Help with social services and my partner

[Leannecarpenter]

Hi I have been with my partner for around 7 months. My previous partner died in my arms and that knocked me for 6 and effected my parenting which meant social services got involved. I am okay now and doing great but social services have said I cannot see my current partner.

My partner had a bitter break up with his ex partner and though no violence was involved he did get a restraining order and was charged for harrassment which was mainly due to begging to see his child and granted some messages to her were a bit offensive but he was angry and hurting.

We have had one incident at the begining where police were called as we were arguing but nothing come of that and we have since got on great but social services have said because of that we cannot be together. Social services are in the process of taking me to court due to my slip up when my last partber died but I am not too concerned about that as lots of professionals are singing my prayers and I am currently on a parenting programme to etter myself and lifes great its just them not allowing me to see my partner.

I had a plo meeting and they said there I am not to have him at the house or around my children but for months they were fine with him being around and it wasnt until the small incident where police got called due to us shouting but it has only been one occasion and nothing come off it so with my partners charge of harrassment and one police visit can they really stop us being together or take my children if we are caught?

I had a short hiccup and suffered a bad patch of my life and things are great now. Kids are happy im happy and me and my partner want to get married but I need advice as social are saying im not allowed to see him. I have seen his criminal record myself and its just a harrassment charge without violence and one police visit for us both at the start. Is that really enough to stop us being a family?

Hope this makes sense, I ramble on a bit lol

The threshold for a harassment charge is really quite high. My ex was harassing me. He stalked me in person, over the net, by hacking my email and social media, through third parties when he was too far away to do it himself, with malicious police and SS reports and with flurries of texts, emails and solicitors letters. He didn't meet the threshold for charges to be brought. When the police visited me, they immediately discounted any communication from him which mentioned our joint children. Even the ones that were a stream of bile and threats and ended with "tell the kids they'll be living with daddy soon", because that mentioned the DC so could be construed as about contact.

So, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that your new partner was charged with harassment just for sending a few messages saying he wanted contact with his child. He isn't telling you the whole story. He is victim blaming and minimising and you are not in a place to recognise that for what it is. That will be a large part of what is concerning SS right now. They are taking the step of the PLO to protect your children because you cannot see that you are putting them at risk.

It's really simple. You need to stop seeing him or you run a real risk of losing your children.

Whatever happened after your parter died must have been bad if it has got to the stage that you're being taken to court. It is also really not normal that the police were called after an argument- it must have been serious. Were your children present?

Your children watched their father die in their mothers arms?

Their mother had a breakdown after their dads death?

Their mother has mental health problems?

Their mother had introduced a man with a criminal past into their lives within a very short time period?

The mother & BF had such a loud row that police have been called?

Any child could be traumatised by any one of these things. Put it all together and think about how it feels to be in your dc's shoes. Their sense of safety and trust in the adult left to protect them must be rock solid or they WILL be damaged as adults and they WILL hate you for this. Believe me, I'm an adult with the legacy of an abusive childhood.

Seriously, your poor kids.

Fwiw (not that you give a fuck I know) you sound completely self absorbed.

'We just want to be a family' .... If he did the course.... But why should he?!

You would actually risk losing your poor children, than have a break from your 'new' boyfriend? And ask him to do the course?

You're mad. HTH.

At best, OP you are displaying signs of disordered thinking. Stop and reflect, what is your priority here?

Keeping your DC has to be more important than everything else. More than your relationship, more than fighting against your social workers and 'the system'.

If you have reached the point of court proceedings then your actions and attitude to date are not helping your cause.

Time to make a change. Before it's too late.

Hurt isn't just physic, you realise? He did hurt his ex and kids, by harassing them. He is hurting your kids, by perpetuating this. He is hurting you by not helping you with this.

physical

I don't know you. I don't know your DP. I don't know your DC.

But if SS are TELLING you that to keep your DC safe and well and in a family home with you, then you need to stop seeing someone, then that's what you need to do.

Don't whine. Don't shout about how unfair it is. Do what you need to do, and then you have a chance of moving forward in the future, when SS have trust in your parenting.

Nothing and nobody would stop me from putting my DC first. And even if I didn't agree with what SS thought, I would do what they said because there's no way any man is worth losing my DC for.

I am sorry for your loss . This is probably affecting your thinking. Step back and see what you are being advised, and the outcome of ignoring it. Don't lose any more in your life.

Your children have lost their dad and now there is a very real risk they can lose their mum too. Is he worth it?!

Id i was in your position i would move heaven and earth to ensure my kids stayed with me. If that meant never setting eyes on a man again then so be it.

please dump him, get some councelling as it sounds like you need it, focus on giving your children a happy and safe home life, get through the dealings with SS, get some self esteem.

You've got years to find a man. Your time to have your children may be limited.

Bit of free advice I was a social worker for 23 years. Are you sure you know everything about your dp? Ss usually have very good reasons for having a plo meeting.you should get a letter and minutes setting out all concerns, speak to a solicitor and you may be able to take one with you. In common with other posters I would say it is a major error to persist in dp have g contact with your dc against ss advice and don't be tempted to do it in secret you will more than likely be found out and not trusted
Ss aren't looking for work so listen carefully, the plo meeting will or should be clear on what you need to do to avoid care proceedings, listen to the information carefully . If you are determined to continue seeing dp stick to rules about nc with dc and get him to do the work to change and demonstrate he is not a risk. Bottom line who do you want to live with dc or dp?

