So, there's this rumour?

[EWLT]

DH is a leader with a youth group. There's a female adult leader there, 20 years younger than him. Until recently, she has had a shocker of a boyfriend who DH has quite literally wanted to punch, in (I presumed) a fatherly way IYSWIM.

When she first joined the group, I did wonder, as DH talked about her and her boyfriend situation quite a bit, but I have no other reason to think there's anything else.

I've met her a couple of times and she seems perfectly nice, was friendly to me, laughing with DH, but they both included me and nothing seemed untoward.

However, DH told me last night that one of the reasons boyfriend has given her for the split is that he thinks she's having an affair with DH. DH told me this in an "isn't this funny" kind of way. But, is it?

No - not really. Unless he isn't having an affair in which case ha ha ha.

Seems he had mentionitis a bit...did you not wonder why at the time?

Yes, I did wonder at the time, but there wasn't anything else to suggest anything was wrong. DH think's it funny, because there is no affair, AFAIK

Well... He could have told you that because there's no affair and it's a ludicrous suggestion, which makes it amusing, but might suggest that the woman talks about your DH enough that her boyfriend believes that they are having an affair...

Or he could be getting in there first so that you don't hear the affair rumours from someone else. People tend to have a bias towards the first version of events that they hear, so if he can tell you first and convince you it's not true, he benefits.

Have you even been suspicious of them? Do you trust him?

He told you before you heard it elsewhere.

It's one of those Damned if he does and Damned if he doesn't situations.
He mentions it and you wonder whats going on, He says nothing and you hear about it and wonder what's going on.

If there's no other evidence pointing to affair then couldn't they be just friends?

To be honest if my DH wanted to "punch in" some young woman's boyfriend, I'd be VERY suspicious immediately! The fact that he's talking about this gossip is a red flag too.

Do you trust him? That's the bottom line.

Sorry that doesn't sound good at all and the fact he's mentioning it to you might mean that he's worried you'll hear about it from elsewhere.

Do you trust him is not the bottom line.
I imagine she usually trusts him but feels odd over this. Hence posting...

Why would he want to punch a young woman's boyfriend? Unless he is prone to violent thoughts, that seems really strange to me.

And if she did hear about it from elsewhere, and mentioned it to her DH and it became clear that he had also heard it any didn't say anything?

Poor bloke can't win.

Yes I see nothing odd in mentioning it.

It's not funny - I'd say awkward. When a friend of mine had issues with a friends boyfriend- he took it quite seriously.

I don't like the sound of this, especially your Husbands hatred towards the boyfriend.For me, something is not right.

The wanting to punch the boyfriend was a "joke" too. He was treating this young woman appallingly badly and DH was being protective, in what I assumed was a fatherly way. He's not violent and would never have actually punched him.

I do trust him. In 25 years he's been nothing but solid, reliable and trustworthy. But we all know women who have husbands who would never cheat...until they do.

I think it sounds like a slightly pink flag.
Something to not worry about but also not exactly forget either, if you know what I mean?

I'm trying to imagine myself in your husband's position and if someone thought I was having an affair with their partner I really don't think I'd find it funny. I'd actually be quite offended and angry rather than amused. Everyone's different though I suppose.

I would still be suspicious. It's the mention-itis mainly. WHy would a man of 40 plus keep mentioning a woman of twenty?

I would be a bit suspicious in your shoes. But just to put it from a different perspective, I remember telling DP that some of the kids I teach thought there was something going on between me and male teacher (we were often chatting after school etc), because I thought it was funny that they could even think that. There was definitely nothing going on between me and the colleague, we just got on well!!

I don't think any of this means he is having an affair. It could also mean that he is having an affair. Far too little to go on here.

He's got mentionitis. He wants to believe that it's not ridiculous.

Not the same as anything having happened, but I don't believe for a second that his feelings for her are paternal.

There's a MNer whose first inkling about her husband's affair was in the form of rumours she didn't believe at first.

The OW was also in a supposedly abusive relationship and the husband was similarly protective of the OW.

WHy would a man of 40 plus keep mentioning a woman of twenty?

I don't think the OP meant the woman was 20? Just 20 years younger than her OH? So she could be 40 and OH is 60. Not that it make a huge difference I guess.

WHy would a man of 40 plus keep mentioning a woman of twenty?

Because he works/volunteers with her?

Do people not talk about their colleagues with their other half?

As a man of 40+, I know I'd find it ridiculous and laughable if someone thought I was having an affair with a twenty year old.

Woman is early 20s DH is 47.

He talks about her because he spends 2 evenings a week volunteering with her and they did their training together. He is undoubtedly fond of her, but there's nothing wrong with that in itself.

That appears to be where DH is coming from venki. It's funny because it's so ridiculous and is yet another reason why the boyfriend is an arse.

I work with a few men in their early twenties but I never mention them.

I think, and I mean this kindly, men do often lack the self-awareness that women are conversely burdened with in excess. An ordinary looking man of forty can believe, half-believe (if he pushes his dad bod and his DOB) out of his head) that a woman so much younger doesn't 'see' his age. I'd be kind of humiliated on his behalf if an H allowed himself to think that people seriously believed that it was an affair. I'd want to warn him, although he'd hate me for it I guess, that what people will see is a man making a bit of a fool of himself.

Actually, I think I'd find it odder if he never mentioned her. He spends on average, 30 hours a months volunteering with this group. He talks about it a lot because it's something he enjoys. He talks about the other adults (and kids) there too. It would feel very strange if the whole thing was a secret to me.