So, there's this rumour?

[EWLT]

DH is a leader with a youth group. There's a female adult leader there, 20 years younger than him. Until recently, she has had a shocker of a boyfriend who DH has quite literally wanted to punch, in (I presumed) a fatherly way IYSWIM.

When she first joined the group, I did wonder, as DH talked about her and her boyfriend situation quite a bit, but I have no other reason to think there's anything else.

I've met her a couple of times and she seems perfectly nice, was friendly to me, laughing with DH, but they both included me and nothing seemed untoward.

However, DH told me last night that one of the reasons boyfriend has given her for the split is that he thinks she's having an affair with DH. DH told me this in an "isn't this funny" kind of way. But, is it?

That is a good point a pp made about the fact she feels comfortable enough to tell him about the affair rumour.

Exh accused me of having an affair with a colleague and threatened to name him in the divorce papers. I wasn't but I wouldn't have told the colleague in a million years because I wasn't close enough to him and it was all highly embarrassing.

As a betrayed spouse I've spent a lot of time on infidelity support forums. In my experience Nearly all affairs have the same dynamic, and the people involved in affairs typically adopt the stereotypical roles of damsel in distress and the white knight. Either gender can be a white knight but it's much more common to see men play this part.

Damsels or dimsels in distress have many forms. Allegedly abusive partners ,unhappy marriages , problems at work, families that don't appreciate them, or depression that only the white knight understands. White knights typically charge around on their mighty horse listening to their tales of woe and generally enjoying being the hero and supporting them.

I also think there's only two ways to conduct an affair. Entirely secretly with someone your spouse doesn't even know exists, or in plain view with a friend or colleague, someone you openly spend time with. There's many warning signs an affair is developing , most people are familiar with a spouse sprucing themselves up , time away from home and locked phones.

I personally think the most common and overlooked sign of something being amiss is people beginning to play either damsel in distress or white knight.

My DH has helped /supported many staff over the years. He was in a senior position and able to pull strings. But, funny, they were all young, attractive and female.
V sexist imo but he is a bit like that and loves to play the generous paternal figure. But like I said they were young and pretty. It's sleazy really.

I would say your DH thinks he is being supportive and fatherly but in denial about the fact he would love to think she was attracted to him or he secretly has a crush on her.

I think I would make loud comments to DH about the 'affair' gossip ruining the reputation of the youth group and that he needs to do something about it (obviously that would prob mean them not working together) and see what ensues.

My DH has helped /supported many staff over the years. He was in a senior position and able to pull strings. But, funny, they were all young, attractive and female.
V sexist imo but he is a bit like that and loves to play the generous paternal figure. But like I said they were young and pretty. It's sleazy really.

Scoobydoo that is so true.

It's strange how older men never want to play the knight in shining armour to an older woman, or god forbid a man.
It's nearly always young women they feel a need to help.

Wonder why that is?

Matrix- yes!-that's exactly the point I was trying to make earlier on this thread. Ow obtained dh's sympathy in the 1st instance- that's all I was saying & I didn't expect the blunt response I got so thankyou, I now know someone knows what I meant!

Specifically on him wanting to punch her boyfriend and that's why they broke up so that's a red flag...
My DP's friend had a boyfriend that I wanted to punch (or kick or both) he was just a complete piece of shit, I had no idea people like him existed out side of soap's. I think one of the reasons he left her was because she liked a band he didn't, he was just a shitty person who ended up giving shitty reasons.
I have absolutely no way of knowing if this is what happened in your situation, but it has definitely happened before.

but in your earlier two posts you've definitely questioned our opinions. DiscoDiva70 Oh for heaven sake...what I have done is DISCUSS points that I disagreed with. I haven't said anyone is wrong, I have put my point of view across, because you know...that's what you do in a discussion.

If you don't like people saying what they think in answer to what you think, perhaps a discussion board isn't the place for you.

In any case, this isn't constructive to the conversation, so I'll leave it there.

but in your earlier two posts you've definitely questioned our opinions. DiscoDiva70 Oh for heaven sake...what I have done is DISCUSS points that I disagreed with. I haven't said anyone is wrong, I have put my point of view across, because you know...that's what you do in a discussion.

If you don't like people saying what they think in answer to what you think, perhaps a discussion board isn't the place for you.

