Wife having affair

[CaptainDV]

Sorry to intrude as a dad but I don't know where else to post for a broad cross section of opinions.

13 months ago I discovered my wife was seeing another man and basically I had a breakdown as a result. At her request I left home and moved in with my parents, returning at weekends. I have a very demanding job which is well paid and basically she is free to do as she wishes because I love her.

She took me back and I said that I would try and change. Try and be less stressed, lose weight etc. In addition to this work were not sympathetic to my illness and basically said if I didn't come back they would tell all the staff what had happened. I was signed off for a month, I actually took just 6 days off. Work also took this opportunity to parachute in the incompetent owners son at my level with my brief being to teach him my job. I would add that in my time at the helm I have doubled the turnover and the profit and made a seven figure sum in cash for the owners so they could never sack me on competence.

I did try and change but seemingly it hasn't been good enough. At her request I have slept on the sofa since May because I snore which I have done willingly. We have been on 4 holidays this year. I have bought her a car. I have tried to be a good husband and father.

However, I discovered that she is still in contact with the other man and I opened her phone bill (by accident but thank god I did) and there were 470 texts sent to the other man in a one month period.

Clearly I feel like mug of the year. I love my children so much (and in spite of all this my wife) but she is taking me for a ride. I vowed however bad it got at home to stay and do the right thing by my kids but I know I'm going to crash and burn again. I feel so totally let down.

What on earth am I to do?

I mean, when did she deliberately let herself be treated badly?

Ok, brief digression from thread exclusively for RedMapleLeaf:
My dad was always very focused on work and more or less expected mum to fall in with whatever plans he made, whenever he made them, and to cook and clean etc as required. She was shy and couldn't bring herself to go out and make friends, so was at home alone a lot (like 18 hours a day, after we'd left home). We told her he wasn't being fair leaving her alone all the time and expecting her to fit in around him, that she needed to advocate for herself, to get up and just go live her own life rather than hanging around fulfilling her 'role' as housewife and mother. She didn't. She lived around 15 years of her life essentially alone and miserable, pathetically grateful for any crumbs of attention she received from him (we were in different countries so couldn't visit much).

The point I was trying to make (without seeing the need for so much detail but there you go) is that kids don't always appreciate what they see as a needless sacrifice for their benefit. They'd rather see their parents looking after their own happiness.

The point I was trying to make (without seeing the need for so much detail but there you go)

Apologies for the confusion but I thought the comment was about the OP's wife and that OP might be angry that she had allowed herself to be treated so badly.

But there you go.

I did explain that it wasn't about the op's situation!!

Oh, I really feel for you.

You can't make her love you again, is gone, I'm sorry.

Now she's just taking the absolute piss.

Don't let her, get angry, and get out.

Wishing you all the very best.

Thanks for all your advice. I find it quite therapeutic to get it all down. Currently, I'm just not talking to her and I'm still at home. I am being civil around the children. I know this is petty but I have to just survive the next week or so to avoid having a breakdown (last last time) as I would lose my job if that happened. It's really hard though - I'm crying in the shower, in the car and privately. I look like death. No one knows other than my counsellor. I still don't know how I feel. My counsellor said I was in emotional shock. I am trying to keep occupied at work and I've got to go abroad early next week which I'm not looking forward to. I know I can't go on like this indefinitely but I just don't feel capable of talking to her about it. I've hidden the kids passports - not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I'm seeing my GP to get back on the meds as I know sooner or later I'll need that help again.

Cheers for listening.

You sound a right mess.

Have you seen a solicitor? Just an initial chat can make you feel a little in control because then you know what a future not living with the DW might be like. And in most cases it is better than the stress laden life you have.

I would concentrate on doing your job well. That is obviously something you are good at and well-rewarded for.

Then plan for living apart. The DCs might visit every second weekend or similar. Where will you take them, what will you do. Obviously you will try to have lovely memorable times with them.

That is where I would concentrate my energies and not on weeping about what you fear you might lose/ have lost.

Changing into a dynamic decisive individual will change how your DW reacts and DCs react towards you.

There's no reason the op can't have two or three days a week though, if he goes for 50/50.