OP I Doubt you'll read this but have you read what a PLO is? You are at real risk of losing your kids. SS are very concerned and it sounds rightly so, you're not protecting them from abuse. If police were called (where were the kids?) that is serious. And as someone pointed out to be convicted of harassment your boyfriend would have been seriously threatening. It sounds like his ex did the right thing.

This story with his ex has two sides, in fairness. However, whatever the truth of the matter is, his presence in your life is clearly toxic, so just get rid of him if you really want to retain custody of your children.

Move heaven and hell to ensure you don't lose your children.

erm, why?

The woman is in love, there is nothing wrong with this man in her view, she is keen to have this man in her life, she wants to get married, cant see anything wrong with police visits, ss involvement and harassment, and she thinks her children "love" him after just a couple of months, how deluded can she be?

Why on earth should she be encouraged to "fight" for her children? In whose interest is this fight?

Dont these children deserve growing up without neglect and the whirlwind of love and loss and neglect and new romance?

Clearly she is not that keen on providing a stable environment for her kids and put them first, so perhaps somebody else can?

I'm yet another person saying that this is serious and you could lose your children (I know children who have been adopted because of their mother's refusal to leave a relationship that put them at risk). However, what I came onto the thread to say is that I hope your username isn't in any way similar to your RL name and, if it is, get MN to change it fast.

It seems fairly clear that the op's boyfriend isn't prepared to go on a course to help her and the children. I imagine that is why the op has posted and is scrabbling around for other options. It says a lot about him and is why she should walk away now.

One of the women on One Born Every Minute had to give up her baby immediately as she wouldn't end the relationship with its father and had lost several other children the same way. Once I'd got over my incredulity at the fucking selfishness of the stupid cow, I reassured myself that the babies would be going to couples desperate to be parents.

Put your children first or you'll lose them. Nobody is worth losing your babies over. Nobody!

Just to add, Social Services will be aware of a lot more information about your ex than they can share with you.

If they are asking you not to see him anymore they will have very good reasons for doing so.

You have to prioritise either your relationship with him or your relationship with your children.

You cannot do both.

Not one person has said it will be ok, please please listen.

You met 7 months ago, have had issues already, police involvement, he harassed his ex, ss don't want you being together yet you are in a rush to get married? Sloooow down - for your kids if nothing else.

Op I am going to make 2 points, they both sound harsh but they are true.
1 I am 40 years old and have never had an argument that required police intervention, if the police have to be called your relationship is not right.
2 if your partner is a good man and is aware that you may lose your kids because of him he will leave. No good person would allow their partner to lose their kids if the situation can be resolved by them leaving.

If someone was to be optimistic then if you want to be together forever and love conquers all, then what's the harm in doing the courses? Why is that a problem? At worst you jump through a hoop. At best you learn something and get SS blessing.
This refusal to consider that you can gain something from the process is in itself a concern.

Oh jeez I posted without rtft and it's even worse than it seemed from the op.

What is the issue with you doing the courses that have been recommended if it means you could get to keep your children?

Were SS aware of your family prior to your partner dying or does it all stem from the issues you had in the aftermath of that?

It's very concerning that the issues early on in your relationship which resulted in a huge row and police being called is blamed on your mental health. Is this what he has told you? That it was your fault because of mental health issues you have?

Was this row witnessef by any of your children or were any of them in the house at the same time?

You need to realise just how close you are to losing your children forever. They have already lost one parent. How can you risk them losing you too? Your posts are mainly about how unfair you find it all and your new boyfriend of 7 months rather than what your children have been and are going through.

Just from what you have said, and I'm sure there's much much more we don't know about, SD have every right to be concerned. They are doing exactly what you should be doing - putting your children first.

*social services

It's so sad to read this.

I'm sorry about your loss, that must have been awful.

But this new situation is something you've chosen to create, not something that is happening to you.

A familiar pattern: minimise events and pretend they're normal and 'could happen to anyone'. Ignore the huge amount of advice and options offered to you. The whole thwarted love story thing, where 'he's just misunderstood/ worlds against him/ no one understands him like I do' thing, and the anger when no one else seems that impressed with the 'two of us against the world' mentality. Then the objection of 'why should I' and 'it's not fair' as an excuse not to engage with agencies or prove you can meet your children's basic needs. And no awareness that the excuses, minimising, 'facts' that keep changing and shuffled around, all demonstrate the lack of ability to be a good parent. And then the shock and horror when the consequence that you were warned and warned and warned about finally comes to pass. Then the cycle of 'hard done by' excuses starts all over again...

You may think it's all coincidence and stuff happening that's out of your control. But the reality is it's a well worn path that authorities see time and again. No romantic love story. No 'it's different this time', and no more excuses. And later, I'm pretty sure there will be no miscarriage of justice. Just a parent who can't see or meet her children's needs.

I hope you are capable of seeing your children as vulnerable dependent beings that need you.

This is the real love story, of a child and his mother. I hope you can become as interested in those bonds of love with the same dedication you seem to be showing another adult.