Help with social services and my partner

[Leannecarpenter]

Hi I have been with my partner for around 7 months. My previous partner died in my arms and that knocked me for 6 and effected my parenting which meant social services got involved. I am okay now and doing great but social services have said I cannot see my current partner.

My partner had a bitter break up with his ex partner and though no violence was involved he did get a restraining order and was charged for harrassment which was mainly due to begging to see his child and granted some messages to her were a bit offensive but he was angry and hurting.

We have had one incident at the begining where police were called as we were arguing but nothing come of that and we have since got on great but social services have said because of that we cannot be together. Social services are in the process of taking me to court due to my slip up when my last partber died but I am not too concerned about that as lots of professionals are singing my prayers and I am currently on a parenting programme to etter myself and lifes great its just them not allowing me to see my partner.

I had a plo meeting and they said there I am not to have him at the house or around my children but for months they were fine with him being around and it wasnt until the small incident where police got called due to us shouting but it has only been one occasion and nothing come off it so with my partners charge of harrassment and one police visit can they really stop us being together or take my children if we are caught?

I had a short hiccup and suffered a bad patch of my life and things are great now. Kids are happy im happy and me and my partner want to get married but I need advice as social are saying im not allowed to see him. I have seen his criminal record myself and its just a harrassment charge without violence and one police visit for us both at the start. Is that really enough to stop us being a family?

Hope this makes sense, I ramble on a bit lol

I agree Quint.

Public law outline means the court hearing is an application for a care order

Not necessarily. PLO can be pre-proceedings meaning proceedings can be averted if parents comply with actions agreed in the meeting before action. Proceedings can be issued for a care order, a supervision order or no order.
I'm sure OP is no longer reading this but it's always important to correct misinformation when it's posted on threads like this.

Also agree with Quint some parents are just a lost cause. Every month spent trying to fashion/train/cajole them into being some kind of responsible adult who actually gives a fuck and has even the tiniest understanding of what adequate, minimum standard parenting is, is a another month gone by where their children are being emotionally, if not physically damaged.

The longer it goes on the harder it is to undo.

And, case in point, the OP hasn't been back because no one told her this would all be okay or advised how she could keep this man in her life and her kids, too.

Cooperate with as. My 'mother' took your stance.

Now none of us want anything to do with her. We were all (10 of us) removed.

I hope your children are too if you don't sort this out: better than a brainless stubborn fool who prioritises man of dubious character over own children.

Sorry but which episode /season of OBEM featured a baby being removed from its mother? I didn't see that one, cheers.

Gosh I can't remember. I didn't watch it regularly but in the same episode there was a woman who delivered with her doula whilst two midwives sat downstairs eating biscuits!

I'll Google it, cheers!

I don't think you appreciate the impact that all of this will have on your children.

How long ago did your partner die?
How old are your children?

I was the child in this scenario.

Though I grant that my 'mother' had mental health issues (obviously), it ultimately comes down to:

She chose a man she met in the pub over her existing children.

She would tell you that she had a 'blip' with early visits by S.S. That 'blip' was things like physical violence to the extent she suffocated my younger (then 3 yrs) brother with a plastic bag to stop her husband walking out (he ended up in hospital and has no memory of it, thankfully). She would tell you that her partner (now husband and still the same) was unjustly treated by the law: "Everyone rows" she would say. Yes, but he had form for abusing previous partners.

She'll then tell you that S.S "kidnapped" us. The reality is that, after we were all removed into foster care, she was offered supervised visits with a view to us returning home providing her partner had left. She turned up to about 2, and drunk at that. It was a drawn out process that took about two years until the adoption orders went through.

Words like "blips" and "misunderstood" are minimizing rubbish that disguises the serious psychological effect on the children in the centre of it all. None of us have emerged it from it unscathed. That'll be your children if you don't sort this mess out.

Sorry OP, I'm another who is going to tell you to man the fuck up,

Life has obviously been hard, yes of course it has, BUT as a mother, no one comes before your children. Or at least they shouldn't. Tell him to move out and concentrate on parenting your children. If Social Services are still at your door, then something still isn't right in your household.
And just for your information,
It is very hard to get any kind of harassment recognised in the eyes of the law, VERY hard, so hard in fact, my daughters father harassed me for the best part of four years and the police knew what he was doing, he was harassing me, and my husband but he always kept just on the right side of the law, despite his abuse of us being really quite damaging. It doesn't sound like you have the whole story.
And as for the argument that needed police intervention, Is that really acceptable where there are little people who need to feel safe in the same house?

