Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help with social services and my partner

146 replies

Leannecarpenter · 16/11/2015 21:40

Hi I have been with my partner for around 7 months. My previous partner died in my arms and that knocked me for 6 and effected my parenting which meant social services got involved. I am okay now and doing great but social services have said I cannot see my current partner.

My partner had a bitter break up with his ex partner and though no violence was involved he did get a restraining order and was charged for harrassment which was mainly due to begging to see his child and granted some messages to her were a bit offensive but he was angry and hurting.

We have had one incident at the begining where police were called as we were arguing but nothing come of that and we have since got on great but social services have said because of that we cannot be together. Social services are in the process of taking me to court due to my slip up when my last partber died but I am not too concerned about that as lots of professionals are singing my prayers and I am currently on a parenting programme to etter myself and lifes great its just them not allowing me to see my partner.

I had a plo meeting and they said there I am not to have him at the house or around my children but for months they were fine with him being around and it wasnt until the small incident where police got called due to us shouting but it has only been one occasion and nothing come off it so with my partners charge of harrassment and one police visit can they really stop us being together or take my children if we are caught?

I had a short hiccup and suffered a bad patch of my life and things are great now. Kids are happy im happy and me and my partner want to get married but I need advice as social are saying im not allowed to see him. I have seen his criminal record myself and its just a harrassment charge without violence and one police visit for us both at the start. Is that really enough to stop us being a family?

Hope this makes sense, I ramble on a bit lol

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 23:22

it doesn't matter who "has him wrong"

you are where you are...if you continue this relationship it is likely you will lose your children no matter how much you and him think it is unfair

there are procedures to protect children, and I am glad of it

if you have come this far along that road there are good reasons for it

now if you won't listen to anyone here or in RL, you are going to end up like him...losing residence of your kids

then there will be just you and him where you can bellyache to your heart's content..just you. And him.

If that's ok with you, carry on walking your own road.

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:22

And SS are not punishing either of you. They are trying to protect your kids from harm.

You seriously need to face that fact.

stitchglitched · 16/11/2015 23:23

At this stage it doesn't actually matter whether he was unfairly charged. SS believe him to be a risk and you are in danger of losing your children so your only consideration needs to be who you will chose. Your new boyfriend of 7 months or your kids? You can't have both.

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:28

Seriously, if you don't comply with what they said at the PLO then you are very close to losing those children.

Finallyonboard · 16/11/2015 23:31

They are concerned for a reason and you are being asked to prioritise the needs and wellbeing of your DC. You need to be protective and if you don't, there is a real risk, particularly if you're already in care proceedings that you could lose your children.

You have time to avoid this. Leave your partner,prioritise your children, evidence how you're meeting their needs and promoting their wellbeing, work closely with your professional support network and make sure you undertake some healthy relationship courses so you make better choices in the future.

Good luck.

sonnyson12 · 16/11/2015 23:34

Please take in the advice you are being given, it is the reason you posted.

YOU ARE IN VERY REAL DANGER OF LOSING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILDREN. and i hate it when people post in capitals!

I have been in your boyfriends position of being denied a relationship with my child, I have seen and read of many a non-molestation order being granted when a parent was desperate to just see their child.

But knowing that was enough for me, I took the professional advice and legal route, to be charged with harassment is a massive warning sign, hence the situation you are faced with due to your own case history.

Take the advice, please.

Joysmum · 16/11/2015 23:38

Sweat heart this isn't about him, at least not atm.

This is about your kids, you should be putting their needs first and not putting them at risk of losing you. That's what good parents do.

Let me put it this way, DH and I are very happy, 22 years on and no problems. But if there was anything that happened that meant that SS told either of us we'd have to ditch the other of Lise our daughter, of course we'd be heartbroken but we'd do it.

Our daughter comes before everything and everybody. That's the way it should be.

Original poster
Leannecarpenter · 16/11/2015 23:39

Yes he is. He harrassed his ex to see his child. That does not make him a bad or dangerous person. He just wanted to be a dad and have been labelled so.ething he is not for doing so. Yes he went the wrong way about it granted but he is not a bad person.

When my previous partner died infront of me and my children I went down hill and have since had help with this but due to the way I became at the time social are involved.

