I'm 28, he's 52. I'm in love and don't know what to do

[Hellobearbear]

Just that really.

I've never felt so connected to someone or so attracted.

I want kids, he is prepared to do this, and he already has two of his own.

My heart literally aches for him when I'm not with him.

Is it naive to think I wouldn't find this again with someone younger? I feel like he is my soulmate. But I don't want to look back in ten years and wonder if I made the wrong choice. I don't know what to do.

In my experience the only people who trot out "soulmate" are those that know their behaviour is wrong and feel the need to justify it, usually when having an affair. It doesn't wash, sorry.

I fucking knew you'd be an OW before I opened this.

The older you get, ironically, the creepier you find it. As in your 50s you're likely to have teenage or grown up kids yourself - how a bloke could have a 20 odd year old child, then contemplate shagging someone the same age... It does make you wonder what was going through their minds when, say their kids' female mates came round...

Would you similarly wonder whether or not the 50-year-old man in a relationship with a 50-year-old woman, is having sexual thoughts about her 50-year-old friends when they visit?

It is theoretically possible that he might be, no matter what his age or the age of his partner. But why is it something you would put much thought into without some overt reason to.

Even before I read the bit where you said it was an affair, I was still gonig to say DON'T DO IT.

I'm 29 and have just come out of a 2 year relationship with a man who was 21 years older. He promised the marriage and kids, even though he'd done it all before. But when it came down to making plans, he backed out of it said he couldn't deal with it and left. I'm now heartbroken.

But as your man is also cheating on his current partner, even more red flags IMO.

Think you need to sort your self out tbh. He's a married man with kids, you ache for what you can't have that's all.

You sound terribly immature, discussing and entertaining fantasies of kids with a man old enough to be your Dad, based on excitement! !

He's somebody else's husband, he has his own kids. If he was a decent person and simply unhappy, he would have left his wife the dignified way and after that considered a new relationship.

Sorry but you need to get a grip! Your the same age as me yet sound about 17!!

Echt The nauseating ageism angry on this thread aside, and by that I mean the horrible comments about appearance, the OP is very foolish.

Why? People can be as ageist as they want in their personal attractions. Its obvious that a lot of women are completely put off by the appearance of older men. Why pretend that isn't the case? Older men will have wrinkles, and be saggier, and balder, and all those other things I don't want to think about, than someone your own age.

Fair enough if your personal terms of attraction don't bother about those things. It doesn't mean everyone else is the same. My personal viewpoint is that much older men with much younger women is always a swindle for the woman, except in very rare cases.

I'm afraid I also do wonder whether the woman struggles to attract a more physically attractive partner her own age. Getting an older man is easy, if you are young and remotely attractive. Its much harder to get a serious boyfriend your own age, at least partly because they have more choices. Older men aren't going to turn down a younger woman for all the reasons a man their own might do, they are just grateful to have a female that's younger full stop.

Added to that, most older men either tend to be cheats or divorced for good reason. Again, disclaimer if you are one of the lucky few in a relationship with an older man who is none of that and happy. All I know is that my friends and I avoided them like the plague, they were so bloody annoying.

I hope the reason you've not come back to your thread is that you've already run for the hills.

He doesn't love you. He loves shagging a young woman, he loves the excitment, he loves thinking he's still 'got it'. He won't love leaving his wife, he won't love breaking up his family (will you love splitting a family up?), he probably won't love the reality of living with a woman young enough to be his daughter (what a fucking cliche!), anymore than you will love living with a man old enough to be your dad. He won't love trying to divide his time between two families - Xmas, birthdays, holidays etc. He won't love the financial commitment of having two families. He won't love the fall-out of a marriage break-up, that is one hundred % his own fault, amongst his wider family, friends, work colleagues - who will all think he is a twat for acting out his mid-life crisis. You wn't love living with a man who is a proven cheater, forever worried about which young woman he's now shagging.

That is the best case scenario reality, not the roses around the door dream you've conjured up for yourself. Worst case is you spend more time (months, years, decades) chasing someone else's husband who eventually gets fed up with you and dumps you, or you come to your senses and dump him.

Go on your merry way now. Find someone your own age who is not already married with a family.

I don't know about finding it creepier the older you get - at 28, the thought of having sex with a 52 year old would have turned my stomach.

Wasted life? Knew a woman who did that. Teacher, fell for another (married) teacher and spent her life as his bit on the side. They couldn't plan to go out, as his wife only told him her arrangements at the last minute, so Teacher-woman had to be ready to go out at the drop of a hat, whenever he got a spare minute. They had a week together once a year, which they managed by taking school trips to the same place (they worked in different schools). A colleague brought her toddlers into school one day and I think was the only one who noticed Teacher-woman's eyes fill with tears. She had wasted her life, her chance of having children, on someone else's husband. I'm speculating but I suspect at that moment, she didn't think it was worth it.

