I'm 28, he's 52. I'm in love and don't know what to do

[Hellobearbear]

Just that really.

I've never felt so connected to someone or so attracted.

I want kids, he is prepared to do this, and he already has two of his own.

My heart literally aches for him when I'm not with him.

Is it naive to think I wouldn't find this again with someone younger? I feel like he is my soulmate. But I don't want to look back in ten years and wonder if I made the wrong choice. I don't know what to do.

I have sat and read all of this and OP I think you can't separate advice from moral advice. They are the same. You are 28...the next 10 years you will grow and change and come to understand that happiness that comes at the expense of others in the long term is never worth having

Try and imagine meeting a husband now...growing a life and babies and giving up freedoms for that. Sharing that experience over 30 years and then having your spouse leave for someone half your age.

Try and feel that empathy because the reality is you will be part of the destruction of someone's life.

I agree this soulmate stuff is fantasy. You'll learn that too. Love should be with someone honest and reliable and kind with integrity or its not worth having.

If I were you I'd look for a job overseas and run away to get out of this situation. He's not a good man and you would be signing a deal with the devil

I find it a shame so many people on here are judging a man's attractiveness on age and looks.

My DP ain't much to look and is older than the bloke getting slagged off on here. But I find him sexy as fuck. Great personality, funny, charming, charismatic and the connection we have with each other all make him attractive to me. Not to mention kind, loving and caring.

The way he looks at me, changes in tone in his voice, sexually charged things he says, the way he is with me turn me on a damn site more than any physical appearance would. knowing how shit hot he is in the sack helps too

SockBalls if your comment was directed at me I was not advocating they break up his family. I'm saying if it happens it is fucking hard even if they have a strong relationship and are certain they want to be together. The OP doesn't seem certain in my mind so I wanted her to know how hard it is even without the doubts.

ComeDownToMe I find it a shame so many people on here are judging a man's attractiveness on age and looks.

Why is it a shame? Different people are attracted to different things in partners, and looks are simply more important to some people than others. Its better than being attracted to someone's money, surely?

Men are attracted to women because of their looks all the time. I wonder what attracted the older man in this thread to the OP?

while looks wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, age certainly would. I'm sure that a man of 65 is attractive, if you're 65. But not at 41. And ten years is a much longer time between 65 and 75 than it is between 40 and 50, and even longer than between 30 and 40.

I had a friend who got together with a man who was 45 years older than her. The relationship definitely had a power imbalance, but that aside, from the time they got together when she was in her 20's and he was in his 70's they went from being able to be together, go out together, have as normal a relationship as you would with that age difference, to him developing parkinsons, having to be on daily medication and eventually having to go into a care home, at which point she left him.

Looking back the age difference always left them mismatched, and when he fell ill she wasn't able to cope.

Yes, it could be argued that illness can strike at any time, but the older you are the more likely that possibility becomes.

Scremesford it is a shame because there is so much more to anyone other than what they look like.

I get different people get attracted by different things and clearly you need to fancy your other half but I just don't like the way society puts so much stall by looks as the main thing people are attracted by.

But then I don't get all this fancying celebrities shit so perhaps it is just me!

I have always fancied men on personality and not looks.

Yeah being attracted by a man's money is even worse, agree with you on that one. Men are a lot more visual I will grant you that one too.

I really don't get why age is such a big deal. If you get on with someone then you get on with them regardless of whether they are 20 years older or younger than you.

People are a lot more active and healthy even into their 80s than used to be the case. My uncle was over 10 years older than my aunt and when he was in his 80s there were regular comments as to how she would be when he'd gone. She sadly died in her 70s and he's shortly 90 - still driving, living in his own house without assistance and gets out and is active.

I get the it's more likely something will happen to the older partner comments but there are no guarantees and you can't live your life based on something that might not happen. Make the most of now as life is fucking short.

ComeDownToMe Scremesford it is a shame because there is so much more to anyone other than what they look like.

No, its not a shame to not fancy someone or have a relationship with them because you don't find them physically attractive. Attractive people also have personalities!

That would mean everyone should go out with anyone, irrespective of their appearance. That doesn't actually happen in real life though.

I'd have struggled to see any man in his 40s or 50s as 'attractive' when I was 28. But I was horribly superficial for many years and only gave a second glance to attractive men - the world seemed full enough of me who looked pretty and were also intelligent/charming/funny, to never have to bother about the plain janes.

Do some older men deliberately home in on women they think are more vulnerable/less confident or who don't have much interest from men who are their contemporaries?

That's what I can't get away from - the sense that an older person could easily be much more emotionally intelligent therefore manipulative, of a younger person.

Bloke next door in his 50s (no looker - in fact he looks like an angry prune) with wife in her 20s (face like slapped arse so also no looker if we're talking about attractiveness)seems deeply manipulative. We've heard him shouting at her that she is a 'fat cow' (she makes Skeletor look like James Corden). He is constantly showing up in swanky shiny new clothes. She has worn a dirty black anorak all day every day for two years and counting. A lot of their arguing seems to be him whining about her being lazy - then he sends her out to polish his car for two hours. There is a definite parent/child dynamic with the older partner assuming the role of parent.

But I bet five years ago or whatever, she could have written the OP's post.

Comedowntome My DP ain't much to look and is older than the bloke getting slagged off on here. But I find him sexy as fuck. Great personality, funny, charming, charismatic and the connection we have with each other all make him attractive to me. Not to mention kind, loving and caring

Ditto, my DH and he is older than your DH for sure, but this isn't the point is it? I'm not in my twenties, thirties, forties etc. No one's judging the older man, I have one and he is all that and more. However, he is married to me (not anyone else!) and our age gap is small. No one is saying the older man can't be attractive but this one sounds distinctly unattractive screwing a young girl behind his wife's back.

