The OW threatened my daughter

[Bloodywellhowmuch]

Hi

My DD (15) sent the ex OW a private Facebook message yesterday and called her a few names and asked if her husband and son were aware of her antics with her dad. The other woman messaged back asking my daughter for proof and she replied that her dad had told her about it. The OW then threatened my daughter with the police for slander and told her that if either my DD or I said anything to her again she would go to them. I haven't said anything to her since I found out about her in February.

She also forwarded the messages to my stbexh, but not her responses (which I did last night when I got them from my DD). My stbexh has told our DD that he is disappointed in her for sending them and I think he is out of line. The had an argument last night when he came to drop of DS2, I wasn't back from uni at this point so I wasn't here to see what happened. The upshot of the argument is that DS2 is now aware of the whole reason his dad left and he is obviously upset and had a bit of a break down last night when I got home.

I have posted a FB status about the difference between slander and defamation (not that she will read it as she is blocked) but it made me feel a little better.

I don't know why I've posted here, I think I just want a little bit of support about it all.

Just as an aside OP, if the OW's DS is at the same school as your DD, I would give them a confidential heads up so if it does come out, they can mitigate any potential problems at school, especially as DD is already having counselling. She may mention it to friends and word can get around?

Anyway, why in hell's name would STBX tell the DC who the OW is ?

To be fair, if your dd is going to go calling her names & threatening to tell her family (although it doesn't sound like dd did that directly, the "does your family know" line can be perceived as a threat to tell them) then she has to expect people to throw the same at her, to be honest.

She is still a child & meddling in adult relationships is going to get her adult answers that may upset her.

Yes, your ex is right, she is out of line. So was he to be mouthing off to her & letting your younger child hear...but in all honesty, your dd invited the battle, didn't she?

If you don't want people to throw your shitty behaviour in your face, don't behave in a shitty manner! The same can be said about the dd's behaviour though, can't it?

MO your DD should be making a formal and sincere apology for using such hideous emotional blackmail like that.

If you don't want to get called out by someone's child then you shouldn't have an affair in the first place.

Poor you and poor DD. What a load of shit your DH and this woman are putting you through.

I'm 30 years older than your DD and I might have done the same thing.

I hope you are feeling stronger this morning.

Pirate you really didn't read my post...

I said if the DD continued to send unpleasant and threatening messages she could be in trouble with the police, and she could be...

I worked for a solicitor where some cases were libel/slander and though it's rare for a teen to be convicted she could well be spoken to by them if she did it repeatedly.

I don't think your DD should apologise, and not should she have to keep his affair a secret from her brother.

I also agree no more message and NO MORE FACEBOOK

get your kids some therapy, and no matter how hurt you are (understandably) try and prioritise them as your cunt of an ex clearly isn't

I know its hard but try and be dignified and show them nothing - as trust me you will reap the benefits longer term

OP is this a current, or former relationship? Is the "OW" no longer the "OW" (you referred to her as exOW in one of your posts)? Your exDH has left again after you attempted reconciliation, but is he still seeing the OW from earlier in the year, or is she reconciled with her DH?

As for your thread title, it's rather dramatic, isn't it? I had visions of threats to hurt your DD, or worse. This woman sent your DD a FB message saying she'd report her to the police? That's not a "threat", it's a statement of intent. And as many posters have said, it's unlikely to lead to anything even if she does follow through.

Yes, your DD is young, yes, the "OW" should have ignored your DDs message, but really, you seem to be escalating this - she wasn't threatened, and it would be incredibly unhelpful to suggest to her that she has been.

It all sounds very messy, and everyone is hurting right now. However, if the "OW" had posted on MN that she was trying to save her marriage and the teenage daughter of her former lover was threatening to tell her teen son about the affair, I think the jury would be split on whether the wronged DD was justified or not.

super I did read your post.

Defamation is a civil matter. The police deal with criminal matters. You may be thinking of harassment, which incidentally, I don't believe the dd is even remotely guilty of. The police would be very reluctant to get into a facebook spat. They are facing horrendous cuts at the moment and have bigger priorities....

I worked for a solicitor where some cases were libel/slander

It is only libel/slander if it is untrue. Saying something is libellous or slanderous just because you cannot handle the fall out of your actions does not make you the victim.

The OW did have an affair with the stbexh of the op. The ow played her part in the break up of the ops family.

I think that the OW is just shit scared that the truth is coming out and her DH will learn about what she has done. Hence the very aggressive reply to the FB message (And no I agree this can't be defamation if it is the truth).

I am that her dad thought it was OK to be disappointed in her (and to tell her on the top of it). What did he expect exactely? For his stbexW and his dcs to be happy and easy in learning his deceit and how it is tearing the family apart? The OP's dd has done what a lot of other women have done before, ie contacting the OW and to tell them they know and how the heck does it make you feel to have done so much harm? Wanting revenge is also a very human reaction (It doesn't mean they should do it but then the OP's dd didn't take revenge on the OW either). And, imo, she is fully entitled to feel just as hurt as the OP does.

