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Original poster

Help with social services and my partner

146 replies

Leannecarpenter · 16/11/2015 21:40

Hi I have been with my partner for around 7 months. My previous partner died in my arms and that knocked me for 6 and effected my parenting which meant social services got involved. I am okay now and doing great but social services have said I cannot see my current partner.

My partner had a bitter break up with his ex partner and though no violence was involved he did get a restraining order and was charged for harrassment which was mainly due to begging to see his child and granted some messages to her were a bit offensive but he was angry and hurting.

We have had one incident at the begining where police were called as we were arguing but nothing come of that and we have since got on great but social services have said because of that we cannot be together. Social services are in the process of taking me to court due to my slip up when my last partber died but I am not too concerned about that as lots of professionals are singing my prayers and I am currently on a parenting programme to etter myself and lifes great its just them not allowing me to see my partner.

I had a plo meeting and they said there I am not to have him at the house or around my children but for months they were fine with him being around and it wasnt until the small incident where police got called due to us shouting but it has only been one occasion and nothing come off it so with my partners charge of harrassment and one police visit can they really stop us being together or take my children if we are caught?

I had a short hiccup and suffered a bad patch of my life and things are great now. Kids are happy im happy and me and my partner want to get married but I need advice as social are saying im not allowed to see him. I have seen his criminal record myself and its just a harrassment charge without violence and one police visit for us both at the start. Is that really enough to stop us being a family?

Hope this makes sense, I ramble on a bit lol

OP posts:
whatdoIget · 17/11/2015 07:40

As iwannadance says above, any decent person would insist that you stop seeing each other so you DON'T LOSE YOUR CHILDREN. If your boyfriend doesn't care enough to leave you alone and do the perpetrators course, then he obviously doesn't care much.
How are you going to feel when your kids are in foster care with God knows who, and you're alone with some bloke you've been seeing a few months. What if he finds someone else and you split up? You'll have nothing then.
You really need to do what SS say, whether you agree with them or not. Be honest with yourself.

toastyarmadillo · 17/11/2015 07:52

You will loose your children if you don't see sense and toe the line with social services. If your partner was genuinely the awesome guy you claim he is, there would be no debate here, he would put your children first and end it himself wouldn't he.

This really isn't going to end well op!

robinofsherwood · 17/11/2015 08:03

If social services have said they will be ok with the relationship if you both go on courses then you already know what you can do to keep both the relationship and your children. If it's him refusing to do the course because 'why should he' then ask yourself why he's not prepared to put himself out to stop you losing your children. It's not why should he, but what possible reason is there not to.

Francoitalialan · 17/11/2015 08:12

I suspect the OP won't come back

MammaTJ · 17/11/2015 08:14

He is never a violebt or agressive person and yes he persued his ex to see his child, what parent wouldnt?

But there are ways of doing this without a harassment charge, he would have been better to use those!

I really think there is an awful lot more to this that either you know or are telling us.

SS do not go down this route for no good reason!

Fairylea · 17/11/2015 08:15

7 months in is the honeymoon stage. It's all hearts and flowers and being in love. The whole being in love thing is as near to insanity as it gets. And it does wear off to something else as time goes on and I can guarantee you'll regret losing your kids for this short term feeling of "love".

I have an ex I nearly reported for harassment. He tells everyone I cheated on him and stopped him seeing dd. Reality was he was controlling arsehole and I'd left him long before I started to see someone else. You really only know one side of the story.

Offred · 17/11/2015 08:18

Yes, I reported my ex for harassment. They only prosecute if they have warned you to stop and you don't.

He was also telling everyone I had cheated and was stopping him seeing his DC.

In reality he had never been interested in DC, he was the one cheating and he needed to have an excuse not to see DC.

Court in subsequent contact case ruled I had never been obstructive and he was a liar.

He stopped harassing me after the police spoke to him. Your BF clearly didn't stop.

CupofBoo · 17/11/2015 08:18

You're going to lose your kids over this man and I really hope your username isn't your real name.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 17/11/2015 08:22

Get rid of the bloke and focus on your children.

You have been given a stark choice by SS. Make the right one.