Her life might be no less wasted if he did leave he wife and kids "for" her. I hope his wife finds out and kicks him into touch, as it's her life that's being wasted, currently. And the kids'.

"It's not remotely ageist to think snagging somebody the same age as your parents is ewww." this on the whole we are not programmed to find people that much older than us attractive, that partly has to do with one's ability to procreate, but the fact that people do a double take at a couple who are so different in age shows that this is not generally considered the norm because you don't grow up together - one of you will be widowed at a younger age, potentially take on the role of carer and the balance will always be out.

I'm 41, I find the idea of sleeping with someone of 65 repulsive, not least because they would be a year older than my parents .

Similarly however I don't think that if I started pursuing a seventeen year old that would go down too well either, and I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who was only four years older than my own ds.

That's not ageist, it's normal.

There is something deeply wrong with the idea that someone could be attracted to someone who it would only be considered legally acceptable to sleep with once you reached your 40's (if you consider a 24 year age gap).

Here is a bit of a moral judgement and all my experience.
My exH had an affair with a woman 3 years older than DS1. He told her our relationship was like a brother and sister. He proposed to her. Promised her children and a future. They were in love. I found out, kicked him out then divorced him. He immediately dumped her when it was no longer their intimate secret and has spent the years since declaring his love for me and trying to get me back. He can fuck off though.
The OW, however, was heartbroken and totally shamed in our village. She ended up moving away. Her parents can't look anyone in the eye. I believe they were devastated. We live in a small community.
Fuck her though. She knew what she was getting into. For two years after the shit hit the fan, my two children were on antidepressants, had counselling, screwed up their exams, both dropped out of college/university and DS2 has had further counselling and medication for mental health.
That is my experience.
My judgement is you are a cunt.

I generally like that Mumsnet has contributors who aren't mums, or even parents but having read this thread straight after the contraception one I do wonder why people think Mumsnet is the place to come for support on these issues.

Support for having an affair with a married man SweetAdeline. Is there a forum in existence where someone could find that!

Would you similarly wonder whether or not the 50-year-old man in a relationship with a 50-year-old woman, is having sexual thoughts about her 50-year-old friends when they visit?

Er.... no.

I'm not sure I understand how posters being mums or not is relevant here adeline. Do you think the op would have got a better reception from people who aren't mums?

Purple not really. Just that "Mumsnet" seems a strange place to ask for advice about whether you should have a relationship with someone else's husband.

Whether the op is a mum or not doesn't really make any difference though-mums have affairs too. The deluded bit was thinking any forum with people on it would condone someone having an affair with a married person (unless it was a specialist affairs forum!).

When a man leaves his wife for a mistress it creates a vacancy....If he's done it to his wife he will do it to you...are you prepared for that

I remember seeing a similar post (much younger woman going loopy about an older married man) on a forum which was almost exclusively used by teenagers and people in their twenties, and the reaction of condemnation was much the same. Maybe a bit more "Ewww, don't fancy yours much" thrown in.

Its pretty much a social taboo for any age group. For good reason. The OP's backed a loser.

Ok then.

OP you are getting a rough time on here as the OW I did too but take the advice you find helpful and ignore the insults rest.

If this man leaves his wife or she finds out and chucks him out and he goes to you it will be fucking hard even without an age gap.

Your relationship needs to be really strong to cope with the guilt (yours and your partners), the devastated ex and kids and the shit that will get flung your way. The gossip, dirty looks you get and knowing you have caused unimaginable hurt to innocent people. People your DP purports to love - that fucks with your head too.

His ex will hate you and so will his kids and it's a bloody rocky road. This is, of course, assuming he does leave his wife. You could spend years waiting for him to leave and he stays with her.

If you didn't have doubts about your relationship I don't think you would have posted. You're not sure enough and believe me you need to really be sure before you break a family up. If you have doubts now it won't work because it's fucking hard if you don't have doubts.

My DP is nearly 20 years older than me and although I'm older than you - you're still young - we've never discussed our age gap in terms of our relationship. It's just not been an issue but it clearly is an issue for you. If it's right you don't need to question it.

You're not sure enough and believe me you need to really be sure before you break a family up.

Diddums.
Yes OP, do please be sure about your own selfish wants before you go any further.

And in the meantime, just keep fucking him whilst he goes home to his unsuspecting wife and children.

Vile.

I'm 52 and not remotely decaying and repulsive. And I fancy at least one 32-year old madly (Aidan Turner). Having said that, it's not a particularly good age gap for an actual relationship IMP.