In any case, this isn't constructive to the conversation, so I'll leave it there.

but in your earlier two posts you've definitely questioned our opinions. DiscoDiva70 Oh for heaven sake...what I have done is DISCUSS points that I disagreed with. I haven't said anyone is wrong, I have put my point of view across, because you know...that's what you do in a discussion.

If you don't like people saying what they think in answer to what you think, perhaps a discussion board isn't the place for you.

In any case, this isn't constructive to the conversation, so I'll leave it there.

differentnameforthis
Thanks for the advice, but I know what a discussion is.
You're entitled to disagree with people, of course you are, but why don't you just address the Op with what you think is really going on between her Op and this girl, instead of personally questioning what other people say, by highlighting our posts?
You come across to me that only your opinion is worth listening to by doing this.

I also think you were quite arrogant and unfair to comment to a poster who described how her Dh was 'reeled' in by the Ow'
Your response to that was something like "he wouldn't have been reeled in if your relationship meant anything to him"

Well I'm sure they're the kind of words that poster wanted to hear

I think it's best if you and I don't engage with each other on this thread, I cba with arguing with you.

Let's just try and help the Op.

Your response to that was something like "he wouldn't have been reeled in if your relationship meant anything to him"

I know I said this wasn't helpful, us conversing, but this is more for the poster who posted re her dh & being reeled in...

I stand by what I said, sorry, but I don't play to the "she reeled him in" side of affairs. No one can be reeled in if they don't see something they want/like, that they know they can get/use to their advantage. In my opinion, if someone does have an affair, then no, their marriage cannot mean much to them.

It was not my intention to cause upset, and I can't see anywhere that Littlehomebird has mentioned my comment, and I am sure she doesn't need anyone to speak for her. If she is upset & alerts me to this, I am happy to apologise.

violetsarentblue - ^It's strange how older men never want to play the knight in shining armour to an older woman, or god forbid a man.
It's nearly always young women they feel a need to help. Wonder why that is?^

It's because you're making it up, and this is literally untrue. Well done, you.

I agree with disco that the reply to a poster about being reeled in was hurtful. Most people don't set out to have affairs and I don't think anyone is immune from an affair in the right circumstances. An unfaithful spouse has a LOT of work to do to reconcile after being unfaithful and it takes a long time. If their marriage didn't mean anything to them they wouldn't bother.

My husband was reeled in because he wanted to be.
Wham!
I only meant to say 'how' the ow got under his skin in the 1st place. He leant a sympathetic ear when he should not have. A sympathetic hug became a loving one. A friendly peck became passionate kissing. Passionate kissing led to petting, heavy petting, oral sex & intercourse. Yes I am aware the villain is my husband, I didn't need it re affirming so bluntly.

Thanks.

My ex was always extremely helpful to our young female neighbor. Not so much the elderly female neighbor on the other side.
It happens.
Some men and I say some, ARE more predisposed to help prey on younger women.
And that's not made up, it's a fact.

The bottom line is none of us can tell you what's going on or not going on.

I would say that the most sensible advice I see on relationship threads is about learning how to actively safeguard your relationship by understanding what behaviors and ways of engaging people are good for you as a couple, and what are bad. So not bad behaviors in and of themselves, not done from evil motives and not about demonising the person doing it... But understanding that some behaviors are risky to your partnership, and you both need to respect and look after your relationship, and not do things that may seem ok in the short term, but mean you are slowly slowly sliding into jeopardizing one of the most important relationship in your life.

It strikes me that it's learning this relationship hygiene behaviors, and understanding that it's not necessarily that someone starts out wanting an affair, but it's about caring enough about your relationship to understand the very first innocent steps on that slippery slope that destroys the bonds of your relationship and starts a new relationship flourishing...

Littlehomebird I'd say there's only one poster whose not understood what you were saying, so don't worry. did you get your apology?

Op, how's things with your H at the moment?

Yes I did receive an apology. It's been very hard to be honest. I was very upset at the thought that I & our marriage meant nothing to him. His response was that if I'd meant nothing to him he wouldn't have tried to hide what he was doing & he'd have left me for her when he had the chance. He says it was just the illicit stuff which gave him the thrill- not 'her'. I have to try to believe this or our marriage is doomed. Anyway I feel i should apologise to op for the original thread veering off in this direction. So sorry op- It wasn't intentional.

I'm glad you got one, and I it was probably me veering off the thread anyway!