I think you are handling things very well OP.
I agree about trying and keep the dcs out of the issues between your ex and you. Have a word with him so that he doesn't offload onto his dcs again (whatever he wants to say to them).
I would also have no issue at all in telling people in RL the reason for the separation. Don't give ther name of the OW if you don't want to. But people need to know the truth. That's the only way you can get some RL support.

Silver it's the OP's ex who has told his dcs about the affair.

If you don't want to get called out by someone's child then you shouldn't have an affair in the first place. Perhaps the dd should be venting at the one who broke her heart & tore her family apart (her father), in that case.

If it wasn't this ow, it would have been someone else, so her anger, while understandable, is misplaced.

My DD knows the DS of the OW and feels as if he needs to know. I have told her not to be the bearer of the news.

And I hope she realises that telling the ow's dh/ds is going to do to ow's family, what it is doing to her...break their hearts & their family. She really needs to think very carefully before she decides that he needs to know.

I am aware that she doesn't owe them anything, but unfortunately, they are very likely to take it out on your dd for being the bearer of said news if she decides to tell.

I hate FB. I'm sooo glad it didn't exist when I was a teenager; the inappropriate comments I could have made...makes me cringe just thinking about it!

However, a private message based on fact from your daughter to the woman who (together with her father) has torn her world apart seems fair enough.

The police would laugh in her face unless there was something more substantial eg threats. Even then it's a stretch that they'd be interested.

Her father is a disgrace to be cross with her. But then he's currently thinking with his penis and will be worrying it might put a spanner in the works with his lady friend. Oh dear, poor him.

I can't believe the husband doesn't know. I think it's time he did, particularly as they're obviously still at it.

I said if the DD continued to send unpleasant and threatening messages she could be in trouble with the police, and she could be... I worked for a solicitor where some cases were libel/slander and though it's rare for a teen to be convicted she could well be spoken to by them if she did it repeatedly

There is no law against sending unpleasant messages; threatening, yes, but an upset 15 year old asking her father's mistress whether her husband and son are aware of her activities doesn't come within that category by any stretch of the imagination. As indicated above, libel and slander aren't criminal offences and therefore the solicitor you worked for, SuperFly, can't possibly have ever been involved in any case where anyone was convicted for them, let alone where the police spoke to a teenager about it. Furthermore, you can't libel or slander someone unless (a) it's untrue, and (b) you are publicising the untruth to someone else - contacting the person concerned directly clearly isn't publication.

pirate harassment it would probably be... If it continued...

Anyway my point to OP which still stands is her DD should not send those messages... Despite how upset she is. If the DD thinks a nasty Facebook message or any other sort of message is acceptable then she'll have a hard time in life.

If the OW denied had affair then it would be libel/slander, forget which... Of course the police are busy but they weren't too busy in the teenager's case I knew of... And the solicitors case too.

Sorry SuperFlyHigh but you are talking rubbish. If you come into a forum and make yourself out to be some expert because you used to work for a solicitor, please be very careful about the advice you are giving.

Gruntled we DID have a I believe libel case actually... But it was hard to prove and part of a family matter and in the end we advised our client not to proceed with that side of things.... It was mostly family cases to be honest where wife had seen something or other untrue in the divorce case and was kicking off....

Ah another firm I worked for - well there was a recent case we handled where a disgruntled ex employee's mother had libelled her ex employer's business (pub restaurant) on Facebook (that lovely medium again) - but I didn't know if that proceeded further... Again proof is hard in these cases.

Where did I say the police had spoken to a teenager about libel etc? I didn't say that, it was for entirely another matter.... Which I won't name here in case it outs him and his mother!

Pirate I never said I was an expert!

I simply said actions have consequences.....

If the DD thinks a nasty Facebook message or any other sort of message is acceptable then she'll have a hard time in life. **
**
My god, really? That's a tad dramatic.

I don't think it's unacceptable. I think it's entirely justified, it's minor compared to what the ow has done. My only concern is that she will regret it later and it might cause her more hurt. Sod the ow and her feelings, she clearly doesn't care about anyone else's.

I'm now hiding this thread! Ta da!

If, as the OP has suggested, the affair ended some months ago, then that would also have a bearing on the way in which the DDs actions are viewed.

Our local Police Force relies on civilian investigators for this kind of incident - sending a PCSO or local police officer round to "have a word" if it's thought the situation will escalate otherwise.

The fact that the DD in this case has (as far as the former OW is concerned) left it several months before making contact and implying that she may tell the OW DH/DS changes the perceived motive - the "ow" may not know that the OPs exDH has left the family home again.

Your daughter's behaviour was absolutely unacceptable. This is an adult matter in which she is not involved.

It's only recently that DD found out this affair, in the last month so OP may have known about it, but DD didnt and for all she knows, the affair may have continued or never even stopped at all.

Sometimes I think MN is a parallel universe...

A father tells his daughter he's leaving because he's been having an affair with person X, whom the daughter knows. Incidentally, she knows X's son too.

Daughter's family blows up all around her.

Daughter sends a message - a private message - to X and is a bit mean.

And people think the daughter is in the wrong? She's 15 and all over the place! OK it wasn't the most mature or sensible thing to do, but she's 15 and being asked to keep secrets that she doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with.

tali thanks for that, I don't know the full back story and obviously misunderstood this thread.
OP I apologise.