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Original poster

Caught DTD

227 replies

AtSea1979 · 15/11/2015 19:53

So DS (10) walked in. I thought the door was locked, it wasn't. He doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know how much he saw/knows.
I'm not in a serious relationship with anyone, just dating, which I think makes it harder.
How do others DTD as kids get older? Especially when you are in early relationship and don't want to put a guy off by only having sex once a fortnight when DS at his dad's!

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 15/11/2015 20:49

It's happened now OP,don't push your son if he doesn't want to talk about it(I'm sure you wouldn't any ways)just let him know that if he ever does want to chat to you about anything that you'll be happy to answer any questions he has.

Myself and DH have been within seconds of being caught,I know how awful that felt.

We have 5DC,with us having sex at night we wait until the children are all a bed alseep.If it's in the day time then it's when oldest is at work,second oldest is at college and 3 youngest are at school.

If you think the guy you were with is going to come over again at night time it would be worth getting a lock for your door or putting something in front of the door to save the blushes of all 3 of you.

I won't judge OP,I completely get it.I was a single Mum myself before and babysitters cost a fortune.

Notimefortossers · 15/11/2015 20:50

You brought a strange man into the house for sex while your DS was there = crappy thing

longtimelurker101 · 15/11/2015 20:50

OP your getting roasted by a bunch of puritanical idiots who are twisting your words so that they can hoist there judgey pants as high as they like. Wow your a woman who had sex, and got caught by a child getting up unexpectedly.. you must be satan herself.

Seriously MN? The woman asks for advice and you all start behaving like its 1873 ( or lets be honest an imagined 1873 cause the real thing was far more bawdy than you'd like to admit).

People with teenagers do it when they are out, at weekends in morning when they are all in their pits till midday, or get locks on their doors.

Whats more disturbing is when you realise that you need locks on everyone's doors, or you have to have a quiet word with your DD that her mother and father would really prefer she wasn't so, ahem, loud.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 15/11/2015 20:51

Thankyou wombat you put it in to words much better than me.

Of course I prioritise my DC, don't be so ridiculous. I was going to post on the Xmas thread to ask for advice for what to buy DM for Xmas, I'd better not now in case people assume I'll not be buying DC anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 15/11/2015 20:52

Notime how do you know he's strange? Have you had him to?

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 15/11/2015 20:54

I'm a single parent and have been dating for 2 years, nothing serious (until recently). I did the once a fortnight thing, and paid for a sitter or begged friends for a sleepover on my weekend. I would only have someone over when dc is here if they had met each other previously - to avoid the situation you find yourself in. To date I haven't found anyone worthy of introduction. No judgment from me as I know logistics are difficult. But hopefully it won't happen again!

LyndaNotLinda · 15/11/2015 20:54

I'm a single parent. DS doesn't have a dad do he doesn't go and stay with him. I would never in a million years bring some random bloke back to our house for a fuck. Never.

I'm not puritanical (ha - anything but). BUT my DS is my priority. His happiness and wellbeing is my priority. So that's why I treat him with repect

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 15/11/2015 20:57

lurker101 Shock no my precious DD won't do that will she Shock

OP posts:
longtimelurker101 · 15/11/2015 20:57

The OP never said she brought a random home for a fuck, stop twisting the words to suit your own agenda.

BlueBlueBelles · 15/11/2015 20:58

Before DP became DP we snuck around when the kids were asleep. The main rule we had was no bedrooms, at either house. We had sex when my children were asleep, and his. But by limiting it to front room/kitchen with shut doors we put enough distance between us and child waking to not be caught.

DP wasn't the first in the five years I was single either. There were three or four others. The DC didn't even know they existed.

NatRoe · 15/11/2015 20:58

I've been in your son's situation and it was awful. I grew up feeling rejected and unwanted and I had no choice, I had to put up with it and I swore that if I was ever unfortunate to be in that situation, I wouldn't do it. You're a mum now and IMO you have to put your son first and if the guy is worth it, he'll understand and want to take it slowly. If it's just a casual thing, the guy shouldn't be in your son's space - your DS needs to feel safe and calm and shouldn't feel uncomfortable.

wallywobbles · 15/11/2015 21:00

Ive not not read the full thread because I didn't like some of the judgey responses.