I genuinely hope you tell him to back off, do this course, what harm can it do? And sort your life out for you and the kids, reintegrate him when you've both worked on yourselves. Your children should come first.

Sorry to hear that Godstopper

i think that this woman and her family where known to SS before her previous partner died....and everything she says is minimised by her mental illness/drug use(it doesnt say this but i bet its an issue)....no mention of how he died......best thing is to have the children taken and any other children she has with the new man....its all about her and her 'good man' who undoubtedly is well known to police and SS).....the children deserve better and they will have a miserable existence (which is all they have had so far) if they stay with her.....if she leaves this guy it will undoubtedly be followed by another 'good man'....this isnt the whole story, sorry if this sounds harsh but in some instances harshness is what is needed!

I really feel for your kids...

They have lost their Dad..You haven't ( as far as I have read ) said how long he died but they need to grieve..They need a parent who for whatever reason has not been parenting properly...These kids do deserve more.

An argument that required the police to be called is not an argument.. It is not normal behaviour to need to call the police...I hope the children weren't their for that.

You need to be on your own to figure out how to parent and then at a later date put a man in their..If he can't cope with your MH .. how do the kids.

It feels like a pointless post though you really don't sound like your kids are your priority

I'm sorry for you, OP. I think you've had a chaotic, difficult life and were probably atrociously parented yourself.

However, the sooner SS take your children away, the better - for their sake. You are not well enough or mature enough to care for them properly.

If losing them shocks you enough for you to get help, go on parenting courses, get rid of the abusive man (he's bound to be a woman-hating abuser, he ticks all the boxes) and learn to stop picking abusive men because they make you feel 'safe' or 'loved' then you may be able to rebuild a relationship with your children. But if you carry on in your current mindset, they are in dreadful danger. Even if this particular arsehole moves on, you will pick another one who is just as bad, because right now you don't know any better.

I've got to be honest this really upset me reading this thread, it's so sad that people value their children so little that they would put a man they've been with seven months over their own children.
When he is thought to be a danger to them. Surely it's instinct to protect your babies from everything you can.
It's so so sad. I woke up this morning and had to give DD the biggest hug this morning.
Shame on you OP.

Op you remind me of a friend who has a baby on a CPP who is calling anyone who disagrees with her relation

I work alongside SS and what you describe sounds quite far down the road. The threshold for SS involvement is very high (in my opinion) so whatever has gone on in the past and with your DP now is obviously concerning them. Focus on your children or things could go very wrong.

OP, I'm a criminal lawyer. I've dealt with many harassment cases. Your partner will almost certainly have received an initial harassment warning. This means that he would have been spoken to by the police, told to stop his behaviour, probably given some informal advice about going through the proper channels to get contact, and then he still carried on with his behaviour. Hence the harassment charge.

Add to that the fact that the police were called early on in your relationship, and there's a picture starting to build of a volatile man who ignores police advice and spurns the proper way of doing things. It sounds like Social Services have entirely valid concerns.

If your children are the most important thing in your life then show it. Separate from your partner, work with Social Services and demonstrate commitment to prioritising the family unit that is you and your children.

If they're not, then feel free to stay with your partner, refuse to take a course because you don't think it's fair, and generally feel hard-done-by.

I know someone who was quite wrongly threatened with the removal of her child due to a matter relating to her husband's health. It was always clear that SS were wrong, and the matter was ultimately resolved in the family's favour, but in the meantime she jumped through every hoop SS held up, including her husband moving out for a time. She put her child first, and she had every right to be saying 'it's not fair' and 'we're being victimised.' But she just got on with doing what needed to be done to keep her child, and worked on the side to resolve the matter through the proper channels.

I'm seriously struggling to see how police being called on an argument is minor. I've had depression, anxiety and hidden eaten disorders that my dp of just under 10 years found out about a whole into our relationship. It Involved hugging and crying not screaming, shouting and police. Please be aware
That abusers target the vulnerable and take advantage of an hysterical bonding effect. You were and are a prime target for an abuser and someone who harassed their partner rather than going through legal channels is the sort of personality capable of abuse.