I just wanted to know if I had a leg to stand on. My social worker has said if I do a pattern changing course and ny partner a perpertrators cpurse then we can be together but when he went to court for his child cafcass and the court deemed the perpetrators course unnecessary as he wasnt violent, so why should he be made to do one now? Why cant we just be together? And no I yave known him all my life.

OP posts:
Smorgasboard · 16/11/2015 23:40

This argument "at the beginning" where police were called, was it with the children present? How do you even want to carry on dating someone, that you had such a bad argument with, so that you needed the police? That was the moment you should of split, right at that first argument.

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:43

Try looking at it from their perspective for a moment...

He has a criminal conviction for harassment.

You have in the past failed to manage your parenting responsibilities.

You have been together for just 7 months and you have already had the police out and are planning a wedding...

Do you not see why they would be concerned?

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:45

The fact you don't want to comply with their reasonable requests is only going to make them more concerned.

Rhinosaurus · 16/11/2015 23:45

No you haven't got a leg to stand on.

He can be made to do a perpetrators course because you are one step away from having your children removed, you have both also had a row so bad the police had to come, yet still you are not considering how frightening that must be for your children, who have also suffered a bereavement. And still minimising hugely.

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:46

Were there DV/child protection issues with you and the partner who died?

Original poster
Leannecarpenter · 16/11/2015 23:46

Its just hard because I love him. I have jad bad after bad relationships and this is the first good one I have had. My kids love him and so do I. I know he wpuldnt hurt me or my kids and I feel safe with him. Is there anything I can do so I can have the best of both worlds???

OP posts:
CremeBrulee · 16/11/2015 23:47

It doesn't matter if he is a living Saint that walks on water on a regular basis. You need to prioritise your parental duty to your children and end this 7 month fling relationship. Now.

It might be unfair (though it sounds like you are minimising massively) but you need to suck it up for your kids.

Do you realise how serious this situation is and that will lose them of you carry on as you are?

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:48

You don't know he wouldn't hurt you.

You don't know that at all and neither do SS.

Especially if you have had a series of bad relationships and are jumping in so quickly with a man who has a record for harassing an ex partner and where the police have been out in your relationship.

Finallyonboard · 16/11/2015 23:48

You seem to have made up your mind. I'm not sure why you've bothered to ask for advice!

anothernumberone · 16/11/2015 23:49

OP no one gets a restraining order put in place because they want to see their children. You are almost admitting that in your last post. He was harassing someone. Yes it was a stressful time for him but that is when most people behave badly isn't it?

The thing is his past behaviour has warranted social services thinking he is not safe to be around your children and that is where things are at. You wish that was not the case, I get that, but it is the case. You need to proceed carefully or you risk losing your children which is obviously a damn sight more important to you than a relatively short term relationship.

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:49

You are being very very unfair to your kids getting them so involved with a BF of 7 months that you describe them as 'loving him'...

I think you could barely know whether you love each other in that time...

Offred · 16/11/2015 23:53

And they have told you how to have 'the best of both worlds'...

By splitting up and doing the required courses...

You don't want to do that for some reason.

Original poster
Leannecarpenter · 16/11/2015 23:55

I know whats what but I was just asking for advice to prove to social that are relationship isnt detramental tp my children. I know him well, alot longer than 7 months and im telling you he is a lovely man who went through a hard time having had his life and daughter ripped from him and his ex since abusing her powers as mother and denying him contact as I see alot of women doing. Its no wonder he got angry and sent her floods of texts asking about his child.

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 16/11/2015 23:55

Will you read all the posts again???

You will lose your children.

Put your children first or don't, then you can have your boyfriend & visit your children in a contact centre once a week...

Best of both worlds!

Confused
Offred · 16/11/2015 23:56

They have told you what to do.

You either do it or you don't.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 23:57

Some people cannot be helped.

Glastokitty · 16/11/2015 23:58

Its time to make a choice. Who is more important to you, your kids, or this man? If it is your kids you need to do everything social services ask, including staying away from this man. If he is more important, then you need to accept giving up your kids. You can't have both. Every post you are writing is showing how wrong you have got this situation, by denying and minimising every problem. I have been with my husband 24 years and we haven't had any of the drama you've had in seven short months! And it goes without saying if I had to choose my husband or son, although I love my husband deeply, the care and safety of my son would take priority. You need to wake up!