The OW threatened my daughter

[Bloodywellhowmuch]

Hi

My DD (15) sent the ex OW a private Facebook message yesterday and called her a few names and asked if her husband and son were aware of her antics with her dad. The other woman messaged back asking my daughter for proof and she replied that her dad had told her about it. The OW then threatened my daughter with the police for slander and told her that if either my DD or I said anything to her again she would go to them. I haven't said anything to her since I found out about her in February.

She also forwarded the messages to my stbexh, but not her responses (which I did last night when I got them from my DD). My stbexh has told our DD that he is disappointed in her for sending them and I think he is out of line. The had an argument last night when he came to drop of DS2, I wasn't back from uni at this point so I wasn't here to see what happened. The upshot of the argument is that DS2 is now aware of the whole reason his dad left and he is obviously upset and had a bit of a break down last night when I got home.

I have posted a FB status about the difference between slander and defamation (not that she will read it as she is blocked) but it made me feel a little better.

I don't know why I've posted here, I think I just want a little bit of support about it all.

Morris, the people who are married are the ones responsible. Thusd I would always blame a husband more than the OW. However here I thought the OW was worried about HER husband finding out hence my blame on her too.

The only innocents in this are the wife and two children (and OW's familiy) . The husband and the OW will get what they deserve - such is life.

The OWs marriage is her own business. The family in the OP have been wrecked by the man's decision to cheat.

How does your DD know all the gory details?

I think dignity is the order of the day here. I'd be having a word with the DD about sending the message. It's not on, it's not behaviour you want, however justified her feelings might be (and I'd suggest you might want to shield her a bit more from it all in future).

I'd also be keeping your dirty laundry off facebook. If you can't manage that, delete your account until things calm down.

Mudslinging won't help anyone and just makes you look bad. Either you or your DD.

OW has chosen to risk her own marriage so if people fin dout she cheated tough. She should have through of that before breaking her marriage vows. She cannot blame the 15 year old girl caught in the middle of it.

It seems that the OW wasn't blaming the teenage girl, until the girl sent her an abusive message, to which she responded in kind.

Support your DD, but keep it off FB, ffs! But having had much the same thing happen to me when I was 16, although my parents told me that my father had had an affair, I think I'd like to have been brave enough to tell both the OW and my father what I thought of them. Instead I just avoided them. But my father reaps what he sowed, as will your exH.

I've come to feel that when my father had an affair (well several apparently), it was not just about my parents' relationship. It symbolised his abandonment of the whole family set up & his desire to get out of it, and forget about his responsibilities & commitments. Many years later, it still makes me seethe that so many men get to wlk away from their commitments & responsibilities.

So good for your DD really. But keep it all off FB, and talk her through, in a supportive way, about why she really shouldn't waste her precious feelings, energy & time on the OW.

Of course the OW is in the wrong and I don't blame a teenager for sending a message (but how on earth does she know the details?) Your FB post is childish and not helpful at all. You'll end up looking like the biggest arse if you continue vaguebooking (even though you're not at fault in the situation). You need to be the bigger person and keep it off the internet.

Wow some people.
Yes your daughter shouldn't have done that but it's easy for an adult to say that.
She's a 15yr old child who doesn't have the experience of how to deal with a huge life changing event, which no doubt is being fuelled by equally inexperienced friends. She needed an outlet and at 15 social media is an easy way to do it.
It's a good thing your son knows it's not fair on him keeping the truth from him. Although hard now in the long run its far better for all of you.
Your ex needs a slap, he may well have been disappointed in how she behaved but seen as its all caused by him he needed to take it and realise what he's done and the effect it's having on his kids.
You need to reinforce the idea that if your daughter needs an outlet or chat about things she can come to you. She may well feel that she can't talk properly to you because of the hurt your going through. She needs to know lashing out is a normal reaction but not always the best.
Stay strong this will pass and you will all come out the other side xx

The DD is only 15 and clearly very hurt. Whilst sending a message was clearly a mistake it is understandable in the circumstances. It was a private message rather than a public one that others could see according to the OP.

The OW is a grown woman presumably in her 30s or 40s with her own children. Her response is appalling and stupid. The father seems to be an exceptionally selfish man for his behaviour and lack of understanding of his DC's feelings.

OP- please don't let this get dragged out on FB or any other social media.

I think that your dd's action was entirely understandable. We think FB is the devil, but for young people it's what they do.

I think you posting was also understandable. You're defending your dd on the medium she relates to.

The OW and your stbex are both behaving like guilty people who don't want to be found out. Childish and selfish. But if they weren't childish and selfish they wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

Tell your stbex to grow the fuck up, and take his knocks.

I'm sorry your son is upset. He'd have found out some time whatever you did. Better to have taken the bull by the horns and told him, age appropriately of course, when it first happened, but we all learn by experience, and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Good luck, anyway

FB is how 15 year olds communicate - so there is nothing odd about her sending a private message. This is not JK because DD is not doing anything in public. No one else can see the comments.

Good for your dd.
Your ex, and the ow owe her an apology. Their actions have ripped her family apart and at 15 she is not adult enough to manage that as a grown woman would.

I don't blame her at all. Cunt of an ex on the other hand.

Your daughter shouldn't have sent the message and you shouldn't have posted a passive-aggressive status about slander and defamation.

But it is your STBEX who needs to deal with this.

Good grief, the sanctimony!

OP, your stbxh brought this on himself. Not only in having the affair but in telling his DD. What did he think she would do? She is old enough to understand yet young enough to react childishly.

