Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The OW threatened my daughter

135 replies

Bloodywellhowmuch · 11/11/2015 09:04

Hi

My DD (15) sent the ex OW a private Facebook message yesterday and called her a few names and asked if her husband and son were aware of her antics with her dad. The other woman messaged back asking my daughter for proof and she replied that her dad had told her about it. The OW then threatened my daughter with the police for slander and told her that if either my DD or I said anything to her again she would go to them. I haven't said anything to her since I found out about her in February.

She also forwarded the messages to my stbexh, but not her responses (which I did last night when I got them from my DD). My stbexh has told our DD that he is disappointed in her for sending them and I think he is out of line. The had an argument last night when he came to drop of DS2, I wasn't back from uni at this point so I wasn't here to see what happened. The upshot of the argument is that DS2 is now aware of the whole reason his dad left and he is obviously upset and had a bit of a break down last night when I got home.

I have posted a FB status about the difference between slander and defamation (not that she will read it as she is blocked) but it made me feel a little better.

I don't know why I've posted here, I think I just want a little bit of support about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodywellhowmuch · 11/11/2015 10:16

Forgot to add, my ex told my DD and DS1 about the affair, I had only called it a relationship that he had had (in the past) when we told them of the break up. He was the one who called it an affair and all the connotations that brings with it.

Initially I told the kids that he didn't love me anymore and that was why he was leaving, after he told them he had an affair I called it a relationship. That's how come the kids know about what happened, I'm hoping that he didn't tell them the gory details but I wasn't there when he called it an affair so I don't know.

OP posts:
SongBird16 · 11/11/2015 10:16

How have you kept this to yourself since February?

I hope this is not about saving face, or protecting him, because there is absolutely no need to do either.

You need support from your friends at the very least.

There is no need to go into detail but when you tell people you're separating, why not say 'it's because he had an affair with X'.

I'm with your DD. Why should he and OW get away with it? There's being dignified and there's being a mug.

Original poster
Bloodywellhowmuch · 11/11/2015 10:19

Deogratis - I took him back (or he didn't leave) in Feb of this year till October - I thought we were doing great, rebuilding trust and our marriage, and then out the blue he says he is leaving me - I don't want him back anymore (sometimes I do but not enough) but I agree he needs to keep a relationship with his DC

OP posts:
SweetAdeline · 11/11/2015 10:22

Your dh was an absolute idiot for telling them so much unnecessary detail. I expect the OW is terrified about her dh and DC finding out and probably wanted to scare your dd into not telling.
It's an untenable situation though. Especially if your dd knows her ds. She must be raging with your ex.

I actually think it's really unfair of your ex to burden your DC with this secret. There is no way it won't get out. One of them will tell a friend and eventually the OW's ds will hear. What a shitstorm.

Jux · 11/11/2015 10:23

Nicely done, Bloodywell Flowers

SuperFlyHigh · 11/11/2015 10:25

Although your DD is 15 and a child you MUST tell her that she MUST not (sorry for caps!) do this again, no more messages on Facebook etc... She could get in trouble legally with the police if she carries on.

I think if anything your DD needs a talk with your ex-H (her dad) so she can tell him how upset and angry etc she is with him. Then they can move on with their relationship. Of course you need support and to support your family but you know this.

SuperFlyHigh · 11/11/2015 10:26

Oh and if and when the shit hits the fan then OW will live to regret it, just mention the word karma to your DD.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/11/2015 10:26

Your ex has made a ticking bomb in telling his DC's things they didnt need to know. Children says things they regret when upset, it will come to her DS one way or another.

PhilPhilConnors · 11/11/2015 10:29

The ex has handled this badly by telling them about the affair, they are children, they shouldn't be involved.
He and the OW are reaping what they sow.
The dd is reacting in a way that most 15 yr olds will, I wouldn't be angry at all with her, although I would tell her no more messages.

Crabbitface · 11/11/2015 10:30

It sounds like you are doing the right things OP. I'd echo previous posters about potentially some counselling. Perhaps her school could offer some support around that. Good luck to you all - I hope you and your family recover from this and go on to discover that you all have amazing strength and resilience. Flowers

LucySnow12 · 11/11/2015 10:34

Really surprised at the lack of sympathy here. Sure your D shouldn't have contacted the OW but she is a child - 15 is a child. It seems to me the adults are the ones acting like asses. They are showing no understanding for the hurt their actions are causing.

Original poster
Bloodywellhowmuch · 11/11/2015 10:36

Songbird, it was about protecting the children, my eldest is at uni, living away from home and the little 2 are just that, the little 2. I know by not telling anyone in RL about it protected him and her as well, but I did want to fix it, I thought we were truly managing it. He had stopped contact with her and I thought we were moving on.

