The OW threatened my daughter

[Bloodywellhowmuch]

Hi

My DD (15) sent the ex OW a private Facebook message yesterday and called her a few names and asked if her husband and son were aware of her antics with her dad. The other woman messaged back asking my daughter for proof and she replied that her dad had told her about it. The OW then threatened my daughter with the police for slander and told her that if either my DD or I said anything to her again she would go to them. I haven't said anything to her since I found out about her in February.

She also forwarded the messages to my stbexh, but not her responses (which I did last night when I got them from my DD). My stbexh has told our DD that he is disappointed in her for sending them and I think he is out of line. The had an argument last night when he came to drop of DS2, I wasn't back from uni at this point so I wasn't here to see what happened. The upshot of the argument is that DS2 is now aware of the whole reason his dad left and he is obviously upset and had a bit of a break down last night when I got home.

I have posted a FB status about the difference between slander and defamation (not that she will read it as she is blocked) but it made me feel a little better.

I don't know why I've posted here, I think I just want a little bit of support about it all.

I don't doubt that your employers may have had a libel case, SuperFly. The point is that it won't have been a criminal case, therefore no police involvement and no possibility of a conviction.

You said that the police could well speak to a teenager about libel or slander. Clearly they wouldn't.

The mere fact that the OW denies the affair wouldn't give her grounds for a defamation case. After all, Jonathan Aitken took libel proceedings denying that he was guilty of corruption - look how far that got him.

The daughter is not mean at all! The daughter is 100% in the right. These adulterers should know this is what happens. Why should teenage children pussy foot around adult sensibilities when the adults have acted so badly? The adults get everything that is coming to them.

Also in life secrets are better out - let this adulterous couple husband and the OW have to cope with the truth being out. Why spare their precious little feelings by keeping things hidden? They chose to put lust above their families so must pay the price.

Timely, you think that OP's daughter is not involved when her parents split up because her father is shagging someone else? What planet are you on?

Or are you the OW?

OW sounds very scared indeed.

Although the affair is supposedly over if she was texting all the time last weekend then it's not really over as such, is it?

OP stop doing dirty laundry on FB, it will make people think less of you. Have long chats with your dd as to why all this is of no value and will make her feel worse.

Sounds as if the affair is pretty common knowledge and the OW's husband will find out anyway.

As if the police would get involved in this - nonsense!

OP- I think your daughter sounds great -well done to her for kicking up a fuss.

I have been your daughter and I was all compliant and reasonable and 'non Jeremy Kyle' about my mum's affair and vile lover. The consequence was my mum could preen later that the whole horrible fall out hadn't really affected me. No - just fucked up my life for years with insecurity and suppressed grief - but as long as you don't make a fuss, eh?

I wish I had had been more up front and vocal and expressed my anger like your daughter. Why should a 15 year old behave well when the adults are acting like utter shits? I think her response was healthy.

In defence of the OP, she only put one thing on FB about slander and defamation, probably not wise, OW didnt see it, but other than she's kept a silence about the whole thing since Feb.

I also wish I had spoken out back when my dad left. I still harbour so much resentment against the way he behaved (and the lies he told) but things have moved it on and I don't feel I can bring it up now:

Perhaps the dd should be venting at the one who broke her heart & tore her family apart (her father), in that case. If it wasn't this ow, it would have been someone else, so her anger, while understandable, is misplaced.

I just totally disagree with this. If you shag someone who is married with kids then you deserve to be called for it. The 'don't blame the OW' opinion on here in just bullshit IMO.

OP I understand what your dd did and why.

My 16 year old son sent a very mean message to his step-mum's new boyfriend. The situation was very different than yours but he was hurt and he was angry and he didn't know how else to deal with it. I never told him off. I did point him in the direction of how to deal with it better in future but I understood why he did it and never once blamed him.

People who are blaming your daughter are being crazy. She is 15, she is hurting and doesn't have the maturity to deal with that appropriately. Mind you, I might want to do the same as a 34 year old.

They both brought it on themselves didn't they? Don't like the consequences, well tough shit for them really. As for her dad being disappointed in her? What a fucking arsehole! I can't believe he would have the cheek to ever utter those words to a hurting child, a hurt that he created. Fuck him.

I wish I had some good advice for you but I don't.

Perhaps the dd should be venting at the one who broke her heart & tore her family apart (her father), in that case. If it wasn't this ow, it would have been someone else, so her anger, while understandable, is misplaced.

Well, no matter what he has done he is her dad and she still loves him.

It will hurt her much less to put more of the blame onto the OW. And she knew what she was doing, so she is just as guilty.

I agree Tali one small remark on Facebook from the OP is nothing given the circumstances. It's not like she did this :

If the OW wants to pursue anybody for defamation or slander then she better have deep pockets because it's a civil matter and she will have to pay to take it to court. On the basis of one private message she will probably be laughed out of the solicitors office.

Malicious communications on the other hand are a criminal matter and would be of interest to the police. In this case, one angry private message from a 15 year old to the OW, to which the OW has responded in kind, they are more than likely to tell the OW to get a grip.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine, she had a long running nasty text exchange with an ex. She took it to the police and on the basis of the messages he had sent, he was arrested, charged and given a conditional caution for sending offensive/nuisance communications. There weren't that many and i think under tthe legislation even a single communication is considered worthy of punishment.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much. Just tell your DD not to do it again. It's not worth the risk.

