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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife having affair

106 replies

CaptainDV · 15/11/2015 08:01

Sorry to intrude as a dad but I don't know where else to post for a broad cross section of opinions.

13 months ago I discovered my wife was seeing another man and basically I had a breakdown as a result. At her request I left home and moved in with my parents, returning at weekends. I have a very demanding job which is well paid and basically she is free to do as she wishes because I love her.

She took me back and I said that I would try and change. Try and be less stressed, lose weight etc. In addition to this work were not sympathetic to my illness and basically said if I didn't come back they would tell all the staff what had happened. I was signed off for a month, I actually took just 6 days off. Work also took this opportunity to parachute in the incompetent owners son at my level with my brief being to teach him my job. I would add that in my time at the helm I have doubled the turnover and the profit and made a seven figure sum in cash for the owners so they could never sack me on competence.

I did try and change but seemingly it hasn't been good enough. At her request I have slept on the sofa since May because I snore which I have done willingly. We have been on 4 holidays this year. I have bought her a car. I have tried to be a good husband and father.

However, I discovered that she is still in contact with the other man and I opened her phone bill (by accident but thank god I did) and there were 470 texts sent to the other man in a one month period.

Clearly I feel like mug of the year. I love my children so much (and in spite of all this my wife) but she is taking me for a ride. I vowed however bad it got at home to stay and do the right thing by my kids but I know I'm going to crash and burn again. I feel so totally let down.

What on earth am I to do?

OP posts:
IDismyname · 15/11/2015 08:14

Would it be worth going to counselling, or do you think your DW has checked out of the marriage? If it's the latter, then I think you need to prepare yourself with the idea that it's all over.
How old are your kids?

Btw, she sounds like a money grabbing (words fail me) so and so.

Laurenrl · 15/11/2015 08:14

She cheated on you and asked you to leave, but took you back and you agreed to change?! What?

This sounds terrible, you'd probably be a better dad to your kids when you were happier and had a good nights sleep every night, not on the sofa and not worrying about her cheating on you again because you hadn't lost enough weight or whatever!

MudCity · 15/11/2015 08:14

So sorry to read your post.

It is time to change your life. Time to find a new job, for definite. Time to move on at home. You can still be a great father whether you live in the family home or not.

Your self-worth sounds as though it is at rock bottom. Time to get some back. Set a few goals for yourself. Think about what you want from the rest of your life and go for it. The job change though is a must.

Good luck.

TooSassy · 15/11/2015 08:15

Firstly, do whatever you need to do to not have a relapse. Get to a GP/ doctor.
Second, what is your RL support network like? Is there someone you can lean on who can get you through this?
Third point, you don't have to leave the house at the moment. It's the family home and there is nothing she can do to make you leave.
Fourth, why on earth are you sleeping on the sofa since May????? FGS!!!! Looking outside in (and I am sorry if this sounds harsh) you sound like a consummate victim. Get into a bed. And if you cannot do that, change the sofa into a top of the range sofa bed and get a decent nights sleep.
For someone who is so successful in business how are you being so weak in your personal life? I admire you for putting your DC's first but you have to grow a backbone.

My advice is take the steps you need to to get strong. Counselling/ medication/ RL support. Get stronger and then tackle this. You don't have to do something straight away. Oh and if you haven't already get to a lawyer. Understand your legal rights.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you sound like a lovely guy who is being walked all over. Stop allowing that. Get strong. Don't confront or push the issue until you have. Only then figure out next steps.

Laurenrl · 15/11/2015 08:15

Sorry, hadn't finished that post.

I'm sorry for what you're going (and have been through) and I'm sure you know what's best really!

Good luck

GnomeDePlume · 15/11/2015 08:25

People with much better advice are going to be along soon.

You have been doing what is known as the 'pick me dance'. You have been acting as though your wife's affair is your fault.

It isnt.

Whatever problems there may be in your relationship, your wife has chosen to have an affair. This is not how decent people behave. Decent people who arent happy sit down with their spouse and talk about their problems. Your wife didnt. Instead she chose to have an affair.

That affair is still going on. Your marriage as you know it is over. Can it be retrieved? Honestly, I would very much doubt it.

It is called cheating because that is exactly what it is. Your wife has been cheating on you, on your marriage and on your children.

In your shoes I would now be getting legal advice and starting divorce proceedings.

2YearsFree · 15/11/2015 08:49

What disgusting behaviour from your dw. You deserve so much better than her. It soundsime she is using your for her finances. I would get out asap, you can still see your dc. She has no respect for you whatsoever. How would she feel if you were doing this to her?

2YearsFree · 15/11/2015 08:50

This divorce is no way your fault!

She has manipulated you into thinking it is.

donajimena · 15/11/2015 08:56

What everyone else said.

Original poster
CaptainDV · 15/11/2015 09:22

My beautiful children are 10 and 7. No one is perfect, my flaw is my personal life. I just try and make her happy however irrational that might be. I know a lot of people but I don't have any friends, I gave most of them up for the job/family.

I am frightened of the future.

Thank you all for listening to me.

OP posts:
Onedirectionarestillloved · 15/11/2015 09:38

Go to your gp and tell him/her your situation. I assure you they will have dealt with this thousands of times. Ask to be referred to a counsellor, alone, do not go to couples counselling.

