Caught DTD

[AtSea1979]

So DS (10) walked in. I thought the door was locked, it wasn't. He doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know how much he saw/knows.
I'm not in a serious relationship with anyone, just dating, which I think makes it harder.
How do others DTD as kids get older? Especially when you are in early relationship and don't want to put a guy off by only having sex once a fortnight when DS at his dad's!

Never had this problem as our room has always been a no go area for dc, it makes it far easier.
If I was single I wouldn't bring a bloke into my house until I'd known him for at least a year.
But that's easy to say when you are married.
It must be very difficult, but besides this you need privacy and children shouldn't be allowed in parents rooms. You could have been undressing, using a vibrator, watching porn, having a private phone conversation.

I admit I haven't read any of OP's other threads, but from the info given she said she's been seeing the guy several months, so hardly a "random".

I don't agree that a child not wanting to discuss something means they must be upset about it. It could equally be that they don't think it's a big deal; or that they think it's gross because ewww parents. My son walked in on me and his dad one day at around that age and that was pretty much his reaction. Me: "Do you want to talk about..." Son: "NO THANK YOU WHAT IS FOR TEA"

For what it's worth I would be far more concerned about the idea that my bedroom would be a no go area for my children than I would be at the thought of them catching me having sex. What if your DC are ill or sad? Very very strange to lock them out of the bedroom IMO

There is a huge difference between staying celibate for life and bringing random strangers known only for a few weeks after meeting on the internet because you believe that if you don't give them sex they will leave you.

The 'what am I supposed to do, stay celibate for life' is a weak attempt to cover up selfish and reckless behaviour that does anything but put the child's best interests first.

I too 'have been to hell and back ten times over' during the past few years and have remained single during this time, my choice. Looking for a relationship would and has been the last thing on my mind whilst I recover.

I certainly wouldn't enjoy sneaking people in and out of my home and if the survival of any relationship demanded that I do that, then it wouldn't be for me.

ps, you might want to read op's previous threads

I think she has rather misrepresented what is happening here.

Whoa!

First time I've looked up a poster's previous, this could almost be my ex wife.

She lies and creates drama for the attention, positive or negative, it's all the same to her.

Only thing that irks me is that so many decent people fall for her lies and feigned victimhood.

Op, in the kindest and sincerest way, you would do well to seek some professional help.

And forget about relationships and focus on your children and self.

All comes down to priorities, really.

Gunning,

I might be wrong, but you might want to reconsider your username, with respect,

Been a single parent for 11 years.

One relationship like the one you are describing - knew him through friends, it wasn't casual but it wasn't yet a 'relationship'. He's the only man who was invited round whilst son was in the house but son was five and we still had a baby gate on the landing (he didn't climb but he had a nasty habit of running about blindfolded on the landing... don't ask)....
My sofa (at the opposite side of the house to son's room has seen a lot of action . I made sure there was two closed doors between us and I had the baby monitor set up so I could hear.

Had to do this has had no childcare, ex not involved and could not afford / get a babysitter.

Anyway... Relationship didn't pan out and son is none the wiser.

Have been single for 6 years now - son has ASD (hence the blindfold) and childcare out of the question. No baby gates (no blindfolded running) and generally he's more aware so I wouldn't ever dream of a return to that. My son is 11 and it's just too risky and the implications too much.

It's not the embarrassment so much as what it teaches him about sex - about how and when and who with. The context of sex at that age should be about being between two adults in a relationship but his perception of what he's witnessed is you having sex with a randomer.

For me, my beliefs / priorities mean that I am not likely to have sex again for a very long time (been six years) but my son is of the opinion, despite his ASD, that sex is a very special act between two people who love each other and respect each other - it's a hard one concept for any young person so I woill not risk it.

That said if Gary Barlow knocked on the door I would probably take my chances - I don't have a lock and I have a very grumpy cat so it would be a big risk....

Haven't read much of thread sorry but in my opinion you shouldn't have put your ds in that position .
I am in a new relationship after a 27 year relationship .
Been seeing the guy 9 months and I adore him.
When we moved the relationship on to making love we went away for a night and although we hardly get any opportunity for that with both having dc T home when we do it is planned and we go away .
Neither of us feels easy bringing the other into what was our marital home .
I just wouldn't expect him to dtd or want him too in my home with dc and neither would he me .
Perhaps when we've both moved house it will be the start we both need but in the meantime it's dinner out long walks and occasional nights away .
Children come first and I wouldn't dream of dtd with my son in the house .
How on earth can you both relax ?

Weeping,

I was relating to your situation right up until Gary fucking Barlow walked in on us.

Saying that though, with his new found tendency of surprising brides at their wedding's by serenading them whilst singing along to one of his hits it wouldn't surprise me.

I shall prototype the 'Barlow' door lock immediately in order to save the male population from further suffering from 'Barlow's droop'.

The Barry White version is going is already proving to be a challenge.

Sonny

Never fear the cat's death stare would make any man's erection wilt...

I am more scared of her walking in on my than my son

I would pucker right up if Gary Barlow walked through the door.

and i don't mean for a kiss

Do you think Mr Styles likes cucumbers? I'm struggling.