You can indeed be prosecuted for sending abusive messages by Facebook and I know of people who have been. Yes it's a small fine but it's a criminal record. It's a really poor thing to do and your dd should be told that.

To those who are saying that the OP's daughter should tell the OW's family - why crush other children? I don't really understand why anyone would want to spread this misery.

I don't really understand why people think the DD behaved so awfully.
She sent a private message asking the OW if the rest of the family knew she had been shagging. (and some insults, sure). That's not public, it's not a threat or extortion or even untrue.

As for keeping secrets for people who try to screw you/and your mother over, nah, I wouldn't bother. It would just..slip out.

Helmet the children of the OW didn't screw anyone over. But they should have their world torn apart just for the sake of revenge. In the long run, what will it achieve? Will it bring her family back together? Will it even make her feel much better? No it really really won't. Instead, it could actually end up making her feel worse. We actually don't know anything about these people's lives apart from what OP has told us. We don't know if the OW has already told her husband and if he has forgiven her..we just don't know and certainly should not be encouraging a child to get involved in adult affairs.

You can indeed be prosecuted for sending abusive messages by Facebook and I know of people who have been. Yes it's a small fine but it's a criminal record. It's a really poor thing to do and your dd should be told that.

I would be prepared to bet that those cases were in the realm of threats, racist abuse or stalking. There is no way whatsoever that OP's daughter would be prosecuted for asking the OW whether her husband and child knew about her activities.

Crabbit, OP clearly isn't encouraging her child to get involved. But a 15 year old can't necessarily be kept out of it by force. If the OW hasn't told her children she's an idiot, given that she knows that her lover's daughter goes to the same school.

I'd agree, OPs DD is highly unlikely to be able to keep it from the OWs kids. She is hurt and won't see the logic that requires her family to be hurt by it yet the OWs family get to carry on as normal.

All you can really hope for is that OPs DD grows up a lot in a short space of time and doesn't feel obliged to be nasty, start a slanging match or fight over this. I am sure many teenagers would. Having been one, many moons ago, I am pretty sure the niceties of ensuring someone else didn't hurt as much as I did would have passed me by.

At that age I am sure I would have told the other kid what her slapper mum had done with my disgusting dad... I may even have bristled enough to cause a bit of a fight.

But that is just something else the families of adulterers get to learn how to cope with/live through/survive!

The OW is highly unlikely to call in police, is she? How would she explain that to her dh and ds? "Honey, I'm ringing the police. This 15yo girl is harassing me because I had an affair with her... um... well, nevermind then."

If your OH rang police about a phone call or harassment, wouldn't you want to know what was going on?

OP I think you've handled this situation really well.

I'm shocked that there are so many posters piling in to criticise your DD. Of course she shouldn't have done it, but she's a 15yo child whose family has fallen apart and has to face the OW's DS, she cannot be held to the same expectations of behaviour that we'd apply to an adult. Of course she does need to understand that she mustn't do it again, but it seems that you've dealt with this admirably, your ex hasn't.

It always astounds me how sanctimonious people like OW can be, when all the time they're committing adultery. It's disgraceful, but stay away and retain your dignity and hope her life goes tits up when/if she's found out. It must be shit on your ex that he's left his family and she's still playing happy families with hers.

GruntledOne

My post was to Helmet not OP.

We don't know if the OW has already told her husband and if he has forgiven her..we just don't know and certainly should not be encouraging a child to get involved in adult affairs.

This is a really good point. If the "OW" and her DH have worked through the affair, and kept it from their DCs (as, IMO, they should) then the OPs DD blurting it out to their DS could be catastrophic for the DCs relationship with his parents. What teen is going to understand, let alone forgive, his mother for an affair, or his father for continuing the marriage?

The OP isn't sure that the affair is continuing (yes, there have been texts, but she also refers to her as the exOW) - she and her DH tried to reconcile unsuccessfully.
How would it have impacted on the family if, while they were trying to recover their marriage, the OW DS had told the OPs DD about the affair?

I can understand a 15 year old, who is angry and hurting doing what she did, but it wasn't ideal. What I don't understand is her mother not explaining that its really not the thing to do, but letting it go. Then her mother teaching her by example that is putting your dirty laundry on Facebook is actually acceptable. Why on earth would any adult not only do that, but do it showing such a crass example to their child?

This is not a concern to dd or op.
I'm always surprised that posters think people who have been cheated on 'owe' it to protect the cheats.
They don't.
If you find out someone's shitty little secret- you are under no obligation to look after them.
As for having the kids 'world torn apart', that's ridiculous. The information is out there- they just happen to be the last to know- that's often the most humiliating thing of all.

I really don't understand the whole "lets not blame the ow" nonsense that gets posted on this forum.

Yes the H is a complete cunt for cheating but the OW is just as much as a cunt. This whole "he broke is vows" is utter shit. If you fly with the crows, you get shot with the crows as my granny used to say

Again she is a 15 year old child who is completely heart broken and all over the place. I can say with my hand on heart I would do the same.