Wife having affair

[CaptainDV]

Sorry to intrude as a dad but I don't know where else to post for a broad cross section of opinions.

13 months ago I discovered my wife was seeing another man and basically I had a breakdown as a result. At her request I left home and moved in with my parents, returning at weekends. I have a very demanding job which is well paid and basically she is free to do as she wishes because I love her.

She took me back and I said that I would try and change. Try and be less stressed, lose weight etc. In addition to this work were not sympathetic to my illness and basically said if I didn't come back they would tell all the staff what had happened. I was signed off for a month, I actually took just 6 days off. Work also took this opportunity to parachute in the incompetent owners son at my level with my brief being to teach him my job. I would add that in my time at the helm I have doubled the turnover and the profit and made a seven figure sum in cash for the owners so they could never sack me on competence.

I did try and change but seemingly it hasn't been good enough. At her request I have slept on the sofa since May because I snore which I have done willingly. We have been on 4 holidays this year. I have bought her a car. I have tried to be a good husband and father.

However, I discovered that she is still in contact with the other man and I opened her phone bill (by accident but thank god I did) and there were 470 texts sent to the other man in a one month period.

Clearly I feel like mug of the year. I love my children so much (and in spite of all this my wife) but she is taking me for a ride. I vowed however bad it got at home to stay and do the right thing by my kids but I know I'm going to crash and burn again. I feel so totally let down.

What on earth am I to do?

Should I confront him in an attempt to seek the truth. He's got as much to lose as she has?

Even if they are not sleeping together, she is having an emotional affair with this person and treating you like a doormat - you 100% deserve better.

Once your out of this and you start to heal yourself from what has been awful treatment your realise you deserve better and you will find someone who you value and who values you and your wonder why you didn't do it much sooner.

You know the truth. Contacting him won't help and could actually make things worse.

You need to file for divorce. Staying in an unhealthy relationship is never good for children nor is it for the couple involved.

yellow tuplis puts its perfectly

He's not the issue. Your wife is. It's her you need to confront - preferably after having seen a solicitor.

What do you gain by confronting him? Getting him to back off?

Then you become the consolation prize to your wife? Is that what you want?

You need to change the dynamic here. She is calling all the shots.You need to turn it around and please read this...www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

It doesn't matter if they haven't been sleeping together. Clearly, she is emotional vested in him and not in you. She is not faithful emotionally to you. Don't waste anymore of your life with her. She should be doing everything possible to regain your trust and she isn't. Being in a home with miserable parents will not provide a happy childhood for your kids.

and read this:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Sorry the first link didn't work:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

I've read both. They are pretty brutal.

OP, there is no doubt in my mind they have been having a sexual relationship

Good luck Captain - I can only second all the good advice on here as someone who was treated in a similar way by my XH. Get angry - anger is your friend here. Arm yourself with important documents - birth Cerys and passports for you and children, your marriage certificate and any bank accounts, financial documents etc. then find a good divisor - you can get free initial appointments and see a few till you find one you feel will fight for you. Get strong and be a dad to your kids without being a doormat and showing them a negative view of adult relationships. I ( like everyone else in this situation) was scared and confused but it was definitely the best thing I did for my children and myself. She broke your marriage vows and has lied and manipulated, destroying you and your confidence. It is so hard to start believing in yourself again but you can and will get through this. Forget about her OM, cite him in divorce papers if you want, tell everyone you know and don't keep her filthy little secret for her - but your main focus is you and your children. There is no reason why you shouldn't get custody or 50:50 and tell your solicitor your wishes. Good luck. There are plenty of people on here to help you - and it sounds like your parents are there for you, my parents were fabulous and such a support to me and my DC.

Can you not see how that relates to your behaviour?

How continuing to be so passive is actually enabling the very behaviour you want to cease?

Yes I can see that.

The thing is I'm a fundamentally kind and respectful person who expects that to be reciprocated most of the time, and at the very least by the person you married.

Maybe that outlook is wrong and no one should ever be trusted.

Bit overdramatic there CaptainDV. There's a middle ground between being a passive doormat and never trusting anybody again ever.

Easy to feel like that when the person you are in love with or love is treating like you a doormat and your self esteem is rock bottom, it takes time to get over that but people do and are much better off for it!

You just need to decide how you want to be treated and then don't accept anything less even if you "love" them until then your never find what your looking for or need - you have to respect yourself know what your boundaries - when I did that I found true love with a man who respects and loves me completely and treats me how I want to be treated and I equally respect and love him and treat him how he wants to be treated - not always perfect mind you :) but pretty close most of the time

It's better to be single and alone than in an unhappy miserable marriage by a very long way

Wish you lots of luck x

I'm going to try and address the "being a passive doormat" thing LaCdP through counselling. In the few sessions I had last time, a total lack of self esteem and confidence in myself was identified. I am aware this this is not going to be a magic wand waving exercise and will take time.

I think you need it, CaptainDV. It will probably be painful at first, but as you gain in confidence I hope that you'll be able to find some anger at just how shitly you've been treated. I don't know you, but I know you don't deserve this - no-one does.

Speaking as the child of a parent who never thought much of herself and just hung around being treated poorly: my main emotion when I think of her is not gratitude for the fact she stayed, but anger and frustration at the fact that she deliberately let herself be treated badly. It's an odd mixture of an urge to defend the worn-down parent whilst at the same time shouting at them to get up and FIGHT, dammit. I don't know how old your kids are, but I'd be amazed if some part of them didn't cheer when you finally let your wife know that you won't put up with her shit anymore.

Good luck Captain, you have taken the hardest first step - your do great! Good luck be strong you deserve to be happy

CaptainDV Go and seek the other man?. If you having the ask that question then don't!

Go and see a good solicitor instead. This sham of a marriage is broken and everything you've said thus far indicates its totally knackered and like an old horse the sooner its put out of its misery, the better. It's not going to get any better

As LaContessaDiPlump says fight back and use the law to do that with.

JOOI does the other man's wife know what he's up to might you know?, as it seems another poor woman is going the go through the mill;(

I have no idea. The only things that are preventing me going round there and dealing with him are firstly, their son is in my daughter's class at school so neither of them deserve to be embarrassed by what is happening and secondly, I don't wish how I am feeling on anyone else. I have no idea what she is like as a person, but I'd take no joy in passing the pain I feel on to her.

Well you have the choice of leaving the wife in ignorance (it's bliss, I've heard) and letting her find out at a later date that you knew all about it and didn't say anything, or taking the responsible route and telling her in a timely fashion.

Would you, perhaps, have preferred ignorance? Is that where the reluctance is coming from? No-one would think that you took pleasure in telling her the truth, at all.

Yes, I'd preferred to have never known.

but anger and frustration at the fact that she deliberately let herself be treated badly

When did that happen?

I genuinley don't think I've got to that stage yet RedMapleLeaf

I was talking about my feelings towards my mum who stayed in a marriage where she was treated poorly, RedMaple. I'm trying to give the potential POV of one of CaptainDV's children, with a view to showing that staying together is not always the best policy.