Wife having affair

[CaptainDV]

Sorry to intrude as a dad but I don't know where else to post for a broad cross section of opinions.

13 months ago I discovered my wife was seeing another man and basically I had a breakdown as a result. At her request I left home and moved in with my parents, returning at weekends. I have a very demanding job which is well paid and basically she is free to do as she wishes because I love her.

She took me back and I said that I would try and change. Try and be less stressed, lose weight etc. In addition to this work were not sympathetic to my illness and basically said if I didn't come back they would tell all the staff what had happened. I was signed off for a month, I actually took just 6 days off. Work also took this opportunity to parachute in the incompetent owners son at my level with my brief being to teach him my job. I would add that in my time at the helm I have doubled the turnover and the profit and made a seven figure sum in cash for the owners so they could never sack me on competence.

I did try and change but seemingly it hasn't been good enough. At her request I have slept on the sofa since May because I snore which I have done willingly. We have been on 4 holidays this year. I have bought her a car. I have tried to be a good husband and father.

However, I discovered that she is still in contact with the other man and I opened her phone bill (by accident but thank god I did) and there were 470 texts sent to the other man in a one month period.

Clearly I feel like mug of the year. I love my children so much (and in spite of all this my wife) but she is taking me for a ride. I vowed however bad it got at home to stay and do the right thing by my kids but I know I'm going to crash and burn again. I feel so totally let down.

What on earth am I to do?

CaptainDV

Leave and sort yourself out, she has done a real number on you, SHE is the one who cheated, SHE is the one who is responsible.

Get out and stay out.

Also wondering if the DV in your name is more than part of your forum name.

Easier said than done.

You seem like a lovely man. Have a little read through these boards. Countless lovely women bemoaning about not being able to find a decent man. Of which I was one.
I'm not suggesting that you end your marriage and head straight back 'out there' as you need to sort a lot of stuff out but wouldn't you like to have a happy relationship? A mutually respectful one.
Leaving a marriage that is bringing you turmoil is not failing your children.

In fairness I've never been physically assaulted nor vice versa

You really need to seek legal advice and find out about your rights. You may find that you would get 50:50 custody.

Please look for a new job. You are clearly hardworking and talented and a great asset to another company

I know everything probably seems scary right now but you know you can't carry on like this. Your mental health is too important and your children need you to look after yourself too

Good luck.

You are failing your children every minute you stay there and demonstrate to them that being married means taking your partner's abuse uncomplainingly.

Hello OP
Firstly, sorry to hear you've been through the mill with being treated so badly by your lying wife & everything. It sounds like you've been trying really hard to please her & keep the relationship alive while she basically takes the piss & bleeds you dry.
You will still have access to your children if you leave, and they will be ok. And you will be ok.
Setting this example of a relationship is detrimental to them. It's unfair on everyone.

Captain Get strong and get angry. Recognise and accept that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. What is your wife doing to change and save your marriage? Don't take the blame for your wife's affair. Lots of people have unhappy marriages yet stay faithful. You've gotten some good advice here. Take it. Make a list of things you need to do and tick them off. You deserve happiness.

Captain

It is easier said than done but it needs to be done.

Use your good salary to buy/rent and get out of the marital home

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned LTB...or is it different if a woman has an affair....

I think mate you need to man up a bit, shes taking the piss out of you and your trying to be nice to her?. And where the hell is that getting you in a bigger load of despair and grief.

She's the one who messed around with someone else not you.

So either lay the law down to her either he goes for good and you sort yourself out else see a GOOD solicitor, some are much better than others and get a divorce on the go. She won't get total access to the children that has changed over time.

When you've done that start your own firm you'll never make any money working for someone else!. That's what i did 30 odd years ago and never looked back, best decision I ever made:)

I think your too nice and too soft with others you can be OK and pleasant but for fecks sake stop being a doormat, that does not impress women either!.

Your right you can't help who you fall in love with. Just because you love a person doesn't mean you should be with them. Why do people think like this? If I fell in love with my best friends dh doesn't mean I have to be with him. If I'm in love with someone who treats me like shit I don't have to be with them. You need to love yourself more!

Some extra background to give you a fuller picture. This may or may not portray me in a good light but I need good advice and to do so I need to be honest.

13 months ago, the "affair" was rumbled when a present addressed to a pet name he presumably has for her was left at my door, containing a picture frame and some sweets. The picture frame was an identical one to the one that was located on the inside of our front door which got broken by my daughter (apparently, I wasn't there). I then cracked her emails and found several emails to-ing and froing with him "wishing he was in the bath with her" etc. I then took her mobile while she was asleep and saw texts from him that said "I think I'm falling for you" and the like. When she was confronted on this occasion, there was one incident that really hurt me. I wrote my car off last September (not my fault) and I was pretty upset and shaken up when it happened (full airbags in face job). I got in and told her what happened and she screamed in my face that it always had to be about me, she had work tomorrow and it was probably my fault anyway. Over the next week or so I was struggling to cope so I went to see my GP (she came with me). He explained that I was struggling and needed some extra help and booked me into some counselling. I went to the first session and my wife asked me how it went. I explained what was discussed and she flew into a rage saying why was I listening to a counsellor and not her. She then rang him up (saying it was someone else) which in retrospect I think was pretty cruel. We spoke and I said that as long as she deleted all the messages and never contacted him again, there could be a future. However, the following morning, she texted him - I know because she admitted it - about the fact that I had simply left the present on his doorstep (he is married with kids too). I completely broke down at this point and it was agreed that I should spend some time at my parents where I broke down. I moved back in at weekends and really tried my hardest but for the next six weeks, it was back with mum and dad who were lovely. I stayed for Christmas and then full time again.