Work have been appalling. Is there anyway you could leave ans set up as a self employed consultant or go to a different employer. I would even suggest you sacrifice some income to have a more understanding employer.
Cut down on the overtime, your boss has made it clear they don't give a damn about you, so don't feel obliged to grind yourself into the ground for them.

Next your wife has pulled the classic ' I had an affair because there is something wrong with you' act. Nice but totally predictable.
Truth s you could lose 4 stone and turn into Brad Pitt, become father of the decade, husband of the century, she will still not be satisfied because the fact is , it's not you, it's her. No matter what you do you it will never be enough.

Trust me on this. I cannot stress this enough. She has found herself a nice bit on the side and in her mind has to find a way of justifying herself so she blames you. It's what cheaters do.

im sorry for what you are going through.
Some people do stay together but in your situation I would begin making plans to separate , and do it as amicably as humanly possible .

Onedirectionarestillloved · 15/11/2015 09:43

Oh and don't worry about feeling like a mug, This is quite normal.

MudCity · 15/11/2015 10:06

However hard you try to make someone happy, it will never be enough. That's because we are all responsible for our own happiness.

You must find a new job. Start looking now. Feeling devalued at work has a huge impact on our well-being and can make us feel worthless in all areas of our life. You cannot let yourself live in fear from what are bullying tactics by the owners. It sounds as though you stay in your job to provide for your family but it is at the expense of your own health. You clearly have the skills and ability to do well at work. Another company will snap you up!

I agree with others...go to your GP and ask for referral to a counselling service, maybe a course of cognitive behaviour therapy which can help you challenge your current thoughts and feelings. You will need to be strong and take some control back over a situation where you are at the mercy of everyone else. What would you say to a friend in your situation? I am sure you wouldn't say they have to grin and bear it. Get some legal advice. Know where you stand.

Good luck to you. You can find happiness but you will need to stand up for yourself and put yourself first.

Take care.

Finallyputtherubbishout · 15/11/2015 11:23

Flowers for you OP. Gosh some women don't know how fortunate to have a husband who wants to take care of the family. Kick her to the kerb, out if the house even and get you bed bad!!!
Sounds like she'd be much happier living a single life and you can be happy being the family man you are.
It's because of women like these that the good men turn into idiots. LTB I say

Finallyputtherubbishout · 15/11/2015 11:24

*bed back

Original poster
CaptainDV · 15/11/2015 11:45

What about the kids - I don't want them homeless. She's bound to get custody, women always do (no offence intended)

OP posts:
tableanadchairs · 15/11/2015 11:54

Not all women get custody-you could get 50.50 if you tried

RedMapleLeaf · 15/11/2015 12:08

I am frightened of the future.

It's normal and healthy to be frightened of change and unknowns. However,I think that the situation you're currently in is far more scary.

I think that your children deserve a happy and healthy dad. Think how much fun it would be to have your own bedroom home with your children there and not dancing to this woman's tune.

hefzi · 15/11/2015 13:29

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

As others have said, I would be filing for divorce, and asking for a 50:50 custody arrangement. I would also be going to my GP and asking for help and support.

At present, she is using you - still. You deserve to be happy, and changing the status quo, particularly when you're not the one who wants to, is always scary because the future is unknown. But you will get through this - and then you can get on with having the fabulous and happy life with your kids that you all deserve.

pocketsaviour · 15/11/2015 14:23

Mate, I don't want to be harsh but you have been an absolute doormat here, and you're teaching your children that a partner can behave however they want and you just have to lie there, eat shit, and say thanks.

Get yourself to a solicitor as soon as you can. Take details of yours and your wife's salaries, rough value of your house and outstanding mortgage, any other assets you own including savings accounts (joint or single - they're all assets of the marriage) and if your kids are in private school then take note of the fees.

You simply cannot continue making a martyr of yourself like this - your kids aren't going to thank you! There's no reason at their ages why you wouldn't get 50/50 custody, as long as you can show that you would have appropriate arrangements for school runs, school holidays, etc.

Your work situation at the moment seems as if you're also a victim there with a lot of harassment and bullying going on. If you left, you'd probably have a damn good case for constructive dismissal. See a solicitor who specialises in employment law as soon as you can.

No one is perfect, my flaw is my personal life.

What does this mean? Do you take drugs, have you previously had an affair? Or do you mean your "flaw" is that you let other people make you into a victim?

Who taught you to expect so little from a relationship?

Original poster
CaptainDV · 15/11/2015 14:35

No drugs, drink, gambling, violence, affairs - nothing like that.

My flaw is trying to cling on to hope that she will love me. She clearly doesn't yet I keep persevering.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 15/11/2015 14:39

You know the definition of madness?

Original poster
CaptainDV · 15/11/2015 14:41

Yes. But you can't help who you fall in love with. And only a parent knows what it's like to fail your children.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 15/11/2015 14:45

Yes. But you can't help who you fall in love with.

Perhaps, but you can decide what behaviour you accept from others.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/11/2015 14:45

And only a parent knows what it's like to fail your children.

Well, it depends upon how you define "fail your children".

So, what's your plan?