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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help with social services and my partner

146 replies

Leannecarpenter · 16/11/2015 21:40

Hi I have been with my partner for around 7 months. My previous partner died in my arms and that knocked me for 6 and effected my parenting which meant social services got involved. I am okay now and doing great but social services have said I cannot see my current partner.

My partner had a bitter break up with his ex partner and though no violence was involved he did get a restraining order and was charged for harrassment which was mainly due to begging to see his child and granted some messages to her were a bit offensive but he was angry and hurting.

We have had one incident at the begining where police were called as we were arguing but nothing come of that and we have since got on great but social services have said because of that we cannot be together. Social services are in the process of taking me to court due to my slip up when my last partber died but I am not too concerned about that as lots of professionals are singing my prayers and I am currently on a parenting programme to etter myself and lifes great its just them not allowing me to see my partner.

I had a plo meeting and they said there I am not to have him at the house or around my children but for months they were fine with him being around and it wasnt until the small incident where police got called due to us shouting but it has only been one occasion and nothing come off it so with my partners charge of harrassment and one police visit can they really stop us being together or take my children if we are caught?

I had a short hiccup and suffered a bad patch of my life and things are great now. Kids are happy im happy and me and my partner want to get married but I need advice as social are saying im not allowed to see him. I have seen his criminal record myself and its just a harrassment charge without violence and one police visit for us both at the start. Is that really enough to stop us being a family?

Hope this makes sense, I ramble on a bit lol

OP posts:

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:59

Normal people do not get prosecuted for harassment for sending texts about their kids btw.

He has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt to have, in a repeated manner, behaved in a way that was designed to cause his ex fear and distress.

That is what a conviction for harassment means.

It is difficult to get a conviction for harassment and you are seriously minimising his behaviour.

queenofthepirates · 17/11/2015 00:00

For goodness sake, it doesn't matter if he's right or wrong, you will lose your kids if you don't do as you are told-do you understand that? Lose them, forever. No birthdays, no smiles, no cuddles, no kisses, no Christmas and the hole they will leave will NEVER be filled by a man.

Get up and start acting like a parent. Life has been awful to you but it will get a whole lot worse if you lose your babies now grow up and stop this relationship until SS are out of your lives and you finish these courses.

Serioussteve · 17/11/2015 00:00

You really need to see a solicitor specialising in family law to ascertain your legal position and probability of keeping your children if you defy SS.

stitchglitched · 17/11/2015 00:03

I'm surprised you have the energy to be fighting for this relationship. If I thought I might lose my children I would have no other focus but jumping through every hoop they told me to, I certainly wouldn't have the headspace for anything else. Where are your priorities?

AdjustableWench · 17/11/2015 00:08

Maybe your partner isn't a bad man. But he has done a bad thing. Behaviour tends to be habitual: people tend to behave the way they've behaved before. So SS are right to be concerned about the risks (rather than seeing his harassing behaviour as a one-off event, as you do).

You also need to be honest with yourself about the 'blip' in your own parenting. It's great that things are better now, but you need to admit that even one blip can be damaging and you need to protect your children from any possibility of future blips. This has to be your priority if you want to keep your children.

This isn't the right time for love (with a man). This is a time for rebuilding your children's safety. There can be love in the future, maybe even with this man. But not at the moment.

anothernumberone · 17/11/2015 00:08

Maybe I missed this but how recent is your bereavement? Could it be that you are still grieving and your judgement is affected? I think it can be difficult to make big decisions from that vantage point.

Maybe he is lovely, maybe he has changed from after his breakup but you still have to meet with social services requirements. Their concern is genuinely for the children, not specifically for you and the children, because you are an adult and can make your own choices, but for the children. They think it is better for them to be out of this situation. They have offered you alternatives that allow the relationship to continue which you should consider.

It all does sound very harsh on you because of what you have been through but your children have been through an awful lot as well and they are vulnerable.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 17/11/2015 00:13

OP do you want to keep your children? If so, how much?

INickedAName · 17/11/2015 00:19

You say you know each other well. So he will know what a horrid time you had after your dp died, he will know how hard it was for you to start getting back on your feet. He will know your children have been through a lot, if he really is a good man and wants the best for you and your dc, he will put his own feelings aside and end the relationship. Because if he has any love for you he couldn't continue the relationship knowing it would be the cause of you losing your dc.

He knows your children have lost their Dad, would he also be ok to continue the relationship knowing it would make children who have already been through a lot, lose their mum too? The fact he knows the heartbreak of being denied his children makes me wonder why he'd not be doing everything in his power to make sure you are not out through the same.

If it's meant to be and social services have said if you both do courses, then it would only be a temp split? Keeping your children surely is worth that? I know he isn't your dc parent and it's you who is responsible for them, but what type of man continues a relationship knowing it could split the family they want to be part of up?

You need to do what social services tell you, and if you are not strong enough to end it, then he should step up and do it if he cares for you and your dc.

NanaNina · 17/11/2015 00:31

Well you have a choice Leanne - you can stick with your partner and lose your children. I am a retired social worker and believe me there has to be evidence that the social workers put before the court, and they would not be at PLO stage unless they were sure they had the evidence.