Op, you may feel like you don't have the strength to end this, but are you sure you've got the strength in you to continue like this?

It sounds incredibly stressful, and really unhealthy, death by a thousand cuts as they say.

What's the issue re the passports, is she a foreign national who might run off with the children then?.

OP, just read your thread.

Sorry you're going through all this - you really sound like a decent guy. Your wife on the other hand...

Anyway. Just wanted to reiterate what the others have advised. Please seek legal advice.
You cannot make her love you. She doesn't deserve you anyway.

The whole thing is soul destroying - I've been there and it's taken me a long time to get back my self esteem, but you get there.

Keep up the counselling, and eventually you'll find yourself in a much better place, amazed at how you put up with so much crap for so long.

I wish you well.

Please dont be a doormat.You can still be a good father to your kids without your wife.Dont try to change yourself too much for others .If your wife really loved you she would have understood your needs and issues and tried to help you improve rather be with another man .Please leave her .

LTB

I don't think saying the OP is a doormat is helpful, especially as having read TFT I think he may be a victim if emotional/psychological abuse.

Agree with the advice to seek legal advice both divorce and employment. With the job constructive dismissal has a tight timescale so keep that in mind. Take advantage of the free 30 mins to get a feel for lawyers and also try and get personal recommendations (get chatting to the secretaries and paralegals while you're waiting).

Get your paperwork sorted. M

Re possible abuse try these?

<a class="break-all" href="http://new.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/www.mensadviceline.org.uk/pages/help-and-information-advice.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">new.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/www.mensadviceline.org.uk/pages/help-and-information-advice.html

Keep posting here MN is fantastic for support and advice (partly cos so many of us have been there!)

Really it doesn't matter if they're sleeping together or not its still cheating its still a betrayal. But imho unless you catch things very early its unlikely not to have been consummated.

It would be kind to let his wife know but its not your responsibility so that has to be your decision.

Sorry but the other thing you need to consider and I say this to women in this position too, but an sti check may be needed too.

I've got to go abroad early next week which I'm not looking forward to.

You may not be looking forward to it, but it can be used a valuable time to think quietly without her or the children around. Even if you only have an hour or two in the evening to yourself at a hotel, focus on you and what you want and deserve. I think you want to be happy. I think you deserve a partner who respects you. Then think about the way you are being treated by your wife. I don't think that is making you happy, nor is it treating you with respect. Then think about how you can achieve happiness and respect. I think you'll realize that you will be happier and better off on your own where, given time, you may meet someone who will treat you right. And your children will be happier, too, with a father who is happy and peaceful.

Like many, this has happened to me.
You have had fantaatic advice on here but these are just my thoughts.
You feel so dreadful because you are in limbo and have no security and the agony of not knowing what will happen next.

I promise you that once you take some control of the situation, even a tiny bit, you will start to feel so much better.
Seeing a decent brief would give you an idea of what you could do next.
Why should you leave the house or see your kids less? She's the one who's behaving badly. Let her see the reality of what her actions have caused.
You are a total mess because rather than get away from a bad situation you are staying in it.
Your work is hard and then you come home to what should be your safe haven and are surrounded by self doubt, lies, deceit and skeeping on the sofa!!
Come on love, stand up a bit taller and take back some control. I can assure you she will respect you a whole lot more and may even reconsider her feelings towards you (if that's what you want)
You simply cannot remain in this hideous life any longer.
The way you feel will only start to change when the things that are causing it change too.

I have their passports for no good reason at all. Someone made a point of it on here, thought it wouldn't do any harm. She's not a foreign national nor has any particular links abroad. I'm not planning on running off with them either.

I think possibly the thing you're concerned about, other than the loss of a life you thought you'd have, is what you're future holds for you and your relationship with your children.

I think the best thing you can do is get yourself to a solicitor to educate yourself on the process ahead and likely outcomes. You need to start trying to reconcile what's happened and taking control of your future to make it more predictable and certain. That will be easier to handle than this constant waiting on the whims of the mother of your children.

