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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is creepy, right?

326 replies

fishfingersinmysandwiches · 07/11/2015 19:34

So this evening there was a knock at the door. I openec it and there was a man I vaguely recognise standing with a huge bunch of pink roses saying, "These are for you".

I was totally confused as I was expecting my sons friends dad (whom I've not met before) to bring my son and his friend back to my house for a sleepover, so I was thinking it was rather an over top thank you gesture for having his son over.

But the man then asked if I fancy a coffee sometime? He also gave me a separate pink rose for my daughter, "Just in case she feels left out." I looked blank and replied, "But I don't know you."

He explained that he worked at such and such a place and then it dawned on me where Ii'd seen him before. I'd been into his place of work about three months ago and as far as I'm concerned that is the only time we've ever met. He told me he'd noticed we, "Had a lot of eye contact". Er... have we??? I was too taken aback to send him packing and ended up fobbing him off with some feeble, "Er.. let me think about it and get back to you" comment. I just felt a bit frozen and weirded out to be honest.

What I want to know is how the fuck he knows where I live?

This is creepy and innappropriate, correct? My friend seems to think it's romantic but I'm not happy.

OP posts:
venki · 08/11/2015 15:05

You should definitely contact Interpol and MI5 about this. I'm pretty sure the guy has been trailing you for months and probably plans to murder you with an axe.

Lweji · 08/11/2015 15:15

Clearly it would have to be the BAU (of FBI fame) in a special UK mission in collaboration with Scotland Yard. No need to involve spooks or the Interpol, FGS.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 08/11/2015 15:27

All the people being flippant about MI5 and shit have clearly never been stalked. It doesn't start with the stalker jumping out of your cupboard brandishing a knife. It starts with the stalker building up a tiny event in his/her mind and making it a huge thing. It starts by violating your boundaries.

No need to report it yet, but there is a need to be cautious.

Lweji · 08/11/2015 15:41

(BTW, the BAU was a joke at the previous pp, not the OP, or the need to be careful)

pocketsaviour · 08/11/2015 16:11

It doesn't start with the stalker jumping out of your cupboard brandishing a knife. It starts with the stalker building up a tiny event in his/her mind and making it a huge thing. It starts by violating your boundaries.

Yes, absolutely.

There's no telling yet whether this dude is just slightly awkward and didn't think about how he'd come across, or whether he's showing the first signs of becoming a nuisance (or worse).

OP, get yourself a copy of The Gift of Fear and keep your eyes and ears open for the warning signs, if he gets back in touch.

Also, "romcoms" have a lot to answer for. I sometimes wonder if Hollywood deliberately reinforces these messages that women should accept having their boundaries violated, their "no"s ignored, their choices made irrelevant., and their personalities completely overridden on account of some bloke who wants to bone them.

amarmai · 08/11/2015 16:15

op just read your phone call post where you mention several times that he knew your full name. Wd the place of business where you ran into him have got him that info? Also you thought it was a local caller because he knew about poor cell reception -so the accent might be fake? Plus you thought he was trying not to scare you which chimes in with the manner of the man at your door. Too many red flags adding up ,op. If you do talk to the police you will find they're not big beleivers in coincidences. Also they may well know who this is as he may have previous. What do you have to lose by starting a paper trail? You may get clear advice to wipe out the doubts you have. In any case with 3 cc i expect you will play it safe. I always operate from the base that it doesn't just happen to me-whatever 'it' is. Why wd he all of a sudden behave in this manner with you? Single women with 3 cc are vulnerable- i was you decades ago and cd fill pages with the unwelcome attention i had to deal with- and yes they never started out full blown predators. It was my dd one of them was really after.

featherglass · 08/11/2015 16:28

While completely understanding how the OP feels, there's a column in the Metro (a free London daily newspaper) which has a column where people invite strangers they're seen "hot slim guy in blue jacket with glasses on Victoria Line on Thursday - we exchanged a glance - would love to meet for a coffee? Girl in black jeans." Dozens of people post on the column each week. Is that creepy? Possibly.... Just trying to point out that meeting someone is fraught with difficulties and maybe he's being really brave in being open, not meaning to be inappropriate
He may be creepy or, as has been suggested above, he may be genuinely trying to make contact with someone that he's 'seen across a crowded room'. It's right that the OP doesn't feel pressurised in any way to respond - no thank you is a fine response. But it doesn't mean that he's necessarily creepy. Just a thought....

Gabilan · 08/11/2015 16:54

Featherglass if someone puts something in the Metro about me I can choose to ignore it completely. If for some reason it freaks me out I can change my route - not ideal but perfectly possible. If someone turns up on my doorstep I have no choice but to interact with them, with the added worry that if they do have the potential to be troublesome, they know where I live.

lorelei9 · 08/11/2015 16:55

feather, the comparison with a Metro column is totally invalid. Putting a comment in a paper asking to connect vs obtaining address & turning up on doorstep? No similarities whatsoever.