If it's too soon, or the relationship is not sound enough for meeting the DC in the cold light of day, it is wrong to have them over for a shag while they are home, simple answer.

OP, don't beat yourself up, worse things happen AtSea (see what I did there?
Can you legislate for your kid coming into your room in the dead of night? Ex and I never did but maybe better parents do.. personally we found keeping one ear.. ahem.. cocked.. was sufficient. I wouldn't be a fan of locked bedroom doors at night. Smoke alarm fails and you wake in a panic to a smoke filled room- just saying. And no.. you're not going going to get out of bed after DTD to unlock door. Well, at least not if it was any good!

You probably know by this stage if the gent you brought home has potential to be a long term partner; if that's the case and you can see a future together then maybe it's not such a bad thing they met (circumstances aside obviously!)

Take care of yourself and DS.

PS.. of course it's much better for kid to walk in and catch Dad throwing Mam a bone

For me it would depend if your child knew the man. Forget the question of should you or shouldn't be having sex, that's your personal decision to make. As a child if I'd walked in to my mum's room and saw someone I didn't know I'd be freaked out. It's a place I would go for comfort in the night and to see a person I didn't know in my safespot, especially unexpectedly so would have been the thing that affected me.

grobags your kids are now 1 and 5 so easier to explain away the situation. Any older and you risk the 'what was mummy doing?!" question.

Ps this isn't just for you and don't think I'm having a go at single parents!

Like I said you could or should abstain until you feel ready to introduce a new partner other than for them to see him in the buff.

And what the heck is wrong with his place or a lock being put on the bedroom door?!

Planning.... All too easy to sneak a buff male out of a locked door whilst you make kids shower, send on a playdate etc.

And would you really be happy for your DC to see your ex DTD with a new woman unintroduced to her? You'd be prob on here berating the man so no thought you wouldn't be happy!

Honestly OP, you should read your old threads and think very carefully about things.

I'm glad you're not 'having a go at single parents' superfly as very of them choose to be in this situation and also please note I am a single parent because my DH died when I was 36 weeks pregnant! ! Up until that point I had a text book life.

I have done a lot of soul searching over this thread. I discussed at length with my counsellor and I cried buckets. It's not my thread but it hit me hard. I now conclude the following:

No one has a right to expect another human to be alone - including that persons children. My children will benefit from seeing me form healthy relationships and it will prevent them from feeling responsible for my happiness in the future.

My children are sufficiently protected from my personal life. I use a lock. My eldest never leaves her room at night - she calls for me and I go to ger without delay.

Life is so very short and fragile - you only really understand this when you watch someone go from healthy to dying in two months - at the age of 35. If you want a relationship do not martyr yourself for years waiting for your kids to grow/leave. Because you could be dead tomorrow. Use your very best judgement and caution when it comes to your children and how they interact with someone.

We all make mistakes.

We cannot provide a risk free upbringing for our kids. A rational, intelligent person knows it is FAR more risky to drive your kids on a motorway than to introduce them to a boyfriend. So I suggest all you smuggy evangelists stop driving....oh didn't think so.

Anyone who wishes to continue to judge my actions is welcome to walk a mile in my grief ridden, lone parenting, working in a demanding job and STILL having happy kids shoes.

OP - use a lock next time ;-)

I think you are taking this far to personally.

The OP has quite a history of being completely reckless when it comes to 'dating' and her children.

I disagree with you on the following;

We, as parents, have a moral and legal responsibility to provide a risk free home for our children.

A rational, intelligent person that is putting their children's best interests first knows it is FAR more likely for a child to be exposed to emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse by bringing strangers into their homes than driving down the motorway.

Research has shown that the greatest sexual risk to children is from a mother's new boyfriend. The early 'in love' phase is known for impairing good judgement, only seeing the good and ignoring the bad.

There are two posts on here today where mothers have got into emotionally abusive relationships with new boyfriends and there have been many posts over the years from adult women that have been abused my their mother's new boyfriend/partner/husband and their mother refuses to acknowledge it, siding with the man.

There was a news story recently, 3 sisters abused by their 'step father' for many years, he being found guilty on over 80 counts but the mother still refusing to believe them and even blaming it on the daughters now deceased father.

I have not seen any smuggy evangelists on this thread, you are being offensive.

Nobody is judging your actions, the thread isn't about you.

Spare a thought for those of us that have had to go through the very real hell of child protection cases raised due to a mother's desperation to have a man at any cost, putting young children at risk with their own reckless behaviour bringing strangers into one of our child's homes and you may understand why many of us can see why the OP's behaviour and attitude is so very wrong.

The thread is not about you.

Poor kid. Seeing his mum shag a guy he doesn't know would raise many things in his mind.

Oh gezz sorry for vanishing I had no idea this nonsense was still going on!
Yes yes we should all be celibate. If it helps I don't smoke and drink. Does it balance out now for all you's drunk and in charge of toddlers? No that'd be too simple.

Atsea. If you don't want nonsensical replies and most have them have been supportive. Whydid you create the thread. To prove you'd had a shag. FFS.