Come on captain time to find your anger (obviously channel it correctly) taking your posts at face value you sound absolutely lovely( if downtrodden).
Wouldn't you like to be with someone who loves and values you as much as you do them?
You only have to spend an hour perusing this board to find numerous women and men who have moved on to far lovelier partners once they have wised up to what a normal relationship looks like.
Even being single is better than the roller coaster you are riding.
staying for the kids doesn't wash. It's been said up thread that they pick up on everything that is going on around them.
you would be far kinder to them to separate.
I see on here all the time 'I don't want my children to come from a broken home'
I wouldn't say it's something that any (or many) of us aspire to but thankfully it's 2015.
I didn't want my children coming from a broken home either but the alternative would have been subjecting my children to their father regularly rolling in drunk and being openly dismissive of me either.
Examples being: ooh isn't mummy stupid
and 'mum thinks she's clever'
I know which home I prefer. It was broken when he was around. Its fixed now.

They say bad things come in threes, so one to go. Went to my GP (who I rarely see) explained what had happened, started crying, said I just wanted to go back on the meds again to level me off. He said ok but then kept saying "what are you going to do" I replied that I didn't know yet to which his response was "you need to be a man, you are being like a child". He is foreign so maybe he didn't feel that was particularly offensive but when your masculinity is at an all time low, I don't think that was particularly helpful.

I walked out at this point totally upset and told him I'd find some tablets online and buy them there.

Now I don't have the tablets I need and feel atrocious again.

I know this probably looks like yet another needy post but I'm telling it exactly how it is because I find it cathartic.

Wow. Your GP sounds like an insensitive arse. What a thing to say to someone in distress

Are there any other Drs at that practice you can see? It's not a good idea to get medication on line.

I know it's difficult these days, but any way you can seek out a new GP as a permanent change? You need support and help at the moment, not criticism and twatish insensitivity.

I think if anyone had presented even a female they would have been told to grow up by doctor brusque! (Not a good manner imo) you need to go back.

And see a different GP

Op I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible time. Your wife sounds just awful. How anyone can be so cruel is beyond me. You're so so much better than her.
Just do things one step at a time. I would make a list and tick off one thing at a time. Get to a different doctor and complain about that one. Speak to someone in hr or similar at work as they've also treated you appallingly. Also, see a solicitor. Your wife can't tell you to leave and you'll be in a better position if you stay. Go for 50/50 with the kids if possible.
Good luck op

Captain what you are feeling is normal. You have had a terrible betrayal and I have read that people can experience PTSD from it. Stop being so hard on yourself. I think your GP may have been trying to speak plainly to get you to confront what you need to do. Don't take it as an affront to your masculinity. You are finding writing your story here cathartic. Please tell other people in your real life so you can get the support you need. Hugs.

You need a plan. All feelings aside, you need to sort out what happens and where you go from here.

If I were you my priorities would be the following;

1/. Document everything that has happened, collect evidence, you never know when you may need it. Do this straight away.

2/. Seek legal advice about what access you could have to the kids if/when you split. And about divorce and finances. You should be able to do all three in one appointment I'd have thought. Do this ASAP.

3/. Find somewhere else to go. Preferably somewhere you could have a bed. Sleeping on the sofa because she has done wrong is ridiculous.

4/. Get the meds/help you feel you need for your own wellbeing. Do this ASAP.

5/. Seek out a new job. Your employer is not a good one, and infact I'm pretty sure what they've done is not entirely legal when insisting you return to work having been signed off for your own mental health. You owe them nothing - find somewhere that will appreciate your efforts. No reason you can't do this straight away.

6/. Move on. Your wife doesn't sound like a nice woman. There are plenty of nice people in the World. Don't surround yourself with people who will bring you down. Find a new hobby, take up running, go out with some old friends, make some new friends, travel... Have fun and enjoy your newly single life.

I, for one, don't think you're a doormat at all. I think you're a distressed individual who has been manipulated and beaten down by someone who should have raised you up and loved you. But you need to get it together. This woman doesn't love you, and it's unlikely she'll ever love you again. Not in the way you deserve. Make a plan, put a timeline to it, and take back control of your life. It'll be hard and painful at first, but you'll feel much better in the long run once it's all sorted out.