I assumed it was over, I never wanted to go to that place again.

This time, I (genuinely, and I promise you all that) opened her phone bill (same company as my daughter who's bill I pay for) in error and his number appeared 470 times in a month. I discovered this on Saturday and tried to have a normal day. We had a general discussion about the relationship where I gave her plenty of opportunities to own up and she didn't. I wasn't sleeping so I snuck out to work that night and photocopied the bill, highlighted his number (on another piece of correspondance), added a summary and simply left it by the kettle and snuck out again at 6am. She presumably found them at 8am as I had 7 missed calls and then two text messages that said "It really isnt what you think" and "I haven't even actually seen him since they started in November". Well, they started in at least September and in our subsequent discussion, it transpires that they never stopped although there were some breaks of 6 weeks or so. She insists there is NO AFFAIR and nothing sexual. All the usual things were hurled at me, not doing 50% of the housework which when you work 60hrs a week is hard compared to her 16hrs per week, not caring in the early years (I did care but I was exhausted through trying to build a career in order for us to have a good life) and always being miserable (a few episodes of clinical depression and this, what do you expect?) which I am not. She's also quit something that she's been doing for her own personal development that she has worked hard on - I'm convinced this is to use as future ammo against me.

I really want to make this work for the sake of my children and I do love her (couples counselling etc) but three things sit really uneasily with me.

1. He ignores my calls. Surely if there was nothing going on, he'd fess up to what was happening?
2. We had the option to move away in the summer. I couldn't see how it could work. She says he was one of the reasons she was keen to do it. If it was over, then surely it's irrelevant?
3. I am being the biggest MUG in the world.

On the basis of what I've presented to you here (and I am not perfect but I am not a tyrant or with big vices), what do you see is going on (however bad it looks or how harsh the words) and what would you do in my position.

I have booked an hour with a counsellor on my own for tonight.

Thank you so much for listening and love to all of you, especially those who need it most.

You need to leave. Seriously. I'm sorry about your situation, but no-one will respect you for staying - not your wife, not your kids, not yourself.

Leave.

I really want to make this work for the sake of my children

Staying in a broken relationship isn't always what's best for the children.

You need to separate, she being completely unfair to you :(

Op there is nothing to build on, work on, save or rescue if you are the only one trying.
You should realise she's doing nothing to show you that she wants to fix this, make it work or make you feel better. Has she ever apologised for how this has made you feel?
I get that you are not yet ready to take the next step, that's ok for the short term but you must start facing the reality that your wife would need to do a complete turn around and actively work on saving your marriage if it is to work. You alone can not make this happen.

OP she is not the prize. She should be moving heaven and earth to win back your trust and respect and to deserve your love. She isn't.

I wanted to add that you seem like s really nice guy. Reasonable, caring, willing to work through problems, a caring father, provider for your family. Believe in yourself. You have a lot going for you and you can move on successfully, even if you feel you cannot. You don't deserve to spend your married life unhappy and being played.

Firstly this is not your fault, it seems you are dealing with a very nasty master manipulator who is making you think it is your fault. She slept with someone else she kept it going for 18mts she blames you and you let her.

You cannot fix your relationship on your own. in my opinion from what you say it doesn't sound like she wants to fix it at all she's having a whale of a time doing what ever the hell she wants and having been in a similar situation I can tell you it takes two people to fix it not one.

You said mums always get the children... They don't the law is changing. I know dads who have full time custody due to absent mothers and parents who have 50/50 custody - mothers have the rights from day one if a marriage breaks down and until decided by a court but you can fight for your children if you choose and lots of people do. But don't just assume she will have all the rights.

I wish you luck, hope your counciling session goes well!

Do you think they've been sleeping together?

Highly likely

I would be amazed if they hadn't been. Why not? It sounds like she know you will stay whatever happens, so what's to stop her?

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like she respects you at all. In that case, it is even more important that you show yourself some respect.

I think its irrelevent whether they have been sleeping together.

You both agreed to work on the marriage if she broke off all contact.

She has not done this. In fact she has contacted him extensively.

It means she doesnt value your marriage and she doesnt value you. Whether or not she's sleeping with him doesn't change that fact.

Every time you have discovered what she has done there have been no consequences for her, you have fully borne these. So why should she change?

Go see a solicitor and find out your rights. Seek joint custody of your children. See a councellor and get you self esteem out of the gutter. Tell your wife you will only deal with her from now on as a co-parent and ask her f she would have the decency to move out whilst you make the necessary arrangements. Tell you friends and family what is happening and what your wife has done. Stop covering up for her.