If SS came to me right now and said it was DH or my DDs, I wouldnt hesitate, not for a second. Its that simple.

Zippingupmyboots · 17/11/2015 08:24

He wouldn't have had a 'restraining order' or harassment charge for sending texts about his child. It would have been more serious than that.

DoreenLethal · 17/11/2015 08:24

A lovely man would back off right now and leave you and your kids be.

Lucidlady · 17/11/2015 08:28

I think you need to cooperate with social services. A bunch of strangers on the Internet cannot help you with this - you NEED to listen to SS and work with them.

Fallout4fan · 17/11/2015 09:16

So you've actually been given a way out of this situation so you can be a family but your BF doesn't see why he should do the course?!
Well there's your answer there then!!
If you can't see what's staring you in the face then you will lose your kids and the social are not the problem...he is!!

Fallout4fan · 17/11/2015 09:17

AF is right, there's just no helping some people...

expatinscotland · 17/11/2015 09:36

Jesus wept. Some people really put themselves and their own needs above those of their children. This is classic 'cock before kids'. 7 months in is nothing. But I think AF is right. Poor kids.

Wotsitsareafterme · 17/11/2015 09:53

Public law outline means the court hearing is an application for a care order.
Your partner is a risk. Sort your priorities out you sound all over the place.

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 17/11/2015 10:08

Yeah OP he would have been given a restraining order for sending texts! Hmm

Men like him do not usually begin to show their true colours until about a year in, this is proven again & again on boards on here. He is not yet showing you the man he is. But he will. And then it will be too late for your children.

If you are not willing to stop seeing him then you are not making decisions with your childrens' best interests in mind. What kind of a mother are you?!

TheCarpenter · 17/11/2015 10:23

Good lord, ex was 'abusing her powers as a mother'. Maybe she was putting her children first, try it why don't you.

A relationship of 7 months over your children?
You're acting like a bad mother.

Your children have lost their father, had the trauma of an incident serious enough to warrant a court case against their mother by social services, had a new man introduced in to their lives, had that man and their mother having an argument so bad he police attended.

Start working with social services and sort yourself out.

Joysmum · 17/11/2015 10:34

My social worker has said if I do a pattern changing course and ny partner a perpertrators cpurse then we can be together but when he went to court for his child cafcass and the court deemed the perpetrators course unnecessary as he wasnt violent, so why should he be made to do one now? Why cant we just be together

You can be together.

You've been told what you both need to do to be together so why won't you?

I'm utterly go smacked either of you would raise a point of principle on you both doing a course Confused

Just do the courses and keep going to that parenting course too because you've still clearly got a way to go before you're thinking like a good parent.

Francoitalialan · 17/11/2015 10:38

I'm astonished at the minimising. What sort of a "blip" in the way that you were looking after your children involved SS?

Why would a row involve the police?????!

Why would you be interested in someone whose communication with the mother of his child was so offensive she got a restraining order?

Luxyelectro · 17/11/2015 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mum2mum99 · 17/11/2015 10:56

Waow Red flag is written on this man forehead. If after 7 months he is already showing this behaviour it is likely to escalate. Run! You are worth so much more than this abusive man.
Really not worth loosing the kids over him.
Stop burying your head under the sand.
From the article Abuser tricks
www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks
'An abuser will blame others for all problems or for the abuser's own shortcomings. Someone is always out to get the abuser or is an obstacle to the abuser's achievements. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything.'
I am sure this feels a bit blunt OP. Take care Flowers

redexpat · 17/11/2015 10:59

Who wouldnt harrass their ex to see the kids? An adult who knows how to behave appropriately. If his was unfairly witholding contact he could have gone through the courts to get a contact order. Did they go to mediation? He didnt do it just once. He ws told to stop his behaviour and didnt, which is why he has a harrassment charge. He does not know how to behave appropriately. Is that someone you want around your kids?

redexpat · 17/11/2015 11:02

And actually you seem to think thats its normal behaviour in those circumstances too, which tells me that you dont know what appropriate behaviour looks like.

Lweji · 17/11/2015 11:19

Starting to think that it's best if you don't do the courses and your children are taken to a family who actually cares about them...

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