And wtf did he think he was doing having an argument with her in front of your younger DS, who he had not already told?

Have a chat with them both, reassure them that they can talk to you, they don't need to get involved, fight your battles, that, despite his recent actions, their dad still loves them, etc.

Then tell him, forcefully , that if he wants to retain a reasonable relationship with his kids he had best start acting like an adult, and if he could persuade the OW to do the same his kids would be better off.

And leave him and the OW to it.

Oh no.

This has to be kept off of Facebook.

I know your DD and you are hurting, but keeping it off of Facebook will at least mean you and your DD will get through this, with your dignity still very much intact.

Unlike your ex and the OW.

Why are all the adults involving a child in their battles? Your poor DD being used as a pawn by you all.

I was 20 when I found out my dad was having an affair. I found emails on his computer and I sent one to the ow immediately, calling her all sorts of names, telling her that she was pathetic for picking up married men on the Internet.

Am I proud of it? No. Did it achieve anything? No.

Basically I was devastated and my emotions were out of control. I honestly can't believe the lack of understanding shown to a child who was clearly devastated and angry. I know exactly how she feels. She may regret her actions later, but right now she needs support, not condemnation.

This is no longer about the OW or your ex. Now you need to put all of your energy reserves into you and your DC. I know it's so so so hard, but the best thing you can do for your children is NOT encouraging or supporting their anger, grief, revenge and hurt, but supporting their recovery in positive ways. Getting to the root of these emotions and sorting that out.

It may have given your daughter (and you) a moment or two of buzz and satisfaction to send the message on FB but ultimately it has led to her being more upset and hurt than before. Of course people were going to be angry at her (rightly or wrongly) and now she feels like her DD is choosing the OW all over again by reacting angrily to her actions.

Please stop posting your issues on facebook. You are responsible to some fragile young lives. You need to teach by example how to handle situations like this....and that's not by lashing out on FB but by keeping your dignity, and focussing on the great stuff in your life.

I would also discourage your daughter from telling the OW's family. Will it really make you and your daughter feel better to hurt more children? It's not your business or your place.

If my dad had told me he was disappointed in me in this situation I'd have laughed in his face. He needs to think how disappointed she must be in his behaviour.

It sounds like your dd is very angry (understandably). He has let her down too. There were many ways he could have ended your relationship that would have caused her less pain. You need to help her channel/manage that anger.

I was having counselling (for a different reason) when my dad left in similar circumstances. I ended up talking about the situation a lot and it really helped. Is there someone less involved she could talk to? It's hard to realise that your dad doesn't have the integrity you thought they did and that they didn't take steps to protect your feelings.

I can't support either yours or your DD's behaviour, to put something on fb is silly as is to message the OW. I know your upset, and you have absolutely every right but you need to lead by example and grow up a little bit, have conversations face to face, not through the computer screen. Show your DD that lying cheating behaviour is not acceptable without conversing with OW, all this seems to have done is cause unnecessary upset.

Your children should talk to their dad, tell him what they are feeling. He needs to know, but don't give him cause to take moral high ground!

Good for your DD.

Her life has been blown apart and she's done the only thing she can in the circumstances - told the OW what she thinks of her and threatened to tell her family.

I hope it made your DD feel better to get it off her chest and regain a little bit of control.

I'm impressed that she sent a private message, I'm not sure I'd have had that self control at 15. I think I would have turned up on her doorstep actually!

I'm sure she's angry and disappointed with her dad too, but she can't help loving him, so it's perfectly understandable that all of the blame is currently directed at OW.

And actually OW is to blame too. Or at least she's not blameless. She's a disgusting person, capable of cheating on her own family with an equally disgusting man. How did she expect it all to end? It always ends like this. With innocent people hurt, pain, chaos and the absolute shame of the perpetrators.

The correct response from OW would have been silence or an apology. In fact, her response suggests that she is terrified of her DH finding out so, if it was me, I'd be telling him. If I was in two minds before, that response to my DD would have sealed the deal.

But no public messages on FB, too tawdry.

Thanks for all the replies it's enlightening to read others views on this.

My DD kept it all private, I know I didn't but I haven't said a bloody word on FB or anywhere apart from on here about their affair. I still don't mention his affair in my posting, but you are right I am goading the bitch (even if she can't see it). It was posted for my DD to read and know that I am supporting her, she knows she can come to me to discuss how she feels but isn't doing very much. I have 3 DC and the youngest is 13 and has autism which is why he wasn't told the whole truth as I didn't want additional meltdowns because of it.

I did talk to both kids last night about it and said that this isn't the way forward and we should all be a little bit more mature in our outlook and with what we do, but that I understood how they were feeling.

stbexh has text this morning to find out how DD is and I've told him that she is angry with him as am I, about him telling her he was disappointed with her. She is right that she is disappointed with her dad and his behaviour and that she just wants the exOW to suffer as she is doing.my dd's words were 'how does she get off scott free and I'm hurting like this'. My DD knows the DS of the OW and feels as if he needs to know. I have told her not to be the bearer of the news.

That all sounds very wise, the way you are handling it.

If you are taking back a husband who cheated they don't have to get off scott free. there are loads of things people do in that situation - eg make sure he does s/ay all the family cooking or takes on more of the dull domestic stuff (less time to stray if he's spending Saturday mornings cleaning the house etc). Others sign post nuptial agreements drawn up by lawyers which say if you stray again you pay ABC. You certainly don;t have to accept a man back on the same terms. Eg he could offer to spend more time with the daughter, make a load of nice new concessions, spend more money on her or whatever she needs to make up.