What was the slip up you made with your deceased partner. And why would social services be taking you to court. The only way they take people to court is for safeguarding issues with children. If you choose to stay with your partner, the local authority have to see if there is anyone in the extended family who can care for the children. What about their father - would he want to care for them? I don't know how old they are but if they are under 5 and there is no one in the family to care for them, they would be placed for adoption.

Someone has mentioned a solicitor. The problem there is that you are not entitled to legal aid until the LA have initiated care proceedings, which they haven't done at this stage.

NanaNina · 17/11/2015 00:33

Sorry Leanne I've just realised your deceased partner was the father of the children.

goddessofsmallthings · 17/11/2015 01:37

I know whats what but I was just asking for advice to prove to social that are relationship isnt detramental to my children

No one here can give you the advice you're looking for as SS have told you what you and he need to do before they will countenance him being around your dc.

Regardless of whether you, or anyone else, think this is unfair, that's the deal and you are best advised to sign up for it and prove that you are a responsible parent who puts your dcs' welfare and wellbeing before your own.

Please don't make the mistake of believing that you can sneak him in and out of your home at night, or at any other time, without detection as I was involved in a case where a woman had her 4 dc taken into care and her newborn twins were removed at birth because she mistakenly thought she could pull the wool over SS's eyes.

FixItUpChappie · 17/11/2015 02:12

"Hiccup", "slip up"

"bad after bad relationship" - SS advise you they see a pattern

Moved a boyfriend into your house, into your children's lives, now want to marry him all in the span of 7 months despite a police record of criminal harassment

Your children have suffered upheaval and trauma

You've had SS involvement due to parenting neglect which has been made worse by mental health issues.

You wonder what they will do if you get "caught"

...and these are only the things you've chosen to mention in a few brief posts

You lack insight OP

FixItUpChappie · 17/11/2015 02:40

I implore you not to flame an "us against them" fantasy. The "us" should be you and the kids with no interlopers.

Do you and your children have counselling OP to help you sort through how each of you feels about this situation?

ohtheholidays · 17/11/2015 03:35

OP you mentioned about the courses your social worker wanted you both to do.If your both willing to do those courses I'd get intouch with your social worker and talk to her about them ask if you'd still be able to do them.

It must have been a horrible shock to have had your partner die like that in front of you,I'm not surprised you struggled and needed some help afterwards I should imagine it would have been the same for most of us.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 17/11/2015 03:35

Ow did your partner die and how long ago? How old are your children now?

Were there any drugs or violent circumstances? Was your family already known to SS before your partners death?

lunar1 · 17/11/2015 04:11

You sound like you are in denial that you could actually lose your children here. Please don't take that risk. If ss are asking him to do a course then why isn't he doing it? That says a lot about him.

mathanxiety · 17/11/2015 05:19

You don't have a leg to stand on. A conviction for harassment isn't something done lightly. There has been one subsequent police call to your home because you and he were 'arguing'. You have a history of making bad choices in relationships.

Do exactly what SS are telling you to do.

You have to choose between your children or your BF.

Which is it going to be? It can't be both.

Elllicam · 17/11/2015 05:33

You don't seem to be talking much about your children, it's all been about him. I think you may have to pick your priority.

mummytime · 17/11/2015 06:46

Everything in your posts has been about you or your partner . You have said very very little about your children. How are they? What do they think or feel about all of this? How has it affected them?
What do you do with them?
How much do you love them?

Do you really know they are "happy"? Children can do a good job of hiding their true feelings, especially to a parent who they do not fully trust any more.

If you truly loved them you would put them first.

And any really worthwhile partner would understand that.

LIZS · 17/11/2015 07:15

You have lost perspective. Maybe due to the trauma of losing your partner suddenly, maybe due to other MH issues but you really need to trust the judgement of SS as you don't seem to be in a position to make sensible choices yourself. You are vulnerable, he has history of harrassment and is unable to cope with your MH. Do you really think now is a good time to bring him into your DC lives? Please listen to others. If you don't comply with their advice you could lose your DC. Where do they feature in your priorities, can you really safeguard their welfare while seeing this man, are they not already emotionally vulnerable having lost their father(?) and your issues less than a year ago? Put them first and ask for support with your own MH, self esteem and confidence issues.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/11/2015 07:16

What a desperately sad and worrying thread. I suspect the op will not listen because we are not saying what she wants to hear

Offred · 17/11/2015 07:17

when he went to court for his child cafcass and the court deemed the perpetrators course unnecessary as he wasnt violent,

He hasn't got a criminal conviction for abusing his child. Unfortunately courts are known to be poor in recognising the link between abuse of the parent and subsequent abuse of children. They didn't orders perpetrator course because he doesn't have a history of child abuse. They want one now because he does have a history of abusing women.

Lweji · 17/11/2015 07:25

Your children have already lost one parent.
Do you want them to lose the other too?

7 months for a relationship is nothing, even if you knew him before, and the police has already been called on you. Did your children witness it? Who called the police and why? People don't call the police for shouting (even trigger happy MNetters).

lougle · 17/11/2015 07:32

Your 'partner' is not a good man. How can I be so sure?

Because a good man would hear the message from SS and be so concerned for your happiness and wellbeing that he would walk away. He would tell you that you needed to concentrate on the children.

You need to concentrate on your children.

iwannadancewithsomebody · 17/11/2015 07:32

If your partner is the decent man you claim him to be, why isn't he taking a step back and encouraging you to do what's best for your children?

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