Scremesford my point was some people won't bother getting to know someone if they're not God's gift in the looks department. OLD for example. I'm saying attraction can develop when you get to know someone. The first time and yonks afterwards I met my DP I would never have thought I would lust after him something crazy but I do.

ComeDownToMe Scremesford my point was some people won't bother getting to know someone if they're not God's gift in the looks department. OLD for example. I'm saying attraction can develop when you get to know someone. The first time and yonks afterwards I met my DP I would never have thought I would lust after him something crazy but I do.

Interesting debate, but who exactly wants a relationship that much that you almost force yourself to keep seeing a man you aren't interested in? That's beginning to sound like some line that rather deranged type of man comes out with to persuade a reluctant woman to continue seeing them.

I'm making a random guess here, but I suspect it is not the personality of the women involved that attracts older men to younger women. I'm wondering why all these older men aren't getting to know women the same age as themselves of maybe 20 or 25 years older than them, who might have lovely personalities and great world experience, so they can let attraction develop over time.

Its not as if its 150 years ago and women had to base their choice of husband on whether he could provide for her or not!

Roussette my DP is nearly 20 years older than me so I do have an age gap but it's never been a problem for us.

The bloke in the OPs situation does seem a dick I agree. Affairs happen but it is very unpleasant to discuss having kids with the OP while he is still married to his wife. I think he's stringing her along and telling her what she wants to hear so she doesn't tell him to fuck off.

Scremesford I ain't advocating anyone going out with someone they don't fancy. More relationships developing out of a friendship when you never envisaged it being anything more. Yeah likely to be looks based from the older man's attraction to the younger woman, at least initially.

Interesting debate I agree.

I think that having a great personality is attractive. I think that cheating is indicative of a selfish, rotten personality.

^^ this exactly this

but attraction is subjective. I am VI so actual looks are not something which mean anything to me iyswim. But someone who was already sexually active before I was born I would find a very unattractive thing. It's not their fault, it's down to their age, but the idea of it would turn me off instantly, so it wouldn't matter how lovely they were, someone who was that much older than me just wouldn't be an attractive prospect. at all.

Attractive doesn't necessarily mean their physical appearance, although of course you do have to be physically attracted to someone to want to sleep with them.

This makes my skin crawl.
It's like my current partner and daughter getting together in 5 years time.
Eeewwwww......

A man of that age with children may well have had a vasectomy.
Please take this into account as well.
It's very common.

He's feeding you a load of bullshit to keep getting into your knickers.
Seriously, my skin in crawling.
He sounds like a creep.
Sorry

On a practical level, I am starting to feel my age. Stuff that even five years ago would have been no trouble, take longer, knackers me out, more, or I suffer for the next day or so.
Once over 50 you do begin to take stock. Take property porn, I automatically rule out a house with too many steps, in 15 or 20 years I might not be able to mange them
Do you fancy being a carer OP.

On a moral level. You are the one without a leg to stand on.

do you fancy being a carer

What an irrelevant thing to say. And insensitive to people who care for beloved partners no matter what their age.

You really lost me at that point.

"I'm afraid I also do wonder whether the woman struggles to attract a more physically attractive partner her own age. Getting an older man is easy, if you are young and remotely attractive. Its much harder to get a serious boyfriend your own age, at least partly because they have more choices. Older men aren't going to turn down a younger woman for all the reasons a man their own might do, they are just grateful to have a female that's younger full stop."

WOW Scremersford that is an incredibly misogynistic comment. Im 42 and have no trouble attracting men. In fact in the last 2 years ive been asked out by men ranging in age from 21 to 59.

And i like a man to look a bit lived in....like he has fun. eg. there is an actor called Chris Larkin that fits this criteria.

As for George Clooney and Brad Pitt etc. Im sure they are very nice but i dont fancy someone just because the media tells me to.

Guess the absolutely stunning Lauren Bacall couldnt attract someone her own age and so had to "settle" for Humphrey Bogart

This is a massive waste of your time and will bring a lot of heartache.
I also think 24 years is too much of an age gap especially for having children. It doesn't make any difference what anyone says though. You will be trapped in this relationship until you get hurt as is the way with these things. You can't listen to others when you're in love. If you were sure about this whole thing you wouldn't have posted though. Hopefully he will break your heart sooner rather than later.

Helena sorry, but that's what I do wonder. It really isn't that difficult to get an older man if you're a younger woman. There isn't so much competition for them.

I haven't really heard of some of the people you mention, or only vaguely. I have no idea what age gap if any there would have been between Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart. George Clooney is an old man and Brad Pitt lost it long ago.

Imagine having a relationship with someone who had such a completely different set of cultural norms. Maybe its not an issue for some, but I agree with previous poster that 10 or maybe 12 years is still pretty much the same generation but 24 or 25 years - no.

I hope the OP did stick around silently for a while.

My heart literally aches for him when I'm not with him.
I'm now in a relationship with someone I can't see all the time - we are both separated with kids and don't want to/can't have our new partners round all the time. I'd never been in a "thwarted lovers" relationship like that before and it is emotional and exciting. I can see why an affair can feel profound.

Is it naive to think I wouldn't find this again with someone younger? I feel like he is my soulmate.
You know the answer to that yourself. There are 9 billion people in the world! It's too late to do anything about the affair now; your partner has already mucked up his marriage and hurt his family whether you break up or not. But of course you still have a chance to make something better of your life. If you like the thrill of a thwarted love affair go for a divorcee or someone living in another country! But don't put yourself down by thinking he's your only chance.