I don't hold with the view that you cannot have sex until you kids leave home if you are a single parent. Some parents never get a night without kids, pretty much ever.

As long as it's not a stream of unknowns roaming round your house I think it's fine.

So when DP was new on the scene we answered a lot of questions. Created some new boundaries. Insisted on knocking at all times. We occasionally lock the door if it's day time. We try to limit bed noise. Basically we normalize sex as part of being an adult couple. We keep
the duvet handy. The questions were an occasion to explain a bit about sex, contraception etc. different kids had different questions.

The first time they met him face to face he was staying over. The same as when I met his kids. It is fine. They are not traumatized. They were 5, 8, 8 & 9.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/11/2015 21:01

Not serious/dating = random as far as her DS is concerned.

I'm not judging her sex life st all. I'm judging her parenting

Enjoyingthepeace · 15/11/2015 21:02

I can honestly say I never knew my parents did it!

Lucky you OP. Unfortunately, your poor 10 year old son cannot say the same. Don't let it happen again. If your parents can do it, you can.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/11/2015 21:04

Oh come on OP, if you're the same poster I'm thinking of, it was only about 7 or 8 weeks ago you were posting about ending your relationship with your DP. How long have you been dating this new bloke?

Yes, you're absolutely entitled to a sex life, but it's your child's home too, and now's really not the time for him to be walking in on mum having sex, or being introduced to any new man.

longtimelurker101 · 15/11/2015 21:07

These things happen OP don't worry... Anyone telling you that they had a rotten childhood because something similar happened to them needs serious psychiatric help. Just make sure it doesn't happen again.

CainInThePunting · 15/11/2015 21:08

You're getting a hard time unnecessarily!

I remember walking in on my mother around that age, I was a little embarrassed to have seen it but other than that, no big deal. I accepted that it goes on and is perfectly normal.

OP as you say, you are being discreet, playing music, waiting until he is in bed. It's not as if you are at it all over the house in front of him.

The boy will be fine. You have offered to talk to him about it and he doesn't want to. He doesn't have to.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/11/2015 21:09

I personally think you shouldn't do it at your place until you've been seeing the man at least 2-3 months.... And plan on introducing him to your son!

I've had friends with children and they've either put off or on having to DTD, some people deliberately didn't do it at their own house, some made sure their DC were staying at a parents house.

Also from their perspective they didn't want their DC to get the wrong idea about them having different partners, which I think is quite right.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 21:09

is this the same guy that "packed his things and left" after you caught him messaging another woman, and admitted to sleeping with someone else ?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/11/2015 21:10

OP I think you're getting a hard time here.

Having a boyfriend over once your 10 year old DS is asleep is acceptable in my book. Too bad you forgot about the door lock but mistakes do happen.

And your DS does not sound overly traumatised, which is good. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by following his lead.

I get why you were asking about teenagers - nosy as they are!

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/11/2015 21:14

Having a 'boyfriend' over for sex just a matter of weeks after you've split with your DP, while your DS is in the house, is just not acceptable in my book.

Poor kid is already trying to process his parents splitting up - no wonder he's not keen to talk about walking in on mum having sex with someone else.

Waltermittythesequel · 15/11/2015 21:15

and don't want to put a guy off by only having sex once a fortnight when DS at his dad's!

Hmm you don't want to 'put him off' by not having sex with him?

Have you any idea how wrong that is?

bjrce · 15/11/2015 21:20

I think it's fairly safe to say op, that it's not going up happen again!
Stop worrying about it, stop being so hard on yourself. I think you should just leave it with you son, don't bring it up again. If he ever mentions it to you, just say " look I am really sorry about that, I felt really bad for making you feel awkward " and leave it at that. You are only human.

MiniTheMinx · 15/11/2015 21:21

I'm puzzled do people cover themselves with the duvet to have sex. Weird.

Any man worth getting involved with would not expect sex with a woman with her kids in the house, unless it's an established relationship.

NerrSnerr · 15/11/2015 21:22

I think people are saying he's a random because that's what he'll be to your son. He'll get over it, but I know I'd be upset if I saw that as I child.

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