for whatever reason, he didn't feel the same. It is unfair to think it was a premeditated decision by him to woo then dump. Just take things more slowly in future.

Justaboy · 18/11/2015 22:51

itsallpoop I've lost count of the number of threads where all goes well till DTD then its all over:-(

LittleFeileFooFoo · 18/11/2015 22:57

And he didn't even text, so regardless of what he initially wanted or thought he wanted he made a cowardly decision.

Sorry Op,old is a tough slog!

amarmai · 19/11/2015 00:14

time for some shopping therapy and learn from this one not to give up the goods too soon the next time.

Asteria36 · 19/11/2015 00:28

OLD is a minefield. I had a few dates with seemingly lovely guys who turned out only to want a quick shag (which they didn't get!). I then met someone and dated him for a little over 6 months, which was lovely. When I went back online I decided to take a different approach and do Skype dates initially. The very first person to contact me was DH! We skyped practically every day for a month - sometimes for the entire evening after ds had gone to bed. We met, were engaged within 3 months and are not a million miles off our 3rd wedding anniversary!
I would totally recommend Skype for initial dates. If they can't be bothered to get to know you that way then you haven't even had to leave your house to work out that they aren't worth it!!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/11/2015 05:46

A Skype date before a real date is my idea of literal hell. Horses for courses!

BlueBlueBelles · 19/11/2015 06:54

Talking on the phone before a date I hated - I only did it once or twice. Though DP and I did one night when he was a slightly worse for wear and did a bollocks why not moment - we were on the phone two hours. Skype dates would be a huge no no for me too.

niceupthedance · 19/11/2015 07:15

"Not everyone is able to let someone down gently"

Why not? If you flip it round (the old 'don't have sex unless you can cope with them buggering off after') and put it to the 'player' 'don't have sex unless you can cope with dumping them after' things would be more equal and a lot less people blaming themselves. I don't get this excusing poor behaviour shit on here.

niceupthedance · 19/11/2015 07:15

"Not everyone is able to let someone down gently"

HustleRussell · 19/11/2015 07:26

Obsidian-I have plenty of experience thanks.

Zippingupmyboots · 19/11/2015 07:40

I don't think you were necessarily played.

I think it's over excitement and enthusiasm in the early stages which can't be sustained. Then it's down to earth with a bump a few dates in. In your case you had already had sex which may or may not be relevant.

I've done it myself where I have said I want to see the guy again, them gone away and just not felt the same.

You mentioned the lovely texts. Yes a lot of the men do that. They bombard you morning noon and night. But how can he know how wonderful you are? It's ridiculous. Make sure they back off next time otherwise you waste a lot of time. I don't even give my number out any more.

Shinyhappypeople9 · 19/11/2015 07:45

"Why did he put he wanted a relationship"

Because if he had put

"I'm on here to shag as many women as I can in a short space of time"

He probably wouldn't have had many responses.

Men have been lying to get in a woman's pants since time began.

We've all been there (or most). Put it down to first bad OD experience (and it doesn't sound that bad-at least the shag was mutually pleasant). There will be many more of these blokes on these sites. At least you now know that and can date accordingly.

Leviticus · 19/11/2015 08:05

Cracking up at threefishy's description of DTD on the first meeting as a 'slow build'. Brilliant!

wannaBe · 19/11/2015 08:09

I don't get all this excusing of shit behaviour on here. Let's face it, the bloke knows how to be decent when it means he'll get what he wants. He may not have wanted to continue after three dates and a shag, which would be his perogative, but to just shag and run is inexcusable.

Oh and I have someone on my fb feed who posts about all the awful dates he's had from tinder. From what I've read, tinder is like a drive-through, don't go there op.

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