Last weekend or weekend before he was here and his phone was binging all the time with messages from her, he said it was unfortunate that I saw them come in. UNFORTUNATE ? I nearly blew my top at him then. I asked to see them and he said no as it was personal and private and that she was apologising to him WHAT THE FUCK FOR? This woman was my friend before she knew him and hasn't said a word to me since the weekend I found out about it.

I'm trying to be dignified and rise above it all but it blood well hurts and I'm angry for myself and my children. I thought we were forever and then this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodywellhowmuch · 11/11/2015 10:38

My DD's school has her a councillor on a1-2-1 basis whom she can access daily if she needs it, but has to meet up twice a week anyway because of this.

OP posts:
PirateSmile · 11/11/2015 10:41

Superflyhigh
The dd is not going to get into trouble with the Police over this and to tell her she is would be completely wrong.

StuckInARabbitHole · 11/11/2015 10:43

Your poor DD and DSs. Do not tell her off. She has done nothing wrong, they have, and her anger is completely understandable. I would be proud of her courage actually!

OW is just as culpable as STBX. She knew he was married presumably, as she is herself with her own DC, and instead of doing the decent thing and telling him to fuck off, she fucked him instead. She seems to have got off scot free, if her DH is still ignorant, after helping to destroy your children's family.

They both deserve all they get. I would be inclined to tell DD that if she wants to speak to OW's DS, to go ahead. Why should she have to keep their filthy secret, she must feel very stressed out when she sees him. I would be inclined to tell the DH too myself first. It is really not fair that he doesn't know. I would go nuts in his position.

Tell your DD the OW is not worth contacting again. She has said her piece to her, now she needs to deal with her father. She has seen that her mother was prepared to forgive his disgusting betrayal but has now left you all anyway. Encourage her to tell her father how she feels and if she doesn't want to see him for a while, let her decide that. Let her deal with it her way.

StuckInARabbitHole · 11/11/2015 10:47

Sorry. 'She has seen that her mother was prepared to forgive his disgusting betrayal but he has now left you all anyway.'

So sorry OP. He is an utter cunt and has absolutely no right to be disappointed in his DD. I hope you have told him this.

Aussiemum78 · 11/11/2015 10:48

Oh dear. It must be so inconvenient for the ow, having to deal with the consequences of her actions.

Dd is a child, she reacted in hurt and so she should. She must feel like her dad took the ow side as well.

Original poster
Bloodywellhowmuch · 11/11/2015 10:52

I have told him that I'm disappointed in him for this (funny how he hasn't replied to that text) - won't speak to me on phone - hence us texting each other).

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 11/11/2015 11:07

Dd is 15. think I would have done the same.

One thing that seems a little strange is the fact your stbxh has left his wife and family, but the ow, from what you say, is still trying to keep her dh and family in the dark.

Is it a case the ow wants to have her cake and eat it and has no intention of leaving her family for you stbx.

manana21 · 11/11/2015 11:15

i don't think your dd did anything wrong really, I'ld laugh in my dad's face if he did what your STBEXH's done and then tried to pull the 'i'm disappointed in you', he'd have lost most of his credibility as far as I was concerned. Your DD should leave it though, it'll not do her any good to feel as though she has to be your champion, counselling may be a good idea if you or stbexh can afford it, it's a difficult age for this to happen & she's been overly involved by your ex.

SuperFlyHigh · 11/11/2015 11:17

pirate depends if OW reports it or not.... I've known teens be spoken to by police re their behaviour.

PirateSmile · 11/11/2015 11:19

No it doesn't Superflyhigh. You may know teenagers who've been spoken to by the police about their behaviour but in this case, the police would not be interested.

IrianofWay · 11/11/2015 11:23

She was a distressed teenager acting in the way a distressed teenager acts - ie with immaturity and anger. She isn't to blame.

Tartyflette · 11/11/2015 11:25

Just to reiterate -- the truth is a complete defence against a charge of defamation (written or spoken), nothing else is needed. i.e. if you call someone an adulterer and they are indeed committing adultery it is not defamatory.
And you obviously have proof because STBXH has admitted it.
(ex-journo here and we had shed loads of training on this Grin )

SilverBirchWithout · 11/11/2015 11:27

I think you and your stbxh need to sit down privately and agree a better way of handling this for the DC.

It is totally inappropriate to involve DC (at any age) in the more intimate details of their parents sex lives, whether you call it a relationship or affair. Sort it out as responsible adults and walk away from FB fgs.