DrMorbius · 08/11/2015 17:08

If you're wondering what happened, he didn't message me back. His prerogative

Grin I wasn't wondering, as I 100% already knew the answer.

Gabilan · 08/11/2015 17:21

Morbius I realise you may struggle with eloquent, intelligent women but don't tar all men with the same brush. Some of them see those qualities as positive.

Did you have any answers to the points I made?

DrMorbius · 08/11/2015 17:36

Gabilan you are obviously a product of your environment, as am I. Therefore there are no answers to the points you have made. You project something, I project something else.

DontMindMe1 · 08/11/2015 19:25

just read your phone call thread OP - i feel that call IS linked. It reminded me of the withheld number phone calls i used to make (during my mad teen years) to get info about my crushes and when we used to prank people...but i don't think that was a prank call in your case.

it was either him trying to put on an accent as a disguise or he got a friend to do it.

Hopefully he will understand that your no contact means you are not interested and he will back off. He knows that you know where he works so can contact him if you chose to. If he turns up with the excuse that he knew you didn't have his contact details then i'd put him in his place very sharpish.

bjrce · 08/11/2015 19:47

I was just discussing this thread with my dh and asked him for his opinion.
He felt the guy in question is most probably going through some sort of a personal crisis at the moment and is not thinking straight. His actions are not from a person thinking rationally. So perhaps he may well be suffering from depression and perhaps im his mind you were kind to him and obviously got the wrong idea about you.
I think perhaps the right thing to do is give him a wide berth. ( which is what you were planning to do anyway.)
He's not your problem .

UnGoogleable · 08/11/2015 20:16

Having just read your phonecall thread OP, as others have suggested I'd be concerned it was the same person.

It seems highly coincidental that you receive dodgy phonecalls and an unsolicited doorstep approach within a few months of each other.

If you live in a small community, I'd suggest the best way to protect yourself is to tell people about this man, tell them about the phonecalls, and tell them that if he approaches them asking for information about you not to divulge anything and to tell you immediately.

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 08/11/2015 20:21

I wouldn't be able to call this one until I knew how he got my address.
If he asked people I knew, I might be flattered. ( still not acceptable and would feel the need to tell him this).
Some people men don't think.
If he'd followed me home I'd be worried, very if I had a daughter.
Nobody comes to my house without being invited either way.

Gabilan · 08/11/2015 20:27

"So perhaps he may well be suffering from depression"

Or he's grown up in a society which portrays such gestures as romantic and assumes that women, whose value comes mainly from garnering male attention, should be grateful for this. The question is whether he's going to stop and leave the OP alone, which I hope is the case, or just persist.

lorelei9 · 08/11/2015 20:40

ifyoure "If he asked people I knew, I might be flattered"

why? If he has people in common, he could have found a way of conveying a message. Plus on top of having a creep on the doorstep, people who know you have been stupid enough to give out your address.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 08/11/2015 21:07

The whole thing is creepy and intrusive but I guess as we're girls we should just accept it as a compliment.

Screw that.

Original poster
fishfingersinmysandwiches · 08/11/2015 21:29

It's definitely not sitting right. The doorbell went this evening and I immediately felt hesitant and tried to get my teenage son to open it (he was in his dressing gown so couldn't).

So I opened in myself and it was my mate, Pete. We had a cup of tea and he commented on me seeming hesitant to open the door.

I think if I had been alone in the house I might have felt quite uncomfortable if the door bell had gone at this sort of time. I do have a spy hole though.

OP posts:
Original poster
fishfingersinmysandwiches · 08/11/2015 21:30

So no. Not happy.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 08/11/2015 21:32

fish, it's perfectly reasonable to ask people to text in future before dropping round - especially at 9pm.

you have a spy hole so if you see Mr Odd again, don't answer the door. Really don't. It doesn't matter if he knows you're in. You decide who is allowed to enter your home, no one else.

Gabilan · 08/11/2015 21:35

Sorry you feel like that fish. And what lorelei said.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/11/2015 21:50

Listen to your gut, fish.

Justaboy · 08/11/2015 22:05

Lwej & goodnightdarthvader1 Yes guilty as charged:( Sorry but i tend to do that when on-line, never proof read anything- it comes as it's said.

BerylStreep No not intended. Question. What do you refer to a group of women here as "girls"?, sounds too over friendly and seems demeaning.

"Ladies"?, correct but these days out of fashion and waay too formal?.

What you use use?. The MN crew? perhaps too rapper" ish"

The contents herein?.

Just what?. Serious question.